Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Folk Fest
Chef and I were privileged to receive bursaries for our local Folk Fest Retreat this year. Chef received workshop instruction from Abigail Washburn (who did a terrific confidence exercise for Chef during her workshop; thanks Abigail!), Kai Welch, Martyn Joseph, and Willy Porter.
Chef also had two bouts of one-on-one time with Martyn Joseph. Chef had never touched a tenor guitar before that, and has only spent about an hour on his 6-string in the past year, but with Martyn he learned a song on the tenor guitar. I'll see if I can get the recordings set up here at some point.
Abigail told me Chef had no trouble picking up the banjo exercises she taught in her other workshop Chef attended. Chef hadn't touched a banjo before the retreat.
When we arrived back home, Chef and I decided to pick up a ukelele for him to start on before investing in something pricier. Yesterday he carried the uke and good ol' Mel Bay's ukelele book downtown and hung out on a nearby bench while a friend and I sat outside of a local coffee shop.
An hour later, Chef came over and played a two-chord song for us. He played at a good tempo, and without mistakes.
Prior to sitting on that bench, he'd never picked up a ukelele.
It's always exciting to see Chef pick up a new instrument. He's had the same experience in easily picking up tunes/songs on keyboard, penny whistle, and guitar - but thus far, he's always chosen to not continue because "it's too much work." It would be great to see that way of thinking change someday. In the meantime, it's a real pleasure to see what he's capable of doing when introduced to a new instruments.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
There's often a fine balance between responding and hoping for a moment of connection and learning, and not responding. Sometimes we as humans mess up that balance and other times everything just lines up beautifully and the sun shines and the birds sing and the flowers bloom and...well, sometimes we stumble into those moments and hope that the seeming lack of negativity from the other person can be accurately translated as a moment of connection or some degree of understanding.
The past two mornings, Chef has slowly come downstairs 20 minutes later than he's needed to in order to have a successful morning.
When reminded that he was running late and needed to quickly get his list (with his morning routine on it because he has difficulties with organizing/remembering and doesn't want me reminding him of anything), Chef's response both mornings has been to tell me that he's late because I took his clock.
Chef continues to be guided towards responsibility. Sometimes a topic requires a lot of reviewing for the responsibility piece to start to settle in Chef's mind. The past two mornings, the clock has been one such topic.
Part A: Chef's been given a few clocks over the years, including two Thomas the Train alarm clocks, a travel alarm clock, a clock to wind, etc. Each clock has met its demise with the exception of one clock Chef received from my grandmother. In addition to the sentimental attachment, this particular clock also sings out various bird calls on the hour. To make a long story short, Chef seemed to find the bird calls to be very, very enjoyable regardless of the time of day or night - and for now, the clock resides in Chef's room without its batteries.
For years, Chef has been getting up in the mornings without the use of a clock. On some mornings when he's gotten up later, he's angrily told me he'd slept in because he doesn't have a clock and was reminded that he could gladly replace the many alarm clocks he's been given by earning money and buying one for himself. Finally the day arrived when Chef had money (gift money) to buy an alarm clock at the thrift shop. I'd suggested he choose one that uses batteries or could be wound, with the added bit that I'd had a few late mornings over the years from "plug-in" alarm clocks not going off because the power had gone off during the night, and that I only use a battery-powered alarm clock now. Chef chose an electric clock.
Part B: Chef has needed frequent reminders over the years to close doors - front door, back door, refrigerator door, freezer door, cupboard doors. Last winter he left outside doors open so often that I warned him that he would soon need to start paying for the heat he wastes. Being an environmentally-aware family, I've also often talked with him about the importance of appreciating resources and not wasting what we have. Chef was warned this past January that I would start keeping track of his financial responsibilities for wasted resources in February. I knew, however, that his would mean little if anything to a young man who doesn't really have a grasp of what value means so the first time I pointed to the door he'd left open and announced that would cost him 50 cents and would cost him more if he didn't close it immediately, I also attached a "real value for Chef" idea to the amount. "This is costing you 50 cents or half a bag of potato chips or the price of a book from the thrift shop." Chef slowly came over and closed the door with the response, "Some books are only 25 cents there."
Fast forward to the recent morning when we'd had to air out the house because of body odour. After all was said and done, I eventually let Chef know that he'd have no extra electricity in his room for awhile because of all the heat that had been wasted through the open windows. The only electrical item in Chef's room (other than his ceiling light) was the clock.
Part A and Part B Together = This Morning:
"You took my clock, that's why I'm late."
"Responsible communicating, please. What word should your sentence start with?"
"I? Um, I'm late because you took my clock."
"That doesn't work."
"(sigh - but no growling/yelling/swearing/tantrumming!) I don't have my clock, that's why I'm late."
"Here are some things you need to think about - you've gotten up plenty of mornings in your life without a clock, you've gotten up every morning the last few days without a clock until yesterday morning, and you've also gotten up around your usual time to use the washroom the past two mornings..."
"Yes, but.."
"...in addition, you need to think about WHY your clock is no longer in your room..."
"Well, that's..."
"...and also think about how many days you could have earned money to buy a different clock and haven't done so. Now, no one asked why you're late and that's not up for discussion. Bottom line - you have things you need to do quickly because you're late."
And with that, Chef slowly moved into his morning routine - which again included 20 minutes of jumping jacks even though we'd discussed that again yesterday. When he came in from exercising this morning, I said that I'd noticed he was still doing jumping jacks. "That's the one exercise I can do really fast," was the response.
When the school bus arrived, Chef was in the bathtub.
"Your bus is here. (Pause) Did you hear? Your bus is here."
"I heard!"
Chef slowly and grumpily came down the stairs trying to get his shirt on over his wet shoulders.
"You need to be moving quickly. Your bus shouldn't have to wait for you."
"Well, you made me take a bath." (The last two nights we've again been discussing hygiene and how sleeping in a bedroom that doesn't smell very good then putting on the same outfit as days before makes for a very unpleasant smell for others plus germs on Chef's body - quick morning baths would be good until Chef has clean clothes. Yesterday Chef opted out but exercised and bathed on his own this morning!)
I opened the front door, then asked Chef if he was going out to the bus or if I should wave to the driver to continue on without him.
"I'm going! I'm going! I just need to get dressed and get my lunch and shoes!"
Chef did up his pants by the front door and, with his shirt hanging around his neck, he tried to wriggle his feet into his shoes without opening them then huffed and bent down to put on his shoes then started down the hallway away from the front door, half-dressed and wearing one shoe.
"What are you doing?"
"I HAVE TO GET MY LUNCH!!"
Chef stopped and adjusted his shoe with the all-too-common appearance of lack of awareness of time or sense of urgency
"The bus shouldn't have to wait for you."
Chef huffed then started walking slowly down the hall towards the kitchen.
"Moving quickly! Bus is waiting!"
And with that, Chef turned around grumpily and jogged to the door, slid his foot into his other shoe and went out to the bus, putting on his shirt on the way.
The past two mornings, Chef has slowly come downstairs 20 minutes later than he's needed to in order to have a successful morning.
When reminded that he was running late and needed to quickly get his list (with his morning routine on it because he has difficulties with organizing/remembering and doesn't want me reminding him of anything), Chef's response both mornings has been to tell me that he's late because I took his clock.
Chef continues to be guided towards responsibility. Sometimes a topic requires a lot of reviewing for the responsibility piece to start to settle in Chef's mind. The past two mornings, the clock has been one such topic.
Part A: Chef's been given a few clocks over the years, including two Thomas the Train alarm clocks, a travel alarm clock, a clock to wind, etc. Each clock has met its demise with the exception of one clock Chef received from my grandmother. In addition to the sentimental attachment, this particular clock also sings out various bird calls on the hour. To make a long story short, Chef seemed to find the bird calls to be very, very enjoyable regardless of the time of day or night - and for now, the clock resides in Chef's room without its batteries.
For years, Chef has been getting up in the mornings without the use of a clock. On some mornings when he's gotten up later, he's angrily told me he'd slept in because he doesn't have a clock and was reminded that he could gladly replace the many alarm clocks he's been given by earning money and buying one for himself. Finally the day arrived when Chef had money (gift money) to buy an alarm clock at the thrift shop. I'd suggested he choose one that uses batteries or could be wound, with the added bit that I'd had a few late mornings over the years from "plug-in" alarm clocks not going off because the power had gone off during the night, and that I only use a battery-powered alarm clock now. Chef chose an electric clock.
Part B: Chef has needed frequent reminders over the years to close doors - front door, back door, refrigerator door, freezer door, cupboard doors. Last winter he left outside doors open so often that I warned him that he would soon need to start paying for the heat he wastes. Being an environmentally-aware family, I've also often talked with him about the importance of appreciating resources and not wasting what we have. Chef was warned this past January that I would start keeping track of his financial responsibilities for wasted resources in February. I knew, however, that his would mean little if anything to a young man who doesn't really have a grasp of what value means so the first time I pointed to the door he'd left open and announced that would cost him 50 cents and would cost him more if he didn't close it immediately, I also attached a "real value for Chef" idea to the amount. "This is costing you 50 cents or half a bag of potato chips or the price of a book from the thrift shop." Chef slowly came over and closed the door with the response, "Some books are only 25 cents there."
Fast forward to the recent morning when we'd had to air out the house because of body odour. After all was said and done, I eventually let Chef know that he'd have no extra electricity in his room for awhile because of all the heat that had been wasted through the open windows. The only electrical item in Chef's room (other than his ceiling light) was the clock.
Part A and Part B Together = This Morning:
"You took my clock, that's why I'm late."
"Responsible communicating, please. What word should your sentence start with?"
"I? Um, I'm late because you took my clock."
"That doesn't work."
"(sigh - but no growling/yelling/swearing/tantrumming!) I don't have my clock, that's why I'm late."
"Here are some things you need to think about - you've gotten up plenty of mornings in your life without a clock, you've gotten up every morning the last few days without a clock until yesterday morning, and you've also gotten up around your usual time to use the washroom the past two mornings..."
"Yes, but.."
"...in addition, you need to think about WHY your clock is no longer in your room..."
"Well, that's..."
"...and also think about how many days you could have earned money to buy a different clock and haven't done so. Now, no one asked why you're late and that's not up for discussion. Bottom line - you have things you need to do quickly because you're late."
And with that, Chef slowly moved into his morning routine - which again included 20 minutes of jumping jacks even though we'd discussed that again yesterday. When he came in from exercising this morning, I said that I'd noticed he was still doing jumping jacks. "That's the one exercise I can do really fast," was the response.
When the school bus arrived, Chef was in the bathtub.
"Your bus is here. (Pause) Did you hear? Your bus is here."
"I heard!"
Chef slowly and grumpily came down the stairs trying to get his shirt on over his wet shoulders.
"You need to be moving quickly. Your bus shouldn't have to wait for you."
"Well, you made me take a bath." (The last two nights we've again been discussing hygiene and how sleeping in a bedroom that doesn't smell very good then putting on the same outfit as days before makes for a very unpleasant smell for others plus germs on Chef's body - quick morning baths would be good until Chef has clean clothes. Yesterday Chef opted out but exercised and bathed on his own this morning!)
I opened the front door, then asked Chef if he was going out to the bus or if I should wave to the driver to continue on without him.
"I'm going! I'm going! I just need to get dressed and get my lunch and shoes!"
Chef did up his pants by the front door and, with his shirt hanging around his neck, he tried to wriggle his feet into his shoes without opening them then huffed and bent down to put on his shoes then started down the hallway away from the front door, half-dressed and wearing one shoe.
"What are you doing?"
"I HAVE TO GET MY LUNCH!!"
Chef stopped and adjusted his shoe with the all-too-common appearance of lack of awareness of time or sense of urgency
"The bus shouldn't have to wait for you."
Chef huffed then started walking slowly down the hall towards the kitchen.
"Moving quickly! Bus is waiting!"
And with that, Chef turned around grumpily and jogged to the door, slid his foot into his other shoe and went out to the bus, putting on his shirt on the way.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Chores! Chef did chores!
And not just his one daily chore (presently dishes/cleaning up the kitchen), but last week's weekly chores (bathrooms/hallways) were also started and completed this evening. In addition, the total chore time was less than an hour AND Chef moved his lunch from the freezer to the refrigerator and made sure it was ready for tomorrow morning. He also boiled an egg for himself for breakfast. I asked Chef how he felt about having taken care of all of that tonight - "Good. And I know I'll have more time in the morning now." Excellent!
One of Chef's support team was working with Chef today on the 5-Point Scale (http://www.5pointscale.com/books_links.htm). Following are my recollection (obviously not verbatim) of some of our general conversation bits from this evening:
"Hey, how did your scale go today?"
"Good. I had a lot more 1's and 2's than last time."
"Excellent. So what sorts of things are 1's and 2's now?"
"Brushing my teeth, because it doesn't bother me as much anymore."
"Oh that's interesting. What do you think made a difference?"
"I don't know. I guess I just kept doing it lots of times and now it doesn't bother me."
******************************************
"So what were some of the things that were 5's?"
"People talking to me."
"Always?"
"No, but I don't like people telling me what to do."
"Which people?"
"Anyone. I don't like anyone telling me what to do."
"Who are the people that are telling you what to do though?"
"Kids at school."
"Older kids? Sometimes that happens at schools."
"Sometimes younger kids too."
"You have quite a few kids at school telling you what to do?"
"Well not lots but just random kids. Some are older, some are younger."
"Ah. Anyone other than kids at school?"
"M (our neighbour's daughter)"
"She tells you what to do?"
"Yeah. The other day she told me to wash my hands again when I had just washed them. And she tells me other stuff I'm supposed to do."
"That's interesting. You've never told me about that before. Who else tells you what to do?"
"Teachers and EA's"
"You have a bunch of teachers and EA's telling you what to do?"
"Yeah."
"Do you mean when they're teaching you or trying to help you with something?"
"Well I don't like when they tell me the same thing 50 times."
"Oh. Why are they telling you the same thing 50 times?"
"I don't know."
"Are there times when they might be getting the message that they need to say the same thing 50 times?"
"Well I didn't mean 50 times. I was exaggerating. I just don't want them to talk so much."
"Even if they're talking because they're teaching and guiding you?"
"I don't know."
*************************************
"So what else was on your 5's list?"
"I don't know. I didn't have very many there. Boredom I think was a 5."
"When do you feel boredom?"
"When I'm sent to my room or have to stay in there or when I do a video game too long or do anything for too long."
"Oh. So when do you get sent to your room?"
"When I break rules."
"Hmm, and what would work better so you wouldn't have to be bored in your room?"
"Follow rules?"
"Yeah, that would be a good choice. When are other times that you're in your room and bored?"
"When I don't have clothes to wear or I'm not doing chores."
"Ohh, so what would work better then instead of being bored in your room?"
"Do my chores."
"Another good choice. So it sounds like a lot of the boredom in your room would be different if you'd make good choices."
"Oh."
"Y'know, a lot of times it feels to me as though you try to get sent to your room so you can just sleep."
"That's cuz I'm tired lots."
**********************************
"I think I put exercise as a 5 too."
"Oh, why is that?"
"Because it hurts my muscles."
"Your doctor and I have talked to you about how it's not good to do so many jumping jacks but you keep doing them. And when I remind you how to do them with less stress on your muscles, the message I get from you is that you're angry with me for reminding you."
"I can't do any other exercises. I can go longer on jumping jacks without my muscles hurting."
"So they don't hurt when you do jumping jacks but they hurt when you do other exercises?"
"Well they hurt but it takes longer before they hurt."
"Ok. Why do you not want to be reminded of how to do them with less stress on your muscles?"
"I don't know. I don't want you telling me."
"Is it more that you don't want to do them, or you just don't like being reminded? When you were younger you didn't want to exercise or get dressed or wash, etc., and we kept working on all those things and we both eventually noticed a difference for you when you exercised."
"I can't exercise. It's too hard for me."
"Do you remember our conversations about what's good for the body? And that your body needs some training so it will work better for you? And how going overboard with jumping jacks is not a good idea?"
"Yeah, but I can't exercise. It's too hard."
"I'm thinking it would be good to go back to the idea of doing different exercises like some jumping, some balancing, some running, and other stuff in smaller bits instead of one big chunk of jumping jacks."
"I don't know. Exercise is too hard."
*************************************
So tonight Chef did chores. No whining, no arguing, no tantrum, no grumping, no huffing, no delaying responsibilities. In addition, he also had a very full conversation about things he typically wouldn't want to discuss. What a wonderful evening!
And not just his one daily chore (presently dishes/cleaning up the kitchen), but last week's weekly chores (bathrooms/hallways) were also started and completed this evening. In addition, the total chore time was less than an hour AND Chef moved his lunch from the freezer to the refrigerator and made sure it was ready for tomorrow morning. He also boiled an egg for himself for breakfast. I asked Chef how he felt about having taken care of all of that tonight - "Good. And I know I'll have more time in the morning now." Excellent!
One of Chef's support team was working with Chef today on the 5-Point Scale (http://www.5pointscale.com/books_links.htm). Following are my recollection (obviously not verbatim) of some of our general conversation bits from this evening:
"Hey, how did your scale go today?"
"Good. I had a lot more 1's and 2's than last time."
"Excellent. So what sorts of things are 1's and 2's now?"
"Brushing my teeth, because it doesn't bother me as much anymore."
"Oh that's interesting. What do you think made a difference?"
"I don't know. I guess I just kept doing it lots of times and now it doesn't bother me."
******************************************
"So what were some of the things that were 5's?"
"People talking to me."
"Always?"
"No, but I don't like people telling me what to do."
"Which people?"
"Anyone. I don't like anyone telling me what to do."
"Who are the people that are telling you what to do though?"
"Kids at school."
"Older kids? Sometimes that happens at schools."
"Sometimes younger kids too."
"You have quite a few kids at school telling you what to do?"
"Well not lots but just random kids. Some are older, some are younger."
"Ah. Anyone other than kids at school?"
"M (our neighbour's daughter)"
"She tells you what to do?"
"Yeah. The other day she told me to wash my hands again when I had just washed them. And she tells me other stuff I'm supposed to do."
"That's interesting. You've never told me about that before. Who else tells you what to do?"
"Teachers and EA's"
"You have a bunch of teachers and EA's telling you what to do?"
"Yeah."
"Do you mean when they're teaching you or trying to help you with something?"
"Well I don't like when they tell me the same thing 50 times."
"Oh. Why are they telling you the same thing 50 times?"
"I don't know."
"Are there times when they might be getting the message that they need to say the same thing 50 times?"
"Well I didn't mean 50 times. I was exaggerating. I just don't want them to talk so much."
"Even if they're talking because they're teaching and guiding you?"
"I don't know."
*************************************
"So what else was on your 5's list?"
"I don't know. I didn't have very many there. Boredom I think was a 5."
"When do you feel boredom?"
"When I'm sent to my room or have to stay in there or when I do a video game too long or do anything for too long."
"Oh. So when do you get sent to your room?"
"When I break rules."
"Hmm, and what would work better so you wouldn't have to be bored in your room?"
"Follow rules?"
"Yeah, that would be a good choice. When are other times that you're in your room and bored?"
"When I don't have clothes to wear or I'm not doing chores."
"Ohh, so what would work better then instead of being bored in your room?"
"Do my chores."
"Another good choice. So it sounds like a lot of the boredom in your room would be different if you'd make good choices."
"Oh."
"Y'know, a lot of times it feels to me as though you try to get sent to your room so you can just sleep."
"That's cuz I'm tired lots."
**********************************
"I think I put exercise as a 5 too."
"Oh, why is that?"
"Because it hurts my muscles."
"Your doctor and I have talked to you about how it's not good to do so many jumping jacks but you keep doing them. And when I remind you how to do them with less stress on your muscles, the message I get from you is that you're angry with me for reminding you."
"I can't do any other exercises. I can go longer on jumping jacks without my muscles hurting."
"So they don't hurt when you do jumping jacks but they hurt when you do other exercises?"
"Well they hurt but it takes longer before they hurt."
"Ok. Why do you not want to be reminded of how to do them with less stress on your muscles?"
"I don't know. I don't want you telling me."
"Is it more that you don't want to do them, or you just don't like being reminded? When you were younger you didn't want to exercise or get dressed or wash, etc., and we kept working on all those things and we both eventually noticed a difference for you when you exercised."
"I can't exercise. It's too hard for me."
"Do you remember our conversations about what's good for the body? And that your body needs some training so it will work better for you? And how going overboard with jumping jacks is not a good idea?"
"Yeah, but I can't exercise. It's too hard."
"I'm thinking it would be good to go back to the idea of doing different exercises like some jumping, some balancing, some running, and other stuff in smaller bits instead of one big chunk of jumping jacks."
"I don't know. Exercise is too hard."
*************************************
So tonight Chef did chores. No whining, no arguing, no tantrum, no grumping, no huffing, no delaying responsibilities. In addition, he also had a very full conversation about things he typically wouldn't want to discuss. What a wonderful evening!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
We seem to be coming to the end of a nearly three-week spiral. We haven't had a long haul like this one for awhile - I don't recall the last one that's been to this extent where Chef does little more than sleep/rest during evenings and weekends (and attempt to argue/tantrum at any suggestion to do otherwise) for such a long period of time, regardless of whether the activity possibilities included chores/responsibilities, videos, playing with his nieces, or outings, etc. Today will be Chef's second day home from school this week, aside from the day off all students had on Monday. Yesterday evening was the first sign that Chef was ready to get back on board with participating in day-to-day living without attempting to struggle with me about it, though he seemed to continue to have difficulty focussing, and his energy level continued to appear low and he tried a couple of times to come up with reasons to go back to his room.
On Monday, Chef's poor hygiene had caught up with him to the point that my daughter and I woke up to realize the upper level of our house smelled horribly like body odour and a hint of it was starting to hang in the air on the main level. Chef was asked to open his window, but after receiving no response to that nor to my knocking I covered my mouth and nose and opened his bedroom door. Chef was in bed and rose up on one arm with a very grumpy look on his face. I opened his window, told Chef the house smelled from his body odour and he needed to take a bath immediately, and walked quickly towards the door. Chef yelled that he didn't smell bad and got up and closed the window. I went over and walked Chef to the other side of the room and told him "the whole freaking house smells, son, and you need to stay away from the window and you need to take a bath immediately." I re-opened the window and left the room gagging. Chef escalated. I opened windows upstairs and downstairs while Chef's yelling and whining grew louder. After 20 minutes, I told him he'd used lots of time for that already and it was time for him to move on with his day or take the noise outside. He took it outside and repeatedly yelled, "I don't stink, fuckface!" Fast-forwarding to just over an hour later, Chef and I debriefed. We retraced choices that had lead up to the smell of the morning, and Chef agreed (again) that it would have been easier to wash everday and wear clean clothes.
About three weeks ago, before Chef had run out of clean clothes, he'd worn the same outfit for 10 days in a row. He's now run out of clean clothes days ago and states he doesn't know where the rest of his clothes are. He was reminded that he's often left clothing on hallway floors, outside, etc., and those are donated to the thrift shop. He didn't argue that, but said he thought he had others but he doesn't remember where they are. We discussed again the importance of clean clothes being in the closet and dirty clothes in the hamper - that makes life simpler when it comes to keeping track of clothes and having clothing easily accessible. Last night he said he plans on doing his laundry today. He'd also said he was going to do it last Thursday, Friday, Monday, and yesterday, so hopefully today's the day.
On Monday, Chef's poor hygiene had caught up with him to the point that my daughter and I woke up to realize the upper level of our house smelled horribly like body odour and a hint of it was starting to hang in the air on the main level. Chef was asked to open his window, but after receiving no response to that nor to my knocking I covered my mouth and nose and opened his bedroom door. Chef was in bed and rose up on one arm with a very grumpy look on his face. I opened his window, told Chef the house smelled from his body odour and he needed to take a bath immediately, and walked quickly towards the door. Chef yelled that he didn't smell bad and got up and closed the window. I went over and walked Chef to the other side of the room and told him "the whole freaking house smells, son, and you need to stay away from the window and you need to take a bath immediately." I re-opened the window and left the room gagging. Chef escalated. I opened windows upstairs and downstairs while Chef's yelling and whining grew louder. After 20 minutes, I told him he'd used lots of time for that already and it was time for him to move on with his day or take the noise outside. He took it outside and repeatedly yelled, "I don't stink, fuckface!" Fast-forwarding to just over an hour later, Chef and I debriefed. We retraced choices that had lead up to the smell of the morning, and Chef agreed (again) that it would have been easier to wash everday and wear clean clothes.
About three weeks ago, before Chef had run out of clean clothes, he'd worn the same outfit for 10 days in a row. He's now run out of clean clothes days ago and states he doesn't know where the rest of his clothes are. He was reminded that he's often left clothing on hallway floors, outside, etc., and those are donated to the thrift shop. He didn't argue that, but said he thought he had others but he doesn't remember where they are. We discussed again the importance of clean clothes being in the closet and dirty clothes in the hamper - that makes life simpler when it comes to keeping track of clothes and having clothing easily accessible. Last night he said he plans on doing his laundry today. He'd also said he was going to do it last Thursday, Friday, Monday, and yesterday, so hopefully today's the day.
Friday, February 24, 2012
THE DAY OF THE PLAY
Monday was a holiday here. Tuesday was a snow day. Friday (today) there is no school.
On Wednesday, Chef's school had planned an outing to go see a play at a local college. Chef often talked about how he'd hardly had any field trips in high school and now would finally have one, and often reviewed field trips of days gone by. He gave me a permission slip to sign late last week but put it up on the top of the fridge and left it there once it was ready to go back to school. He was reminded on Monday night that he had to return it to school, but Tuesday was filled with snow rather than school so he took it back on Wednesday.
On Wednesday afternoon, Chef walked in after school and said hi. Our conversation then went something like this...
"Well hey! How was the play?"
"GooOOD (much anger tone and immediate anger'ish look). How was Mia and Ruth? (very nice tone and calm facial expression)"
"Wait a minute, I want to hear about your play. What did you think of it?" "I SAID IT WAS GOOD!"
"Oh. Ok. I'd love to hear more about it though. You haven't seen a play for a long time"
"I SLEPT THROUGH PART OF IT OK??"
(***HINT: An encouraged nap prior to further discussion would have been a GREAT idea at this point!)
"Ohhh, so you fell asleep. Do you remember anything about it before then?"
"I SAID I FELL ASLEEP!!"
"Oh. Yes, I heard that and am just wondering how your day went."
"I DIDN'T GO, OK!!!"
"You didn't go?"
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I WAS TOO TIRED SO I DIDN'T GO!"
"Oh, ok. So what did you do today then?"
"I SAID I WAS TIRED SO I FELL ASLEEP! AND I HAD TO WRITE EXAMS!"
(***Ok Mom, take the hint and drop the conversation for now...but noooo, my brain was stuck on "what was Chef doing if he wasn't at the play with his school")
"No one would have made you write exams on a day when a play is planned though."
"No but I knew I still had some so I WANTED to get the finished."
"Oh, ok. So you brought the money home then that was for the play?"
"No, it's in my locker. I'll bring it tomorrow (very grumpily)."
Chef slept. And slept. And slept. When he got up, he lied and lied and lied over ridiculously little things, grumped all over the place, and spent very much time in the washroom. By 6:30, he was in his room reading for the rest of the evening. He continued with numerous washroom trips through the evening and during the night which included much moaning and groaning and saying things such as, "it won't come out" and "it's stuck" and "it must be from the celery and hummus (in his lunch)" Chef has digestion problems. This is one of the indicators that he's ingested far over the top of what he can handle and I debated whether or not to take him to emerg but the night trips to the toilet seemed less troublesome than the evening ones had been.
Chef was in foul space the next morning (Thursday) and didn't change out of the clothes he'd worn to bed and didn't take his lunch when he stormed out of the house at 8am, but by 8:10 he was sort of doing sort of some exercises but still yelled at me the two times I asked if he was coming in to get ready. Thankfully, by 8:20ish he was in full exercise mode. When the bus pulled up he walked towards the bus so I opened the door, held out his lunch, and reminded him he would need his lunch or he'd be hungry. Chef kept walking. I debated the wisdom of commenting further but did anyway to see if he would take the lunch. It took four times before he turned around and came back for it.
When Chef got home after school, he did his usual check before coming inside to show he hadn't brought anything home that didn't belong here (stolen items - easier to check before he comes in than to get the phonecalls or later discover items and have a long mishmashed experience while we all try to figure out what happened).
"Hey, I noticed the money from the play wasn't in your pockets. Is it in your lunchkit then?" (We have a money program at home for Josh where he earns money. If he has debts to pay from stealing or purposely damaging something, the bulk of earned money goes towards repaying debts first - the longer the debt, the larger the percentage. Chef's actually coming along very nicely in this area. Lately I've also introduced the concept of fines for using my time inappropriately - this has not gone over well with Chef.)
"I SPENT YOUR @#%(* MONEY!!"
"Oh. On what?"
"NONE OF YOUR #@(*& BUSINESS!"
"Being disrespectful to someone else because you created a problem for yourself is not ok. Answer the question."
"NO!!"
I stepped away from the window and went about my business. Chef stormed in through the door - "AND I'M NOT DOING ANY STUPID EXERCISES!! I DID SOME THIS MORNING!!"
"You're bringing disrespect into this home and that's not ok. Out you go til you can be appropriate."
The next while our front and back yards were filled with yelling, swearing, banging the doors, repeated door slams (at which point the door was then locked), repeated doorbell ringing, etc., etc. I continued to go about my business inside and Chef turned things around on his own after about 25-30 minutes or so. He exercised for about 20 minutes, intermittenly responding respectfully when I debriefed with him*, then he went over to the neighbour's for half an hour before spending the evening with his sister while I attended a nice coffee-break evening with other parents whose children also live with autism.
*Chef said that he wanted to keep the $3 for treats instead of go to the play. His resource teacher was away from school and his EA went to the play. Chef said he had no one supporting him through the day. He said he was on his own for the day unless he went somewhere where there was an EA. He bought candy from the canteen. That clears up the digestion problem he'd had plus the anger issues. The remaining mystery is whether or not it's true that he had no EA with him and if so, why not. And how was he able to make a purchase from the canteen or cafeteria when last year's resource teacher put a plan was put in place last year already with the canteen and the cafeteria so they would never sell to Chef unless he had his regular EA with him who'd had the ok from home to ensure Chef wasn't ingesting food that might send him back to the hospital again and to ensure he wasn't spending stolen or unearned money.
So, lesson learned for Chef? Unlikely. Without a knowledgeable, appropriately-supportive adult with him, Chef has always made poor choices when it comes to money regardless of how sick he has made himself other times. With a knowledgeable, appropriately-supportive adult with him, Chef might attempt to lie about where he got the money or about what does or doesn't work for his body, but if he is with someone he respects and he knows they know what works and doesn't work, he usually wants to show that he can make a good choice - just like removing the sugary foods from the food bank bag that he would have otherwise eaten if no one else were there.
On Wednesday, Chef's school had planned an outing to go see a play at a local college. Chef often talked about how he'd hardly had any field trips in high school and now would finally have one, and often reviewed field trips of days gone by. He gave me a permission slip to sign late last week but put it up on the top of the fridge and left it there once it was ready to go back to school. He was reminded on Monday night that he had to return it to school, but Tuesday was filled with snow rather than school so he took it back on Wednesday.
On Wednesday afternoon, Chef walked in after school and said hi. Our conversation then went something like this...
"Well hey! How was the play?"
"GooOOD (much anger tone and immediate anger'ish look). How was Mia and Ruth? (very nice tone and calm facial expression)"
"Wait a minute, I want to hear about your play. What did you think of it?" "I SAID IT WAS GOOD!"
"Oh. Ok. I'd love to hear more about it though. You haven't seen a play for a long time"
"I SLEPT THROUGH PART OF IT OK??"
(***HINT: An encouraged nap prior to further discussion would have been a GREAT idea at this point!)
"Ohhh, so you fell asleep. Do you remember anything about it before then?"
"I SAID I FELL ASLEEP!!"
"Oh. Yes, I heard that and am just wondering how your day went."
"I DIDN'T GO, OK!!!"
"You didn't go?"
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I WAS TOO TIRED SO I DIDN'T GO!"
"Oh, ok. So what did you do today then?"
"I SAID I WAS TIRED SO I FELL ASLEEP! AND I HAD TO WRITE EXAMS!"
(***Ok Mom, take the hint and drop the conversation for now...but noooo, my brain was stuck on "what was Chef doing if he wasn't at the play with his school")
"No one would have made you write exams on a day when a play is planned though."
"No but I knew I still had some so I WANTED to get the finished."
"Oh, ok. So you brought the money home then that was for the play?"
"No, it's in my locker. I'll bring it tomorrow (very grumpily)."
Chef slept. And slept. And slept. When he got up, he lied and lied and lied over ridiculously little things, grumped all over the place, and spent very much time in the washroom. By 6:30, he was in his room reading for the rest of the evening. He continued with numerous washroom trips through the evening and during the night which included much moaning and groaning and saying things such as, "it won't come out" and "it's stuck" and "it must be from the celery and hummus (in his lunch)" Chef has digestion problems. This is one of the indicators that he's ingested far over the top of what he can handle and I debated whether or not to take him to emerg but the night trips to the toilet seemed less troublesome than the evening ones had been.
Chef was in foul space the next morning (Thursday) and didn't change out of the clothes he'd worn to bed and didn't take his lunch when he stormed out of the house at 8am, but by 8:10 he was sort of doing sort of some exercises but still yelled at me the two times I asked if he was coming in to get ready. Thankfully, by 8:20ish he was in full exercise mode. When the bus pulled up he walked towards the bus so I opened the door, held out his lunch, and reminded him he would need his lunch or he'd be hungry. Chef kept walking. I debated the wisdom of commenting further but did anyway to see if he would take the lunch. It took four times before he turned around and came back for it.
When Chef got home after school, he did his usual check before coming inside to show he hadn't brought anything home that didn't belong here (stolen items - easier to check before he comes in than to get the phonecalls or later discover items and have a long mishmashed experience while we all try to figure out what happened).
"Hey, I noticed the money from the play wasn't in your pockets. Is it in your lunchkit then?" (We have a money program at home for Josh where he earns money. If he has debts to pay from stealing or purposely damaging something, the bulk of earned money goes towards repaying debts first - the longer the debt, the larger the percentage. Chef's actually coming along very nicely in this area. Lately I've also introduced the concept of fines for using my time inappropriately - this has not gone over well with Chef.)
"I SPENT YOUR @#%(* MONEY!!"
"Oh. On what?"
"NONE OF YOUR #@(*& BUSINESS!"
"Being disrespectful to someone else because you created a problem for yourself is not ok. Answer the question."
"NO!!"
I stepped away from the window and went about my business. Chef stormed in through the door - "AND I'M NOT DOING ANY STUPID EXERCISES!! I DID SOME THIS MORNING!!"
"You're bringing disrespect into this home and that's not ok. Out you go til you can be appropriate."
The next while our front and back yards were filled with yelling, swearing, banging the doors, repeated door slams (at which point the door was then locked), repeated doorbell ringing, etc., etc. I continued to go about my business inside and Chef turned things around on his own after about 25-30 minutes or so. He exercised for about 20 minutes, intermittenly responding respectfully when I debriefed with him*, then he went over to the neighbour's for half an hour before spending the evening with his sister while I attended a nice coffee-break evening with other parents whose children also live with autism.
*Chef said that he wanted to keep the $3 for treats instead of go to the play. His resource teacher was away from school and his EA went to the play. Chef said he had no one supporting him through the day. He said he was on his own for the day unless he went somewhere where there was an EA. He bought candy from the canteen. That clears up the digestion problem he'd had plus the anger issues. The remaining mystery is whether or not it's true that he had no EA with him and if so, why not. And how was he able to make a purchase from the canteen or cafeteria when last year's resource teacher put a plan was put in place last year already with the canteen and the cafeteria so they would never sell to Chef unless he had his regular EA with him who'd had the ok from home to ensure Chef wasn't ingesting food that might send him back to the hospital again and to ensure he wasn't spending stolen or unearned money.
So, lesson learned for Chef? Unlikely. Without a knowledgeable, appropriately-supportive adult with him, Chef has always made poor choices when it comes to money regardless of how sick he has made himself other times. With a knowledgeable, appropriately-supportive adult with him, Chef might attempt to lie about where he got the money or about what does or doesn't work for his body, but if he is with someone he respects and he knows they know what works and doesn't work, he usually wants to show that he can make a good choice - just like removing the sugary foods from the food bank bag that he would have otherwise eaten if no one else were there.
Food Bank Days
I've recently noticed that after our last three trips to the food bank, Chef acts up at home. This past time, Chef was very, very chatty about and very, very visually-focused on the food in the room at the food bank. He was quiet on the drive home with a friend of mine, then became very very chatty about the food bank food again once we were home and were unpacking the food, and continued to be very very chatty about it while making supper he offered to make. The high degree of chattiness was concerning since that's usually an indicator that Chef is pretty wound up inside, but all seemed fine - until Chef was reminded that he needed to wipe out the sink before washing dishes. The rest of the evening was not fun at all.
Going to the food bank seems to be an enjoyable outing for Chef when it comes to choosing food items, discovering what's in our pre-packed bag, seeing all the many many bread items and being told he can choose 3 or 4, seeing the large packages of cheese (Chef's been back on dairy now for over a year though in small amounts every day and very small amounts at a time due to digestive/"behavioural" experiences), and exploring/choosing items from the table by the door. He seems to enjoy seeing the now-familiar volunteers and definitely seems to enjoy the comments they make about him growing or how good it is that he removes sugary foods from our prepacked bag (which is interesting to watch, especially when knowing that if Chef were there on his own and no one knew him, he'd been inhaling all those sugary foods before he even left the food bank ;-) ), etc.
And while Chef isn't "bouncing off the walls" at the food bank, it's clear to those who know him well that it's almost like Christmas for him - there's a plethora of food.
There's also usually a large crowd and fluorescent lights and often a long wait in line that Chef has to deal with (standing for that length of time is difficult for Chef and that much moreso while waiting outside on winter days, other folks might accidentally nudge him or be physically closer than Chef's comfort level allows, etc). Typically what happens is that once he has a visual on food items, that becomes his focus and he'll talk about food generally from that point until we are on our way home - actually he'll quite often still continue talking all the way home and at home about the food.
Grocery shopping has always been one of Chef's favourite outings, and it's something that we've very much enjoyed together. I used to take him to a variety of different shops to buy various ethnic foods, taught him much over the years about nutritional value and how to read the labels, etc., etc. and Chef happily and peacefully drank it all in. I also worked with him for years before he stopped sneaking food off shelves and trying to eat it, and I learned fairly early on not to put grocery bags into the back seat with Chef if I wanted the items they contained to still be there when we got home.
Back to the present, my theory is that he's pretty excited and wound up inside on food bank days, and once we are home and have unpacked and eaten supper, he crashes - similar to a young child at Christmas who is overspent by the excitement of the day and the let-down when it's over.
The other piece is that, through the years, Chef has always wanted all the food immediately after grocery shopping and it generally takes a couple of days before his focus shifts away from that. Food bank days are no different.
The one difference is that Chef doesn't typically act up after grocery shopping yet it's definitely on my radar that "acting up" has happened the last three food bank days. We walk to both the grocery store and the food bank and we walk home from both. There are fluorescent lights and groups of people at both, though foodbank is much smaller and much more enclosed, and requires Chef to hold it together for quite awhile while waiting in a line.
Food bank has the added piece of mystery with a prepacked bag, which is a huge thing for Chef and he often wants to explore the contents of the bag the second it's in his hands, so that will likely add excitement and/or anxiety.
We still remain mostly gluten-free at home so Chef has the greatest dietary benefit possible but we' ve started having some regular bread on weekends when he doesn't need quite as much focus/brainpower/etc as schooldays require, and Chef usually has a bun or two from the food bank once we get home. For as long as I've known him, Chef has been a carbaholic. But when we're grocery shopping, if we pick up bread it primarily involves walking to where the bread is and picking up what we're looking for. At the food bank, there's the excitement/anxiety possibility piece with bread as well because the selection is always different, there's a jumbled myriad of various items on each shelf, and there may or may not be something Chef may have had in mind - it's not nearly as cut and dry as at the grocery store.
The bottom line is that we'll be doing some preplanning now around coping and appropriate behaviour at home for food bank days.
Going to the food bank seems to be an enjoyable outing for Chef when it comes to choosing food items, discovering what's in our pre-packed bag, seeing all the many many bread items and being told he can choose 3 or 4, seeing the large packages of cheese (Chef's been back on dairy now for over a year though in small amounts every day and very small amounts at a time due to digestive/"behavioural" experiences), and exploring/choosing items from the table by the door. He seems to enjoy seeing the now-familiar volunteers and definitely seems to enjoy the comments they make about him growing or how good it is that he removes sugary foods from our prepacked bag (which is interesting to watch, especially when knowing that if Chef were there on his own and no one knew him, he'd been inhaling all those sugary foods before he even left the food bank ;-) ), etc.
And while Chef isn't "bouncing off the walls" at the food bank, it's clear to those who know him well that it's almost like Christmas for him - there's a plethora of food.
There's also usually a large crowd and fluorescent lights and often a long wait in line that Chef has to deal with (standing for that length of time is difficult for Chef and that much moreso while waiting outside on winter days, other folks might accidentally nudge him or be physically closer than Chef's comfort level allows, etc). Typically what happens is that once he has a visual on food items, that becomes his focus and he'll talk about food generally from that point until we are on our way home - actually he'll quite often still continue talking all the way home and at home about the food.
Grocery shopping has always been one of Chef's favourite outings, and it's something that we've very much enjoyed together. I used to take him to a variety of different shops to buy various ethnic foods, taught him much over the years about nutritional value and how to read the labels, etc., etc. and Chef happily and peacefully drank it all in. I also worked with him for years before he stopped sneaking food off shelves and trying to eat it, and I learned fairly early on not to put grocery bags into the back seat with Chef if I wanted the items they contained to still be there when we got home.
Back to the present, my theory is that he's pretty excited and wound up inside on food bank days, and once we are home and have unpacked and eaten supper, he crashes - similar to a young child at Christmas who is overspent by the excitement of the day and the let-down when it's over.
The other piece is that, through the years, Chef has always wanted all the food immediately after grocery shopping and it generally takes a couple of days before his focus shifts away from that. Food bank days are no different.
The one difference is that Chef doesn't typically act up after grocery shopping yet it's definitely on my radar that "acting up" has happened the last three food bank days. We walk to both the grocery store and the food bank and we walk home from both. There are fluorescent lights and groups of people at both, though foodbank is much smaller and much more enclosed, and requires Chef to hold it together for quite awhile while waiting in a line.
Food bank has the added piece of mystery with a prepacked bag, which is a huge thing for Chef and he often wants to explore the contents of the bag the second it's in his hands, so that will likely add excitement and/or anxiety.
We still remain mostly gluten-free at home so Chef has the greatest dietary benefit possible but we' ve started having some regular bread on weekends when he doesn't need quite as much focus/brainpower/etc as schooldays require, and Chef usually has a bun or two from the food bank once we get home. For as long as I've known him, Chef has been a carbaholic. But when we're grocery shopping, if we pick up bread it primarily involves walking to where the bread is and picking up what we're looking for. At the food bank, there's the excitement/anxiety possibility piece with bread as well because the selection is always different, there's a jumbled myriad of various items on each shelf, and there may or may not be something Chef may have had in mind - it's not nearly as cut and dry as at the grocery store.
The bottom line is that we'll be doing some preplanning now around coping and appropriate behaviour at home for food bank days.
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