There's often a fine balance between responding and hoping for a moment of connection and learning, and not responding. Sometimes we as humans mess up that balance and other times everything just lines up beautifully and the sun shines and the birds sing and the flowers bloom and...well, sometimes we stumble into those moments and hope that the seeming lack of negativity from the other person can be accurately translated as a moment of connection or some degree of understanding.

The past two mornings, Chef has slowly come downstairs 20 minutes later than he's needed to in order to have a successful morning.

When reminded that he was running late and needed to quickly get his list (with his morning routine on it because he has difficulties with organizing/remembering and doesn't want me reminding him of anything), Chef's response both mornings has been to tell me that he's late because I took his clock.

Chef continues to be guided towards responsibility. Sometimes a topic requires a lot of reviewing for the responsibility piece to start to settle in Chef's mind. The past two mornings, the clock has been one such topic.

Part A: Chef's been given a few clocks over the years, including two Thomas the Train alarm clocks, a travel alarm clock, a clock to wind, etc. Each clock has met its demise with the exception of one clock Chef received from my grandmother. In addition to the sentimental attachment, this particular clock also sings out various bird calls on the hour. To make a long story short, Chef seemed to find the bird calls to be very, very enjoyable regardless of the time of day or night - and for now, the clock resides in Chef's room without its batteries.

For years, Chef has been getting up in the mornings without the use of a clock. On some mornings when he's gotten up later, he's angrily told me he'd slept in because he doesn't have a clock and was reminded that he could gladly replace the many alarm clocks he's been given by earning money and buying one for himself. Finally the day arrived when Chef had money (gift money) to buy an alarm clock at the thrift shop. I'd suggested he choose one that uses batteries or could be wound, with the added bit that I'd had a few late mornings over the years from "plug-in" alarm clocks not going off because the power had gone off during the night, and that I only use a battery-powered alarm clock now. Chef chose an electric clock.

Part B: Chef has needed frequent reminders over the years to close doors - front door, back door, refrigerator door, freezer door, cupboard doors. Last winter he left outside doors open so often that I warned him that he would soon need to start paying for the heat he wastes. Being an environmentally-aware family, I've also often talked with him about the importance of appreciating resources and not wasting what we have. Chef was warned this past January that I would start keeping track of his financial responsibilities for wasted resources in February. I knew, however, that his would mean little if anything to a young man who doesn't really have a grasp of what value means so the first time I pointed to the door he'd left open and announced that would cost him 50 cents and would cost him more if he didn't close it immediately, I also attached a "real value for Chef" idea to the amount. "This is costing you 50 cents or half a bag of potato chips or the price of a book from the thrift shop." Chef slowly came over and closed the door with the response, "Some books are only 25 cents there."

Fast forward to the recent morning when we'd had to air out the house because of body odour. After all was said and done, I eventually let Chef know that he'd have no extra electricity in his room for awhile because of all the heat that had been wasted through the open windows. The only electrical item in Chef's room (other than his ceiling light) was the clock.

Part A and Part B Together = This Morning:
"You took my clock, that's why I'm late."
"Responsible communicating, please. What word should your sentence start with?"
"I? Um, I'm late because you took my clock."
"That doesn't work."
"(sigh - but no growling/yelling/swearing/tantrumming!) I don't have my clock, that's why I'm late."
"Here are some things you need to think about - you've gotten up plenty of mornings in your life without a clock, you've gotten up every morning the last few days without a clock until yesterday morning, and you've also gotten up around your usual time to use the washroom the past two mornings..."
"Yes, but.."
"...in addition, you need to think about WHY your clock is no longer in your room..."
"Well, that's..."
"...and also think about how many days you could have earned money to buy a different clock and haven't done so. Now, no one asked why you're late and that's not up for discussion. Bottom line - you have things you need to do quickly because you're late."

And with that, Chef slowly moved into his morning routine - which again included 20 minutes of jumping jacks even though we'd discussed that again yesterday. When he came in from exercising this morning, I said that I'd noticed he was still doing jumping jacks. "That's the one exercise I can do really fast," was the response.

When the school bus arrived, Chef was in the bathtub.
"Your bus is here. (Pause) Did you hear? Your bus is here."
"I heard!"
Chef slowly and grumpily came down the stairs trying to get his shirt on over his wet shoulders.
"You need to be moving quickly. Your bus shouldn't have to wait for you."
"Well, you made me take a bath." (The last two nights we've again been discussing hygiene and how sleeping in a bedroom that doesn't smell very good then putting on the same outfit as days before makes for a very unpleasant smell for others plus germs on Chef's body - quick morning baths would be good until Chef has clean clothes. Yesterday Chef opted out but exercised and bathed on his own this morning!)
I opened the front door, then asked Chef if he was going out to the bus or if I should wave to the driver to continue on without him.
"I'm going! I'm going! I just need to get dressed and get my lunch and shoes!"
Chef did up his pants by the front door and, with his shirt hanging around his neck, he tried to wriggle his feet into his shoes without opening them then huffed and bent down to put on his shoes then started down the hallway away from the front door, half-dressed and wearing one shoe.
"What are you doing?"
"I HAVE TO GET MY LUNCH!!"
Chef stopped and adjusted his shoe with the all-too-common appearance of lack of awareness of time or sense of urgency
"The bus shouldn't have to wait for you."
Chef huffed then started walking slowly down the hall towards the kitchen.
"Moving quickly! Bus is waiting!"
And with that, Chef turned around grumpily and jogged to the door, slid his foot into his other shoe and went out to the bus, putting on his shirt on the way.

Chores! Chef did chores!

And not just his one daily chore (presently dishes/cleaning up the kitchen), but last week's weekly chores (bathrooms/hallways) were also started and completed this evening. In addition, the total chore time was less than an hour AND Chef moved his lunch from the freezer to the refrigerator and made sure it was ready for tomorrow morning. He also boiled an egg for himself for breakfast. I asked Chef how he felt about having taken care of all of that tonight - "Good. And I know I'll have more time in the morning now." Excellent!

One of Chef's support team was working with Chef today on the 5-Point Scale (http://www.5pointscale.com/books_links.htm). Following are my recollection (obviously not verbatim) of some of our general conversation bits from this evening:

"Hey, how did your scale go today?"
"Good. I had a lot more 1's and 2's than last time."
"Excellent. So what sorts of things are 1's and 2's now?"
"Brushing my teeth, because it doesn't bother me as much anymore."
"Oh that's interesting. What do you think made a difference?"
"I don't know. I guess I just kept doing it lots of times and now it doesn't bother me."

******************************************
"So what were some of the things that were 5's?"
"People talking to me."
"Always?"
"No, but I don't like people telling me what to do."
"Which people?"
"Anyone. I don't like anyone telling me what to do."
"Who are the people that are telling you what to do though?"
"Kids at school."
"Older kids? Sometimes that happens at schools."
"Sometimes younger kids too."
"You have quite a few kids at school telling you what to do?"
"Well not lots but just random kids. Some are older, some are younger."
"Ah. Anyone other than kids at school?"
"M (our neighbour's daughter)"
"She tells you what to do?"
"Yeah. The other day she told me to wash my hands again when I had just washed them. And she tells me other stuff I'm supposed to do."
"That's interesting. You've never told me about that before. Who else tells you what to do?"
"Teachers and EA's"
"You have a bunch of teachers and EA's telling you what to do?"
"Yeah."
"Do you mean when they're teaching you or trying to help you with something?"
"Well I don't like when they tell me the same thing 50 times."
"Oh. Why are they telling you the same thing 50 times?"
"I don't know."
"Are there times when they might be getting the message that they need to say the same thing 50 times?"
"Well I didn't mean 50 times. I was exaggerating. I just don't want them to talk so much."
"Even if they're talking because they're teaching and guiding you?"
"I don't know."

*************************************
"So what else was on your 5's list?"
"I don't know. I didn't have very many there. Boredom I think was a 5."
"When do you feel boredom?"
"When I'm sent to my room or have to stay in there or when I do a video game too long or do anything for too long."
"Oh. So when do you get sent to your room?"
"When I break rules."
"Hmm, and what would work better so you wouldn't have to be bored in your room?"
"Follow rules?"
"Yeah, that would be a good choice. When are other times that you're in your room and bored?"
"When I don't have clothes to wear or I'm not doing chores."
"Ohh, so what would work better then instead of being bored in your room?"
"Do my chores."
"Another good choice. So it sounds like a lot of the boredom in your room would be different if you'd make good choices."
"Oh."
"Y'know, a lot of times it feels to me as though you try to get sent to your room so you can just sleep."
"That's cuz I'm tired lots."

**********************************
"I think I put exercise as a 5 too."
"Oh, why is that?"
"Because it hurts my muscles."
"Your doctor and I have talked to you about how it's not good to do so many jumping jacks but you keep doing them. And when I remind you how to do them with less stress on your muscles, the message I get from you is that you're angry with me for reminding you."
"I can't do any other exercises. I can go longer on jumping jacks without my muscles hurting."
"So they don't hurt when you do jumping jacks but they hurt when you do other exercises?"
"Well they hurt but it takes longer before they hurt."
"Ok. Why do you not want to be reminded of how to do them with less stress on your muscles?"
"I don't know. I don't want you telling me."
"Is it more that you don't want to do them, or you just don't like being reminded? When you were younger you didn't want to exercise or get dressed or wash, etc., and we kept working on all those things and we both eventually noticed a difference for you when you exercised."
"I can't exercise. It's too hard for me."
"Do you remember our conversations about what's good for the body? And that your body needs some training so it will work better for you? And how going overboard with jumping jacks is not a good idea?"
"Yeah, but I can't exercise. It's too hard."
"I'm thinking it would be good to go back to the idea of doing different exercises like some jumping, some balancing, some running, and other stuff in smaller bits instead of one big chunk of jumping jacks."
"I don't know. Exercise is too hard."
*************************************

So tonight Chef did chores. No whining, no arguing, no tantrum, no grumping, no huffing, no delaying responsibilities. In addition, he also had a very full conversation about things he typically wouldn't want to discuss. What a wonderful evening!

We seem to be coming to the end of a nearly three-week spiral. We haven't had a long haul like this one for awhile - I don't recall the last one that's been to this extent where Chef does little more than sleep/rest during evenings and weekends (and attempt to argue/tantrum at any suggestion to do otherwise) for such a long period of time, regardless of whether the activity possibilities included chores/responsibilities, videos, playing with his nieces, or outings, etc. Today will be Chef's second day home from school this week, aside from the day off all students had on Monday. Yesterday evening was the first sign that Chef was ready to get back on board with participating in day-to-day living without attempting to struggle with me about it, though he seemed to continue to have difficulty focussing, and his energy level continued to appear low and he tried a couple of times to come up with reasons to go back to his room.

On Monday, Chef's poor hygiene had caught up with him to the point that my daughter and I woke up to realize the upper level of our house smelled horribly like body odour and a hint of it was starting to hang in the air on the main level. Chef was asked to open his window, but after receiving no response to that nor to my knocking I covered my mouth and nose and opened his bedroom door. Chef was in bed and rose up on one arm with a very grumpy look on his face. I opened his window, told Chef the house smelled from his body odour and he needed to take a bath immediately, and walked quickly towards the door. Chef yelled that he didn't smell bad and got up and closed the window. I went over and walked Chef to the other side of the room and told him "the whole freaking house smells, son, and you need to stay away from the window and you need to take a bath immediately." I re-opened the window and left the room gagging. Chef escalated. I opened windows upstairs and downstairs while Chef's yelling and whining grew louder. After 20 minutes, I told him he'd used lots of time for that already and it was time for him to move on with his day or take the noise outside. He took it outside and repeatedly yelled, "I don't stink, fuckface!" Fast-forwarding to just over an hour later, Chef and I debriefed. We retraced choices that had lead up to the smell of the morning, and Chef agreed (again) that it would have been easier to wash everday and wear clean clothes.

About three weeks ago, before Chef had run out of clean clothes, he'd worn the same outfit for 10 days in a row. He's now run out of clean clothes days ago and states he doesn't know where the rest of his clothes are. He was reminded that he's often left clothing on hallway floors, outside, etc., and those are donated to the thrift shop. He didn't argue that, but said he thought he had others but he doesn't remember where they are. We discussed again the importance of clean clothes being in the closet and dirty clothes in the hamper - that makes life simpler when it comes to keeping track of clothes and having clothing easily accessible. Last night he said he plans on doing his laundry today. He'd also said he was going to do it last Thursday, Friday, Monday, and yesterday, so hopefully today's the day.

THE DAY OF THE PLAY

Monday was a holiday here. Tuesday was a snow day. Friday (today) there is no school.

On Wednesday, Chef's school had planned an outing to go see a play at a local college. Chef often talked about how he'd hardly had any field trips in high school and now would finally have one, and often reviewed field trips of days gone by. He gave me a permission slip to sign late last week but put it up on the top of the fridge and left it there once it was ready to go back to school. He was reminded on Monday night that he had to return it to school, but Tuesday was filled with snow rather than school so he took it back on Wednesday.

On Wednesday afternoon, Chef walked in after school and said hi. Our conversation then went something like this...
"Well hey! How was the play?"
"GooOOD (much anger tone and immediate anger'ish look). How was Mia and Ruth? (very nice tone and calm facial expression)"
"Wait a minute, I want to hear about your play. What did you think of it?" "I SAID IT WAS GOOD!"
"Oh. Ok. I'd love to hear more about it though. You haven't seen a play for a long time"
"I SLEPT THROUGH PART OF IT OK??"
(***HINT: An encouraged nap prior to further discussion would have been a GREAT idea at this point!)
"Ohhh, so you fell asleep. Do you remember anything about it before then?"
"I SAID I FELL ASLEEP!!"
"Oh. Yes, I heard that and am just wondering how your day went."
"I DIDN'T GO, OK!!!"
"You didn't go?"
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I WAS TOO TIRED SO I DIDN'T GO!"
"Oh, ok. So what did you do today then?"
"I SAID I WAS TIRED SO I FELL ASLEEP! AND I HAD TO WRITE EXAMS!"
(***Ok Mom, take the hint and drop the conversation for now...but noooo, my brain was stuck on "what was Chef doing if he wasn't at the play with his school")
"No one would have made you write exams on a day when a play is planned though."
"No but I knew I still had some so I WANTED to get the finished."
"Oh, ok. So you brought the money home then that was for the play?"
"No, it's in my locker. I'll bring it tomorrow (very grumpily)."

Chef slept. And slept. And slept. When he got up, he lied and lied and lied over ridiculously little things, grumped all over the place, and spent very much time in the washroom. By 6:30, he was in his room reading for the rest of the evening. He continued with numerous washroom trips through the evening and during the night which included much moaning and groaning and saying things such as, "it won't come out" and "it's stuck" and "it must be from the celery and hummus (in his lunch)" Chef has digestion problems. This is one of the indicators that he's ingested far over the top of what he can handle and I debated whether or not to take him to emerg but the night trips to the toilet seemed less troublesome than the evening ones had been.

Chef was in foul space the next morning (Thursday) and didn't change out of the clothes he'd worn to bed and didn't take his lunch when he stormed out of the house at 8am, but by 8:10 he was sort of doing sort of some exercises but still yelled at me the two times I asked if he was coming in to get ready. Thankfully, by 8:20ish he was in full exercise mode. When the bus pulled up he walked towards the bus so I opened the door, held out his lunch, and reminded him he would need his lunch or he'd be hungry. Chef kept walking. I debated the wisdom of commenting further but did anyway to see if he would take the lunch. It took four times before he turned around and came back for it.

When Chef got home after school, he did his usual check before coming inside to show he hadn't brought anything home that didn't belong here (stolen items - easier to check before he comes in than to get the phonecalls or later discover items and have a long mishmashed experience while we all try to figure out what happened).
"Hey, I noticed the money from the play wasn't in your pockets. Is it in your lunchkit then?" (We have a money program at home for Josh where he earns money. If he has debts to pay from stealing or purposely damaging something, the bulk of earned money goes towards repaying debts first - the longer the debt, the larger the percentage. Chef's actually coming along very nicely in this area. Lately I've also introduced the concept of fines for using my time inappropriately - this has not gone over well with Chef.)
"I SPENT YOUR @#%(* MONEY!!"
"Oh. On what?"
"NONE OF YOUR #@(*& BUSINESS!"
"Being disrespectful to someone else because you created a problem for yourself is not ok. Answer the question."
"NO!!"
I stepped away from the window and went about my business. Chef stormed in through the door - "AND I'M NOT DOING ANY STUPID EXERCISES!! I DID SOME THIS MORNING!!"
"You're bringing disrespect into this home and that's not ok. Out you go til you can be appropriate."

The next while our front and back yards were filled with yelling, swearing, banging the doors, repeated door slams (at which point the door was then locked), repeated doorbell ringing, etc., etc. I continued to go about my business inside and Chef turned things around on his own after about 25-30 minutes or so. He exercised for about 20 minutes, intermittenly responding respectfully when I debriefed with him*, then he went over to the neighbour's for half an hour before spending the evening with his sister while I attended a nice coffee-break evening with other parents whose children also live with autism.

*Chef said that he wanted to keep the $3 for treats instead of go to the play. His resource teacher was away from school and his EA went to the play. Chef said he had no one supporting him through the day. He said he was on his own for the day unless he went somewhere where there was an EA. He bought candy from the canteen. That clears up the digestion problem he'd had plus the anger issues. The remaining mystery is whether or not it's true that he had no EA with him and if so, why not. And how was he able to make a purchase from the canteen or cafeteria when last year's resource teacher put a plan was put in place last year already with the canteen and the cafeteria so they would never sell to Chef unless he had his regular EA with him who'd had the ok from home to ensure Chef wasn't ingesting food that might send him back to the hospital again and to ensure he wasn't spending stolen or unearned money.

So, lesson learned for Chef? Unlikely. Without a knowledgeable, appropriately-supportive adult with him, Chef has always made poor choices when it comes to money regardless of how sick he has made himself other times. With a knowledgeable, appropriately-supportive adult with him, Chef might attempt to lie about where he got the money or about what does or doesn't work for his body, but if he is with someone he respects and he knows they know what works and doesn't work, he usually wants to show that he can make a good choice - just like removing the sugary foods from the food bank bag that he would have otherwise eaten if no one else were there.

Food Bank Days

I've recently noticed that after our last three trips to the food bank, Chef acts up at home. This past time, Chef was very, very chatty about and very, very visually-focused on the food in the room at the food bank. He was quiet on the drive home with a friend of mine, then became very very chatty about the food bank food again once we were home and were unpacking the food, and continued to be very very chatty about it while making supper he offered to make. The high degree of chattiness was concerning since that's usually an indicator that Chef is pretty wound up inside, but all seemed fine - until Chef was reminded that he needed to wipe out the sink before washing dishes. The rest of the evening was not fun at all.

Going to the food bank seems to be an enjoyable outing for Chef when it comes to choosing food items, discovering what's in our pre-packed bag, seeing all the many many bread items and being told he can choose 3 or 4, seeing the large packages of cheese (Chef's been back on dairy now for over a year though in small amounts every day and very small amounts at a time due to digestive/"behavioural" experiences), and exploring/choosing items from the table by the door. He seems to enjoy seeing the now-familiar volunteers and definitely seems to enjoy the comments they make about him growing or how good it is that he removes sugary foods from our prepacked bag (which is interesting to watch, especially when knowing that if Chef were there on his own and no one knew him, he'd been inhaling all those sugary foods before he even left the food bank ;-) ), etc.

And while Chef isn't "bouncing off the walls" at the food bank, it's clear to those who know him well that it's almost like Christmas for him - there's a plethora of food.

There's also usually a large crowd and fluorescent lights and often a long wait in line that Chef has to deal with (standing for that length of time is difficult for Chef and that much moreso while waiting outside on winter days, other folks might accidentally nudge him or be physically closer than Chef's comfort level allows, etc). Typically what happens is that once he has a visual on food items, that becomes his focus and he'll talk about food generally from that point until we are on our way home - actually he'll quite often still continue talking all the way home and at home about the food.

Grocery shopping has always been one of Chef's favourite outings, and it's something that we've very much enjoyed together. I used to take him to a variety of different shops to buy various ethnic foods, taught him much over the years about nutritional value and how to read the labels, etc., etc. and Chef happily and peacefully drank it all in. I also worked with him for years before he stopped sneaking food off shelves and trying to eat it, and I learned fairly early on not to put grocery bags into the back seat with Chef if I wanted the items they contained to still be there when we got home.

Back to the present, my theory is that he's pretty excited and wound up inside on food bank days, and once we are home and have unpacked and eaten supper, he crashes - similar to a young child at Christmas who is overspent by the excitement of the day and the let-down when it's over.

The other piece is that, through the years, Chef has always wanted all the food immediately after grocery shopping and it generally takes a couple of days before his focus shifts away from that. Food bank days are no different.

The one difference is that Chef doesn't typically act up after grocery shopping yet it's definitely on my radar that "acting up" has happened the last three food bank days. We walk to both the grocery store and the food bank and we walk home from both. There are fluorescent lights and groups of people at both, though foodbank is much smaller and much more enclosed, and requires Chef to hold it together for quite awhile while waiting in a line.

Food bank has the added piece of mystery with a prepacked bag, which is a huge thing for Chef and he often wants to explore the contents of the bag the second it's in his hands, so that will likely add excitement and/or anxiety.

We still remain mostly gluten-free at home so Chef has the greatest dietary benefit possible but we' ve started having some regular bread on weekends when he doesn't need quite as much focus/brainpower/etc as schooldays require, and Chef usually has a bun or two from the food bank once we get home. For as long as I've known him, Chef has been a carbaholic. But when we're grocery shopping, if we pick up bread it primarily involves walking to where the bread is and picking up what we're looking for. At the food bank, there's the excitement/anxiety possibility piece with bread as well because the selection is always different, there's a jumbled myriad of various items on each shelf, and there may or may not be something Chef may have had in mind - it's not nearly as cut and dry as at the grocery store.

The bottom line is that we'll be doing some preplanning now around coping and appropriate behaviour at home for food bank days.

August 25, 2011

THIS SUMMER'S GOOD STUFF, THUS FAR

-Chef attended Folk Fest Retreat! And he did not remain velcro'ed to me the entire time! I cannot express how incredible that was! Andy White spent quite a bit of time with Chef, teaching him guitar chords and having meals together and just hanging out. Connie Kaldor also spent time with Chef, encouraging his musical exploration, and played a big part in getting him up on stage performing a solo part with his retreat band!

-Chef carried a flag in our local parade. Almost the entire length of the parade, he talked with a schoolmate about all the food at the FolkFest Retreat. His schoolmate has invited him to a youth group this coming year! My eyes teared up.

-Chef attended our Folklorama pavillion and discovered that he has more of a community there now that he's attended for a second year. One evening, without prompting, he sat at a table with some of the men he knows and was very pleased to report that one of them was working the bar one evening and allowed him to switch cups of soda (which he wasn't allowed to have) for bottles to bring home - "just cuz I know him. He's my friend." Also, Chef was not allowed any treats that week (due to his earlier overdose) and handled that very well. He was also very pleased to discover that there were women working in the kitchen who remembered him from last year. Chef handled coming home at 4am twice in a row, managed himself well when he was very frustrated with the volume level coming from the stage as well as from the crowd, and wasn't velcro'ed to me the entire time when I was busy with other things at the pavilion.

- Chef volunteered with the Summer Arts Day Camp

- Chef has read Edward Rutherfurd's "Sarum" as well as "The Rise and Fall of the British Empire" by Lawrence James. He has taken great pride in the fact that he has his own copy of "Sarum" (sort of a family tradition) and has thus far taken very good care of it in his room. He has also been re-reading both of these books as well bits of various other books, and is requesting more of Rutherfurd's writings.

- Chef remains fascinated by food preparation. I was surprised at how very very pleased he was when I canned homemade lemonade (and wasn't quite so surprised to find that he sneakily drank almost all of it the next couple of days. I have yet to discover a workable way to store prepared food). He frequently talks about how hopeful he is that we'll pick some apples so we can make apple sauce/juice, etc.

- We talk a lot. A lot! And Chef is open to that. It's important that he absorb as much healthy teaching/information/humour/storytelling/etc as possible, and it's equally and possibly more important that I get glimpses into the way his mind operates. It's a good reminder of how much he often has to work at understanding the world. As difficult as his tantrums are, I immensely appreciate having a 16 year old son who seems to enjoy walking and talking with his Mom, and who appreciates being out in nature and has come to a point in his life where he seems to really appreciate what he receives.

- Chef's school bus driver told me this morning that Chef is a joy to have on the bus

- Aside from when he's tantrummed, Chef's growth/development really has come a very long way this year. He seems much more settled than other years, he seems more sure of himself, expresses great appreciation for what he receives, and is (again, tantrums aside!) taking more responsibility for his actions more frequently. I also have to say that even though Chef does tantrum, there are a myriad of times when he does handle it well when things don't go the way Chef would like them to go or when he doesn't get what he wants, etc.

-When he was younger, Chef worked very very hard at trying to wear turtlenecks every day in summer. A few months ago, Chef found big puffy outerwear vest at the thrift shop and was thrilled when I purchased it for him. This summer, the vest started showing up over Chef's arm, in a bag, and on Chef when we would go out. He was reminded by various family members that he would have heatstroke if he wore that outside on such hot days. Most of the time, he would then put it back in the closet. Eventually it became such an issue, however, that the vest was returned to the thrift shop with the statement that we'd look for another one once the weather turned chilly. Chef accepted that without meltdown.

-Oh, and in the clothing department - CHEF IS STILL WEARING THE SAME SHOES HE WORE LAST SUMMER AND ALL THROUGH THE SCHOOL YEAR AND ALL THIS SUMMER!! This is unprecedented. Croc-esque shoes are apparently the answer.

-Chef still isn't wanting to use visual aids for independence pieces and prompts from me are still often barely tolerated mostly due to the high frequency. HOWEVER, Chef is now often carrying a notebook around in his pocket - he's almost never referring to it, but he's carrying it and that's a good step.

-Having now realized that it really does help him and that he feels better when he takes it, Chef is now agreeably taking one of his meds on a regular basis. He has also communicated that the other med gives him headaches. That's a pretty big communication piece for Chef.

-Chef continues to be a wonderful (and very loved) uncle to his two nieces. He is also starting to be quite proactive in setting boundaries with them which, needless to say, has been interesting to watch. It also reaffirms that he's learning and does have a sense of appropriate social expectation/boundaries

-Chef had his first Greyhound ride. He was very nervous about it, then expressed much relief when he discovered we'd be travelling by van rather than bus. We arrived at our destination much later than anticipated, house/pet-sat for another friend that weekend, had a schedule that was all over the place (Retreat weekend) and a myriad of new people to meet. And Chef did it all.

-Chef experienced his first bee sting. We were walking from our friends' house to Wolseley. We stopped to buy drinks but Chef couldn't come inside because he was having a shoeless day, and when I came out I found a very-loudly-crying Chef. Once he was able to calm enough to form words, he showed me his sting then put a cold bottle of water on it and continued walking. On our way back home later in the day, we again stopped at the same shop for drinks. This time when I came out after buying the drinks, a smiling Chef greeted me. "Mom, look. I found my bee. It's the one that stung me and now it's dead." Sure enough, there in the palm of his hand was a dead bee. He carried it all the way home. He might even still have it somewhere.

-Splash Park: We went to the Wolseley splash park. I sat on a nearby bench. Chef sat on the edge of the wading pool and basically didn't move for close to an hour. I eventually called him over and we walked down to Westminster. I asked why he hadn't done anything other than sit, especially since it was such a hot day that there were even adults and other teens cooling off there. He shrugged and said he didn't want to. I asked him if he thought he could try to be more active there if we stopped by again on the way back. He said ok - and he did. He splashed under the sprinklers and submersed himself in the wading pool and kept looking over at me with a look that seemed to say "are you watching?" and afterwards announced that he'd had fun

-Wolseley: Chef loves Wolseley. When he was younger, he used to call it his neighbourhood. On the day that we were going, Chef was shoeless (he'd had to deal with some frustration just before leaving and had thrown his shoes back into the house in anger and had just shrugged and grumped when reminded that he needed to be ready to leave) and therefore had to wait outside instead of choosing produce at Organic Planet and choosing a special stone at Prairie Sky. And he handled it.

It really has been a pretty big summer. After Retreat, I was so amazed at what Chef had accomplished there that I figured that was more than enough for an entire year. And then he successfully managed through Folklorama, plus all the other successes he's had.

August 24, 2011

Yes. I ate the cookies.

Not all of them. At least, not yet.

It's interesting how the brain operates. I felt fully justified in eating the ones I ate, having heard my son repeatedly call me "fuckhead" during today's tantrum, but I was also keenly aware that if I ate them all it would be from a vengeful place and that's not how I want to live my life. My mind also wandered into one of those ol' dark humour spaces - what exactly is a "fuckhead" anyway?

We spent the first week of August house/pet-sitting for friends in another city. Chef did fantastically well all week. He was a very responsible pet-sitter with feeding and grooming and walking. He was thrilled to see a tv in the living room and even moreso when he discovered it was connected to "netflix" as well as a dvd player. He talked a lot about how happy he was that we were able to walk a couple of blocks and find such an abundance of organic produce, and happily overdosed on toasted tomato sandwiches. He agreeably went on fairly long walks almost every day. And then it happened - he found a candy stash. Unaware of the amount of sugar coursing through Chef's veins, I picked up three small wrappers off the floor in the room where he'd been sleeping during the week. I approached Chef holding the wrappers in an open palm and raised my eyebrows. "What? It wasn't me." My eyebrows went higher. "I DIDN'T DO IT!! I KNOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE ME! IT WASN'T ME!" And that was the start of a 3+ hr meltdown in the yard outside of the house where we were staying. From what I was able to piece together between wrappers and Chef's eventual conversation, he'd eaten a sleeve of graham crackers, a large Lindt chocolate bar, a box of granola bars, and various pieces of random candy. Needless to say, he was fairly exhausted following his afternoon of bellowing/swearing/kicking/throwing/ hollering in the yard - and seemed quite stunned to learn that we'd be going out to the first night of a cultural festival that evening regardless, but he handled it. He handled the crowds, the late evening, the noise, the busyness, the action, the friends greeting him and attempting to start a conversation with him. Oh, and he also handled the fact that he wasn't allowed any desserts or treats at the pavillion.

Last week, a 2 hour tantrum. I don't remember right now if it started with the crumpets I'd found wrapped in a teatowel and tucked under the hallway cupboard outside Chef's room or whether it was chore-related. It came two days after a weekend of getting home at 4am two mornings in a row at the end of the cultural festival.

Today, another 2 hour tantrum with much swearing and verbal-machine-gun-firing and yelling, and a few moments of throwing sticks at the house. Last night, Chef hadn't wanted to sweep the floor. He was reminded that he needed to do it tonight or it would be an additional chore waiting for him the next day. He swept a bit then came upstairs and said the floor was done. I checked. It wasn't. This morning, he said he would sweep where he hadn't swept last night. A few minutes later he said the floor was done. I checked and pointed out that there was a magnet on the floor. Cue the tantrum. Chef went into immediate anger mode of yelling, posturing, and general disrespect. A couple hours later, we had a post-tantrum chat where Chef stated that he had been angry because he shouldn't have had to pick up a magnet that wasn't his and that he hadn't put on the floor. When reminded that the magnet belonged to his 17 month old niece, Chef said he hadn't thought of that. We also explored the choice of spending two hours of being disrespectful in order to try to avoid taking a couple of seconds to pick up a magnet. Chef very humbly responded that he hadn't thought of that either. I also had a look at Chef's arm. At the beginning of the tantrum, Chef was asked to go out to the deck. He chose, instead, to stand in the doorway with a very dark facial expression and crossed arms. I put my hands on his shoulders to lead him out of the doorway. He yanked his shoulder and complained about being hurt but did turn and walk to the deck. Later on, I noticed from an upstairs window that Chef had his hand inside his nightshirt and was moving it around by his arm. Shortly afterwards, his yelling started to include statements about how he didn't want to live with me anymore because he shouldn't have to live with someone who would hurt him and that he wanted to talk with one of his workers. I told him I'd already called all his workers and was only getting their voicemails. "I DON'T GIVE A FLYING F---!!! GET HIM ON THE PHONE, YOU F---HEAD!!!" When Chef was able to be back on our deck respectfully, I pointed out that I had seen him from the upstairs window when he had his hand inside his nightshirt. When we chatted once he was able to come inside, I asked him to show me where he was hurt. He explained that his shoulder had felt a bit tight when I'd put my hands on his shoulders. I asked him again to show me where he was hurt - it was his underarm. There was a hive and what appeared to be either light scratching marks or a bit of redness in the folds/lines of his skin. Chef said he hadn't realized that - he just thought that his underarm was bothering him because he hadn't liked it when I put my hands on his shoulders to walk him out the door. We reviewed that it would have worked better to to not struggle against having help to walk out the door, and it would have worked even better to have walked out the door on his own but that either way, having someone put their hands on his shoulders is not going to cause a problem in his underarm. At the end of our post-tantrum chat, I asked what he wanted to do now. "I want to eat but I know I tantrummed through a meal and now I have to wait til snacktime so I'll just do dishes." Wow. WOW!!! I told him that my next question was going to be, "and what WILL you be doing now" and that he had already answered the question very appropriately. I asked him how he planned to repay me for my time spent during his tantrum today - he said I could have the homemade cookies his sister had made for him. WORKS FOR ME!!!! I mean, er, good for Chef!! That was a huge step for him to give up something so valuable to him. I didn't give any specific reply regarding the cookies. And I really did try very hard not to eat even one - and then, I gave in as per the "it's interesting how the brain operates" paragraph. Later in the afternoon, I was on the phone with one of Chef's other team members and asked Chef if he wanted to talk with her. He declined, stating that he only wanted to talk with "T." When I was finished talking on the phone, Chef said he didn't want to talk with T anymore either. I asked why. He said he'd only said that so I would hurry up and get him on the phone so he could talk with him without me talking with him, and that he was angry but now he was embarassed about how he'd acted and didn't want T knowing. I told him that I would have talked with T if I'd chosen regardless of whether or not Chef wanted me to, and that I'd left a message asking T if he'd be willing to talk with Chef about the choices he'd made this afternoon. Chef's eyes watered, then he said he really didn't want to talk with T and that he had to go to the washroom.

After supper, Chef made it clear that he was not into doing the dishes. I had him help me carry a table out into the yard and handed him some sandpaper. Tonight he worked on sanding a table. Tomorrow the dishes will still be there.

****************
Recent Triggers:
-Nine zillion ounces of sugar from Chef's candy discovery
-Chef's youngest niece and oldest sister are moving out at the beginning of September
-Chef's oldest niece and other sister and brother-in-law who also provide respite once a week are moving to another town this weekend
-This past weekend was a respite weekend, which is wonderful though there was a mix-up regarding scheduling - and regardless of how wonderful respite is, it's still a change
-School.Starts.Soon.
-Housesitting and Folklorama week, back to back, finishing up with coming home at 4am two mornings in a row after much sensory assault for Chef's ears/eyes/patience
-Chef turned 16 last Friday. He didn't get the "all adults" birthday party he wanted, and he bought the candy stash with a big chunk of his birthday gift money and will be having a cake some other time. (There was, however, VERY VERY much appreciation shown for the personal CD player he received)
-More people are talking with Chef about his hygiene. Last night, his sister had him shower when he went over to her house for the evening.
-The local fire dept tested our smoke detectors today

A lot of triggers. And there are always triggers. Environmental. Sensory. Events. Change. People. It's always a balance between supporting Chef through exploring what he can handle and when, and dealing with the times when it's all just too much.