Monday, November 1, 2010
Yesterday was not fun at our house. It started out ok'ish though. Given the overload of sugar in his system, I gave Chef extra time to sleep in in the morning. When he got up he wanted to make brunch (one of my favourite parts of a weekend!) and did up fried eggs and fried potatoes. We watched part of a video while we ate brunch, then Chef independently started doing chores. About five minutes later, Chef announced that he couldn't clean the bathroom because he only had one rag and that was in the laundry. "Where are the other rags?" "I don't know. I got rid of them" "How do you plan on cleaning the bathroom then?" "I guess I'll have to wait til the laundry's done" "That's not going to work." "(angry whining and escalating body language) Well, what am I supposed to do if I don't have rags??" "First, you can take the whining outside and deal with it there and not bring it back inside." Chef stormed out, stood outside for a few minutes, did some jumping jacks, came back inside when I motioned him in, and did the lunch dishes. While he had been outside, I'd noticed that more of my books were missing from my bookcase. After finishing up the lunch dishes, Chef came into the living room and said he didn't know what to do because he had to wait for the rag that was in the washer. I said that we also needed to discuss the matter of other books missing from the bookcase. Chef immediately stormed, angrily stating that he hadn't taken any books. I told him he could take himself back outside until he was ready to communicate appropriately. Chef tantrummed outside for an hour and a half. When he appeared appropriate and calm for awhile, I invited him back inside. I asked him if he was ready to communicate appropriately. "Yes." "Good, because at some point we'll need to talk about the books." "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T TAKE ANY BOOKS!!" "Back outside til you're ready to communicate appropriately." Chef stormed outside and started throwing pine cones at the house, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly ringing the doorbell, repeatedly kicking the door, banging his head against the living room window and making faces at me then screaming when I would leave the living room, yelling that he was cold, etc., etc. Chef tantrummed for at least an hour and a half that time. Once he was able to be back inside, Chef stated that he'd been taking books on his way out the door to school in the morning and hiding them in his lunchbag. Most mornings, Chef runs out the door at the last minute, and I am at the door with him then watching him from the front window til the bus arrives. Lately, however, I have not been right at the door when he comes in after school. The bookcase is right by the door and Chef wouldn't be hard-pressed to be able to slip out a book and stash it in the closet to take somewhere later on. If I am downstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check before going upstairs (he usually goes upstairs for a rest after school); if I am upstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check when he gets upstairs. We've stopped doing checks for each time Chef goes upstairs otherwise, but it seems to be time to start doing that again. Chef says sometimes he'll say he's going to clean the front entrance (about 5'x5') then hide something in the closet or in his niece's stroller then take it upstairs or stash it outside later.
Chef didn't bring up his laundry from the dryer yesterday. This morning he said he doesn't know where any of his socks are that were just purchased last weekend; I know they were in the hamper, but Chef said they weren't in the laundry room when he took the hamper downstairs. His runners had needed washing on the weekend and he was reminded three times in less than half an hour to put his runners into the washer. That didn't happen; he washed them outside instead. I asked him if he'd forgotten that he's tried that before and it doesn't work. He did work on his lunches last night without issue and actually agreed to take more in his lunches, including a dessert I made for him! This is highly unusual. I'm very thankful he was at that point yesterday. This morning, I packed his lunch into a large, clear tupperware container so it's easy for his school support staff to see what's inside with hopes that it will minimize some of Chef's stealing/stashing attempts. When the bus pulled up, Chef had only been starting to get ready the last few minutes beforehand and was not at all ready to go - though he had actually eaten part of a breakfast! He walked out to the bus barefoot, wearing pyjamas, carrying sandals, his lunch, his jacket (the one that he's kept in the storage room since I bought it for him in summer; it finally got promoted to being brought upstairs and being used!) and a wrinkled outfit he'd pulled out of the dryer. He didn't give his lunch to the driver, and often hasn't been, which usually translates into him eating it on the bus.
I'm a little tuckered out today; actually, a little more than a little.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Last night I discovered someone else's lunchkit hidden in Chef's room. The lunchkit contained over 20 full-sized candy bar wrappers.
This morning, I discovered odd lumps in Chef's mattress and discovered he's been using it for stashing. Again. He's been taking his mattress apart for weeks and it is now serving as more of a stashing area than anything else. Chef's been removing the foam and making it into small squares which he's then been piling along the baseboard in his bedroom. Thread is being formed into balls. There was at least one book inside the mattress; Chef lied about there being anything in the mattress and wasn't participating in removing anything else from inside after he'd pulled out the book - and I'm just not brave enough to reach my hand inside there! This morning, I told Chef it was time to take the mattress out of his room. Out of all of Chef's mattresses over the years, this one has lasted the longest - but it met the same end as all the others; taken apart and used for stashing.
(When Chef has had books in his room, he has been quite happy to drag out chores so he can go to his room and read or has said he is too tired to do anything then goes to his room to read. There have also been many mornings when he isn't functioning well at all because he's been reading instead of sleeping; it's just not worth the morning stresses/raging of Chef being overtired. Oftentimes, the books end up being wrecked or end up disappearing, though not always; this would be fine if they are Chef's books but the ones he usually takes to his room usually belong to someone else or occasionally are now books of his that have been put away for a period of time because he's been reading instead of doing a chore or getting dressed, etc. For awhile, Chef was able to have magazines in his room with the idea that he'd read the magazine and be done with it then go to sleep; that didn't happen. He was still up in the night reading and rereading and/or making magazine pages into paper airplanes or spitballs. So now the books are on the main floor and Chef has complete access to them when he leaves himself time in the morning, after his chore in the evening, when we are going somewhere and he wants to bring a book along, etc. Chef's bedroom is reserved for quiet time/sleeping. To me, this is less than ideal because it doesn't feel "most normal and least restrictive" yet it seems to be what "works best" when it comes to Chef being out of his room in the evening and Chef sleeping at night.)
Chef was out of sorts this morning and used his "getting ready to go out" time this morning to grump around the house and show his displeasure. When it was time to go, Chef walked out wearing his pyjamas, a pair of shoes, and a jacket. We met a friend for lunch (Chef brought some vegetables along after I told him he needed to bring a lunch because I wouldn't be buying lunch for someone who'd taken what didn't belong to him and had lied and grumped about what he'd done) then ran some errands. When we were walking home, I talked with Chef about honesty and responsibility and dignity.
It continues to amaze me that Chef's body can physically handle what he occasionally puts into it. 20+ candy bars?? This one rates up there with the jar of peanut butter he speedily emptied then washed down with a bottle of pancake syrup. I don't know how his body does it.
At any rate, there haven't been any meltdowns today; I'm hoping the rest of the weekend remains the same, and that Chef gets his chores done and leaves himself time to enjoy some weekend activities.
This morning, I discovered odd lumps in Chef's mattress and discovered he's been using it for stashing. Again. He's been taking his mattress apart for weeks and it is now serving as more of a stashing area than anything else. Chef's been removing the foam and making it into small squares which he's then been piling along the baseboard in his bedroom. Thread is being formed into balls. There was at least one book inside the mattress; Chef lied about there being anything in the mattress and wasn't participating in removing anything else from inside after he'd pulled out the book - and I'm just not brave enough to reach my hand inside there! This morning, I told Chef it was time to take the mattress out of his room. Out of all of Chef's mattresses over the years, this one has lasted the longest - but it met the same end as all the others; taken apart and used for stashing.
(When Chef has had books in his room, he has been quite happy to drag out chores so he can go to his room and read or has said he is too tired to do anything then goes to his room to read. There have also been many mornings when he isn't functioning well at all because he's been reading instead of sleeping; it's just not worth the morning stresses/raging of Chef being overtired. Oftentimes, the books end up being wrecked or end up disappearing, though not always; this would be fine if they are Chef's books but the ones he usually takes to his room usually belong to someone else or occasionally are now books of his that have been put away for a period of time because he's been reading instead of doing a chore or getting dressed, etc. For awhile, Chef was able to have magazines in his room with the idea that he'd read the magazine and be done with it then go to sleep; that didn't happen. He was still up in the night reading and rereading and/or making magazine pages into paper airplanes or spitballs. So now the books are on the main floor and Chef has complete access to them when he leaves himself time in the morning, after his chore in the evening, when we are going somewhere and he wants to bring a book along, etc. Chef's bedroom is reserved for quiet time/sleeping. To me, this is less than ideal because it doesn't feel "most normal and least restrictive" yet it seems to be what "works best" when it comes to Chef being out of his room in the evening and Chef sleeping at night.)
Chef was out of sorts this morning and used his "getting ready to go out" time this morning to grump around the house and show his displeasure. When it was time to go, Chef walked out wearing his pyjamas, a pair of shoes, and a jacket. We met a friend for lunch (Chef brought some vegetables along after I told him he needed to bring a lunch because I wouldn't be buying lunch for someone who'd taken what didn't belong to him and had lied and grumped about what he'd done) then ran some errands. When we were walking home, I talked with Chef about honesty and responsibility and dignity.
It continues to amaze me that Chef's body can physically handle what he occasionally puts into it. 20+ candy bars?? This one rates up there with the jar of peanut butter he speedily emptied then washed down with a bottle of pancake syrup. I don't know how his body does it.
At any rate, there haven't been any meltdowns today; I'm hoping the rest of the weekend remains the same, and that Chef gets his chores done and leaves himself time to enjoy some weekend activities.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
This morning I was thinking about the changes I've seen in Chef over the years; how it's really very amazing to consider how far he's come in his life. I was thinking about how he used to not tolerate praise and now he drinks it in like water in the desert. I remembered how hard he used to fight against getting ready for school because he just wanted to stay home with mom, and all the on-the-way-to-school events that have taken place while trying to get Chef to school over the years. Now he calmly and independently waits for his bus. I thought about how he always wanted to stay in his room if "new people" were in the house, and how bravely he has now ventured into all the "new" of high school. My mind went back to how looooong and difficult it was for Chef to learn any form of physical exercise, and how he now independently does 20 minutes of exercises every day plus uses exercises to help him find his focus or to deal with frustration. Chef isn't comfortable with loud noises, but he copes with them much better now, and no longer runs screaming into the house if there is a loud noise outside. And he is starting to occasionally discuss possible discomfort about an event beforehand. Chef used to be very clear about not wanting to have any disability or difficulty, but is now starting to appropriately communicate about and plan around his needs.
Last night there was a Halloween dance where I used to work. Chef's immediate response was that he didn't want to go because there would be too many people. I have taken Chef to these events for years, and he's even been up and smiling on the dance floor on a few occasions. At last year's Spring Social, Chef said he thought it might be too loud for him, but he agreed to come anyway and spent the evening sitting with other folks he knows (after being repeatedly encouraged by me so he isn't always just with me at a social event), up on the dance floor (after repeated encouragement from others who wanted to support Chef in participating), and volunteering with me in the drink booth. Last night he agreed to come anyway, and initially sat a bit of a distance from everything that was going on and focussed on his snack. Once everyone was finished eating, Chef asked if he could have thirds. I reminded him that chips (crisps) were a "sometimes" food and he'd already had two huge piles. Chef nodded, walked across the dance floor towards the chair where he'd been sitting, then stopped and sat down in a chair right by where people were dancing. At one point he came to me and said he didn't know what to say to a woman who was trying to communicate with him, so we talked about that a bit then I reminded him that he could dance or visit with other folks rather than just stand beside me. Chef nodded then went back to his chair across the room. He has been participating less and less at events, but when he "has" to come along he seems to still be finding ways to be ok with being there. There's been a change here; he used to come along with me to any event or outing and would participate with encouragement, then started to occasionally not get ready to leave or would do other things that would delay leaving. I noticed this about the time that I started nudging Chef to be a bit more independent when we were places where he'd frequently been. When we were going to our weekly music session regularly, for example, I started suggesting to Chef that he sit beside other folks he knew rather than sitting beside me and laying his head down on my lap, etc. Eventually, if it was a new or less familiar event and/or an event that held some sort of possible expectation for him and/or an event where I would be encouraging him to not be velcroed to me, he would act out after being at the event. Then there was a shift to Chef angrily refusing to go somewhere at the last minute. Very recently, he has started discussing concerns before events and has been open to discussing ways of coping with those concerns. It's still questionable as to how much notice to provide to Chef regarding events/outings. Two weeks in advance could mean two weeks of stressing/figuring out ways of not attending; one day or a few hours advance could mean one day or a few hours of the same stressing/figuring. There have been times when I haven't said anything until we're leaving and Chef asks where we're going. The latter has "worked" the best overall, but to me it feels disrespectful given that Chef's 15 years old. Chef says that he prefers knowing a few days ahead because he wants to know in advance, but acknowledges that it's easier for him if he doesn't know until it's time to leave.
"Where growth is greater than quandry, there is beauty."
Last night there was a Halloween dance where I used to work. Chef's immediate response was that he didn't want to go because there would be too many people. I have taken Chef to these events for years, and he's even been up and smiling on the dance floor on a few occasions. At last year's Spring Social, Chef said he thought it might be too loud for him, but he agreed to come anyway and spent the evening sitting with other folks he knows (after being repeatedly encouraged by me so he isn't always just with me at a social event), up on the dance floor (after repeated encouragement from others who wanted to support Chef in participating), and volunteering with me in the drink booth. Last night he agreed to come anyway, and initially sat a bit of a distance from everything that was going on and focussed on his snack. Once everyone was finished eating, Chef asked if he could have thirds. I reminded him that chips (crisps) were a "sometimes" food and he'd already had two huge piles. Chef nodded, walked across the dance floor towards the chair where he'd been sitting, then stopped and sat down in a chair right by where people were dancing. At one point he came to me and said he didn't know what to say to a woman who was trying to communicate with him, so we talked about that a bit then I reminded him that he could dance or visit with other folks rather than just stand beside me. Chef nodded then went back to his chair across the room. He has been participating less and less at events, but when he "has" to come along he seems to still be finding ways to be ok with being there. There's been a change here; he used to come along with me to any event or outing and would participate with encouragement, then started to occasionally not get ready to leave or would do other things that would delay leaving. I noticed this about the time that I started nudging Chef to be a bit more independent when we were places where he'd frequently been. When we were going to our weekly music session regularly, for example, I started suggesting to Chef that he sit beside other folks he knew rather than sitting beside me and laying his head down on my lap, etc. Eventually, if it was a new or less familiar event and/or an event that held some sort of possible expectation for him and/or an event where I would be encouraging him to not be velcroed to me, he would act out after being at the event. Then there was a shift to Chef angrily refusing to go somewhere at the last minute. Very recently, he has started discussing concerns before events and has been open to discussing ways of coping with those concerns. It's still questionable as to how much notice to provide to Chef regarding events/outings. Two weeks in advance could mean two weeks of stressing/figuring out ways of not attending; one day or a few hours advance could mean one day or a few hours of the same stressing/figuring. There have been times when I haven't said anything until we're leaving and Chef asks where we're going. The latter has "worked" the best overall, but to me it feels disrespectful given that Chef's 15 years old. Chef says that he prefers knowing a few days ahead because he wants to know in advance, but acknowledges that it's easier for him if he doesn't know until it's time to leave.
"Where growth is greater than quandry, there is beauty."
Thursday, October 28, 2010
4am Mornings = Not Fun for Anyone
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Chef has been up the past few mornings around 4am to use the washroom. I'm not sure if he's been going right back to bed or not, since I seem to drift in and out of sleep and then feel the need to get up and check to make sure he's back in his room.
On Tuesday, Chef had stayed home from school because he hadn't been feeling well. I'm not sure if he's come down with a cold or if his bedroom is causing him some problems with his sinuses, but on Monday night he asked if he could have a homeschool day on Tuesday. I told him that we could gladly do a homeschool day but those days have to be planned at least a few days beforehand. "Oh," Chef said, "because I'm not feeling very good." We later agreed that we'd see how he was feeling in the morning and if he still wasn't feeling great then he'd stay home for a sick day, then talked a bit about the difference between a homeschool day and a sick day. The next morning, Chef was up just before 4 and was sneezing off and on til about 8:00. I'd turned off the usual 7:30 alarm, but Chef came out of his room at 8 and said he had to get ready for school then started doing exercises. I reminded him that he was just staying home because he was sick, and that he needed to go back to bed. Around 11'ish, Chef came out again but this time said he REALLY needed to get ready for school. He still sounded snuffly. I reminded him again that he was sick and needed to rest so he could get better. Chef said he needed to be at school by lunch. When I asked him why, he said he thought he might have a test. I explored this a bit more with Chef then told him to just go and rest. I had a sense that he was in a rush to get to school for lunch because he knew he'd be missing out on other students' treats at lunchtime. I could be wrong. It's happened before. At noon, Chef told me again that he was feeling fine. He spent the afternoon at home with his sister and niece, and that evening he "redid" the dishes from last week that he said were clean though they weren't (we'd had a respite weekend, so Thursdays dishes were checked after Chef went to bed on Thursday then Chef was away til Monday evening).
This morning I told Chef he could go downstairs on his own and I'd be down in a minute. It was probably closer to three minutes. Chef said, "Ok, I'm going to make some cornmeal." When I went into the kitchen, there was water on the floor by the fridge. Chef said he didn't know what it was from. I opened the fridge door and noticed the lid on a casserole dish wasn't sitting well on the casserole dish, and figured the puddle on the floor was likely condensation from the wet lid. I debated whether or not to ask Chef or just point out the obvious situation. He's been in fairly good space and he's been occasionally starting to own up to things without lying first, then acknowledging that he feels better when he deals with things honestly like that, so I decided there might be an opportunity for Chef to be open about what he'd done so he'd get that feel-good. I asked Chef what he'd been doing in the kitchen so far. He said he'd gotten out his lunch, so I asked him what else he'd been doing in the kitchen. His immediate response of "That's all I was doing" came with whining and the ol' teenager "you don't believe me??" body language. I told him he needed to go find his honesty and appropriate ways of talking then talk to me. Chef went outside and did some jumping jacks then came in and repeated the same scenario. Back outside again. When he came in this time, he made a "grumpy and/or angry" face and stated that he'd grabbed some of the casserole out of the dish and eaten it while getting his lunch out of the fridge. When I reminded him that it would have been better to have breakfast and that there are appropriate ways to access food, he appeared even more indignant, looked like he was about to yell and started to say something but I quickly put my fingers to his lips to close them so he wouldn't wake his niece. Chef immediately started twisting his head and almost lost his balance. After removing my fingers, I asked Chef what the appropriate ways are to get food other than sneaking/grabbing food and stuffing into his mouth. "To ask or to eat at the table" was the grumpy reply. "Ok, did it work to lie and get angry with me over it?" "No," came the grumped reply. "Did it work to use up morning time that you needed to use for getting ready for school?" "No." Chef then started pushing his lip around with his hand. When I asked what he was doing, he said his lip hurt. I told him that it would definitely hurt doing what he was doing, and that if his lip hurt it would be better to put something cold on it. I had a look at his lip, saw nothing, got out a bag of frozen vegetables and put it to Chef's lip. He made an angry face and said his lip didn't hurt, but I wasn't sure if he was just saying that because he didn't like the cold. I told him that if it hurt, the cold would help and that it would be good to have it on there for a few seconds, and if it didn't hurt, then we didn't need the drama. Chef pulled away from the bag and walked over to the counter to get his lunch. I put the frozen vegetables back into the freezer and reminded Chef that he needed to quickly put away dishes from last night (usually not a morning requirement at all but I'm having someone over today and we're using the kitchen, and there were issues with dishes last night) and that he needed to hurry because he was running late. Chef did put the dishes away very quickly then slowly started picking up his lunch items. I asked him where his clothes were and he pointed to the bathroom and said they were in there. I reminded him that he needed to quickly get dressed because his bus would be coming and he still needed to add more food to his lunchbag. Chef started spooning some sauerkraut into a lunch container. And then - the bus came. When I told Chef the bus was here, Chef walked to the bathroom while I hurried to the front door and opened it. I'm having someone over today and sure didn't want the bus leaving and Chef staying home for the day! Chef walked out the door barefoot, in his pyjamas, carrying his clothes and his lunchbag. I reminded him he couldn't be outside barefoot - another eyeroll from Chef, but he stopped, put on his shoes, and went to the bus.
Today's lesson? Even though Chef doesn't have a problem with it on occasional weekends, don't suddenly change up the school morning by telling Chef he can be downstairs on his own for a bit before school, especially when he's been waking early! And mornings aren't the time for "feel-good" opportunities around food-sneaking!
Last night while dishwashing was taking forever because the dishes were being declared as "done" but showed evidence of not having been washed and had to be "re"washed, I considered setting up my camera to record on the kitchen table. I'd done this once in the past and thought I was being fairly brilliant with the idea. However, while the camera was calmly recording the kitchen happenings, I was nervous about leaving my camera there on its own for fear it might be "accidentally bumped" or encounter some similar fate; the concern was outweighing the benefits of recording. I also had absolutely no desire to sit and watch an evening of dragged-out dishwashing after Chef had gone to bed that evening. So last night I decided instead to check in occasionally by watching the reflection of the kitchen in a glassed picture frame in our living room. I've also done this in the past. I turned up the tv volume a bit then walked to where I could see the reflection. Chef didn't seem to notice whatsoever, and what I saw confirmed some of my wonderings. Chef wasn't actually washing dishes, but was doing the "dip, dip, and drainer" move or occasionally giving a dish one swipe with the dishcloth. I then stepped into the kitchen to watch. Chef glanced from the corner of his eye, continued singing, and started using the dishcloth to scrub all parts of the bowl in his hand. Aha! This provided reassurance for me in two areas. First, Chef is indeed still able to wash the dishes and still knows how to do so even on evenings when it is questionable as to why dishwashing is taking so long. Secondly, Chef wants to do what is right and is capable of doing what is right as long as he knows someone is with him or watching him. The latter might be a bit of a stretch seeing that the reassurance was coming from observing dishwashing, but it does seem to follow in pretty well every area of Chef's life. If someone is with him or he knows someone is watching him, he will almost always make good choices.
Dishes and 4am's and this morning aside, Chef seems to be in good spirits. He is taking responsibility for correcting himself when necessary, is generally accepting boundaries at home, and has generally just been pleasant to live with this week. He's been bringing artwork home and seems to be waiting for his hug when he hands me a painting or drawing. On Tuesday afternoon he just about bowled me over when he hugged me unexpectedly as I walked in the door from grocery shopping. Yesterday, he asked if he could give me a hug and actually snuggled in and gave a great squeeze with his arms. Very cool. And last weekend while packing for respite, Chef independently without any prompting at all announced that he needed to pack books because he gets bored of just playing video games and watching tv. And then he packed books! And his respite provider said he did a lot of reading over the weekend. This makes me smile.
Chef has been up the past few mornings around 4am to use the washroom. I'm not sure if he's been going right back to bed or not, since I seem to drift in and out of sleep and then feel the need to get up and check to make sure he's back in his room.
On Tuesday, Chef had stayed home from school because he hadn't been feeling well. I'm not sure if he's come down with a cold or if his bedroom is causing him some problems with his sinuses, but on Monday night he asked if he could have a homeschool day on Tuesday. I told him that we could gladly do a homeschool day but those days have to be planned at least a few days beforehand. "Oh," Chef said, "because I'm not feeling very good." We later agreed that we'd see how he was feeling in the morning and if he still wasn't feeling great then he'd stay home for a sick day, then talked a bit about the difference between a homeschool day and a sick day. The next morning, Chef was up just before 4 and was sneezing off and on til about 8:00. I'd turned off the usual 7:30 alarm, but Chef came out of his room at 8 and said he had to get ready for school then started doing exercises. I reminded him that he was just staying home because he was sick, and that he needed to go back to bed. Around 11'ish, Chef came out again but this time said he REALLY needed to get ready for school. He still sounded snuffly. I reminded him again that he was sick and needed to rest so he could get better. Chef said he needed to be at school by lunch. When I asked him why, he said he thought he might have a test. I explored this a bit more with Chef then told him to just go and rest. I had a sense that he was in a rush to get to school for lunch because he knew he'd be missing out on other students' treats at lunchtime. I could be wrong. It's happened before. At noon, Chef told me again that he was feeling fine. He spent the afternoon at home with his sister and niece, and that evening he "redid" the dishes from last week that he said were clean though they weren't (we'd had a respite weekend, so Thursdays dishes were checked after Chef went to bed on Thursday then Chef was away til Monday evening).
This morning I told Chef he could go downstairs on his own and I'd be down in a minute. It was probably closer to three minutes. Chef said, "Ok, I'm going to make some cornmeal." When I went into the kitchen, there was water on the floor by the fridge. Chef said he didn't know what it was from. I opened the fridge door and noticed the lid on a casserole dish wasn't sitting well on the casserole dish, and figured the puddle on the floor was likely condensation from the wet lid. I debated whether or not to ask Chef or just point out the obvious situation. He's been in fairly good space and he's been occasionally starting to own up to things without lying first, then acknowledging that he feels better when he deals with things honestly like that, so I decided there might be an opportunity for Chef to be open about what he'd done so he'd get that feel-good. I asked Chef what he'd been doing in the kitchen so far. He said he'd gotten out his lunch, so I asked him what else he'd been doing in the kitchen. His immediate response of "That's all I was doing" came with whining and the ol' teenager "you don't believe me??" body language. I told him he needed to go find his honesty and appropriate ways of talking then talk to me. Chef went outside and did some jumping jacks then came in and repeated the same scenario. Back outside again. When he came in this time, he made a "grumpy and/or angry" face and stated that he'd grabbed some of the casserole out of the dish and eaten it while getting his lunch out of the fridge. When I reminded him that it would have been better to have breakfast and that there are appropriate ways to access food, he appeared even more indignant, looked like he was about to yell and started to say something but I quickly put my fingers to his lips to close them so he wouldn't wake his niece. Chef immediately started twisting his head and almost lost his balance. After removing my fingers, I asked Chef what the appropriate ways are to get food other than sneaking/grabbing food and stuffing into his mouth. "To ask or to eat at the table" was the grumpy reply. "Ok, did it work to lie and get angry with me over it?" "No," came the grumped reply. "Did it work to use up morning time that you needed to use for getting ready for school?" "No." Chef then started pushing his lip around with his hand. When I asked what he was doing, he said his lip hurt. I told him that it would definitely hurt doing what he was doing, and that if his lip hurt it would be better to put something cold on it. I had a look at his lip, saw nothing, got out a bag of frozen vegetables and put it to Chef's lip. He made an angry face and said his lip didn't hurt, but I wasn't sure if he was just saying that because he didn't like the cold. I told him that if it hurt, the cold would help and that it would be good to have it on there for a few seconds, and if it didn't hurt, then we didn't need the drama. Chef pulled away from the bag and walked over to the counter to get his lunch. I put the frozen vegetables back into the freezer and reminded Chef that he needed to quickly put away dishes from last night (usually not a morning requirement at all but I'm having someone over today and we're using the kitchen, and there were issues with dishes last night) and that he needed to hurry because he was running late. Chef did put the dishes away very quickly then slowly started picking up his lunch items. I asked him where his clothes were and he pointed to the bathroom and said they were in there. I reminded him that he needed to quickly get dressed because his bus would be coming and he still needed to add more food to his lunchbag. Chef started spooning some sauerkraut into a lunch container. And then - the bus came. When I told Chef the bus was here, Chef walked to the bathroom while I hurried to the front door and opened it. I'm having someone over today and sure didn't want the bus leaving and Chef staying home for the day! Chef walked out the door barefoot, in his pyjamas, carrying his clothes and his lunchbag. I reminded him he couldn't be outside barefoot - another eyeroll from Chef, but he stopped, put on his shoes, and went to the bus.
Today's lesson? Even though Chef doesn't have a problem with it on occasional weekends, don't suddenly change up the school morning by telling Chef he can be downstairs on his own for a bit before school, especially when he's been waking early! And mornings aren't the time for "feel-good" opportunities around food-sneaking!
Last night while dishwashing was taking forever because the dishes were being declared as "done" but showed evidence of not having been washed and had to be "re"washed, I considered setting up my camera to record on the kitchen table. I'd done this once in the past and thought I was being fairly brilliant with the idea. However, while the camera was calmly recording the kitchen happenings, I was nervous about leaving my camera there on its own for fear it might be "accidentally bumped" or encounter some similar fate; the concern was outweighing the benefits of recording. I also had absolutely no desire to sit and watch an evening of dragged-out dishwashing after Chef had gone to bed that evening. So last night I decided instead to check in occasionally by watching the reflection of the kitchen in a glassed picture frame in our living room. I've also done this in the past. I turned up the tv volume a bit then walked to where I could see the reflection. Chef didn't seem to notice whatsoever, and what I saw confirmed some of my wonderings. Chef wasn't actually washing dishes, but was doing the "dip, dip, and drainer" move or occasionally giving a dish one swipe with the dishcloth. I then stepped into the kitchen to watch. Chef glanced from the corner of his eye, continued singing, and started using the dishcloth to scrub all parts of the bowl in his hand. Aha! This provided reassurance for me in two areas. First, Chef is indeed still able to wash the dishes and still knows how to do so even on evenings when it is questionable as to why dishwashing is taking so long. Secondly, Chef wants to do what is right and is capable of doing what is right as long as he knows someone is with him or watching him. The latter might be a bit of a stretch seeing that the reassurance was coming from observing dishwashing, but it does seem to follow in pretty well every area of Chef's life. If someone is with him or he knows someone is watching him, he will almost always make good choices.
Dishes and 4am's and this morning aside, Chef seems to be in good spirits. He is taking responsibility for correcting himself when necessary, is generally accepting boundaries at home, and has generally just been pleasant to live with this week. He's been bringing artwork home and seems to be waiting for his hug when he hands me a painting or drawing. On Tuesday afternoon he just about bowled me over when he hugged me unexpectedly as I walked in the door from grocery shopping. Yesterday, he asked if he could give me a hug and actually snuggled in and gave a great squeeze with his arms. Very cool. And last weekend while packing for respite, Chef independently without any prompting at all announced that he needed to pack books because he gets bored of just playing video games and watching tv. And then he packed books! And his respite provider said he did a lot of reading over the weekend. This makes me smile.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
A Lovely Time Was Had By All
October 21, 2010
We've had a very nice evening.
Chef came home from school, gave me a picture he'd coloured at school, accepted a hug from me, and went to his room for a rest.
When he got up, he threw his laundry into the washer, asked if he could make supper while he was waiting for teatowels that were in the washer, and cooked a lovely supper of pasta with fried ground turkey and fried onions with tomato sauce. After supper, Chef did the dishes (I haven't checked them yet, but Chef had worked quickly and without issue), made popcorn, cleaned the downstairs bathroom and the upstairs bathroom, finished his laundry, made his bed (bottom sheet, top sheet, blanket!) had a bath (first bath in weeks, though did have a shower on his last respite weekend) and changed into pyjamas (first time in two weeks). Chef visited with his baby niece while we watched a video together, then he brushed his teeth, said goodnight, and went to bed.
There were only a couple of prompts throughout the entire evening; twice, Chef came into the living room and was getting ready to relax for the evening and I asked if he was finished everything he needed to finish. Chef normally would only have one chore in the evening plus a weekend chore, but he hasn't really been doing any of his chores for weeks and he knows he needs to do them before having free time. After each of the two times when I asked him if he was finished everything he needed to finish, he took some time to think about it then independently continued on with what he needed to do without any further prompting.
There had been talk at one point about the possibility of going out to see a movie but that hadn't been til after Chef was already on a roll with his chores.
We've had a very nice evening.
We've had a very nice evening.
Chef came home from school, gave me a picture he'd coloured at school, accepted a hug from me, and went to his room for a rest.
When he got up, he threw his laundry into the washer, asked if he could make supper while he was waiting for teatowels that were in the washer, and cooked a lovely supper of pasta with fried ground turkey and fried onions with tomato sauce. After supper, Chef did the dishes (I haven't checked them yet, but Chef had worked quickly and without issue), made popcorn, cleaned the downstairs bathroom and the upstairs bathroom, finished his laundry, made his bed (bottom sheet, top sheet, blanket!) had a bath (first bath in weeks, though did have a shower on his last respite weekend) and changed into pyjamas (first time in two weeks). Chef visited with his baby niece while we watched a video together, then he brushed his teeth, said goodnight, and went to bed.
There were only a couple of prompts throughout the entire evening; twice, Chef came into the living room and was getting ready to relax for the evening and I asked if he was finished everything he needed to finish. Chef normally would only have one chore in the evening plus a weekend chore, but he hasn't really been doing any of his chores for weeks and he knows he needs to do them before having free time. After each of the two times when I asked him if he was finished everything he needed to finish, he took some time to think about it then independently continued on with what he needed to do without any further prompting.
There had been talk at one point about the possibility of going out to see a movie but that hadn't been til after Chef was already on a roll with his chores.
We've had a very nice evening.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Hugs and Food and Foster Care
October 20, 2010
We've had a nice evening.
When Chef came home, he handed me a card he'd made for me at school. This is the third piece of art he's given me since school started. I told Chef that I felt like giving him a hug, and I know he doesn't like hugging but I wanted him to know that I felt like giving him one. Chef looked down at the floor and said, "Oh." I asked why he was looking down at the floor, and Chef said that he likes hugs. Well, this was news! There have been many "issues" with hugging over the years and Chef has stated that he isn't comfortable with hugs. When I said I was surprised to hear he likes hugs because he's said and shown that he doesn't like them, Chef said he doesn't remember saying he doesn't like hugs and stated again that he likes them. Well, well! Hugs it is then!
Chef had his usual rest when he got home from school, then immediately worked on dishes. He and I talked for a bit before supper. I told him I'd been hearing that he has the possibility of foster care on his mind, and that he seems to think that if he's in foster care he wouldn't have to do any chores - two people told me that today, so I decided I didn't need to discuss specific names with Chef and that it was enough to say that I'd been hearing it from folks. Chef's initial response was, "Yeah, I said that a long time ago when I was angry because I didn't want to do chores." When I said that I'd heard it recently, he said that he hadn't said it recently, then repeated that he'd said it a long time ago when he was angry because he hadn't wanted to do chores. I said I wondered if there were any other reasons he might have talked about foster care. Chef said, "Just chores cuz I didn't want to do them. And I wanted some new stuff." "New stuff?" "Yeah, sometimes kids get new stuff if they're in a foster home and maybe I'd get some new stuff." "Or you could go through the appropriate steps at home and use allowance to get new stuff, or take care of things so people want to buy you new stuff, or behave appropriately so you don't miss out on opportunities where you could get new stuff." Chef nodded, then repeated that he'd said that a long time ago when he was angry about chores. I asked Chef if he felt like I might place him in foster care. "No, I don't think so. You did that one time, I think, but that was a long time ago." We talked about some of his experiences in that foster home (I'd placed him for a short time when he was in grade 5 because I was exhausted from not sleeping at night after discovering Chef had been climbing out his bedroom window to get candy from the corner store), and I was shocked when Chef started talking about chores. In the past, he'd said he hadn't had to do chores there. Tonight he said everyone had to take turns cleaning up different parts of the kitchen after supper and no one had to clean up the whole kitchen and no one ever had to do any other chores. So I explored that with him. As I asked questions, Chef seemed surprised to realize that the other/older foster children (in jr high, according to Chef, when Chef was in grade 5) in that home were actually doing supper dishes for six people compared to him doing supper dishes for two. He'd apparently been focusing on the fact that the kitchen chores in the foster home had been divided among 4 children (dishes for family of 6 plus bigger kitchen), whereas his kitchen chore involves the dishes plus wiping the counters/stovetop plus sweeping (dishes for family of 2, tiny kitchen). Chef then pointed out that no one there had to do any other chores. I asked if they had to keep their rooms reasonable. "Well, yeah, but that's it other than helping in the kitchen." "Did they have to get up in the morning and wash up?" "Yeah." "Were they expected to wear clean clothes?" "I don't know." "Hmmm, so you're thinking they had it easier because the kitchen chores were divided up, even though they had to clean up after more people, and they didn't have another chore to do on the weekend?" We talked a bit more then had supper.
Chef worked on dishes again after supper and was done in half an hour. Unfortunately, about a sinkload needed to be "re"washed, and there weren't any clean teatowels available; some had been tucked away in different places in the kitchen closet and hadn't make it into the laundry, so the rewash will need to wait til tomorrow.
Food: At supper tonight, I asked Chef if he could get out a leftover meatball that was in the fridge. Chef initially said, "OK" and went to the fridge - then he stopped, looked at me, and said "I ate it last night." "Oh. I didn't see you eating it in the kitchen or living room or anywhere." "That's cuz I snucked it." Honesty! No games, no lying ad nauseam. Honesty! I told him to go think about the appropriate ways of having food and gave him kudos for being honest about sneaking. After finishing his supper tonight, Chef asked if he could have an orange! I'd just bought a box of Christmas oranges that was on sale, and I knew I'd be having one later in the evening and figured Chef would want one then as well, so we talked about some other options and I told him he could have baby carrots for now then have an orange with his popcorn during his free time once he was finished his dishes. He ate the carrots, then worked on dishes - see above. He started popping popcorn and peeling an orange, but was reminded that free time comes after dishes and dishes hadn't been checked. Chef accepted that. I went into the kitchen to check the dishes and discovered the popcorn popper was sitting in a puddle of water beside the sink; plugged in and turned on. After removing it and drying it off, I reminded Chef of the importance of not having appliances in water and not having water all over the counters. Chef cleaned up the water, said that he would get his laundry done tomorrow so he could finish dishes, brushed his teeth, said goodnight, and went up to his room in good space.
We've had a nice evening.
When Chef came home, he handed me a card he'd made for me at school. This is the third piece of art he's given me since school started. I told Chef that I felt like giving him a hug, and I know he doesn't like hugging but I wanted him to know that I felt like giving him one. Chef looked down at the floor and said, "Oh." I asked why he was looking down at the floor, and Chef said that he likes hugs. Well, this was news! There have been many "issues" with hugging over the years and Chef has stated that he isn't comfortable with hugs. When I said I was surprised to hear he likes hugs because he's said and shown that he doesn't like them, Chef said he doesn't remember saying he doesn't like hugs and stated again that he likes them. Well, well! Hugs it is then!
Chef had his usual rest when he got home from school, then immediately worked on dishes. He and I talked for a bit before supper. I told him I'd been hearing that he has the possibility of foster care on his mind, and that he seems to think that if he's in foster care he wouldn't have to do any chores - two people told me that today, so I decided I didn't need to discuss specific names with Chef and that it was enough to say that I'd been hearing it from folks. Chef's initial response was, "Yeah, I said that a long time ago when I was angry because I didn't want to do chores." When I said that I'd heard it recently, he said that he hadn't said it recently, then repeated that he'd said it a long time ago when he was angry because he hadn't wanted to do chores. I said I wondered if there were any other reasons he might have talked about foster care. Chef said, "Just chores cuz I didn't want to do them. And I wanted some new stuff." "New stuff?" "Yeah, sometimes kids get new stuff if they're in a foster home and maybe I'd get some new stuff." "Or you could go through the appropriate steps at home and use allowance to get new stuff, or take care of things so people want to buy you new stuff, or behave appropriately so you don't miss out on opportunities where you could get new stuff." Chef nodded, then repeated that he'd said that a long time ago when he was angry about chores. I asked Chef if he felt like I might place him in foster care. "No, I don't think so. You did that one time, I think, but that was a long time ago." We talked about some of his experiences in that foster home (I'd placed him for a short time when he was in grade 5 because I was exhausted from not sleeping at night after discovering Chef had been climbing out his bedroom window to get candy from the corner store), and I was shocked when Chef started talking about chores. In the past, he'd said he hadn't had to do chores there. Tonight he said everyone had to take turns cleaning up different parts of the kitchen after supper and no one had to clean up the whole kitchen and no one ever had to do any other chores. So I explored that with him. As I asked questions, Chef seemed surprised to realize that the other/older foster children (in jr high, according to Chef, when Chef was in grade 5) in that home were actually doing supper dishes for six people compared to him doing supper dishes for two. He'd apparently been focusing on the fact that the kitchen chores in the foster home had been divided among 4 children (dishes for family of 6 plus bigger kitchen), whereas his kitchen chore involves the dishes plus wiping the counters/stovetop plus sweeping (dishes for family of 2, tiny kitchen). Chef then pointed out that no one there had to do any other chores. I asked if they had to keep their rooms reasonable. "Well, yeah, but that's it other than helping in the kitchen." "Did they have to get up in the morning and wash up?" "Yeah." "Were they expected to wear clean clothes?" "I don't know." "Hmmm, so you're thinking they had it easier because the kitchen chores were divided up, even though they had to clean up after more people, and they didn't have another chore to do on the weekend?" We talked a bit more then had supper.
Chef worked on dishes again after supper and was done in half an hour. Unfortunately, about a sinkload needed to be "re"washed, and there weren't any clean teatowels available; some had been tucked away in different places in the kitchen closet and hadn't make it into the laundry, so the rewash will need to wait til tomorrow.
Food: At supper tonight, I asked Chef if he could get out a leftover meatball that was in the fridge. Chef initially said, "OK" and went to the fridge - then he stopped, looked at me, and said "I ate it last night." "Oh. I didn't see you eating it in the kitchen or living room or anywhere." "That's cuz I snucked it." Honesty! No games, no lying ad nauseam. Honesty! I told him to go think about the appropriate ways of having food and gave him kudos for being honest about sneaking. After finishing his supper tonight, Chef asked if he could have an orange! I'd just bought a box of Christmas oranges that was on sale, and I knew I'd be having one later in the evening and figured Chef would want one then as well, so we talked about some other options and I told him he could have baby carrots for now then have an orange with his popcorn during his free time once he was finished his dishes. He ate the carrots, then worked on dishes - see above. He started popping popcorn and peeling an orange, but was reminded that free time comes after dishes and dishes hadn't been checked. Chef accepted that. I went into the kitchen to check the dishes and discovered the popcorn popper was sitting in a puddle of water beside the sink; plugged in and turned on. After removing it and drying it off, I reminded Chef of the importance of not having appliances in water and not having water all over the counters. Chef cleaned up the water, said that he would get his laundry done tomorrow so he could finish dishes, brushed his teeth, said goodnight, and went up to his room in good space.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
And Then There Are All Those "Maybe" Thoughts
"Civilization must be imposed on all of us, and both parents and children suffer in the process." ~Barbara Pierce
If today's blog were to focus on Chef taking care of himself (hygiene, clothes, bedroom, bedding, etc.) and his responsibilities (one chore per day plus weekend chore, preparing school lunches, getting up in the morning, his laundry), then today's blog would be very long and drawn-out and draining. Maybe it will be anyway!
Nutshell: Chef is back to not getting up when the alarm goes off the first time and sometimes the second time and sometimes the third or fourth time, is back to wearing the same clothes day after day, is back to not putting bedding on his bed and back to taking apart his mattress, is still dragging out and not completing chores, is not bathing or washing (though he's brushing his teeth once in awhile!), is still attempting to bring a tiny lunch to school at times, is not putting on outerwear on chilly days even with repeated discussion on my part and shivering on his part, and his room is - well, I can't believe he wants to live in the room he continues to create.
I still haven't found what acts as a motivator for Chef. That good ol' internal motivation seems to be damaged or delayed or absent, and there has never seemed to be much interest in any reward system other than wanting to receive the reward without having to do anything to earn such. Even comfort doesn't seem to be a motivator, evidenced by Chef's preference to not put bedding on his bed, not wear a jacket when reminded that he needs one because it's chilly and he's shivering, etc. Maybe my definition of comfort is just that much different than Chef's. Maybe Chef secretly wonders why on earth anyone would want sheets rubbing against them while they're trying to sleep. Maybe sensory is overriding the desire to be warm (though when Chef was younger, we had to hide his parka and boots so he'd stop trying to wear them into late Spring and Summer, and he wanted to wear turtlenecks in summer; maybe Chef's internal thermostat is set in a way that I'm not understanding, even though his body is shivering).
Back to motivators otherwise: Chef has the opportunity to receive his maximum allowance money which is $8/wk right now, but he also has the opportunity to earn more money through extra chores. Chef has had years of opportunity to earn $10 for a book report (because he was into writing them at the time this opportunity began) or $10 for learning a song on any instrument/singing (because he was participating in music at the time) or money for collecting pinecones (in our yard) which he happily collected for free one day then didn't collect them anymore when I said he could collect more for money. When he was younger I offered him money for each painting he did in the hopes that he would realize how cool it was to have money he'd earned but instead he stopped painting etc., etc., and treats were used as motivators briefly in the past til I learned that food shouldn't be used for children with food challenges. I don't remember the treats motivating Chef either except that he was angry when he didn't receive the treat. Chef's choices of free time opportunities (free time happens after chore time) include video games (hand-held now, since the game systems/computer games didn't seem to matter as motivators either and eventually moved out with his sister), playing with his baby niece, painting or other art, reading, movie/popcorn night with rental movie of his choice, doing stuff outside/in town, possibly going to a movie, board games or card games, doing a puzzle, etc., etc., etc. Unfortunately, Chef presently doesn't seem motivated towards any of these to the point of completing a chore. If I look at Chef's life overall, the completion of a chore happens when he "just decides to do it" seemingly regardless of outcomes. It's as though he just gets tired of not doing it.
If his support worker sits in the kitchen, Chef will complete dishes. One evening, a friend dropped by to help with a door and Chef, who'd been puttering in the kitchen, was suddenly scrubbing the outside of the oven!
Food: Recently, there were dried herbs on the kitchen floor. I reminded Chef that he needs to clean things up when he spills, then asked what they were from. Chef said the spices were from the pan where I'd cooked chicken. Given the amount on the floor and the fact that the dinner remains from the chicken pan were in sauce form, not dried and separate green bits, Chef's response didn't make sense but I didn't say anything and again reminded him to clean it up. The next day I found that the lids to some of the dried herbs/spices were topsy-turvy, and the lid to the sea-salt jar was loose. When I asked Chef what was going on with the herbs/spices, he said he was hungry (ok, yes, first he said he didn't know why the lids were like that and that he hadn't touched them and then said again that he hadn't, but on the third time he said that he had eaten them because he was hungry). I asked if it wouldn't have been a better idea to get some food from the fridge or make some popcorn if he was hungry. I wonder if he'd smelled the herbs I used on the chicken and just needed more of that taste. Sometimes I've wondered if it's a big hit of taste that Chef's unknowingly needing/wanting. He's very big on hot sauce, hot peppers, etc. When he took someone else's money to the school cafeteria that one day, he inhaled a burger and a meat pie but - he ate FOUR cinnamon buns; could be many reasons attached to that but maybe the cinnamon smell drew him in and called his name. He has downed bottles of salad dressing, loves loves loves ketchup, inhaled mustard from the bottle, mixed vanilla with rice flour and ate it, drank vanilla and other flavour extracts, has eaten mayo by the jar, has eaten peanut butter by the jar and washed it down with syrup, etc., etc. He's never taken to drinking olive oil or canola oil or any other kitchen oil, and I can't think of anything else that's bland that has drawn him in the past. Maybe I'm just not remembering. Chef used to drink water at home when he was younger, but he's rarely been drinking water the past couple of years. I thought he'd stopped drinking it because when he told his respite provider that he doesn't like water, I said that seemed strange because he drank water at home without issue. Maybe it's too bland for him. In the past, a team member had suggested a lot of crunchiness in Chef's diet to help with oral satiation. Maybe he also needs a lot of big hits of flavour as well. I don't know. As I'm typing this, I'm also thinking about the fact that Chef has always had full access to spices and herbs and his hot sauces so maybe it's not just flavour but specific flavours. If he smells something, maybe he needs/wants more of that flavour? I could be way off on this; after all, Chef says the reason he tries to sneak food is because he wants to be alone and the food feels more like his if he sneaks it and eats it by himself. I get that. I feel that way occasionally about candy bars or other treats.
**This Thursday will mark two weeks of not trying to sneak food upstairs.
**Today marks the one-week anniversary of not sneaking food at home at all.
**For the past while, Chef has taken any hint of grump or dishonesty or attitude or frustration outside to deal with. Sometimes he's spent more time outside than inside. It makes for a lot of door-activity in our house, but door-activity makes for much nicer evenings than otherwise.
**For quite some time now, Chef has been independently doing 20 minutes of exercise a day! It took literally years to get to this point, and much work on both of our parts regarding when (after school?before bed?mornings?evenings?), where, and how, but for months now (except on days when Chef stays in bed til we're almost out the door) Chef does 20 minutes of exercise when he gets up in the morning.
"It takes time." ~Russell Bergmann
If today's blog were to focus on Chef taking care of himself (hygiene, clothes, bedroom, bedding, etc.) and his responsibilities (one chore per day plus weekend chore, preparing school lunches, getting up in the morning, his laundry), then today's blog would be very long and drawn-out and draining. Maybe it will be anyway!
Nutshell: Chef is back to not getting up when the alarm goes off the first time and sometimes the second time and sometimes the third or fourth time, is back to wearing the same clothes day after day, is back to not putting bedding on his bed and back to taking apart his mattress, is still dragging out and not completing chores, is not bathing or washing (though he's brushing his teeth once in awhile!), is still attempting to bring a tiny lunch to school at times, is not putting on outerwear on chilly days even with repeated discussion on my part and shivering on his part, and his room is - well, I can't believe he wants to live in the room he continues to create.
I still haven't found what acts as a motivator for Chef. That good ol' internal motivation seems to be damaged or delayed or absent, and there has never seemed to be much interest in any reward system other than wanting to receive the reward without having to do anything to earn such. Even comfort doesn't seem to be a motivator, evidenced by Chef's preference to not put bedding on his bed, not wear a jacket when reminded that he needs one because it's chilly and he's shivering, etc. Maybe my definition of comfort is just that much different than Chef's. Maybe Chef secretly wonders why on earth anyone would want sheets rubbing against them while they're trying to sleep. Maybe sensory is overriding the desire to be warm (though when Chef was younger, we had to hide his parka and boots so he'd stop trying to wear them into late Spring and Summer, and he wanted to wear turtlenecks in summer; maybe Chef's internal thermostat is set in a way that I'm not understanding, even though his body is shivering).
Back to motivators otherwise: Chef has the opportunity to receive his maximum allowance money which is $8/wk right now, but he also has the opportunity to earn more money through extra chores. Chef has had years of opportunity to earn $10 for a book report (because he was into writing them at the time this opportunity began) or $10 for learning a song on any instrument/singing (because he was participating in music at the time) or money for collecting pinecones (in our yard) which he happily collected for free one day then didn't collect them anymore when I said he could collect more for money. When he was younger I offered him money for each painting he did in the hopes that he would realize how cool it was to have money he'd earned but instead he stopped painting etc., etc., and treats were used as motivators briefly in the past til I learned that food shouldn't be used for children with food challenges. I don't remember the treats motivating Chef either except that he was angry when he didn't receive the treat. Chef's choices of free time opportunities (free time happens after chore time) include video games (hand-held now, since the game systems/computer games didn't seem to matter as motivators either and eventually moved out with his sister), playing with his baby niece, painting or other art, reading, movie/popcorn night with rental movie of his choice, doing stuff outside/in town, possibly going to a movie, board games or card games, doing a puzzle, etc., etc., etc. Unfortunately, Chef presently doesn't seem motivated towards any of these to the point of completing a chore. If I look at Chef's life overall, the completion of a chore happens when he "just decides to do it" seemingly regardless of outcomes. It's as though he just gets tired of not doing it.
If his support worker sits in the kitchen, Chef will complete dishes. One evening, a friend dropped by to help with a door and Chef, who'd been puttering in the kitchen, was suddenly scrubbing the outside of the oven!
Food: Recently, there were dried herbs on the kitchen floor. I reminded Chef that he needs to clean things up when he spills, then asked what they were from. Chef said the spices were from the pan where I'd cooked chicken. Given the amount on the floor and the fact that the dinner remains from the chicken pan were in sauce form, not dried and separate green bits, Chef's response didn't make sense but I didn't say anything and again reminded him to clean it up. The next day I found that the lids to some of the dried herbs/spices were topsy-turvy, and the lid to the sea-salt jar was loose. When I asked Chef what was going on with the herbs/spices, he said he was hungry (ok, yes, first he said he didn't know why the lids were like that and that he hadn't touched them and then said again that he hadn't, but on the third time he said that he had eaten them because he was hungry). I asked if it wouldn't have been a better idea to get some food from the fridge or make some popcorn if he was hungry. I wonder if he'd smelled the herbs I used on the chicken and just needed more of that taste. Sometimes I've wondered if it's a big hit of taste that Chef's unknowingly needing/wanting. He's very big on hot sauce, hot peppers, etc. When he took someone else's money to the school cafeteria that one day, he inhaled a burger and a meat pie but - he ate FOUR cinnamon buns; could be many reasons attached to that but maybe the cinnamon smell drew him in and called his name. He has downed bottles of salad dressing, loves loves loves ketchup, inhaled mustard from the bottle, mixed vanilla with rice flour and ate it, drank vanilla and other flavour extracts, has eaten mayo by the jar, has eaten peanut butter by the jar and washed it down with syrup, etc., etc. He's never taken to drinking olive oil or canola oil or any other kitchen oil, and I can't think of anything else that's bland that has drawn him in the past. Maybe I'm just not remembering. Chef used to drink water at home when he was younger, but he's rarely been drinking water the past couple of years. I thought he'd stopped drinking it because when he told his respite provider that he doesn't like water, I said that seemed strange because he drank water at home without issue. Maybe it's too bland for him. In the past, a team member had suggested a lot of crunchiness in Chef's diet to help with oral satiation. Maybe he also needs a lot of big hits of flavour as well. I don't know. As I'm typing this, I'm also thinking about the fact that Chef has always had full access to spices and herbs and his hot sauces so maybe it's not just flavour but specific flavours. If he smells something, maybe he needs/wants more of that flavour? I could be way off on this; after all, Chef says the reason he tries to sneak food is because he wants to be alone and the food feels more like his if he sneaks it and eats it by himself. I get that. I feel that way occasionally about candy bars or other treats.
**This Thursday will mark two weeks of not trying to sneak food upstairs.
**Today marks the one-week anniversary of not sneaking food at home at all.
**For the past while, Chef has taken any hint of grump or dishonesty or attitude or frustration outside to deal with. Sometimes he's spent more time outside than inside. It makes for a lot of door-activity in our house, but door-activity makes for much nicer evenings than otherwise.
**For quite some time now, Chef has been independently doing 20 minutes of exercise a day! It took literally years to get to this point, and much work on both of our parts regarding when (after school?before bed?mornings?evenings?), where, and how, but for months now (except on days when Chef stays in bed til we're almost out the door) Chef does 20 minutes of exercise when he gets up in the morning.
"It takes time." ~Russell Bergmann
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