July 11, 2011
The retreat. The music retreat. Where do I begin?
There's so much to tell because Chef did so exceptionally well the entire time!
And the day after the retreat, he came along on a day trip with a friend and me, followed by a day of absolutely nothing except life basics, followed by making crafts for his first volunteer shift at the local arts center. A year ago, I never would have imagined Chef accomplishing what he's accomplished in the past week.
I've decided to separate "The Retreat" from today's post. It really does need its own celebratory space.
And so, on to today....
Today is Day #2 of Chef sitting in his room wrapped in a sheet that has definitely seen better days. In my ongoing attempt at minimizing, I decided about a month ago that I don't need all the sets of sheets I've received over the years, so I passed along a nice, new'ish set to Chef. I figured a high thread count would enhance its longevity. Fast forward a few weeks and you'll find the bottom sheet no longer in existence and the top sheet is now torn along the edges with various holes here and there, and spotted with fingerprint-shaped bloodstains from picked/dabbed scabs. Apparently this is the stuff of which togas are made.
The most recent TogaDays started a few days ago if we include the lead-up days. Chef was reminded to toss in his load of laundry on Wednesday evening once we returned from retreat. He was reminded again on Thursday and again on Friday. On Saturday morning when Chef came downstairs to play with his niece who'd arrived for the day, he went down to put his laundry in the dryer then said he would finish on Sunday. I asked him how his clothes would look if he kept them in the dryer overnight. "Not good. But I don't want to do chores, it's holidays." "You've been on holidays for over a week without chores and you need clean clothes." "K." But it wasn't ok. Chores were avoided at all cost and we shifted into "no fun for Chef til his clothes are done and dishes are finished" mode. By yesterday, Chef had completely run out of clothes and decided this meant a day off to just hang out in his room. This created two self-confessed dilemmas for Chef: hunger and boredom. Togas are not welcomed mealtime attire in my home. This means that Chef needed to get his clothes, get dressed, and be ready to eat at mealtimes. Chef chose otherwise and was given a snack in the afternoon and another in the evening. We talked about what had "worked" and what hadn't "worked" and what would have "worked" and about Chef's plan for the next day. I went downstairs to water plants and discovered little white clumps/spots all over the deck. Baking soda. Chef was not impressed with having to come downstairs in his toga to clean up his mess on the deck.
Today was a rerun of yesterday until 1pm when I told Chef that he needed to go outside and get back into his exercise program and get his day going. Chef grumped down the stairs and out to the deck, tucked his elbows against his body and limply flapped his hands while bouncing a couple of times. He then came to the window and grumpily asked if he could come inside. I told him he could gladly come inside once his attitude shifted, and reminded him (again!) that he needed to cover his private areas. This was met with two stomping, partial jumping jacks and a grumpier return to the window. I told him if having the window open was going to be too difficult for him to focus on finding his good space, I could easily close it. Chef crossed his arms across his chest and scowled at me. I closed the window and walked away. Chef bumped his head against the screen, scowling into the kitchen. I closed the blind. Shortly thereafter, Chef was engaged in getting his exercise going. I went out to the deck with my guitar and strummed quietly. One of neighbours came by and said she was concerned because she's been seeing Chef leaning far out of his bedroom window. She also wondered why there were little clumps of "white stuff" all over their deck and the yard between our deck and her's. I glanced over at Chef with raised eyebrows. Chef scowled and said "I didn't.." but I interrupted him by putting my hand up and saying, "Stop. You need to go over immediately and clean the neighbours' deck." Chef stomped over to the neighbours'. The neighbour kept repeating, "It's ok, I cleaned most of it up. I just don't want him doing that anymore. And how did he throw it so far?" I told her my guess was that he'd probably mixed it with water to clump it together (interestingly, Chef had told me he couldn't do any chores on the weekend because he didn't know where the baking soda was) and told her that Chef still needed to clean her deck off as part of the message that this was not appropriate for him to do. The neighbour then told Chef that the next time he throws anything onto her deck she would be calling the police. I agreed with her decision. We tried talking with Chef about safety concerns regarding leaning out the window but he was in "scowl and ignore" mode, though he was doing a good job of cleaning up what was left of his mess. I decided it might be a good time to call in a male member of Chef's support network so Chef would have the same message from other supportive individuals other than just his mom (that would be me, the exterior brain that Chef accesses to help him get back to a reasonable space of life when he isn't coping well, aka the target of Chef's anger/frustrations/fear/worry/etc when he makes decisions that don't work for him and/or gets caught in his bad choices) and his female neighbour (who used to be his primary respite provider and now receives disrespect from Chef, though not always). Thankfully, I was able to get a hold of one such individual and he came down and talked with Chef about wanting to take him to hockey games next season, and the importance of dressing appropriately, the importance of safety, the necessity of chores, etc. He also pointed out to Chef that it would be good for him to apologize to the neighbours. Chef replied that he had already apologized but accepted Ed's comment that it would be good to apologize again. I sent Chef back over to finish cleaning up at the neighbours' then we went inside. Chef immediately went to finish his laundry. He then did most of the dishes, lied about cleaning up his messes he'd made on the floor then went back and cleaned them up, then announced that he was cleaning the bathrooms as well. I placed a few calls to other members of Chef's team with regards to the best way(s) to address safety concerns about the window. Presently, Chef still hasn't yet brought a clean sheet/blanket upstairs to his bedroom, but his clothing is clean and dry and hanging in the closet. Chef's had supper, has bathed and is wearing clean nightwear, and is singing in his room - near his door, so I know he isn't leaning out the window.
Tomorrow is Day #2 of Chef's volunteer position at the local arts center. He'll be helping with the little ones at their day camp.
So, we made it. Phew! A bit of grumping, a bit of on-strike, a bit of throwing (there are definitely much-worse things to throw than baking soda!)....but I'm thinking this might have all escalated into full-blown tantrum a year ago. Growth is such a good thing.
Showing posts with label clothing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clothing. Show all posts
Monday, July 11, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service?
June 8, 2011
Chef came home from school in good space yesterday. He usually has a rest time when he gets home and yesterday was no exception - snoring was heard in short order and there were no other sounds from Chef's room for nearly 2 hours. Chef came into the kitchen wearing just a shirt; a long-sleeved, button-up shirt that covered
"everything" well, but just a shirt nonetheless. I raised my eyebrows.
"Really? Is wearing just a shirt appropriate?"
"I can't find my shorts for at home" (because Chef is back down to just one pair of pants, he has a pair of shorts that he changes into when he comes home from school and has been using them as pyjamas as well)
"You can't find them?"
"I left them at school."
"Should they have gone to school?"
"No."
"Tell me what should have happened this morning."
"I should have gotten dressed before the bus came."
"What do you need to do now?"
"Put on my robe."
"Quickly. Then we'll do supper on the deck."
I went into the washroom and when I came out I noticed Chef's robe still on the living room chair but I knew I'd heard the back door. Sure enough, when I glanced out, there was Chef sitting on a chair on the deck, eating. Shirt only.
"Is this appropriate?"
"Um. No. I was hungry."
"I don't want your bare bottom on one of my chairs. Get off the chair immediately and get your robe."
I came inside without closing the door behind me, thinking Chef was following. He wasn't. I glanced back out the window and saw him sitting on the deck, eating.
"What did we just talk about that you need to do?"
"Um. Get my robe?"
"Exactly. Get your robe on. Find your focus or your willingness to do what you need to do, whatever it is you need to find to move on appropriately with your evening, find it now."
Chef stood up and started doing some jumping jacks.
"I don't want to see your penis when I look out the window, and the folks across the way sure don't need a show. Come inside, put on your robe, find your focus."
Thump.Thump.Thump. Chef was now doing jumping jacks with his shirt tucked between his legs.
"Dude! To your room. Immediately."
"I'll look dumb in a robe!"
"To your room."
As Chef walked past the living room chair, he glanced down at his robe and said, "Oh, there it is."
When Chef was called down a few minutes later, he immediately put on his robe.
Chef remained in good space the rest of the evening. At one point, he asked again whether we're going to any music performances this summer, chatted again about how his EA is leaving for Africa, we talked a bit about again at how surprised I was that he hadn't wanted to finish a can of iced tea the other day because it was too sweet for him. When Chef started dishes, I went up to see how things were in his room since the ripped-open lining of the armchair and books had been discovered. The concern was that the neighbour thought that the first item Chef had thrown onto her deck was likely a screw or something along those lines. I'd noticed awhile back that Chef had removed a couple of the nails out of the back of his computer desk. And he'd started more toenail collections. All in all, time to do a safety check.
And there they were - little piles of staples that had been removed from the underside of the armchair. The chair's been in Chef's room for over a month, I think, and the lining was just torn open within the past week. The staples will have been removed within the last two days. I'm still not sure when Chef will have taken the pile of books upstairs, nor how he got them home without any of us noticing. I do know that he's sometimes done such in stages; hidden something outside then stealthily brought it inside at some point and hidden it somewhere else, etc. Sometimes he's even forgotten about items he's hidden. I don't usually watch Chef walk from the bus anymore, and there have been a couple of days here and there when my daughter has been home when Chef has arrived at home, so there are possibilities there for stolen books to make their way into the house. Chef always does "a check" before going up to his room, but not always when he is going upstairs under the guise of cleaning the upstairs bathroom so there's that possibility. Hmmm.
At any rate, it's clearly no longer safe for the chair to be in Chef's room. He brought it downstairs and took it out to the trash, along with the remainder of the nails I'd pulled out from his computer desk.
And with that, we called it an early night and Chef was soon snoring upstairs.
Chef came home from school in good space yesterday. He usually has a rest time when he gets home and yesterday was no exception - snoring was heard in short order and there were no other sounds from Chef's room for nearly 2 hours. Chef came into the kitchen wearing just a shirt; a long-sleeved, button-up shirt that covered
"everything" well, but just a shirt nonetheless. I raised my eyebrows.
"Really? Is wearing just a shirt appropriate?"
"I can't find my shorts for at home" (because Chef is back down to just one pair of pants, he has a pair of shorts that he changes into when he comes home from school and has been using them as pyjamas as well)
"You can't find them?"
"I left them at school."
"Should they have gone to school?"
"No."
"Tell me what should have happened this morning."
"I should have gotten dressed before the bus came."
"What do you need to do now?"
"Put on my robe."
"Quickly. Then we'll do supper on the deck."
I went into the washroom and when I came out I noticed Chef's robe still on the living room chair but I knew I'd heard the back door. Sure enough, when I glanced out, there was Chef sitting on a chair on the deck, eating. Shirt only.
"Is this appropriate?"
"Um. No. I was hungry."
"I don't want your bare bottom on one of my chairs. Get off the chair immediately and get your robe."
I came inside without closing the door behind me, thinking Chef was following. He wasn't. I glanced back out the window and saw him sitting on the deck, eating.
"What did we just talk about that you need to do?"
"Um. Get my robe?"
"Exactly. Get your robe on. Find your focus or your willingness to do what you need to do, whatever it is you need to find to move on appropriately with your evening, find it now."
Chef stood up and started doing some jumping jacks.
"I don't want to see your penis when I look out the window, and the folks across the way sure don't need a show. Come inside, put on your robe, find your focus."
Thump.Thump.Thump. Chef was now doing jumping jacks with his shirt tucked between his legs.
"Dude! To your room. Immediately."
"I'll look dumb in a robe!"
"To your room."
As Chef walked past the living room chair, he glanced down at his robe and said, "Oh, there it is."
When Chef was called down a few minutes later, he immediately put on his robe.
Chef remained in good space the rest of the evening. At one point, he asked again whether we're going to any music performances this summer, chatted again about how his EA is leaving for Africa, we talked a bit about again at how surprised I was that he hadn't wanted to finish a can of iced tea the other day because it was too sweet for him. When Chef started dishes, I went up to see how things were in his room since the ripped-open lining of the armchair and books had been discovered. The concern was that the neighbour thought that the first item Chef had thrown onto her deck was likely a screw or something along those lines. I'd noticed awhile back that Chef had removed a couple of the nails out of the back of his computer desk. And he'd started more toenail collections. All in all, time to do a safety check.
And there they were - little piles of staples that had been removed from the underside of the armchair. The chair's been in Chef's room for over a month, I think, and the lining was just torn open within the past week. The staples will have been removed within the last two days. I'm still not sure when Chef will have taken the pile of books upstairs, nor how he got them home without any of us noticing. I do know that he's sometimes done such in stages; hidden something outside then stealthily brought it inside at some point and hidden it somewhere else, etc. Sometimes he's even forgotten about items he's hidden. I don't usually watch Chef walk from the bus anymore, and there have been a couple of days here and there when my daughter has been home when Chef has arrived at home, so there are possibilities there for stolen books to make their way into the house. Chef always does "a check" before going up to his room, but not always when he is going upstairs under the guise of cleaning the upstairs bathroom so there's that possibility. Hmmm.
At any rate, it's clearly no longer safe for the chair to be in Chef's room. He brought it downstairs and took it out to the trash, along with the remainder of the nails I'd pulled out from his computer desk.
And with that, we called it an early night and Chef was soon snoring upstairs.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Today is Monday.
Many of my friends dread Monday. Perhaps "dread" is too strong a word. Many of my friends don't look forward to the shift back to the workplace schedule and ongoing expectations.
For me, Monday is usually a day to breathe. Relax. Take in the peace and quiet.
As some of you know, Chef believes that he should not have to do chores or anything that he believes to be related to chores. This includes activities such as doing dishes, bathing, picking up items he drops on the floor in various rooms throughout the house, cleaning up urine in his room, cleaning up messes he makes throughout the house, dressing, etc., and sometimes even goes so far as including tossing food into his lunch container even if there are various food items out on the table in addition to the food in the fridge/cupboards, or making himself a sandwich.
It is a very, very rare occasion for Chef to do one of the above without prompting. It is equally as rare for Chef to do any of the above without numerous attempts at getting out of doing any of the above. Some of the challenges with which Chef lives do make such activities difficult for him to varying degrees - but the fact remains, he is capable of doing them, he gladly does similar activities if he deems them to be in the "fun" category (cooking, video games, running to get candy, making water balloons, making a bottle for his niece/playing with and picking up after his niece, etc. Chef seems to have the energy/ability for what he enjoys, and little to none for what he doesn't enjoy.
It used to be that Chef would come up with numerous attempts at avoiding even the start of any of the above - but for the most part that has changed. It is now more common for him to seem to be starting one of the above and then attempt to do whatever he thinks might get him out of continuing/completing the task at hand.
For example, Chef started this past Saturday with a tantrum because he didn't want to do the dishes. In all fairness, there were a lot of dirty dishes (so many, in fact, that by Saturday afternoon I'd told Chef I wouldn't be cooking due to the lack of clean dishes and that meals would be cold food until the dishes were done) but when Chef had chosen not to do the dishes before the weekend, he rediscovered that the dishes did not go anywhere nor did anyone else do his chore for him.
When Chef rediscovered that tantrums don't work, he hid the teatowels. When that didn't work (and he had pretty much worn himself out from having to turn to his exercise program to deal with his extra energy he had for whining, attitude, etc), he began washing the dishes. Slowly. And not actually washing/drying them. It took over an hour before he'd actually washed/dried two items. When he rediscovered that wasn't going to do much other than cause more problems in his day, he started washing the dishes. After 10 minutes of reasonable effort on his part, I knew Chef and I both needed a rest and I told him that he could take a break because he was now showing good attitude towards his work. I'd hoped that, even though there might be a few steps back after having a rest, the message that the antics involved in chore-avoidance weren't worthwhile would stick. Chef was reminded to have a bite to eat before having a rest since he'd only eaten two kiwis for breakfast and had whined when I reminded him he needed more to eat.
After having a rest, we went out for a walk for about half an hour. On the way home, I bought myself a small takeout for lunch and told Chef that I sure wasn't about to buy him lunch after the way he'd behaved and that he would need to make his lunch when we got home. Chef again chose to eat a bunch of fruit. This isn't new. Chef has gone through periods in the past when his focus is primarily on fruit, though it was interesting to see him focus on it on the weekend after he'd said it was too much work to put into his school lunches even though it's sitting in baskets on the table. As an aside, mayonnaise is a big focus for Chef right now - mostly while doing dishes or using the washroom. We went through two jars last month. He hasn't been going for the spices recently, and my daughter has kept a bottle of vanilla in the cupboard the last couple of weeks without incident.
Back to the dishes - to make a VERY long story short, it was late Sunday evening before Chef actually started putting in a reasonable effort at getting them done. I sure got a lot of music practice in this weekend :-) There was no participation in making lunches (and I don't make Chef's lunches for him if he hasn't participated in taking care of his responsibilities), no bath, and Chef hadn't eaten more than some fruit earlier in the day, (even with reminders that of what was available in the refrigerator and even though I'd put out meat and wraps by the fruit so he could make wraps for himself) stating that he was going to wait until I cooked supper. I reminded him that I still wouldn't be cooking due to the amount of dirty dishes and unavailable prep space. He made a face. I then reminded him that cooking would also create more dirty dishes. Chef relaxed his face and said "K" but still didn't eat. When I later told Chef it was bedtime, he put his head to the side, made a scowling face and a scoffing sound, and said "Well, can I at least have a piece of fruit?" I reminded him that he was supposed to eat earlier and had had opportunity to do so. "Well, I'm hungry NOW." I told him he could go out and have a seat on the deck. I brought him out a bowl of baby spinach. He stated he wasn't hungry and that he didn't like spinach. I reminded him that he's eaten spinach many times and has even chosen to make spinach salads and that his body could use the nutrients. "It's gross." I picked some up, put it in my mouth, chewed it, swallowed it, said "eat", and walked back into the house. Chef tossed the spinach over the deck and sat on the chair grumping and saying he was hungry. I came out, put more spinach into his bowl, and asked if he needed me to feed him. Chef scowled and ate. When he came inside, he thanked me and apologized for his behaviour on the weekend. We talked a little bit about choices and consequences and the importance of eating and the importance of talking/behaving appropriately and about time and donating weekends to trying to get out of a chore rather than taking care of responsibilities then enjoying the weekend. We talked about dignity and responsibility. We talked about switching chores to the mornings since he doesn't want to do them in the evenings and on weekends, and told him he could try that and see how that goes. This morning, I woke Chef twice but both times he went back to his room. When I woke him the third time, I reminded him that he needed to get up earlier today but was now later than usual. He said he had gone back to bed because the alarm hadn't gone off. I went and turned on the alarm, he was up a couple minutes later and working on getting the kitchen cleaned up. This morning, his job was to wipe the stove and get the cupboard under the sink back in shape from previous choices Chef had made regarding the garbage pail. He seemed to be in good spirits, until I reminded him that he didn't have much extra time this morning because he kept going back to bed. He grumpily wiped the stove then brought in the garbage pail (he'd taken the pail out to empty it then put it under a chair on the deck the other day when I told him it couldn't come back inside smelling like that after he'd decided not to put a bag inside, and there wasn't time for him to wash it at the time because we were on our way somewhere), put it under the sink, and closed the door. He was reminded it needed to be rinsed and a bag needed to be inside. He very slowly (and grumpily) opened the door and very slowly removed the pail and very slowly walked to the bathroom with it. Everything was in slow motion for the next while - until the bus arrived! Chef quickly ran down the hallway, grabbed his clothes, and ran out the door to the waiting bus.
Clothing: We've turned the tables. If Chef leaves an item on the floor, it goes to the thrift shop. Of course, I'm the only one who seems effected by that at this point but I'm hoping that maybe that will help motivate Chef to start taking care of his belonging and his home. It didn't "work" in the past, but trying again! At one point, I decided to see how long he would actually leave something on the floor and have to step over it/walk around it, etc. I didn't say anything about two items - one was a pair of his pants on the floor in the front hallway where he had to walk over/around them to go out the door, going up/down the stairs, and to get to closet where his clothes are. Another item was one of his hats which sat on the kitchen floor. A week later, both items were still there. If I prompt Chef to pick up an item, he will pick it up then he will usually stash it somewhere rather than putting it away "because it's easier than putting it away." In order for Chef to pick something up and put it away (clothing, paper that he drops, cleaning up a mess he's made, etc., well basically anything that requires effort) I usually need to provide a verbal prompt and then see the task through with a frustrated Chef.
Today is Monday. Relax. Revitalize.
Many of my friends dread Monday. Perhaps "dread" is too strong a word. Many of my friends don't look forward to the shift back to the workplace schedule and ongoing expectations.
For me, Monday is usually a day to breathe. Relax. Take in the peace and quiet.
As some of you know, Chef believes that he should not have to do chores or anything that he believes to be related to chores. This includes activities such as doing dishes, bathing, picking up items he drops on the floor in various rooms throughout the house, cleaning up urine in his room, cleaning up messes he makes throughout the house, dressing, etc., and sometimes even goes so far as including tossing food into his lunch container even if there are various food items out on the table in addition to the food in the fridge/cupboards, or making himself a sandwich.
It is a very, very rare occasion for Chef to do one of the above without prompting. It is equally as rare for Chef to do any of the above without numerous attempts at getting out of doing any of the above. Some of the challenges with which Chef lives do make such activities difficult for him to varying degrees - but the fact remains, he is capable of doing them, he gladly does similar activities if he deems them to be in the "fun" category (cooking, video games, running to get candy, making water balloons, making a bottle for his niece/playing with and picking up after his niece, etc. Chef seems to have the energy/ability for what he enjoys, and little to none for what he doesn't enjoy.
It used to be that Chef would come up with numerous attempts at avoiding even the start of any of the above - but for the most part that has changed. It is now more common for him to seem to be starting one of the above and then attempt to do whatever he thinks might get him out of continuing/completing the task at hand.
For example, Chef started this past Saturday with a tantrum because he didn't want to do the dishes. In all fairness, there were a lot of dirty dishes (so many, in fact, that by Saturday afternoon I'd told Chef I wouldn't be cooking due to the lack of clean dishes and that meals would be cold food until the dishes were done) but when Chef had chosen not to do the dishes before the weekend, he rediscovered that the dishes did not go anywhere nor did anyone else do his chore for him.
When Chef rediscovered that tantrums don't work, he hid the teatowels. When that didn't work (and he had pretty much worn himself out from having to turn to his exercise program to deal with his extra energy he had for whining, attitude, etc), he began washing the dishes. Slowly. And not actually washing/drying them. It took over an hour before he'd actually washed/dried two items. When he rediscovered that wasn't going to do much other than cause more problems in his day, he started washing the dishes. After 10 minutes of reasonable effort on his part, I knew Chef and I both needed a rest and I told him that he could take a break because he was now showing good attitude towards his work. I'd hoped that, even though there might be a few steps back after having a rest, the message that the antics involved in chore-avoidance weren't worthwhile would stick. Chef was reminded to have a bite to eat before having a rest since he'd only eaten two kiwis for breakfast and had whined when I reminded him he needed more to eat.
After having a rest, we went out for a walk for about half an hour. On the way home, I bought myself a small takeout for lunch and told Chef that I sure wasn't about to buy him lunch after the way he'd behaved and that he would need to make his lunch when we got home. Chef again chose to eat a bunch of fruit. This isn't new. Chef has gone through periods in the past when his focus is primarily on fruit, though it was interesting to see him focus on it on the weekend after he'd said it was too much work to put into his school lunches even though it's sitting in baskets on the table. As an aside, mayonnaise is a big focus for Chef right now - mostly while doing dishes or using the washroom. We went through two jars last month. He hasn't been going for the spices recently, and my daughter has kept a bottle of vanilla in the cupboard the last couple of weeks without incident.
Back to the dishes - to make a VERY long story short, it was late Sunday evening before Chef actually started putting in a reasonable effort at getting them done. I sure got a lot of music practice in this weekend :-) There was no participation in making lunches (and I don't make Chef's lunches for him if he hasn't participated in taking care of his responsibilities), no bath, and Chef hadn't eaten more than some fruit earlier in the day, (even with reminders that of what was available in the refrigerator and even though I'd put out meat and wraps by the fruit so he could make wraps for himself) stating that he was going to wait until I cooked supper. I reminded him that I still wouldn't be cooking due to the amount of dirty dishes and unavailable prep space. He made a face. I then reminded him that cooking would also create more dirty dishes. Chef relaxed his face and said "K" but still didn't eat. When I later told Chef it was bedtime, he put his head to the side, made a scowling face and a scoffing sound, and said "Well, can I at least have a piece of fruit?" I reminded him that he was supposed to eat earlier and had had opportunity to do so. "Well, I'm hungry NOW." I told him he could go out and have a seat on the deck. I brought him out a bowl of baby spinach. He stated he wasn't hungry and that he didn't like spinach. I reminded him that he's eaten spinach many times and has even chosen to make spinach salads and that his body could use the nutrients. "It's gross." I picked some up, put it in my mouth, chewed it, swallowed it, said "eat", and walked back into the house. Chef tossed the spinach over the deck and sat on the chair grumping and saying he was hungry. I came out, put more spinach into his bowl, and asked if he needed me to feed him. Chef scowled and ate. When he came inside, he thanked me and apologized for his behaviour on the weekend. We talked a little bit about choices and consequences and the importance of eating and the importance of talking/behaving appropriately and about time and donating weekends to trying to get out of a chore rather than taking care of responsibilities then enjoying the weekend. We talked about dignity and responsibility. We talked about switching chores to the mornings since he doesn't want to do them in the evenings and on weekends, and told him he could try that and see how that goes. This morning, I woke Chef twice but both times he went back to his room. When I woke him the third time, I reminded him that he needed to get up earlier today but was now later than usual. He said he had gone back to bed because the alarm hadn't gone off. I went and turned on the alarm, he was up a couple minutes later and working on getting the kitchen cleaned up. This morning, his job was to wipe the stove and get the cupboard under the sink back in shape from previous choices Chef had made regarding the garbage pail. He seemed to be in good spirits, until I reminded him that he didn't have much extra time this morning because he kept going back to bed. He grumpily wiped the stove then brought in the garbage pail (he'd taken the pail out to empty it then put it under a chair on the deck the other day when I told him it couldn't come back inside smelling like that after he'd decided not to put a bag inside, and there wasn't time for him to wash it at the time because we were on our way somewhere), put it under the sink, and closed the door. He was reminded it needed to be rinsed and a bag needed to be inside. He very slowly (and grumpily) opened the door and very slowly removed the pail and very slowly walked to the bathroom with it. Everything was in slow motion for the next while - until the bus arrived! Chef quickly ran down the hallway, grabbed his clothes, and ran out the door to the waiting bus.
Clothing: We've turned the tables. If Chef leaves an item on the floor, it goes to the thrift shop. Of course, I'm the only one who seems effected by that at this point but I'm hoping that maybe that will help motivate Chef to start taking care of his belonging and his home. It didn't "work" in the past, but trying again! At one point, I decided to see how long he would actually leave something on the floor and have to step over it/walk around it, etc. I didn't say anything about two items - one was a pair of his pants on the floor in the front hallway where he had to walk over/around them to go out the door, going up/down the stairs, and to get to closet where his clothes are. Another item was one of his hats which sat on the kitchen floor. A week later, both items were still there. If I prompt Chef to pick up an item, he will pick it up then he will usually stash it somewhere rather than putting it away "because it's easier than putting it away." In order for Chef to pick something up and put it away (clothing, paper that he drops, cleaning up a mess he's made, etc., well basically anything that requires effort) I usually need to provide a verbal prompt and then see the task through with a frustrated Chef.
Today is Monday. Relax. Revitalize.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Prompt-Free Dressing Day!
Today Chef got dressed.
When Chef came downstairs this morning, he was wearing a full outfit and a pair of socks. When reminded that he needed to be wearing a clean pair of socks, he quickly removed the ones he'd worn yesterday and put on a clean pair. The sock-reminder was the only verbal prompt.
Also - Chef verbally took responsibility many times throughout today for choices he'd made. Taking responsibility (and other self-esteem bits) has been a very long journey. It's so very good to see Chef coming along in some of these areas.
And chores? Well, no, not today. But as they say, two outta three ain't bad!
The Attachment/Autism/ ADHD/ BrainDamage Combo
I woke Chef at 7:30 this morning so I could check his feet again. Thankfully they seem fine. He has had a bit of frostbite on one of his toes recently, but didn't tell me about it til a few days after he'd realized he had it. We talked again of the importance of wearing socks in the winter. And given the rate at which Chef's clothing disappears and the responses from him about putting on socks in the morning ("Socks first, then boots." "I don't have any socks." "Where are the 7 pairs you just got on the weekend?" "I don't know. I can't find them." "There were at least 4 pairs in your hamper." "After I did my laundry they were gone." Etc., etc), I think a sock basket by the door would be a good idea. A couple of winters ago, Chef had disappeared from school. When he reappeared, we learned that he'd gone off to play on some snowbanks he'd heard about on his schoolbus. He ended up with frostbite on his leg that day because he'd had snow in his boot and didn't remove it.
This is one of the pieces where I still wonder if Chef needs a different type of support around hygiene/dressing than what we've presently discussed as a team. Is it possible that Chef might actually require hands-on supports in areas such as hygiene and dressing? This week, we're sure going to be working once again(still!) on training Chef to use his book of lists/reminders.
Presently, Chef's home program revolves around training/re-training his brain through positive experiences, positive activities, prompts as needed, "is that working for you?" "how well did that work?" "what would have worked better?" conversations, and allowing Chef to live with the natural consequences of his choices over and over and over and over (except in cases where a change needs to be put in place otherwise due to the possibility of choices leading to dangerous results such as frostbite!)
Physically, Chef is definitely capable of washing and dressing himself. But there seems to be such a strong disconnect when it comes to doing "daily routine" things that require effort - or, maybe it's "chores, and whatever falls under the category of taking care of self and belongings." That said, Chef no longer attempts to power struggle over participating in a daily exercise routine (though he is starting to complain about it now as of today because it is needing to be changed) nor over things like being asked to carry or bring in groceries. Chef never argues or "gives attitude" over any request of him whatsoever unless it's something that is regularly required of him (hygiene, daily change of clothes, chores, etc.) or if someone his age is around and he is trying to act cool around them. Back to washing/dressing - it continues to be an ongoing struggle for Chef at 15 years of age.
When Chef was younger, I used pictures/charts/stickers/rewards/incentives/etc., and often I would end up having to dress him when he wouldn't get dressed. Sometimes he would then remove the clothing. We tried all sorts of different fabrics/elastic waistbands/etc. At that time, he was saying that he didn't want to get dressed because he just wanted to stay home - from everywhere (some of you know about the "firehose the clothing" plan as well!). Sometimes he said he just wanted to wear pajamas. Sometimes he said he didn't want to get dressed because he didn't want people to come over to our house. When he was around 8'ish, I stopped dressing him when needed, and started completely letting him live with the consequences of not getting washed/dressed to go somewhere because we (everyone on his team at the time) agreed that he was capable of dressing himself. Flash-forward to today: it is only recently that Chef has expressed any sense of desire/acknowledgement that he does not want to be outside of his home dressed inappropriately (still working on the "inside of his home" part!), but that still isn't strong enough to motivate him. And from the time clothing is taken from the hamper to the laundry room and back to the main floor for a check before going upstairs, it still continues to "disappear" so this week I'm working on another clothing system.
I remember taking Chef to school one day and putting his boots back on his feet numerous times only to have him continually remove them. He said it was because he didn't want to go to school, yet when he removed them again he just walked into the school building not wearing them. His foster mom used to say that he wouldn't keep his shoes on, though he loved tromping about in adults' shoes. He used to fill his boots with stones. He usually goes through numerous pairs of footwear a year. (This year, he's only on his second pair of boots and second winter jacket so far!) He was recently complaining that his shin was bothering him. I reminded him again that he needed to change his exercise program to include different activities. When I asked him what he'd done with his shoes at school, he said he didn't know. When I asked what he's been wearing at school this whole time, he said he's been wearing his boots. I told him my legs would sure hurt too if I wore snow boots all day long. So now I'll be picking up some supportive insoles for his boots/school shoes (though I'm pretty sure those will disappear or be damaged in short order), and his exercise program is being changed this week to include different activities. The "change" part isn't going so well. It took a few years for Chef to embrace the idea of exercise and, after much journeying/adventure, he was presently at a point where he would get up and do exercises on his own in the morning! Now the exercises need to change.
For years, Chef has been taught basic lifeskills using a variety of techniques/reminders/prompts/etc/etc., etc. It often takes Chef a long time to learn/embrace something, but when he does, it usually clicks. He's learned how to read. He now does quite well in math. He will participate in physical activity at times now, and does some form of exercise every day (which I thought was coming from his own "feel good" or something along those lines, but I've been told from others that he only does it at home and only because "his mom makes him do it" - but he does it on his own every morning without prompts, nonetheless). His verbal skills have come a very long way, and his social skills are continuing to come along nicely. All of these are areas where he greatly struggled when he was younger and are areas in which much work and support was required for Chef to see positive results.
So let's see. A hanging clothing storage unit with five shelves in the downstairs closet. Forget the hamper for now. Each shelf will hold a complete outfit. At the end of each day, instead of the clothing going into the hamper, it goes back onto its shelf so I can easily see whether anything is missing. On laundry day, each complete outfit is checked before going to the laundry room, then reorganized back on the shelves afterwards. Sock basket by the door. Daily foot checks. Over-the-top verbal prompting on using his books of lists til Chef tires of hearing it and is willing to pick up his book.
This is one of the pieces where I still wonder if Chef needs a different type of support around hygiene/dressing than what we've presently discussed as a team. Is it possible that Chef might actually require hands-on supports in areas such as hygiene and dressing? This week, we're sure going to be working once again(still!) on training Chef to use his book of lists/reminders.
Presently, Chef's home program revolves around training/re-training his brain through positive experiences, positive activities, prompts as needed, "is that working for you?" "how well did that work?" "what would have worked better?" conversations, and allowing Chef to live with the natural consequences of his choices over and over and over and over (except in cases where a change needs to be put in place otherwise due to the possibility of choices leading to dangerous results such as frostbite!)
Physically, Chef is definitely capable of washing and dressing himself. But there seems to be such a strong disconnect when it comes to doing "daily routine" things that require effort - or, maybe it's "chores, and whatever falls under the category of taking care of self and belongings." That said, Chef no longer attempts to power struggle over participating in a daily exercise routine (though he is starting to complain about it now as of today because it is needing to be changed) nor over things like being asked to carry or bring in groceries. Chef never argues or "gives attitude" over any request of him whatsoever unless it's something that is regularly required of him (hygiene, daily change of clothes, chores, etc.) or if someone his age is around and he is trying to act cool around them. Back to washing/dressing - it continues to be an ongoing struggle for Chef at 15 years of age.
When Chef was younger, I used pictures/charts/stickers/rewards/incentives/etc., and often I would end up having to dress him when he wouldn't get dressed. Sometimes he would then remove the clothing. We tried all sorts of different fabrics/elastic waistbands/etc. At that time, he was saying that he didn't want to get dressed because he just wanted to stay home - from everywhere (some of you know about the "firehose the clothing" plan as well!). Sometimes he said he just wanted to wear pajamas. Sometimes he said he didn't want to get dressed because he didn't want people to come over to our house. When he was around 8'ish, I stopped dressing him when needed, and started completely letting him live with the consequences of not getting washed/dressed to go somewhere because we (everyone on his team at the time) agreed that he was capable of dressing himself. Flash-forward to today: it is only recently that Chef has expressed any sense of desire/acknowledgement that he does not want to be outside of his home dressed inappropriately (still working on the "inside of his home" part!), but that still isn't strong enough to motivate him. And from the time clothing is taken from the hamper to the laundry room and back to the main floor for a check before going upstairs, it still continues to "disappear" so this week I'm working on another clothing system.
I remember taking Chef to school one day and putting his boots back on his feet numerous times only to have him continually remove them. He said it was because he didn't want to go to school, yet when he removed them again he just walked into the school building not wearing them. His foster mom used to say that he wouldn't keep his shoes on, though he loved tromping about in adults' shoes. He used to fill his boots with stones. He usually goes through numerous pairs of footwear a year. (This year, he's only on his second pair of boots and second winter jacket so far!) He was recently complaining that his shin was bothering him. I reminded him again that he needed to change his exercise program to include different activities. When I asked him what he'd done with his shoes at school, he said he didn't know. When I asked what he's been wearing at school this whole time, he said he's been wearing his boots. I told him my legs would sure hurt too if I wore snow boots all day long. So now I'll be picking up some supportive insoles for his boots/school shoes (though I'm pretty sure those will disappear or be damaged in short order), and his exercise program is being changed this week to include different activities. The "change" part isn't going so well. It took a few years for Chef to embrace the idea of exercise and, after much journeying/adventure, he was presently at a point where he would get up and do exercises on his own in the morning! Now the exercises need to change.
For years, Chef has been taught basic lifeskills using a variety of techniques/reminders/prompts/etc/etc., etc. It often takes Chef a long time to learn/embrace something, but when he does, it usually clicks. He's learned how to read. He now does quite well in math. He will participate in physical activity at times now, and does some form of exercise every day (which I thought was coming from his own "feel good" or something along those lines, but I've been told from others that he only does it at home and only because "his mom makes him do it" - but he does it on his own every morning without prompts, nonetheless). His verbal skills have come a very long way, and his social skills are continuing to come along nicely. All of these are areas where he greatly struggled when he was younger and are areas in which much work and support was required for Chef to see positive results.
So let's see. A hanging clothing storage unit with five shelves in the downstairs closet. Forget the hamper for now. Each shelf will hold a complete outfit. At the end of each day, instead of the clothing going into the hamper, it goes back onto its shelf so I can easily see whether anything is missing. On laundry day, each complete outfit is checked before going to the laundry room, then reorganized back on the shelves afterwards. Sock basket by the door. Daily foot checks. Over-the-top verbal prompting on using his books of lists til Chef tires of hearing it and is willing to pick up his book.
Holidays. Week One.
One week ago today marked the last day of school before Christmas holidays. The time since then has not been a party.
On a positive note, there have been NO TANTRUMS! For this, I am truly thankful.
Otherwise, Chef has spent the past week not getting washed, not getting dressed (and I don't mean in the "pyjama days" sense!), and doing whatever he can to not do chores. He's been averaging a total of about 5-6 hours a day not doing dishes. This is not new, nor is it reserved for the holiday season.
Yesterday was the first day Chef put on an outfit. He'd been reminded the day before that extended family would be coming out for the afternoon. In the morning, he was reminded again and informed that we'd be going over to his sister's place instead of having everyone at our place. At the one-hour-til-departure mark, he was reminded that he had one hour before the cab arrived, and that he needed to have a bath and get dressed. At the 45 minute mark, he was asked if he was ready yet and reminded that he needed to get dressed - reminded again at the half-hour mark and 25 minute mark. At the 20 minute mark, he asked what time the cab would arrive. I told him I hadn't called yet but that we were aiming for 1:00 and he needed to get clean and dressed. He was reminded again at the 15 minute mark that he needed to have a bath and get dressed, and that people sure would not want to see him in a cab or at his sister's place "dressed" the way he was.
At about 10 minutes to one (when I called for a cab, they said the car would be here at 1:05), I used a very firm voice and told Chef to get ready immediately. Now! Now! Now! Chef jogged up the stairs and went to get dressed. I reminded him that he needed to wash the body odour off of himself before putting on his clothes. He poured a shallow bath and splashed some water around. I've heard the non-bath sounds before so I knocked and went in to support him. With the reminder that he needed to quickly bathe, Chef started slowly rubbing the soap up and down one leg. He was reminded that he could bathe himself or have help from me. He started rubbing soap onto his arm. I asked him where his list was for having baths, and reminded him that he needed to start at the top of his head and work down his body, leaving his private areas til last. I'm pretty sure this process would have gone on for quite some time except my oldest daughter suddenly called out that the cab had arrived. Chef started hearing me perform a chorus of "To the Cab, Now!" It's a fairly simple chorus - the same line just repeats pretty much all the way through.
Chef went out the front door, jacket in hand. I went to the back door and started carrying items out that needed to be loaded into the cab. My daughter was loading her baby's carseat into the backseat. Chef was nowhere to be seen.
I ran back into the house, looked through the peephole of the front door, and saw Chef standing on the front step fiddling with his tie. I opened the door, turned him around to face the yard, straightened my arms and released him in the right direction accompanied by another chorus of "To the Cab, Now!" Chef started running across the yard then suddenly called out, "Ow! It hurts my feet!" Then I clued in. He wasn't wearing his boots! They were sitting on the step so I grabbed them and tossed them in the direction Chef was running, told him to get them on and get to the cab immediately, shut the door and locked it, then ran back to the back door to continue getting stuff from the house to the cab. Still no Chef. My daughter and I got everything together, and as I was picking up the last items I needed to carry, Chef showed up by the deck. No boots on his feet. Dude, not cool. Get your boots on! Now!
We spent the rest of the day with family.
Friday, December 10, 2010
December 10, 2010 evening
After school today, Chef and I immediately went out to do some errands. Chef waited for me on the deck and did some exercises while he waited, then we headed over to the thrift shop so he could pick up some rags and some new boots. We bought his most recent pair last month and he has worn them for two or three weeks; the backs are ripped open and, because Chef is in his "no hygiene mode" and not usually wearing socks, they're smelling ripe enough to be noticed by school staff. A couple of years back, a local store was closing down and were selling hiking boots for $3/pair. I bought nine pairs and, if I remember correctly, Chef went through seven of them that year.
While we were walking around town, Chef and I chatted about school and Christmas preparations. Chef has been able to take a digital publishing course that is for students one grade higher than he is, and that is his shining star this term. He was thrilled that he could take the course, and has been thrilled with the actual course itself. Chef has been saving all his digital publishing creations in his room; no small feat for a young man who is drawn to make a piece of paper into tiny bits of paper. He has them all laid out nicely on his dresser. This is the very first time in his life, at least to my memory, that he has ever taken care of something this long without getting rid of it or taking it apart. I have never seen Chef take such pride in anything else that he's created.
We haven't eaten out for a very long, so I decided we'd stop in at a local cafe where two can dine on well-prepared, homemade food for less than $12. Chef was immediately reading all papers he could get his hands on, and was soon describing to me a number of health-food catalogue items along with their prices. Interspersed with this information was a description of the level Chef has achieved in a fantastic computer game he plays at school which simulates life goals such as career, finances, relationships, etc., and how to achieve them. Chef is playing brilliantly, and shared with me how he knows it's good to have a credit rating but not good to use credit cards, the importance of paying his bills and saving for what he wants, etc. Chef feels very successful in his virtual life. He has four diplomas and is now working on his virtual BA which he has already paid off. He is considering a virtual future in IT. When I told him that is probably a good consideration for him after high school as well, he said he didn't know what IT was. I asked what it was in the game he plays. "I don't know. I just know that they make pretty good money."
Chef and I talked about what food we'd like to make for Christmas day and throughout the holidays. Chef was very very focussed on bananas and had some difficulty moving from that topic, but we came up with a good list of possibilities.
When we came home, Chef immediately and quickly did the dishes and finished his laundry without any prompting whatsoever! He still has the floor to sweep tomorrow, then we'll be back at the thrift shop so Chef can pick up some clothes and socks to replace the ones that have recently disappeared, then we're off to the local art center for an afternoon of painting. I'm hoping tomorrow is a tantrum-free day.
While we were walking around town, Chef and I chatted about school and Christmas preparations. Chef has been able to take a digital publishing course that is for students one grade higher than he is, and that is his shining star this term. He was thrilled that he could take the course, and has been thrilled with the actual course itself. Chef has been saving all his digital publishing creations in his room; no small feat for a young man who is drawn to make a piece of paper into tiny bits of paper. He has them all laid out nicely on his dresser. This is the very first time in his life, at least to my memory, that he has ever taken care of something this long without getting rid of it or taking it apart. I have never seen Chef take such pride in anything else that he's created.
We haven't eaten out for a very long, so I decided we'd stop in at a local cafe where two can dine on well-prepared, homemade food for less than $12. Chef was immediately reading all papers he could get his hands on, and was soon describing to me a number of health-food catalogue items along with their prices. Interspersed with this information was a description of the level Chef has achieved in a fantastic computer game he plays at school which simulates life goals such as career, finances, relationships, etc., and how to achieve them. Chef is playing brilliantly, and shared with me how he knows it's good to have a credit rating but not good to use credit cards, the importance of paying his bills and saving for what he wants, etc. Chef feels very successful in his virtual life. He has four diplomas and is now working on his virtual BA which he has already paid off. He is considering a virtual future in IT. When I told him that is probably a good consideration for him after high school as well, he said he didn't know what IT was. I asked what it was in the game he plays. "I don't know. I just know that they make pretty good money."
Chef and I talked about what food we'd like to make for Christmas day and throughout the holidays. Chef was very very focussed on bananas and had some difficulty moving from that topic, but we came up with a good list of possibilities.
When we came home, Chef immediately and quickly did the dishes and finished his laundry without any prompting whatsoever! He still has the floor to sweep tomorrow, then we'll be back at the thrift shop so Chef can pick up some clothes and socks to replace the ones that have recently disappeared, then we're off to the local art center for an afternoon of painting. I'm hoping tomorrow is a tantrum-free day.
December 10, 2010
We have had a fairly peaceful week at home. Chores and "attitude" are being addressed even more firmly than before - and it's "working." The degree to which Chef must miss out on things/events/comfort, etc., before it matters to him enough to make a difference is pretty incredible.
Chef is presently missing out on his free time in the evenings because free time comes after chores and responsibilities have been taken care of. Chef has chosen not to put his laundry in for the past couple of weeks, and most of his clothes have once again "disappeared." The clothing piece truly is a mystery at this point, since Chef almost always has someone in the same room with him here at home now. The best I can figure is that he is still slipping things into nooks and crannies in the storage room where the washer and dryer also live and where he often is by himself with myself or Chef's sister in the next room. Another possibility is that he is once again sneaking them into the garbage bag right before taking the garbage out. On Monday, he had at least five pairs of socks in his room. Last night he informed me that he has none left and doesn't know where they are. I reminded him that I've been reminding him to put them into the hamper and that he's been taking them there. "Yes, but they aren't in there now and I don't know where they are."
Chef has $12 in allowance from the past few weeks. ($2.minimum per week, $8. maximum if he takes care of his chores/responsibilities, with numerous opportunities to earn money through other ways at home). In order to receive his allowance on Saturday, he has to have completed his chores and needs to have not tantrummed or "given attitude" on Friday and Saturday. Hopefully this weekend will see us over at the thrift shop so Chef can buy a bag of rags (to replace the ones he's gotten rid of in his ongoing attempt to not have to do any chores) and more socks and other clothing items to replace the ones that have recently "disappeared." Compared to previous years, he has come such a long way in learning/understanding/accepting the natural consequences of his choices, learning how to be a contributing member of his family/community/society as a whole, etc - if only the hygiene and willingness to do chores would come along as well! Tantrumming continues to be a work in progress. It is clear that Chef is not "out of control" during his tantrums. It seems as though Chef specifically chooses to use tantrums.
Some of the other bigger pieces in past years have been going to school/wanting to just be at home and not do anything, stealing, lying, and hoarding.
What's Made A Difference?
Willingness to Go to School:
-Supportive school staff
-Computer Use at school
-"Not At All Fun" theme at home on days Chef doesn't attend school when expected
Stealing:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef at home,at school,in the community
(if Chef is on his own and there is something he sees that he wants, it's his)
-Chef does a "self-check" as soon as he walks in the door from school
-I often (not always) watch Chef get off the bus and walk to the house to ensure
he is no longer stashing stolen goods in the yard before coming inside
-A lock on my bedroom door, money kept put away
-Stolen items removed immediately upon discovery, expected resitution
Hoarding:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef
-Chef also does "a self-check" before going upstairs at night, as well as one
when he returns to the main floor if he has been in the basement
-Regular room checks and careful kudos to Chef (because sometimes compliments go
the wrong way in Chef's mind) for any small successes
-Immediate removal and expected restitution for items
Lying:
-When Chef is caught in a lie, he is reminded that we are all a team and that
a team works together. He is expected to return to the person to whom he
has lied and be truthful.
Overall, Chef appears to be much happier and calmer, and have a growing sense of awareness and pride, as he experiences successes in these areas with the required supports. He seems to have a stronger understanding and acceptance of what is acceptable (what works) and not acceptable (what doesn't work) when it comes to how Chef interacts with his environment and the people around him. The hope is that a lot of the rote learning will be habitual by adulthood so Chef has a few less issues to deal with as an adult in the world.
Chef is presently missing out on his free time in the evenings because free time comes after chores and responsibilities have been taken care of. Chef has chosen not to put his laundry in for the past couple of weeks, and most of his clothes have once again "disappeared." The clothing piece truly is a mystery at this point, since Chef almost always has someone in the same room with him here at home now. The best I can figure is that he is still slipping things into nooks and crannies in the storage room where the washer and dryer also live and where he often is by himself with myself or Chef's sister in the next room. Another possibility is that he is once again sneaking them into the garbage bag right before taking the garbage out. On Monday, he had at least five pairs of socks in his room. Last night he informed me that he has none left and doesn't know where they are. I reminded him that I've been reminding him to put them into the hamper and that he's been taking them there. "Yes, but they aren't in there now and I don't know where they are."
Chef has $12 in allowance from the past few weeks. ($2.minimum per week, $8. maximum if he takes care of his chores/responsibilities, with numerous opportunities to earn money through other ways at home). In order to receive his allowance on Saturday, he has to have completed his chores and needs to have not tantrummed or "given attitude" on Friday and Saturday. Hopefully this weekend will see us over at the thrift shop so Chef can buy a bag of rags (to replace the ones he's gotten rid of in his ongoing attempt to not have to do any chores) and more socks and other clothing items to replace the ones that have recently "disappeared." Compared to previous years, he has come such a long way in learning/understanding/accepting the natural consequences of his choices, learning how to be a contributing member of his family/community/society as a whole, etc - if only the hygiene and willingness to do chores would come along as well! Tantrumming continues to be a work in progress. It is clear that Chef is not "out of control" during his tantrums. It seems as though Chef specifically chooses to use tantrums.
Some of the other bigger pieces in past years have been going to school/wanting to just be at home and not do anything, stealing, lying, and hoarding.
What's Made A Difference?
Willingness to Go to School:
-Supportive school staff
-Computer Use at school
-"Not At All Fun" theme at home on days Chef doesn't attend school when expected
Stealing:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef at home,at school,in the community
(if Chef is on his own and there is something he sees that he wants, it's his)
-Chef does a "self-check" as soon as he walks in the door from school
-I often (not always) watch Chef get off the bus and walk to the house to ensure
he is no longer stashing stolen goods in the yard before coming inside
-A lock on my bedroom door, money kept put away
-Stolen items removed immediately upon discovery, expected resitution
Hoarding:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef
-Chef also does "a self-check" before going upstairs at night, as well as one
when he returns to the main floor if he has been in the basement
-Regular room checks and careful kudos to Chef (because sometimes compliments go
the wrong way in Chef's mind) for any small successes
-Immediate removal and expected restitution for items
Lying:
-When Chef is caught in a lie, he is reminded that we are all a team and that
a team works together. He is expected to return to the person to whom he
has lied and be truthful.
Overall, Chef appears to be much happier and calmer, and have a growing sense of awareness and pride, as he experiences successes in these areas with the required supports. He seems to have a stronger understanding and acceptance of what is acceptable (what works) and not acceptable (what doesn't work) when it comes to how Chef interacts with his environment and the people around him. The hope is that a lot of the rote learning will be habitual by adulthood so Chef has a few less issues to deal with as an adult in the world.
Monday, December 6, 2010
December, 2010
So where are things at otherwise....
Skills:
Chef continues to do a good job at cooking. He was even garnishing for awhile but isn't any longer. He does tend to forget some things if he hasn't prepared a certain food for awhile. He doesn't access his notebook or written information that he needs, but will now check the cooking instructions for rice without issue when reminded; there had been some sort of rice problem a few weeks back. I haven't been teaching him any new skills recently, but we'll be working on some holiday items together.
Chef's interest/skills in origami have resurfaced following a Christmas party at an art gallery where one of the activities was to make origami decorations for the gallery's tree.
Chef is getting top marks in science this year, and has been bringing home gifts of art for me. Chef continues to be a voracious reader, and is strong in computer skills at school.
Chef is able to talk about nutritional information and some environmental effects of choices we make.
This year, Chef seems to be developing more interest in appropriate self-development rather than aiming for "clown" or "cool" mode. I don't know if this is true at school as well.
Winter Tantrums:
There was a time when Chef would go outside in the winter without outerwear to tantrum. He would go onto the deck and stand or sit on the deck and immediately start whining/foghorning/yelling about how cold he was. If I opened the door and held out his jacket and reminded him to put it on, he would either grump and turn away then return to whining/foghorning/yelling or take the jacket and throw it into the yard or onto the deck, then return to whining/foghorning/yelling. Chef now puts on his outerwear before going outside. **Also, Chef has now been wearing boots rather than sandals since the second snowfall. He did put on his sandals that morning and started running out to the bus but he did come back and put on his boots when I kept calling him back and holding out his boots. He has also been wearing socks since last week.
Chores
If I remain in the same room as Chef, he does a good job at any chore on his list. He will still try different "games" with dishes though, and it feels as though he just likes the attention and diversion of having someone sitting there.
"Obeying Mom"
Chef will do pretty much anything that is asked of him (as long as it is not something that he deems to be a chore); make tea, take out a diaper, carry in groceries and unload them, carry bags, cook, shovel snow, etc., etc., etc., and indpendently does a good job of it. If I tell him to put down the hot sauce bottle because he's using a lot, he immediately puts it down. If I ask him to remove his socks to make sure he hasn't hidden anything inside them, he immediately removes them without issue (I guess this might be different if he'd actually hidden something hidden in his sock).
This weekend after Chef's tantrum, I wondered how Chef would have responded if I'd asked him to come in and make some tea while he was in mid-tantrum. I have a sense that he might have stopped and come in and made tea. There have been times when he is tantrumming on the deck and his sister has opened the door and asked him to take a bag to the recyling bin for her, and Chef has stopped his tantrum, said "ok," and quietly run the bag to the bin then resumed his tantrum when he returned to the deck. Maybe enough of those types of disruptions would be beneficial; of course, the other side is that he would then be expecting folks to "fix" his tantrum, and he'd be getting additional attention. At any rate, Chef does do whatever he's asked as long as it's not something he views as a chore.
Social Interactions
Coming along nicely. Awkwardness is not as noticeable this year.
Hygiene
Chef still doesn't seem to be at all concerned about hygiene. If he does care about hygiene, it doesn't show. Once in awhile he will brush his teeth. He still seems to have no concern regarding his clothing, nor any interest in replacing the clothing items that have "disappeared."
Urine
Chef has independently started keeping jugs in his room to urinate in them during the night. I'm ok with that; it solves his "I don't feel like walking to the bathroom" issue and lets me sleep better at night without waking to him getting up then having to make sure he returned to his room afterwards. The concern is in getting him to remove the jugs from his room once they are full. He does not do this on his own, and resists when reminded to remove them. He doesn't keep them tucked away, they're out in the open. Sometimes he removes the caps to put various items into the jugs.
Food
As long as "problem" food is locked up and Chef is consistently monitored, food is not an issue. We are able to keep canned goods in the cupboards but have to keep the can opener hidden or Chef will eat canned goods in the washroom or while doing dishes. Uncooked pasta now seems to be ok to have in the kitchen without being eaten. I had put spices away for awhile but have reintroduced most back into the kitchen without issue. The food in the fridge is generally just produce, eggs, and leftovers, none of which seem to be a concern. Bananas still cannot be kept in the kitchen. Any jam or jelly or anything else that is sweet or dessert-like has to be hidden away in the fridge or will be sneakingly removed and emptied when Chef discovers it. Cooked/leftover meat is not safe in the freezer; Chef will sneak it out and eat it. We have actually had a loaf of bread in the freezer for about two weeks now. This amazes me. Those who have read through my blog know my son's focus on bread if it's around.
A couple weeks ago, my daughter put english muffins in the back of the freezer under other items. When she couldn't find them, Chef told her that he'd thrown them out for her because he thought he saw some mould on them. I informed Chef that they wouldn't get mould on them from being in the freezer.
Last week we had stale bread from a french loaf my daughter had bought, and toast that was completely blackened on one side from being forgotten under the broiler. I tossed it around the yard for the birds. When Chef went out to shovel, he picked the bread out of the snow and ate it.
We do not have items such as frozen waffles, prepackaged/ready-to-eat food. If we did, I have no doubt that Chef would be focussing on those.
Before Chef goes upstairs, I always check the stairs and have Chef do a personal check to make sure he's not stashing anything. There is never an issue around Chef doing a check, he just does it. Chef will still occasionally sneak through the house for food, but very rarely compared to times in the past.
Because Chef does not (or takes weeks/months to) do chores to earn money to repay items he's stolen, the immediate consequence is that Chef is informed that the type of item he's taken will no longer be available for a long time because he has too much difficulty with having it in the house.
This seems to have been effective for the time being, evidenced by Chef no longer eating spices and by Chef sneaking less food into the washroom or under/into the sink, etc. to eat while doing dishes.
(MORE TO FOLLOW...)
Skills:
Chef continues to do a good job at cooking. He was even garnishing for awhile but isn't any longer. He does tend to forget some things if he hasn't prepared a certain food for awhile. He doesn't access his notebook or written information that he needs, but will now check the cooking instructions for rice without issue when reminded; there had been some sort of rice problem a few weeks back. I haven't been teaching him any new skills recently, but we'll be working on some holiday items together.
Chef's interest/skills in origami have resurfaced following a Christmas party at an art gallery where one of the activities was to make origami decorations for the gallery's tree.
Chef is getting top marks in science this year, and has been bringing home gifts of art for me. Chef continues to be a voracious reader, and is strong in computer skills at school.
Chef is able to talk about nutritional information and some environmental effects of choices we make.
This year, Chef seems to be developing more interest in appropriate self-development rather than aiming for "clown" or "cool" mode. I don't know if this is true at school as well.
Winter Tantrums:
There was a time when Chef would go outside in the winter without outerwear to tantrum. He would go onto the deck and stand or sit on the deck and immediately start whining/foghorning/yelling about how cold he was. If I opened the door and held out his jacket and reminded him to put it on, he would either grump and turn away then return to whining/foghorning/yelling or take the jacket and throw it into the yard or onto the deck, then return to whining/foghorning/yelling. Chef now puts on his outerwear before going outside. **Also, Chef has now been wearing boots rather than sandals since the second snowfall. He did put on his sandals that morning and started running out to the bus but he did come back and put on his boots when I kept calling him back and holding out his boots. He has also been wearing socks since last week.
Chores
If I remain in the same room as Chef, he does a good job at any chore on his list. He will still try different "games" with dishes though, and it feels as though he just likes the attention and diversion of having someone sitting there.
"Obeying Mom"
Chef will do pretty much anything that is asked of him (as long as it is not something that he deems to be a chore); make tea, take out a diaper, carry in groceries and unload them, carry bags, cook, shovel snow, etc., etc., etc., and indpendently does a good job of it. If I tell him to put down the hot sauce bottle because he's using a lot, he immediately puts it down. If I ask him to remove his socks to make sure he hasn't hidden anything inside them, he immediately removes them without issue (I guess this might be different if he'd actually hidden something hidden in his sock).
This weekend after Chef's tantrum, I wondered how Chef would have responded if I'd asked him to come in and make some tea while he was in mid-tantrum. I have a sense that he might have stopped and come in and made tea. There have been times when he is tantrumming on the deck and his sister has opened the door and asked him to take a bag to the recyling bin for her, and Chef has stopped his tantrum, said "ok," and quietly run the bag to the bin then resumed his tantrum when he returned to the deck. Maybe enough of those types of disruptions would be beneficial; of course, the other side is that he would then be expecting folks to "fix" his tantrum, and he'd be getting additional attention. At any rate, Chef does do whatever he's asked as long as it's not something he views as a chore.
Social Interactions
Coming along nicely. Awkwardness is not as noticeable this year.
Hygiene
Chef still doesn't seem to be at all concerned about hygiene. If he does care about hygiene, it doesn't show. Once in awhile he will brush his teeth. He still seems to have no concern regarding his clothing, nor any interest in replacing the clothing items that have "disappeared."
Urine
Chef has independently started keeping jugs in his room to urinate in them during the night. I'm ok with that; it solves his "I don't feel like walking to the bathroom" issue and lets me sleep better at night without waking to him getting up then having to make sure he returned to his room afterwards. The concern is in getting him to remove the jugs from his room once they are full. He does not do this on his own, and resists when reminded to remove them. He doesn't keep them tucked away, they're out in the open. Sometimes he removes the caps to put various items into the jugs.
Food
As long as "problem" food is locked up and Chef is consistently monitored, food is not an issue. We are able to keep canned goods in the cupboards but have to keep the can opener hidden or Chef will eat canned goods in the washroom or while doing dishes. Uncooked pasta now seems to be ok to have in the kitchen without being eaten. I had put spices away for awhile but have reintroduced most back into the kitchen without issue. The food in the fridge is generally just produce, eggs, and leftovers, none of which seem to be a concern. Bananas still cannot be kept in the kitchen. Any jam or jelly or anything else that is sweet or dessert-like has to be hidden away in the fridge or will be sneakingly removed and emptied when Chef discovers it. Cooked/leftover meat is not safe in the freezer; Chef will sneak it out and eat it. We have actually had a loaf of bread in the freezer for about two weeks now. This amazes me. Those who have read through my blog know my son's focus on bread if it's around.
A couple weeks ago, my daughter put english muffins in the back of the freezer under other items. When she couldn't find them, Chef told her that he'd thrown them out for her because he thought he saw some mould on them. I informed Chef that they wouldn't get mould on them from being in the freezer.
Last week we had stale bread from a french loaf my daughter had bought, and toast that was completely blackened on one side from being forgotten under the broiler. I tossed it around the yard for the birds. When Chef went out to shovel, he picked the bread out of the snow and ate it.
We do not have items such as frozen waffles, prepackaged/ready-to-eat food. If we did, I have no doubt that Chef would be focussing on those.
Before Chef goes upstairs, I always check the stairs and have Chef do a personal check to make sure he's not stashing anything. There is never an issue around Chef doing a check, he just does it. Chef will still occasionally sneak through the house for food, but very rarely compared to times in the past.
Because Chef does not (or takes weeks/months to) do chores to earn money to repay items he's stolen, the immediate consequence is that Chef is informed that the type of item he's taken will no longer be available for a long time because he has too much difficulty with having it in the house.
This seems to have been effective for the time being, evidenced by Chef no longer eating spices and by Chef sneaking less food into the washroom or under/into the sink, etc. to eat while doing dishes.
(MORE TO FOLLOW...)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
That Good Ol' Swinging Pendulum
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
This morning, Chef independently got up when the alarm went off the first time, independently did 25(!) minutes of exercise, came downstairs and independently got out his breakfast(!) AND ate it(!), independently got his lunch items together and packed them into his lunchbox AND said he was going to make popcorn to bring along then made the popcorn(!), and only needed prompting during the last few minutes before it was time to leave because he wasn't yet washed or dressed for school.
Wow! This has been a rare and very appreciated morning.
As an aside, Chef asked the other day if people are reading my blogs and I told him that there are readers from a lot of different places. I told him someone from a place called Oman had read the blog, and that I had never heard of Oman and wasn't sure if I was remembering the name of the place correctly. "Oh yeah," Chef replied. "There's a place called Oman. It's on my map."
This morning, Chef independently got up when the alarm went off the first time, independently did 25(!) minutes of exercise, came downstairs and independently got out his breakfast(!) AND ate it(!), independently got his lunch items together and packed them into his lunchbox AND said he was going to make popcorn to bring along then made the popcorn(!), and only needed prompting during the last few minutes before it was time to leave because he wasn't yet washed or dressed for school.
Wow! This has been a rare and very appreciated morning.
As an aside, Chef asked the other day if people are reading my blogs and I told him that there are readers from a lot of different places. I told him someone from a place called Oman had read the blog, and that I had never heard of Oman and wasn't sure if I was remembering the name of the place correctly. "Oh yeah," Chef replied. "There's a place called Oman. It's on my map."
Monday, November 1, 2010
Candy Bars, Books, and Tantrums
Monday, November 1, 2010
Yesterday was not fun at our house. It started out ok'ish though. Given the overload of sugar in his system, I gave Chef extra time to sleep in in the morning. When he got up he wanted to make brunch (one of my favourite parts of a weekend!) and did up fried eggs and fried potatoes. We watched part of a video while we ate brunch, then Chef independently started doing chores. About five minutes later, Chef announced that he couldn't clean the bathroom because he only had one rag and that was in the laundry. "Where are the other rags?" "I don't know. I got rid of them" "How do you plan on cleaning the bathroom then?" "I guess I'll have to wait til the laundry's done" "That's not going to work." "(angry whining and escalating body language) Well, what am I supposed to do if I don't have rags??" "First, you can take the whining outside and deal with it there and not bring it back inside." Chef stormed out, stood outside for a few minutes, did some jumping jacks, came back inside when I motioned him in, and did the lunch dishes. While he had been outside, I'd noticed that more of my books were missing from my bookcase. After finishing up the lunch dishes, Chef came into the living room and said he didn't know what to do because he had to wait for the rag that was in the washer. I said that we also needed to discuss the matter of other books missing from the bookcase. Chef immediately stormed, angrily stating that he hadn't taken any books. I told him he could take himself back outside until he was ready to communicate appropriately. Chef tantrummed outside for an hour and a half. When he appeared appropriate and calm for awhile, I invited him back inside. I asked him if he was ready to communicate appropriately. "Yes." "Good, because at some point we'll need to talk about the books." "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T TAKE ANY BOOKS!!" "Back outside til you're ready to communicate appropriately." Chef stormed outside and started throwing pine cones at the house, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly ringing the doorbell, repeatedly kicking the door, banging his head against the living room window and making faces at me then screaming when I would leave the living room, yelling that he was cold, etc., etc. Chef tantrummed for at least an hour and a half that time. Once he was able to be back inside, Chef stated that he'd been taking books on his way out the door to school in the morning and hiding them in his lunchbag. Most mornings, Chef runs out the door at the last minute, and I am at the door with him then watching him from the front window til the bus arrives. Lately, however, I have not been right at the door when he comes in after school. The bookcase is right by the door and Chef wouldn't be hard-pressed to be able to slip out a book and stash it in the closet to take somewhere later on. If I am downstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check before going upstairs (he usually goes upstairs for a rest after school); if I am upstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check when he gets upstairs. We've stopped doing checks for each time Chef goes upstairs otherwise, but it seems to be time to start doing that again. Chef says sometimes he'll say he's going to clean the front entrance (about 5'x5') then hide something in the closet or in his niece's stroller then take it upstairs or stash it outside later.
Chef didn't bring up his laundry from the dryer yesterday. This morning he said he doesn't know where any of his socks are that were just purchased last weekend; I know they were in the hamper, but Chef said they weren't in the laundry room when he took the hamper downstairs. His runners had needed washing on the weekend and he was reminded three times in less than half an hour to put his runners into the washer. That didn't happen; he washed them outside instead. I asked him if he'd forgotten that he's tried that before and it doesn't work. He did work on his lunches last night without issue and actually agreed to take more in his lunches, including a dessert I made for him! This is highly unusual. I'm very thankful he was at that point yesterday. This morning, I packed his lunch into a large, clear tupperware container so it's easy for his school support staff to see what's inside with hopes that it will minimize some of Chef's stealing/stashing attempts. When the bus pulled up, Chef had only been starting to get ready the last few minutes beforehand and was not at all ready to go - though he had actually eaten part of a breakfast! He walked out to the bus barefoot, wearing pyjamas, carrying sandals, his lunch, his jacket (the one that he's kept in the storage room since I bought it for him in summer; it finally got promoted to being brought upstairs and being used!) and a wrinkled outfit he'd pulled out of the dryer. He didn't give his lunch to the driver, and often hasn't been, which usually translates into him eating it on the bus.
I'm a little tuckered out today; actually, a little more than a little.
Yesterday was not fun at our house. It started out ok'ish though. Given the overload of sugar in his system, I gave Chef extra time to sleep in in the morning. When he got up he wanted to make brunch (one of my favourite parts of a weekend!) and did up fried eggs and fried potatoes. We watched part of a video while we ate brunch, then Chef independently started doing chores. About five minutes later, Chef announced that he couldn't clean the bathroom because he only had one rag and that was in the laundry. "Where are the other rags?" "I don't know. I got rid of them" "How do you plan on cleaning the bathroom then?" "I guess I'll have to wait til the laundry's done" "That's not going to work." "(angry whining and escalating body language) Well, what am I supposed to do if I don't have rags??" "First, you can take the whining outside and deal with it there and not bring it back inside." Chef stormed out, stood outside for a few minutes, did some jumping jacks, came back inside when I motioned him in, and did the lunch dishes. While he had been outside, I'd noticed that more of my books were missing from my bookcase. After finishing up the lunch dishes, Chef came into the living room and said he didn't know what to do because he had to wait for the rag that was in the washer. I said that we also needed to discuss the matter of other books missing from the bookcase. Chef immediately stormed, angrily stating that he hadn't taken any books. I told him he could take himself back outside until he was ready to communicate appropriately. Chef tantrummed outside for an hour and a half. When he appeared appropriate and calm for awhile, I invited him back inside. I asked him if he was ready to communicate appropriately. "Yes." "Good, because at some point we'll need to talk about the books." "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T TAKE ANY BOOKS!!" "Back outside til you're ready to communicate appropriately." Chef stormed outside and started throwing pine cones at the house, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly ringing the doorbell, repeatedly kicking the door, banging his head against the living room window and making faces at me then screaming when I would leave the living room, yelling that he was cold, etc., etc. Chef tantrummed for at least an hour and a half that time. Once he was able to be back inside, Chef stated that he'd been taking books on his way out the door to school in the morning and hiding them in his lunchbag. Most mornings, Chef runs out the door at the last minute, and I am at the door with him then watching him from the front window til the bus arrives. Lately, however, I have not been right at the door when he comes in after school. The bookcase is right by the door and Chef wouldn't be hard-pressed to be able to slip out a book and stash it in the closet to take somewhere later on. If I am downstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check before going upstairs (he usually goes upstairs for a rest after school); if I am upstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check when he gets upstairs. We've stopped doing checks for each time Chef goes upstairs otherwise, but it seems to be time to start doing that again. Chef says sometimes he'll say he's going to clean the front entrance (about 5'x5') then hide something in the closet or in his niece's stroller then take it upstairs or stash it outside later.
Chef didn't bring up his laundry from the dryer yesterday. This morning he said he doesn't know where any of his socks are that were just purchased last weekend; I know they were in the hamper, but Chef said they weren't in the laundry room when he took the hamper downstairs. His runners had needed washing on the weekend and he was reminded three times in less than half an hour to put his runners into the washer. That didn't happen; he washed them outside instead. I asked him if he'd forgotten that he's tried that before and it doesn't work. He did work on his lunches last night without issue and actually agreed to take more in his lunches, including a dessert I made for him! This is highly unusual. I'm very thankful he was at that point yesterday. This morning, I packed his lunch into a large, clear tupperware container so it's easy for his school support staff to see what's inside with hopes that it will minimize some of Chef's stealing/stashing attempts. When the bus pulled up, Chef had only been starting to get ready the last few minutes beforehand and was not at all ready to go - though he had actually eaten part of a breakfast! He walked out to the bus barefoot, wearing pyjamas, carrying sandals, his lunch, his jacket (the one that he's kept in the storage room since I bought it for him in summer; it finally got promoted to being brought upstairs and being used!) and a wrinkled outfit he'd pulled out of the dryer. He didn't give his lunch to the driver, and often hasn't been, which usually translates into him eating it on the bus.
I'm a little tuckered out today; actually, a little more than a little.
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