Oh Monday, I Will Miss Thee

What a weekend!

As soon as Chef came home from school on Friday, we walked over to the festival downtown. I'd already walked through in the afternoon to get a sense of where everything was, and good thing I did because it didn't take long before Chef started asking what was set up and whereabouts, etc., etc. We did a lot of walking! Chef had a long, fully-loaded vendor hotdog for supper, as well as some fruit he'd brought along. I'd let him know that that was his only treat this weekend other than being at the event itself. We'd talked through the week about how I was choosing not to spend any money on Chef during the event because that's how I felt after he'd stolen from me, and about Chef needing to do chores to earn spending money for the event - which he didn't. But Chef didn't complain at all throughout the festival and seemed to very much enjoy himself. (In fact, when he later found some ride tickets on the sidewalk, I told him it would be a good idea to be a good community member by giving them to someone else considering he has often taken from his community without repayment/restitution. Chef said he didn't like the rides anyway and seemingly easily gave them to a passerby.) We walked the length of the main area first, then walked back along the other side. Chef talked a lot about how fun it would be to go on the small, inflatable bouncer structures they'd set up for the younger crowd. He filled in a ticket by every "free draw" sign he saw, collected papers from various vendors/info tables til I pointed out that he had plenty, and completely lit up when he saw cupcakes with multicoloured swirly icing. We saw Chef's CFS worker again, and again Chef didn't recognize him, and often asked throughout the day, "Who was that?" "Who were you waving at?" "Who were you talking to? Do I know them?" A couple of times we bumped into friends who have family members Chef's age who Chef knows - both times, Chef removed himself and sat a distance away while I visited, even after initially saying hello with encouragement. At the petting zoo area, we talked about how we would feel if we were in a small pen/cage all day having strangers pet and poke, and how it's a bit tricky when it comes to petting zoos because they encourage interest in the animals yet it's a cruel situation for the animals present. Chef pointed to a kitten in a small kennel container and said he sure wouldn't want to be that kitten. (Later on, we returned to the petting zoo with Chef's niece and Chef excitedly pointed and said, "Mom, look! They have kittens here!" I wasn't sure what to make of that.) One spot had a small putting area set up and Chef made 3 attempts to get the ball in and chose a small army figure as a prize. I asked what he planned on doing with it, since I don't allow war toys in our home. "I don't know," he said. We watched one of my former coworkers on the free stage. Chef seemed much more taken with his toy soldier, flying it in the air, pretending to have it shoot until I reminded him he was going overboard for a 15 year old. He grumped a bit, then tuned into the music and was soon tapping along to the beat. When we left the stage area, Chef went back to the putting area and traded in his toy soldier for Canadian flag tattoos. In the evening, we had my oldest grandchild with us and Chef went into full uncle mode. When Chef is in good space, he is so very good with his nieces. We took her to the children's tent where Chef showed her how to toss beanbags into a hole-y cow and coloured with her. Chef very excitedly showed her the petting zoo and proudly pushed her stroller throughout the evening. On Saturday, Chef eagerly packed a bag of food for the day and back we went. We watched a few friends perform on stage, then wandered and visited with folks. Around 6'ish, we were sitting for a moment when Chef pointed to the sidewalk. "That almost looks like a ticket for something except it would be backwards because it says Terms and Conditions on it." I glanced down and nodded. Chef went back to eating some fruit and looking around while we relaxed, then he bent down and picked up the paper and showed it to me. "Is this a ticket for the concert tonight?" It was! And with rush seating, there was no way of returning the ticket to its original owner. I quickly sent a text message to some folks I knew who were already seated by the stage and asked if Chef could join them. So Chef ended his day by attending his first concert and, even though he sat with women, he wasn't there with his Mom! A very tired Chef came home around 11:30pm and went right to bed.

At 1pm the next day, I asked Chef if he planned on coming downstairs at all or if he was going to sleep more. He grumpily came down the stairs, looked at what his sister and I were cooking on the stove (bacon and eggs), and grumpily announced that he needed to do laundry and asked his sister to go down to the basement so he could use the laundry room (because her room is downstairs and Chef has a problem with stealing). She said he'd have to wait. Chef grumped more. I reminded him to quickly get dressed because brunch was already later than usual and wouldn't be waiting for him. Chef slowly dragged his feet over to the sink and said he was doing dishes. I asked if he wasn't eating and he shrugged, so I reminded him to get dressed and have a bite to eat before he does anything else. More grumping. "Turn things around or go deal with your grumpiness or go back to bed, but don't continue the grumping." Chef went out to the deck and did some jumping jacks then came inside with tone/grumpiness. I told him that I was going to do something ONLY because he was out at a concert late the night before, then handed him some of his favourite fruit and told him to go up and have a nice, long, relaxing bath (Chef hasn't bathed again in awhile, so I wasn't sure if he'd accept it as a relaxer at that point) and that if he needed a nap afterwards, that would be fine. About half an hour later, I went up to check on his and heard what sounded like Chef quickly getting into the tub. When he said I could come in, Chef was sitting in the tub with dry hair and a mostly-dry upper body. He responded very grumpily to my step-by-step prompts for washing his hair then shifted (grumpily but on his own!) into washing his body. I went back downstairs. About an hour later, Chef announced from the stairs that he wanted brunch. I told him brunch was over long ago and that the rest of us were having a rest and that he could either just have some quiet time in his room or nap. He went to his room and when he came down later, he said he was going to do the dishes. I didn't say anything. A few moments later, he said he was going to clean the bathroom. I didn't say anything. A few moments later, he came into the living room and said he wanted bacon. I told him the bacon was for brunch and was gone, but he could have peanut butter sandwiches and fruit for supper (he's been asking on the weekend to take peanut butter sandwiches to school for lunch on Monday but I've been reminding him that it's best to have those just at home due to others' sensitivities). He made an angry face and started talking with tone and I just pointed to the window. Chef went outside and did some jumping jacks. When I opened the door to talk with him, he continued with tone. I closed the door and let him work things out for a bit then I asked him through the open window what he should have done when he came downstairs. We reviewed, he came inside, ate, and had a quiet evening in his room. I thought he'd taken some books up with him to read, but when I went to check on him later, I noticed the books on the hallway desk. I went upstairs and knocked on his door. When he said to come in, I opened the door to find a foggy room and a naked Chef standing and holding a piece of cloth over his groin area. His window was closed, his bathrobe was along the floor behind the door, and there was water dripping from different spots on the ceiling and along the walls, and shaving cream foam inside the keyboard bench. I picked up the spray bottle that he'd used from the bathroom and told Chef to open his window and to clean up the water. "I can't open my window. Bugs will come in (Chef has already wrecked two screens in short order, so there isn't one in his window at the moment). That's why I've been spraying water - to kill the bugs." I glanced over to the desk where Chef was pointing. Three dead flies.

I sent my sister, who also works with children with various different abilities, a text message asking if she had any ideas for air circulation in Chef's room. If there is air (warm in winter or cool in summer) coming through his vent, Chef usually blocks it off with his mattress or books. My sister suggested a plug-in fan but Chef has played dangerously with items with electrical plugs so a plug-in fan would make me very nervous, plus he doesn't like air movement. She suggested a ceiling fan, but again that's blowing air and Chef has already wrecked 2 or 3 light fixtures. My concern is keeping Chef's body temp in a good place when he's spending any time in his room on hot summer days or days with high humidity, such as yesterday. We thought maybe ice packs might work - unless he opens them up. Ice frozen in a baggie would quickly be removed and used for various purposes, as I've learned with water in a hot/cold water bottle. Hopefully I can find ice packs that have safe interiors and tough exteriors.

Today is Monday. This is Chef's one exam day. Before school, Chef took out the garbage, got dressed, asked again about taking peanut butter sandwiches, asked if I had made anything for his bus driver (we'd talked earlier in the week about making some baked goods on the weekend to give his bus driver as a year-end gift), grabbed two pieces of fruit, and was out the door before the bus arrived.

The Attachment/Autism/ ADHD/ BrainDamage Combo

I woke Chef at 7:30 this morning so I could check his feet again. Thankfully they seem fine. He has had a bit of frostbite on one of his toes recently, but didn't tell me about it til a few days after he'd realized he had it. We talked again of the importance of wearing socks in the winter. And given the rate at which Chef's clothing disappears and the responses from him about putting on socks in the morning ("Socks first, then boots." "I don't have any socks." "Where are the 7 pairs you just got on the weekend?" "I don't know. I can't find them." "There were at least 4 pairs in your hamper." "After I did my laundry they were gone." Etc., etc), I think a sock basket by the door would be a good idea. A couple of winters ago, Chef had disappeared from school. When he reappeared, we learned that he'd gone off to play on some snowbanks he'd heard about on his schoolbus. He ended up with frostbite on his leg that day because he'd had snow in his boot and didn't remove it.

This is one of the pieces where I still wonder if Chef needs a different type of support around hygiene/dressing than what we've presently discussed as a team. Is it possible that Chef might actually require hands-on supports in areas such as hygiene and dressing? This week, we're sure going to be working once again(still!) on training Chef to use his book of lists/reminders.

Presently, Chef's home program revolves around training/re-training his brain through positive experiences, positive activities, prompts as needed, "is that working for you?" "how well did that work?" "what would have worked better?" conversations, and allowing Chef to live with the natural consequences of his choices over and over and over and over (except in cases where a change needs to be put in place otherwise due to the possibility of choices leading to dangerous results such as frostbite!)

Physically, Chef is definitely capable of washing and dressing himself. But there seems to be such a strong disconnect when it comes to doing "daily routine" things that require effort - or, maybe it's "chores, and whatever falls under the category of taking care of self and belongings." That said, Chef no longer attempts to power struggle over participating in a daily exercise routine (though he is starting to complain about it now as of today because it is needing to be changed) nor over things like being asked to carry or bring in groceries. Chef never argues or "gives attitude" over any request of him whatsoever unless it's something that is regularly required of him (hygiene, daily change of clothes, chores, etc.) or if someone his age is around and he is trying to act cool around them. Back to washing/dressing - it continues to be an ongoing struggle for Chef at 15 years of age.

When Chef was younger, I used pictures/charts/stickers/rewards/incentives/etc., and often I would end up having to dress him when he wouldn't get dressed. Sometimes he would then remove the clothing. We tried all sorts of different fabrics/elastic waistbands/etc. At that time, he was saying that he didn't want to get dressed because he just wanted to stay home - from everywhere (some of you know about the "firehose the clothing" plan as well!). Sometimes he said he just wanted to wear pajamas. Sometimes he said he didn't want to get dressed because he didn't want people to come over to our house. When he was around 8'ish, I stopped dressing him when needed, and started completely letting him live with the consequences of not getting washed/dressed to go somewhere because we (everyone on his team at the time) agreed that he was capable of dressing himself. Flash-forward to today: it is only recently that Chef has expressed any sense of desire/acknowledgement that he does not want to be outside of his home dressed inappropriately (still working on the "inside of his home" part!), but that still isn't strong enough to motivate him. And from the time clothing is taken from the hamper to the laundry room and back to the main floor for a check before going upstairs, it still continues to "disappear" so this week I'm working on another clothing system.

I remember taking Chef to school one day and putting his boots back on his feet numerous times only to have him continually remove them. He said it was because he didn't want to go to school, yet when he removed them again he just walked into the school building not wearing them. His foster mom used to say that he wouldn't keep his shoes on, though he loved tromping about in adults' shoes. He used to fill his boots with stones. He usually goes through numerous pairs of footwear a year. (This year, he's only on his second pair of boots and second winter jacket so far!) He was recently complaining that his shin was bothering him. I reminded him again that he needed to change his exercise program to include different activities. When I asked him what he'd done with his shoes at school, he said he didn't know. When I asked what he's been wearing at school this whole time, he said he's been wearing his boots. I told him my legs would sure hurt too if I wore snow boots all day long. So now I'll be picking up some supportive insoles for his boots/school shoes (though I'm pretty sure those will disappear or be damaged in short order), and his exercise program is being changed this week to include different activities. The "change" part isn't going so well. It took a few years for Chef to embrace the idea of exercise and, after much journeying/adventure, he was presently at a point where he would get up and do exercises on his own in the morning! Now the exercises need to change.

For years, Chef has been taught basic lifeskills using a variety of techniques/reminders/prompts/etc/etc., etc. It often takes Chef a long time to learn/embrace something, but when he does, it usually clicks. He's learned how to read. He now does quite well in math. He will participate in physical activity at times now, and does some form of exercise every day (which I thought was coming from his own "feel good" or something along those lines, but I've been told from others that he only does it at home and only because "his mom makes him do it" - but he does it on his own every morning without prompts, nonetheless). His verbal skills have come a very long way, and his social skills are continuing to come along nicely. All of these are areas where he greatly struggled when he was younger and are areas in which much work and support was required for Chef to see positive results.

So let's see. A hanging clothing storage unit with five shelves in the downstairs closet. Forget the hamper for now. Each shelf will hold a complete outfit. At the end of each day, instead of the clothing going into the hamper, it goes back onto its shelf so I can easily see whether anything is missing. On laundry day, each complete outfit is checked before going to the laundry room, then reorganized back on the shelves afterwards. Sock basket by the door. Daily foot checks. Over-the-top verbal prompting on using his books of lists til Chef tires of hearing it and is willing to pick up his book.

Holidays. Week One.

One week ago today marked the last day of school before Christmas holidays. The time since then has not been a party.

On a positive note, there have been NO TANTRUMS! For this, I am truly thankful.

Otherwise, Chef has spent the past week not getting washed, not getting dressed (and I don't mean in the "pyjama days" sense!), and doing whatever he can to not do chores. He's been averaging a total of about 5-6 hours a day not doing dishes. This is not new, nor is it reserved for the holiday season.

Yesterday was the first day Chef put on an outfit. He'd been reminded the day before that extended family would be coming out for the afternoon. In the morning, he was reminded again and informed that we'd be going over to his sister's place instead of having everyone at our place. At the one-hour-til-departure mark, he was reminded that he had one hour before the cab arrived, and that he needed to have a bath and get dressed. At the 45 minute mark, he was asked if he was ready yet and reminded that he needed to get dressed - reminded again at the half-hour mark and 25 minute mark. At the 20 minute mark, he asked what time the cab would arrive. I told him I hadn't called yet but that we were aiming for 1:00 and he needed to get clean and dressed. He was reminded again at the 15 minute mark that he needed to have a bath and get dressed, and that people sure would not want to see him in a cab or at his sister's place "dressed" the way he was.

At about 10 minutes to one (when I called for a cab, they said the car would be here at 1:05), I used a very firm voice and told Chef to get ready immediately. Now! Now! Now! Chef jogged up the stairs and went to get dressed. I reminded him that he needed to wash the body odour off of himself before putting on his clothes. He poured a shallow bath and splashed some water around. I've heard the non-bath sounds before so I knocked and went in to support him. With the reminder that he needed to quickly bathe, Chef started slowly rubbing the soap up and down one leg. He was reminded that he could bathe himself or have help from me. He started rubbing soap onto his arm. I asked him where his list was for having baths, and reminded him that he needed to start at the top of his head and work down his body, leaving his private areas til last. I'm pretty sure this process would have gone on for quite some time except my oldest daughter suddenly called out that the cab had arrived. Chef started hearing me perform a chorus of "To the Cab, Now!" It's a fairly simple chorus - the same line just repeats pretty much all the way through.

Chef went out the front door, jacket in hand. I went to the back door and started carrying items out that needed to be loaded into the cab. My daughter was loading her baby's carseat into the backseat. Chef was nowhere to be seen.

I ran back into the house, looked through the peephole of the front door, and saw Chef standing on the front step fiddling with his tie. I opened the door, turned him around to face the yard, straightened my arms and released him in the right direction accompanied by another chorus of "To the Cab, Now!" Chef started running across the yard then suddenly called out, "Ow! It hurts my feet!" Then I clued in. He wasn't wearing his boots! They were sitting on the step so I grabbed them and tossed them in the direction Chef was running, told him to get them on and get to the cab immediately, shut the door and locked it, then ran back to the back door to continue getting stuff from the house to the cab. Still no Chef. My daughter and I got everything together, and as I was picking up the last items I needed to carry, Chef showed up by the deck. No boots on his feet. Dude, not cool. Get your boots on! Now!

We spent the rest of the day with family.

Pants - December 7, 2010

On Monday, I reminded Chef that he was not to wear his beige pants anymore. He'd been wearing them for numerous days already (and probably nights) and there were spots on them that were questionable at best. Chef said he only had a pair of jeans to wear then and reminded me that he didn't have any other clothes and we reviewed the reasons for that (most have "disappeared" again and Chef hasn't been putting in his laundry). "Well, jeans it is then. You're not wearing the beige ones again."

On Tuesday morning, Chef came out of his room wearing his beige pants. "Did you need help taking those off?" I asked. "No," replied Chef as he shuffled back into his room. A couple of minutes later, he came out of his room, stood in the hallway and said, "Mom, did something spill on my pants?" "Pardon?" "Did something spill on my pants?" "Well, whose pants are they?" "Mine." "And where were they?" "In my room." "So why are you asking me about them?" "I don't know. I just wondered if something spilled on them during a room check."

This was all sounding a little odd.

"No, why are you asking?" "They smell." "I would smell too if I were a pair of pants bunched up in your room the last few weeks." "Yeah but I washed them before they went in my room and I haven't worn them since then." "Ok, but your clothes will take on some smells if they're left bunched up in a room." "Oh."

Chef went outside. When I walked into the front entrance - whoa. Ok, the pants definitely smell. I left a voicemail for his resource teacher warning him.

December, 2010

So where are things at otherwise....

Skills:
Chef continues to do a good job at cooking. He was even garnishing for awhile but isn't any longer. He does tend to forget some things if he hasn't prepared a certain food for awhile. He doesn't access his notebook or written information that he needs, but will now check the cooking instructions for rice without issue when reminded; there had been some sort of rice problem a few weeks back. I haven't been teaching him any new skills recently, but we'll be working on some holiday items together.
Chef's interest/skills in origami have resurfaced following a Christmas party at an art gallery where one of the activities was to make origami decorations for the gallery's tree.
Chef is getting top marks in science this year, and has been bringing home gifts of art for me. Chef continues to be a voracious reader, and is strong in computer skills at school.
Chef is able to talk about nutritional information and some environmental effects of choices we make.
This year, Chef seems to be developing more interest in appropriate self-development rather than aiming for "clown" or "cool" mode. I don't know if this is true at school as well.

Winter Tantrums:
There was a time when Chef would go outside in the winter without outerwear to tantrum. He would go onto the deck and stand or sit on the deck and immediately start whining/foghorning/yelling about how cold he was. If I opened the door and held out his jacket and reminded him to put it on, he would either grump and turn away then return to whining/foghorning/yelling or take the jacket and throw it into the yard or onto the deck, then return to whining/foghorning/yelling. Chef now puts on his outerwear before going outside. **Also, Chef has now been wearing boots rather than sandals since the second snowfall. He did put on his sandals that morning and started running out to the bus but he did come back and put on his boots when I kept calling him back and holding out his boots. He has also been wearing socks since last week.

Chores
If I remain in the same room as Chef, he does a good job at any chore on his list. He will still try different "games" with dishes though, and it feels as though he just likes the attention and diversion of having someone sitting there.

"Obeying Mom"
Chef will do pretty much anything that is asked of him (as long as it is not something that he deems to be a chore); make tea, take out a diaper, carry in groceries and unload them, carry bags, cook, shovel snow, etc., etc., etc., and indpendently does a good job of it. If I tell him to put down the hot sauce bottle because he's using a lot, he immediately puts it down. If I ask him to remove his socks to make sure he hasn't hidden anything inside them, he immediately removes them without issue (I guess this might be different if he'd actually hidden something hidden in his sock).
This weekend after Chef's tantrum, I wondered how Chef would have responded if I'd asked him to come in and make some tea while he was in mid-tantrum. I have a sense that he might have stopped and come in and made tea. There have been times when he is tantrumming on the deck and his sister has opened the door and asked him to take a bag to the recyling bin for her, and Chef has stopped his tantrum, said "ok," and quietly run the bag to the bin then resumed his tantrum when he returned to the deck. Maybe enough of those types of disruptions would be beneficial; of course, the other side is that he would then be expecting folks to "fix" his tantrum, and he'd be getting additional attention. At any rate, Chef does do whatever he's asked as long as it's not something he views as a chore.

Social Interactions
Coming along nicely. Awkwardness is not as noticeable this year.

Hygiene
Chef still doesn't seem to be at all concerned about hygiene. If he does care about hygiene, it doesn't show. Once in awhile he will brush his teeth. He still seems to have no concern regarding his clothing, nor any interest in replacing the clothing items that have "disappeared."

Urine
Chef has independently started keeping jugs in his room to urinate in them during the night. I'm ok with that; it solves his "I don't feel like walking to the bathroom" issue and lets me sleep better at night without waking to him getting up then having to make sure he returned to his room afterwards. The concern is in getting him to remove the jugs from his room once they are full. He does not do this on his own, and resists when reminded to remove them. He doesn't keep them tucked away, they're out in the open. Sometimes he removes the caps to put various items into the jugs.

Food
As long as "problem" food is locked up and Chef is consistently monitored, food is not an issue. We are able to keep canned goods in the cupboards but have to keep the can opener hidden or Chef will eat canned goods in the washroom or while doing dishes. Uncooked pasta now seems to be ok to have in the kitchen without being eaten. I had put spices away for awhile but have reintroduced most back into the kitchen without issue. The food in the fridge is generally just produce, eggs, and leftovers, none of which seem to be a concern. Bananas still cannot be kept in the kitchen. Any jam or jelly or anything else that is sweet or dessert-like has to be hidden away in the fridge or will be sneakingly removed and emptied when Chef discovers it. Cooked/leftover meat is not safe in the freezer; Chef will sneak it out and eat it. We have actually had a loaf of bread in the freezer for about two weeks now. This amazes me. Those who have read through my blog know my son's focus on bread if it's around.
A couple weeks ago, my daughter put english muffins in the back of the freezer under other items. When she couldn't find them, Chef told her that he'd thrown them out for her because he thought he saw some mould on them. I informed Chef that they wouldn't get mould on them from being in the freezer.
Last week we had stale bread from a french loaf my daughter had bought, and toast that was completely blackened on one side from being forgotten under the broiler. I tossed it around the yard for the birds. When Chef went out to shovel, he picked the bread out of the snow and ate it.
We do not have items such as frozen waffles, prepackaged/ready-to-eat food. If we did, I have no doubt that Chef would be focussing on those.
Before Chef goes upstairs, I always check the stairs and have Chef do a personal check to make sure he's not stashing anything. There is never an issue around Chef doing a check, he just does it. Chef will still occasionally sneak through the house for food, but very rarely compared to times in the past.
Because Chef does not (or takes weeks/months to) do chores to earn money to repay items he's stolen, the immediate consequence is that Chef is informed that the type of item he's taken will no longer be available for a long time because he has too much difficulty with having it in the house.
This seems to have been effective for the time being, evidenced by Chef no longer eating spices and by Chef sneaking less food into the washroom or under/into the sink, etc. to eat while doing dishes.

(MORE TO FOLLOW...)

A Gold-Star Week at Home, Silver for School Marks, Coal for Dishonesty at School

Today is Friday.

What a nice week we've had. Chef has continued his mornings of independent exercise, eating his breakfast without prompts, and getting his lunch items out and packed into his lunchbox without prompts. Hygiene and making it out to the bus on time are not happening. Today Chef went out to the bus barefoot and carrying his sandals again, but today he was running rather than walking.

Yesterday after school, Chef and I walked downtown to meet up with a few of my friends. Chef sat at his own table and read newspapers/magazines. When we got home, Chef independently started his chores and put in his laundry! After supper, Chef cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned up the upstairs bathroom, then spent his "free time" in his room because he'd lost his choice of activities due to choices he's been making at school.

Chef's resource teacher had received an email from Chef's art teacher. Chef has been telling his art teacher that he needs to leave class to go have meds. He hasn't been having meds at school and hasn't been going to the resource room after being excused from his class. We don't know where he's been going after leaving the classroom.

Chef brought home papers yesterday stating that there are a lot of assignments Chef hasn't submitted but he is getting excellent marks.

A lot of positives this week, combined with a pretty big concern.

Balance

I've often said, if it weren't for times of issue around school (sensory stressors around bright lights and hallways and crowds and noise, etc., having to get ready in the morning, etc) and chores and lying and stealing and hygiene and responsibility, everything would be fine.

I'm sure many of us have seen someone walk in the door at the end of the day and dump their backpack on the floor or toss their briefcase onto a chair, then flop down on the couch with an exaggerated exhale and a non-relaxed look on their face. They've held it together all day through thick and thin, then they come home and need a place to just relax.

For Chef, frustrations and anxieties are almost always reserved just for home. This is where he can dump everything and know that he will be supported in continuing to learn to dump appropriately. Chef also knows that there is an expectation here for him to continue to learn to use the tools he's been given and trained to use when it comes to anger/stress management. And he also knows that he will be continue to be supported in continued learning and growing to become a contributing member of his family and community.

And unlike the person who can walk in their door and flop then exhale and vent a bit then move on with their evening, Chef's anxieties and frustrations are sometimes delayed or skewed and are communicated through other "behaviours" either in response to something or as a prelude to something he's anticipating.

Aside from all those times (which can sometimes take up the bulk of an entire day or evening or even weekend if there have been issues), Chef and I have a lot of nice moments (good talks while walking, "Mom, would you like some tea?", good talks when driving somewhere, enjoying nature walks, "Mom, there's something over here you could take a picture of", watching videos together, "Yes, Mom", etc., etc., etc.) When Chef is in good space and not in the midst of dealing with issues/behaviours/ consquences, etc., it really is very pleasant being Chef's Mom.