Chef spent Friday evening with his sister and niece. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he'd worked on weekend chores. Saturday morning and early afternoon were great; Chef ate, washed up and dressed (still sandals though; he continues to say he can't find his socks because his sister put them somewhere, which she did - on top of the dryer after helping Chef with his laundry. This is the second weekend that Chef has again said that he doesn't have his socks anymore, even with reminders of exactly where they are), and seemed quite relaxed and happy as we ran errands together. We got home just before supper and I reminded Chef that his mattress was still in the front yard and needed to be cleaned up. Chef said ok, then went outside. Glancing outside a few minutes later, I noticed a seemingly angry Chef tearing apart the mattress even more; foam and other mattress bits were strewn across the yard. I opened the door and asked what was happening. Chef looked at me angrily and said that he knew I still didn't believe that he hadn't hidden anything in his mattress. "Well, that's right, but the issue right now is that you need to get your mattress cleaned up so it's not in the yard anymore." Chef started escalating. I reminded him that all he needed to do right now was clean up the mattress and that we weren't discussing anything else about his mattress today. Chef escalated. I reminded him of his anger management tools. Chef continued his yelling and whining and angry facial expressions; I shut the door. Two hours later, the mattress was cleaned up and Chef was calm and inside. He had a quick bite to eat, then we walked down to a small local cafe for an evening of music/jamming. It was interesting to note that when we were listening to the performing group for the first half-hour, Chef expressed some difficulty with the noise-level yet when I went up and started playing with the band, Chef independently and seemingly enthusiastically moved so he was sitting right up front by the band.
On Sunday, Chef attended an AGM with me as well as an afternoon performance, then we spent the evening having a leisurely, story-filled supper with a friend. On the way home, we talked about how Chef had used two hours to tantrum when that time would have been much better spent working together on his lunches for the week then having free time. Chef agreed.
Showing posts with label management. Show all posts
Showing posts with label management. Show all posts
Monday, November 8, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tantrum
Thursday, October 7, 2010
It is the Thursday before Thanksgiving. Traditionally, Chef has often not done well with any kind of holiday/celebration. It's yet another change in routine, it's still the beginning of a new school year, he asks almost every day whether or not my daughter and granddaughter are going to be at our place or not and where they are. There always seems to be so much running under the surface for Chef.
On our way to the store today, Chef looked at me and said, "Oh, I have something for you. It's a hug. I haven't given you one in awhile." Then he hugged me.
Wow! THAT is a rarity.
While we were at the store, Chef talked about some things he'd like us to make on the weekend. Fantastic! Chef doesn't usually initiate conversations like that, plus there were some "planning ahead" pieces in that statement! Some of the items required flour. When I reminded Chef that some of those items might have to wait because he'd recently eaten the rice/potato flour, he said, "Ok." I asked him how he'd managed to eat flour just on its own and he said he hadn't - he'd mixed it with vanilla.
Chef had a good evening tonight. We ate supper around 6:30pm, he tossed in his laundry, did some dishes, talked about the painting he'd brought home for me yesterday, we talked about weekend possibilities - all in all, a really nice evening.
And then I saw it.
A link of sausage (about a foot long) from the freezer had found its way to the railing going upstairs. I commented that that looked odd and asked Chef what his plan had been.
"To eat it," he said.
"Is sneaking raw meat from the freezer and putting it in the railing the appropriate way to get food?"
"No."
"What would have been better?"
"To eat something else."
"And sneak it?"
"No. But the package says it's been cooked."
"Does that make it appropriate to take it from the freezer and try to sneak it upstairs?"
"No! But I was hungry!"
"We had supper not long ago. If you were still hungry wouldn't it be better to have more supper or to have an appropriate snack?"
"I want the sausage!!"
Chef's eyebrows went down. His arms crossed. His voice raised. And Chef was reminded that he could either take some time outside to calm down or show that he could be respectful inside. Chef slammed out the door. He had taken his dresser drawers outside awhile back because he had never used them as drawers (except for a few puzzle pieces in one and food hidden under some fabric in another) but was frequently opening then slamming them when something wasn't going his way. He and I had talked about using the drawers for plants on our deck next year. Tonight, 4 out of 6 of them were destroyed. Chef started by banging them up against the house and the door, then started taking them apart and using the wood to hack apart the other drawers. I found it interesting that when I came out to give him his med, he stopped what he was doing, opened his mouth for the med, swallowed, then opened his mouth again to show me he'd swallowed. When I turned and went back into the house, Chef went back to grumping, banging on the house, and destroying the drawers. I called the local crisis unit to have someone on the phone while this was happening. We stayed on the phone while Chef finished with the drawers and agreed to clean up the mess and use his tools (usually exercising, especially if he is outside; inside tools also include reading, art, etc.) to deal with his frustration/tantrumming. When I got off the phone, Chef came running in the house screaming that he couldn't stay outside because there was something scary, then pointed to a tiny kitten on the lawn. Chef has never shown any fear of kittens. I asked if the kitten had surprised him and he said, "Yes, and it shouldn't have done that! I can't be outside with a kitten!" I picked up the kitten. Chef continued his tantrumming and yelled that he wanted to come inside. I reminded Chef that I hadn't seen a turn-around yet and needed to see him put some effort into dealing with his tantrumming. Chef walked away, turned around, folded his arms across his chest, and made a face at me. I closed the door. Chef started kicking/banging against the house and the door, and ringing the doorbell repeatedly and swearing. I took the kitten to our back door and gave it some food on our deck, thinking it might stay there for a bit, then I went back into the house. Chef was still tantrumming out front though he would occasionally pause to stare at the house with arms folded across his chest and an angry expression on his face, but would then go back to the tantrum. He even spent time playing with the kitten, who'd returned to the front yard, and would then go back to tantrumming. I called the police so he would receive the message from someone else that it wasn't ok to do what he was doing. The neighbours also came out and talked with Chef, but he'd initially continued on with the banging/kicking/swearing until I came out and said that I'd call the police. Chef stopped immediately and leaned quietly against the wall with his hands folded in front of him. The police came, talked with him, laughed with him, did a few jumping jacks with him, had him apologize, offered him their business card, and told him to listen to his mom. After they left, Chef and I went into the house and Chef immediately started to say something to me using disrespectful tone but I interrupted him and told him he had a choice of starting all over again by taking it outside to deal with it or turning things around immediately. He then rolled his eyes and started to try to argue. I told him that the message he was giving me was that he wasn't yet finished tantrumming and asked if that was the message he wanted to give.
"No," was the reply. By now it was after 10pm (I'd found the sausage around 8'ish). I said goodnight to him and Chef stomped into his room. I called him and asked him again if he still had some frustration to deal with because that was the message he was giving by stomping away and not responding. He started to roll his eyes and I told him to look at my eyes and take the time to find his calm. I haven't done that in ages and wasn't sure if it would still be beneficial - but Chef's eyes met mine and there was a moment of quiet. I then repeated, "Goodnight, Sweetie. Hope you have a good sleep," and Chef calmly said goodnight and went to bed.
I was just telling someone this afternoon that Chef has come such a long way in his life, and that a lot of his attachment difficulties have been healing (not healed, but healing!) over the years. This evening's trigger was very obviously one that is not historically unfamiliar - when Chef has tried to sneak an item into his room or the bathroom and the item is discovered before he can eat it or use it, he becomes furious. I had discovered the length of sausage before it had made it into his room and before he had a chance to eat it.
Tomorrow I'm going to start a combination of support strategies regarding food and see if a combination might be more beneficial for Chef.
It is the Thursday before Thanksgiving. Traditionally, Chef has often not done well with any kind of holiday/celebration. It's yet another change in routine, it's still the beginning of a new school year, he asks almost every day whether or not my daughter and granddaughter are going to be at our place or not and where they are. There always seems to be so much running under the surface for Chef.
On our way to the store today, Chef looked at me and said, "Oh, I have something for you. It's a hug. I haven't given you one in awhile." Then he hugged me.
Wow! THAT is a rarity.
While we were at the store, Chef talked about some things he'd like us to make on the weekend. Fantastic! Chef doesn't usually initiate conversations like that, plus there were some "planning ahead" pieces in that statement! Some of the items required flour. When I reminded Chef that some of those items might have to wait because he'd recently eaten the rice/potato flour, he said, "Ok." I asked him how he'd managed to eat flour just on its own and he said he hadn't - he'd mixed it with vanilla.
Chef had a good evening tonight. We ate supper around 6:30pm, he tossed in his laundry, did some dishes, talked about the painting he'd brought home for me yesterday, we talked about weekend possibilities - all in all, a really nice evening.
And then I saw it.
A link of sausage (about a foot long) from the freezer had found its way to the railing going upstairs. I commented that that looked odd and asked Chef what his plan had been.
"To eat it," he said.
"Is sneaking raw meat from the freezer and putting it in the railing the appropriate way to get food?"
"No."
"What would have been better?"
"To eat something else."
"And sneak it?"
"No. But the package says it's been cooked."
"Does that make it appropriate to take it from the freezer and try to sneak it upstairs?"
"No! But I was hungry!"
"We had supper not long ago. If you were still hungry wouldn't it be better to have more supper or to have an appropriate snack?"
"I want the sausage!!"
Chef's eyebrows went down. His arms crossed. His voice raised. And Chef was reminded that he could either take some time outside to calm down or show that he could be respectful inside. Chef slammed out the door. He had taken his dresser drawers outside awhile back because he had never used them as drawers (except for a few puzzle pieces in one and food hidden under some fabric in another) but was frequently opening then slamming them when something wasn't going his way. He and I had talked about using the drawers for plants on our deck next year. Tonight, 4 out of 6 of them were destroyed. Chef started by banging them up against the house and the door, then started taking them apart and using the wood to hack apart the other drawers. I found it interesting that when I came out to give him his med, he stopped what he was doing, opened his mouth for the med, swallowed, then opened his mouth again to show me he'd swallowed. When I turned and went back into the house, Chef went back to grumping, banging on the house, and destroying the drawers. I called the local crisis unit to have someone on the phone while this was happening. We stayed on the phone while Chef finished with the drawers and agreed to clean up the mess and use his tools (usually exercising, especially if he is outside; inside tools also include reading, art, etc.) to deal with his frustration/tantrumming. When I got off the phone, Chef came running in the house screaming that he couldn't stay outside because there was something scary, then pointed to a tiny kitten on the lawn. Chef has never shown any fear of kittens. I asked if the kitten had surprised him and he said, "Yes, and it shouldn't have done that! I can't be outside with a kitten!" I picked up the kitten. Chef continued his tantrumming and yelled that he wanted to come inside. I reminded Chef that I hadn't seen a turn-around yet and needed to see him put some effort into dealing with his tantrumming. Chef walked away, turned around, folded his arms across his chest, and made a face at me. I closed the door. Chef started kicking/banging against the house and the door, and ringing the doorbell repeatedly and swearing. I took the kitten to our back door and gave it some food on our deck, thinking it might stay there for a bit, then I went back into the house. Chef was still tantrumming out front though he would occasionally pause to stare at the house with arms folded across his chest and an angry expression on his face, but would then go back to the tantrum. He even spent time playing with the kitten, who'd returned to the front yard, and would then go back to tantrumming. I called the police so he would receive the message from someone else that it wasn't ok to do what he was doing. The neighbours also came out and talked with Chef, but he'd initially continued on with the banging/kicking/swearing until I came out and said that I'd call the police. Chef stopped immediately and leaned quietly against the wall with his hands folded in front of him. The police came, talked with him, laughed with him, did a few jumping jacks with him, had him apologize, offered him their business card, and told him to listen to his mom. After they left, Chef and I went into the house and Chef immediately started to say something to me using disrespectful tone but I interrupted him and told him he had a choice of starting all over again by taking it outside to deal with it or turning things around immediately. He then rolled his eyes and started to try to argue. I told him that the message he was giving me was that he wasn't yet finished tantrumming and asked if that was the message he wanted to give.
"No," was the reply. By now it was after 10pm (I'd found the sausage around 8'ish). I said goodnight to him and Chef stomped into his room. I called him and asked him again if he still had some frustration to deal with because that was the message he was giving by stomping away and not responding. He started to roll his eyes and I told him to look at my eyes and take the time to find his calm. I haven't done that in ages and wasn't sure if it would still be beneficial - but Chef's eyes met mine and there was a moment of quiet. I then repeated, "Goodnight, Sweetie. Hope you have a good sleep," and Chef calmly said goodnight and went to bed.
I was just telling someone this afternoon that Chef has come such a long way in his life, and that a lot of his attachment difficulties have been healing (not healed, but healing!) over the years. This evening's trigger was very obviously one that is not historically unfamiliar - when Chef has tried to sneak an item into his room or the bathroom and the item is discovered before he can eat it or use it, he becomes furious. I had discovered the length of sausage before it had made it into his room and before he had a chance to eat it.
Tomorrow I'm going to start a combination of support strategies regarding food and see if a combination might be more beneficial for Chef.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Balance
I've often said, if it weren't for times of issue around school (sensory stressors around bright lights and hallways and crowds and noise, etc., having to get ready in the morning, etc) and chores and lying and stealing and hygiene and responsibility, everything would be fine.
I'm sure many of us have seen someone walk in the door at the end of the day and dump their backpack on the floor or toss their briefcase onto a chair, then flop down on the couch with an exaggerated exhale and a non-relaxed look on their face. They've held it together all day through thick and thin, then they come home and need a place to just relax.
For Chef, frustrations and anxieties are almost always reserved just for home. This is where he can dump everything and know that he will be supported in continuing to learn to dump appropriately. Chef also knows that there is an expectation here for him to continue to learn to use the tools he's been given and trained to use when it comes to anger/stress management. And he also knows that he will be continue to be supported in continued learning and growing to become a contributing member of his family and community.
And unlike the person who can walk in their door and flop then exhale and vent a bit then move on with their evening, Chef's anxieties and frustrations are sometimes delayed or skewed and are communicated through other "behaviours" either in response to something or as a prelude to something he's anticipating.
Aside from all those times (which can sometimes take up the bulk of an entire day or evening or even weekend if there have been issues), Chef and I have a lot of nice moments (good talks while walking, "Mom, would you like some tea?", good talks when driving somewhere, enjoying nature walks, "Mom, there's something over here you could take a picture of", watching videos together, "Yes, Mom", etc., etc., etc.) When Chef is in good space and not in the midst of dealing with issues/behaviours/ consquences, etc., it really is very pleasant being Chef's Mom.
I'm sure many of us have seen someone walk in the door at the end of the day and dump their backpack on the floor or toss their briefcase onto a chair, then flop down on the couch with an exaggerated exhale and a non-relaxed look on their face. They've held it together all day through thick and thin, then they come home and need a place to just relax.
For Chef, frustrations and anxieties are almost always reserved just for home. This is where he can dump everything and know that he will be supported in continuing to learn to dump appropriately. Chef also knows that there is an expectation here for him to continue to learn to use the tools he's been given and trained to use when it comes to anger/stress management. And he also knows that he will be continue to be supported in continued learning and growing to become a contributing member of his family and community.
And unlike the person who can walk in their door and flop then exhale and vent a bit then move on with their evening, Chef's anxieties and frustrations are sometimes delayed or skewed and are communicated through other "behaviours" either in response to something or as a prelude to something he's anticipating.
Aside from all those times (which can sometimes take up the bulk of an entire day or evening or even weekend if there have been issues), Chef and I have a lot of nice moments (good talks while walking, "Mom, would you like some tea?", good talks when driving somewhere, enjoying nature walks, "Mom, there's something over here you could take a picture of", watching videos together, "Yes, Mom", etc., etc., etc.) When Chef is in good space and not in the midst of dealing with issues/behaviours/ consquences, etc., it really is very pleasant being Chef's Mom.
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