Books and Business

"Mom, did you know...."

This was the beginning of a very, very long sentence in which Chef attempted to explain to me everything that happened in "The Rise and Fall of the British Empire" by Lawrence James. The next day, he started reading "Sarum" by Edward Rutherfurd. Chef's also been reading cookbooks and books about autism.

Chef is also making "pictures to sell" in hopes of starting his own business. He's generally spending a couple of minutes on each picture. In the past, Chef has done some very nice, simple watercolour pieces, and agrees that he wants to have a website to sell some, but when it comes down to doing the base-work for them (drawing the shapes before painting), it's back to mass-producing very basic pictures in very short order.

Chef is frequently talking about wanting to sell items at the local farmers' market. Last week, while at the market for our first time, he suddenly pulled out from his binder of papers a loose piece of canvas he'd painted months ago and announced to me that he was going to sell it. I reminded him that we weren't there as vendors (just playing music for now) and didn't have a sales table set up, and that he could gladly sell some items sometime when we've made plans together regarding what would be reasonable items to sell. Then he realized a lot of baked goods were being sold. This week, there have been many many lists of recipe names, with frequent verbal reminders of the additional need for cookbook names and page numbers. There's also been one long list of necessary ingredients proudly presented to me one day just as we were walking out the door to shop for groceries. Excellent planning! Unfortunately the list only contained the names of the items needed - no amounts, no reference back to the recipe, etc. Chef seemed very disappointed when he realized his ingredient-list was for naught and seemed deflated at the suggestion that he could still use the list and try to figure out the recipes that matched the ingredients, or try again with a new list and let me know when he was working on it so I could help him.

Everything new is step-by-step. It's nice to know there's a degree of motivation that's starting to surface. Hopefully that will stay long enough to smooth out the bits that Chef is finding to be challenging/disappointing.

1.5 Notches Below "Tantrum"

July 25, 2011

Two hours.

Two hours of an outside, "all is not well" show in our yard we share with neighbours - a yard easily viewed by numerous passersby, many of whom were of particular interest to Chef who seemed sure that if he complained loudly enough, some of them might rescue him from having to deal with the attitude he'd given his mom after being reminded that he needed to clean up what he'd left on the stove. He believed he'd cleaned it up - the smoke coming from burner indicated otherwise, and I was the messenger.

And just this morning I was telling someone that things were going well. And they are, for the most part. There have been some amazing happenings this summer, and no major tantrums (loosely defined as yelling and/or swearing and throwing things and not participating in de-escalating, etc). Everything is relative.

One of the things I've started to notice is that whenever I take Chef to see a movie (I'd taken him Saturday evening, the night before last), there are a couple of days when he is somewhat off, starting either the next day or the day after; sometimes it shows in easily-triggered anger/frustration such as today (though easily-triggered anger/frustration are definitely not limited to such days; it's not uncommon for Chef to turn to angry blame when something he's done or hasn't done doesn't work out), sometimes it shows in not wanting to do much of anything at all for a couple of days, sometimes it shows in other ways. But it's just starting to nudge my radar that it's been happening after we go out to see a movie. My daughter and I have also started to notice that it's starting to happen on Sundays or Mondays prior to the Tuesday evenings that Chef spends with his sister.

Within minutes of the yard-show ending, Chef was singing and happily preparing supper. I was worn out. We sat on the deck and I played guitar and sang for a bit, then we came inside. Chef is now alternating between singing and reading in his room and I'm relaxing in mine. I think I'll put in a movie.

******************
This week, Chef has been great with getting his chores dones and tossing his laundry in on his own, all without reminders. He has also been asking everyday if he can prepare meals. He's been great with his nieces, was a great help in preparing for the local farmers' market, and one day he offered to carry numerous items home from the thrift shop. When I asked why he would want to carry so much instead of dividing everything between us as usual, his response was, "If I carry most of it, maybe you'll let me cook supper." Wow.

As an aside, I do have some mixed feelings on the cooking front. I thoroughly enjoy the meals Chef prepares - it's like a celebration of the skills we've crafted together in his life, it feels good for me when Chef prepares supper at the end of a day that has had its moments due to Chef's choices and/or "behaviours", it feels nice to have Chef giving to his family by cooking, and...well, he loves cooking! At some point somewhere along the line, I'd read that it's not good for children with unhealthy attachment to prepare their own food because it removes a sense of "my parent will provide for me" and feeds their sense of fending for themself, in addition to giving them an unhealthy sense of power over the parent and removing an area in which the parent can be further building attachment. I wish I could remember where I'd read/heard that. It does make sense. It also makes sense to let Chef prepare meals on his own for the reasons mentioned above. Some might even say it makes sense to allow Chef to prepare meals as a reward....hmmmm.

Lunch at Last!

June 9, 2011

Morning:

Chef took his lunch to school! And an entire lunch at that - stew, a mango, a grapefruit. He also picked up a loaf of bread and had intended to take that as well then put it down when he was reminded to take only some of the loaf and to wrap it or put it in a container.

I asked Chef why he hadn't changed his shirt yet this week. "Because I didn't have a bath last night." The schoolbus was already waiting, so I didn't continue the conversation at that point but I'll be exploring that statement with Chef tonight to find out what he meant. Maybe Chef's understanding of putting on a clean shirt after having a bath means the ONLY time you put on a clean shirt is after having a bath. Hmmm.

Partway through the morning I received a text from Chef's EA asking about Chef's glasses because Chef had told his EA that I wouldn't let him have them. I have two thoughts on this - either he's doing his usual and blaming me for his actions and/or choices OR he's confusing the conversations regarding his old glasses, which are to now stay home (though he knows his new glasses are to be at school and he's had numerous reminders to take them there).

This weekend a friend has offered to take us along for a tour of various artists' studios. As often happens regarding such events, I'm torn. As Chef's Mom, I know this would be a beneficial opportunity for him and would create some positive memories in his life. But also as Chef's Mom, it sure would be nice to have some time alone with friends and just focus on myself for a change during an event...shockingly, even with the way Chef has behaved her lately, my neighbour has offered to take Chef for the day so I could have the day to myself. The catch is, that as relaxing as that sounds, I have a sense that I'd be waiting all day for the phonecall saying Chef had run off from her place or was causing problems for her, and that I'd be dealing with his anger all the next day. On the other hand, there is never a guarantee that Chef will go along somewhere. The only thing for certain right now is that I won't be telling Chef anything until Friday evening or possibly Saturday morning because there's always a strong risk that Chef will "act out" if he knows in advance that we're going somewhere new or there's a change in his general routine. Right now, though, I'm definitely leaning towards bringing him along on the studio tour and hoping that the memories from that day will make it all worthwhile.

I've been looking for volunteers for this summer; folks who would be willing to commit to spending at least one hour a week with Chef to take him to the park or swimming, etc. I've put a request on Facebook and have sent emails to the local colleges. My hope is that having different people doing different activities with him throughout the summer would help Chef continue to grow in his social skills and accept a broader variety of people in his life, as well as provide a bit of respite time. It would definitely be of benefit to students who are studying in certain fields, and volunteer opportunities are always good for community-building. We sure haven't had much success in finding individuals to work with Chef otherwise, but I'm hoping that an hour a week will be do-able for some folks who are community-minded.

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service?

June 8, 2011

Chef came home from school in good space yesterday. He usually has a rest time when he gets home and yesterday was no exception - snoring was heard in short order and there were no other sounds from Chef's room for nearly 2 hours. Chef came into the kitchen wearing just a shirt; a long-sleeved, button-up shirt that covered
"everything" well, but just a shirt nonetheless. I raised my eyebrows.

"Really? Is wearing just a shirt appropriate?"
"I can't find my shorts for at home" (because Chef is back down to just one pair of pants, he has a pair of shorts that he changes into when he comes home from school and has been using them as pyjamas as well)
"You can't find them?"
"I left them at school."
"Should they have gone to school?"
"No."
"Tell me what should have happened this morning."
"I should have gotten dressed before the bus came."
"What do you need to do now?"
"Put on my robe."
"Quickly. Then we'll do supper on the deck."

I went into the washroom and when I came out I noticed Chef's robe still on the living room chair but I knew I'd heard the back door. Sure enough, when I glanced out, there was Chef sitting on a chair on the deck, eating. Shirt only.

"Is this appropriate?"
"Um. No. I was hungry."
"I don't want your bare bottom on one of my chairs. Get off the chair immediately and get your robe."

I came inside without closing the door behind me, thinking Chef was following. He wasn't. I glanced back out the window and saw him sitting on the deck, eating.

"What did we just talk about that you need to do?"
"Um. Get my robe?"
"Exactly. Get your robe on. Find your focus or your willingness to do what you need to do, whatever it is you need to find to move on appropriately with your evening, find it now."

Chef stood up and started doing some jumping jacks.
"I don't want to see your penis when I look out the window, and the folks across the way sure don't need a show. Come inside, put on your robe, find your focus."

Thump.Thump.Thump. Chef was now doing jumping jacks with his shirt tucked between his legs.

"Dude! To your room. Immediately."
"I'll look dumb in a robe!"
"To your room."

As Chef walked past the living room chair, he glanced down at his robe and said, "Oh, there it is."

When Chef was called down a few minutes later, he immediately put on his robe.

Chef remained in good space the rest of the evening. At one point, he asked again whether we're going to any music performances this summer, chatted again about how his EA is leaving for Africa, we talked a bit about again at how surprised I was that he hadn't wanted to finish a can of iced tea the other day because it was too sweet for him. When Chef started dishes, I went up to see how things were in his room since the ripped-open lining of the armchair and books had been discovered. The concern was that the neighbour thought that the first item Chef had thrown onto her deck was likely a screw or something along those lines. I'd noticed awhile back that Chef had removed a couple of the nails out of the back of his computer desk. And he'd started more toenail collections. All in all, time to do a safety check.

And there they were - little piles of staples that had been removed from the underside of the armchair. The chair's been in Chef's room for over a month, I think, and the lining was just torn open within the past week. The staples will have been removed within the last two days. I'm still not sure when Chef will have taken the pile of books upstairs, nor how he got them home without any of us noticing. I do know that he's sometimes done such in stages; hidden something outside then stealthily brought it inside at some point and hidden it somewhere else, etc. Sometimes he's even forgotten about items he's hidden. I don't usually watch Chef walk from the bus anymore, and there have been a couple of days here and there when my daughter has been home when Chef has arrived at home, so there are possibilities there for stolen books to make their way into the house. Chef always does "a check" before going up to his room, but not always when he is going upstairs under the guise of cleaning the upstairs bathroom so there's that possibility. Hmmm.

At any rate, it's clearly no longer safe for the chair to be in Chef's room. He brought it downstairs and took it out to the trash, along with the remainder of the nails I'd pulled out from his computer desk.

And with that, we called it an early night and Chef was soon snoring upstairs.

Monday, May 30, Part Two

Chef hates attending medical appointments himself, and he isn't big on me attending mine either.

Last Tuesday, Chef needed to go over to our neighbour's place in the morning until the school bus arrived. I had to be at appointments about an hour away. Chef has always found it difficult to manage if he knows I'm not feeling well or have medical appointments. His anxiety is heightened during such times, and there's always a delicate balance between preparing Chef for possible changes to his day (if he needs to go to respite due to appointments) and keeping his anxiety at bay otherwise. If Chef is told too soon about a change, it heightens his anxiety which is usually spilled out in various ways til the event happens. If he's not told til the last possible minute, there's a risk of anger/mistrust over not being told earlier.

In hopes of providing enough time for Chef to process his feelings beforehand and not take out his anxiety on our neighbours, I told Chef two days before my appointment that I would be leaving on Tuesday morning and he would need to go to our neighbours' place til the school bus arrived. Chef asked a few questions about when I would be back, where the appointment was, and how I felt about the appointment. I'm always matter-of-fact with those types of responses with Chef - I wouldn't be back til after Chef was home from school but his sister would be waiting for him at home when he got off the bus, provided the name of the hospital and general location, and told him I was looking forward to the appointment because it would help figure out what's happening with my leg because it doesn't feel right sometimes. Chef nodded. Over the next couple of days he seemed unsettled and a bit on edge and asked a few times for the same information about my appointment. On Tuesday morning, he seemed to be in good space when he went over to the neighbours' house. When I called to make sure he'd gone inside, my neighbour said she'd been teasing Chef a bit about having heard him going up and down the stairs the night before (we live in a townhouse and share a wall). She said that Chef had told her that he wasn't making any noise on the stairs - "It was Mom throwing books." When the neighbour told him she knew it was him going up and down the stairs and not books being thrown, he kept to his statement. I told the neighbour she could go ahead and let him know that she'd told me his story so he knows we're all on the same page, then we chatted a bit and hung up. An hour later when I got to the hospital, there were numerous calls from my neighbour on my cell phone so I called her back while I was walking through the parking lot. Chef had run off. He hadn't waited for the bus and she didn't know where he was. She had tried calling the school only voicemail was available in the resource dept, and she didn't know if she should call the local police. I reassured her that I would call the police (who help us search when Chef disappears) and the school. Eventually we learned that Chef had shown up at the school! As stressful as that half hour was, it was equally shocking (and reassuring!) to learn that Chef had shown up at school.

Chef let his resource teacher know that he had run off because he was angry with me for going to my appointments.

It's difficult for kids like Chef. When things don't work out, he blames me. When his choices cause problems for him, he blames me. When he no longer has something because he wrecked it, he blames me. It almost seems like an extension of the need for an external brain. He does, however, occasionally show that he is slowly learning to accept responsibility for his choices. But the interesting thing is that for all his blaming and all his feelings of hatred and all his anger, he feels a lot of anxiety over my health. When I am down with a cold/flu, he usually does "act up" quite a bit (anxiety, change of routine, uncertainty of what to do) but he also dotes on me with numerous offers to make me some tea and to cook supper. He has also occasionally shown anger when I've said no thanks to the offers (wants to help, feels rejected), but he does go out of his way to be caring if I'm sick. And when he isn't having to deal with problems caused by his choices or deal with his anxiety, he can be a very caring family member. It sort of seems like a meadow of wildflowers being paved over with asphalt - every once in awhile the asphalt cracks enough to let the sun through and a flower eventually surfaces. That meadow is still there, it just needs ways to get through to the surface.

As Chef's Mom, it's interesting to see the changes, shifts, movements in my own journey. There was a time when this past weekend would have felt extremely heavy while it was happening and for a number of days afterwards. Now, it's just the way the weekend went. It certainly wasn't a pleasant weekend, but Chef is showing signs of growth and development and for that reason, it was a meaningful and successful weekend. It's barely one day out of this past weekend, and it feels ok. I know that Chef's support at school this year is the best school support he's received so far towards helping him learn how to live a healthy, appropriate, successful life. I know that Chef is growing and developing, and even though he is still struggling with honesty and good choices and taking care of his body, he isn't "rejecting" all of those things as strongly as he seemed to be rejecting them in the past. I know there are community members and friends who are available to help when Chef follows his impulse to run off from somewhere when he's dealing with anxiety (or just wants to go downtown for candy, though that hasn't been his focus this year), and that there are now more folks around who have a better understanding of Chef's needs and the needs of kids who live with similar challenges. But the biggest piece in the okay-ness is seeing Chef learning to work through issues and learning to address them appropriately in a healthy manner. Yes, the tantrum was over an hour long - but it was less than two hours and didn't heighten to an "outside-only" or "chat with the police" level. Yes, it took all weekend to get the dishes started - but Chef relearned and accepted the importance of good attitude and appropriate communication during a time that was very frustrating for him. It was hard work - but he worked at it.

It all takes time.

December 5, 2010

Part B

There wasn't a sound from Chef's room until around 9:30 this morning. A few minutes later, I was in the washroom and heard Chef's door open then close. I left the washroom quietly and peeked in his room. No Chef. I walked downstairs and saw him quickly disappearing around a corner. I walked through the kitchen and into the living to find Chef just starting to duck down between the china cabinet and loveseat. He was wearing only socks and had a blanket wrapped around him (he has gone through/gotten rid of numerous pairs of pajamas). I told him to go back up to his room, followed him upstairs, and told him to get dressed. A few minutes later, I told him it was time for a room check because I didn't know if he'd been sneaking downstairs other times during the night. He made an angry face and grumped at me. I reminded him that he was the one who was breaking rules and when he gets caught breaking a rule, it is not ok to take that out on someone else. He grumped again. I told him he could fix his grump or take it outside. He went outside and immediately did some jumping jacks and I called him in a couple of minutes later after I'd checked his room. There were the usual disturbing items but nothing out of the ordinary. Chef came inside in good space. I asked him to return to his room and to sing so I would know that he was in his room. He is presently singing in his room without issue while I'm doing up this morning's blog entry.

It would be great if Chef participates in school-lunch prep today. He hasn't at all for the past few weekends. When he doesn't participate at all, I don't either. That leaves Chef having to prepare his school lunch the night before or in the mornings. He's been leaving it til mornings, then just grabbing an apple or an apple and some crackers or occasionally some leftovers. He hasn't had consistently good school lunches for two weeks now because of his weekend choices. I wonder if he's tired enough of that to make a change and do some lunch prep today.

***UPDATE: After a late lunch today, Chef shovelled the neighbours' front porch (very small) and made a pathway to the parking lot, then came in and independently made his school lunches without issue. He offered to make supper ("to help make up for how I acted today") and was reminded that he gladly could but he would still need to do weekend chores (two household chores - he is also technically supposed to be doing extra chores to pay back for stolen/damaged items, etc., but is behind just on his regular day-to-day stuff at this point). Chef cooked liver, mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables for supper. It was great. When it was time for dishes, Chef moved very quickly and had the kitchen finished up in about 20 minutes. When I checked the dishes, they weren't clean (I don't mean in a "teenager not cleaning dishes" way or that there were a few missed spots, etc. There were lots of food bits, etc. ) It was great that the usual dragging out of the chore hadn't accompanied the "not cleaning" but it was very clear that Chef again hadn't made an effort to actually wash the dishes. There were no rags for Chef to clean the little washroom downstairs because he's gotten rid of the rags and we weren't over at the thrift shop so he could replace them because he was tantrumming on Saturday. It's all a chain. At this point, I really do believe that it is mostly all a ploy to do whatever it takes to get out of chores. I've suspected that over the years when it came to some things; as time goes on, I'm more convinced. I could be wrong. I realize chores involve a lot of steps and some planning, which is why Chef has written helps to use (which he doesn't use, but he no longer whines, etc., when reminded of using helps), but sneaking through the house to take stuff also requires steps and planning. Repeatedly throwing hard snow/ice at windows also requires steps and planning, evidenced by Chef taking the time to find the "right" pieces and tossing unworthy pieces onto the ground. Independently making his own school lunches requires far more steps and planning, yet Chef is very successful in that area when he makes his lunches on the weekends, and very successful when independently cooking meals otherwise as well.

And so, the chore saga continues...

December 5, 2010

Part A

The past few weekends have all had tantrums. Wait, there was one tantrum-free weekend that took place right after Chef's appointment with his mental health worker and "new" psychiatriast. Chef had stated after the appointment that he was embarassed by what had been discussed during the appointment. That weekend, there were no tantrums. There was the usual not wanting to do chores, etc., but no tantrums. That was new. Usually, after appointments in which concerns are discussed, Chef displays his feelings disrespectfully.

That was a few weekends ago, and there has been a tantrum every weekend since. All the tantrums have been chore/responsibility-related or stealing-related. Chef hates chores or anything that he deems to resemble a chore, and Chef becomes angry if something he has stolen has not been used by him prior to the item being discovered missing. Otherwise, things are going quite well. At this point, all tantrums are redirected to outside of our home because Chef has been destructive inside our home in the past.

Last weekend, we were enjoying a very pleasant weekend together - until around 1pm on Saturday when I discovered $20. was missing from my wallet(which I thought I had hidden well enough, but obviously hadn't). It was about four hours before Chef stopped behaving inappropriately and close to another hour before he admitted that he'd taken the money and hidden it. He tried explaining to me that he needs money to have like other kids. I agreed. I also reminded him that other kids don't spend weeks on end trying to avoid doing a chore, and that they do what they can to earn money rather than stealing it. I asked if he needed me to remind him of the allowance/money-earning system in our home. "No, it's ok," was the reply. On Sunday morning, Chef didn't come out of his room til just before noon and was still showing anger about the money. He was reminded that he could use his anger management tools/activities to help himself feel better and turn things around, or he could take himself outside. He stormed out of the house and started repeatedly kicking the door and ringing the doorbell and raging for just over an hour. Thankfully, the neighbour and I had already arranged for Chef to be at her place Sunday afternoon from 1pm til bedtime. When I opened the door and told Chef he could head over to the neighbours', he stopped, yelled that he was hungry, and that he didn't want to go to the neighbours' place. I agreed that I would be hungry too if I'd spent my lunchtime tanrumming instead of eating. A few minutes later he went over to the neighbours' house. A few days later, he told me he's never tantrumming again because he didn't like having to suddeny go to the neighbours' house. I didn't respond to the comment.

This past Thursday evening, Chef and I went with friends to a Christmas party at an art gallery. The staff were instructing folks on how to make origami ornaments to decorate the gallery's gigantic tree. Chef dove in with enthusiasm. Origami is one of his interests and he is very skilled at picking it up quickly. When he is shown something to make from paper, he will initially make quite a few. If he runs out of paper, he'll just rip some to the necessary sizes to make more. I've been amazed at how tiny some of his cranes have been. Once the novelty wears off, he doesn't do origami again until someone other than me does more and then he's back into making beautiful pieces again. On Thursday, Chef learned how to make an origami Christmas ball and an origami pop-star, and made quite a few for the gallery's tree then brought some home and has been making a few pop-stars since. When I encouraged him to show some of the folks at school how to make then, he said he wasn't going to show anyone at school. I have a sense we'll have a nice number of them to hang in our home for the season though.

On Friday, Chef informed me that there were no rags (again) to do any chores, and he'd already taken close to an hour in the kitchen without having actually washed any dishes. I hadn't been feeling well since Thursday night, and just sent Chef to bed early on Friday. Chef was up at 6am doing exercises on Saturday morning. From my room, I called to Chef to go back in his room til later because it was too early to be doing exercises on a Saturday. Chef went back to his room. At 7am, Chef was out in the hallway doing exercises again. I told Chef he needed to wait until I was up before starting his day. Chef said, "OK" and returned to his room. I was up around 9, but there was no sound from Chef's room until just after 11am, at which point there was banging. When I knocked on his bedroom door, there was no answer. My second knock was met with a loud banging in Chef's room. I opened the door to see Chef sitting on his floor wearing just a shirt and banging his heel against the floor with an angry look on his face. I told him he needed to use his tools and behave appropriately or take himself outside. He looked down at his feet and banged again. I told him to take it outside. Chef stood up, put on a pair of pants and socks, walked down the stairs, put on his outerwear, went outside, then immediately started yelling that he was cold. I opened the door and told him this was his one reminder to work off his anger and then he could come in, that doing something physical would warm him up, and that the sooner he shows he's being appropriate, the sooner he'd be inside. Chef continued to yell and make "foghorn" sounds. He continued yelling and "foghorning" for awhile, then started picking up snow and throwing it at the house. A few minutes later, he started throwing small balls of hard snow at the door, then the window, then would quietly look for large chunks of hard snow and/or ice and hurl them at the window. I wasn't too concerned at that point because he was far enough away that it wasn't making an impact and I figured he'd quickly tire of the physical energy required. Wrong. He was shortly seeking out large chunks of the hard stuff and coming closer to the house to hurl them at the window and at the neighbours' window. I called the police and explained the situation, and that my son needed the message from them that this was not appropriate. I had the blinds closed at a certain angle that allowed me to see out if I stood in a certain place. Chef would scan the living room window, then step back and look up at my bedroom window and hurl snow then look at the living room window again or at the neighbours' house. I saw that after my son would throw at the neighbours' window, he'd then grin and laugh as he turned to pick up more snow. When he'd throw at our window, he'd yell and "foghorn." I called the neighbour to let them know that the police were on their way. When the police arrived, my son told them that he was angry because he knew he had to do exercises. Needless to say, I informed the officers that he usually does an exercise program on his own every morning and that I hadn't allowed him to exercise as early as he'd wanted that morning. I also mentioned Chef's "do anything to get out of chores at all cost" way of thinking and the steps that needed to happen before Chef could come back into the house. I also informed the officers that Chef's usually employed the yelling of, "I'm hungry!" when tantrumming outside if he has tantrummed through a mealtime and missed his meal. The officers were very clear with Chef about the importance of listening to his Mom, and directed him to start doing some physical exercise. They also informed him that if he'd broken either of the windows, they'd be cuffing him and taking him to the youth detention center where he'd have to stay in a tiny room by himself and would only be allowed out for meals and a short break each day. (Unfortunately, that information has never been much of a deterrent for Chef, even when his mental health worker talked with him about it when he was around 8 or so. Chef has stated in the past that he'd like to be able to just sit and do nothing all day.) I informed the officers that the last time I'd called in officers, Chef had started up again as soon as they'd left and that Chef needed to know that we were all on the same page about what would then happen. The officers talked with Chef more about being appropriate and stated that they would be returning to deal with him again if he continued once they left. They stayed and talked with me a few minutes while Chef got into a jumping jacks groove and seemed to be turning things around. I thanked them, they left, Chef continued exercising, and a friend of mine came over to hang out in the house for awhile so Chef would be more willing to get his chores done. Chef came in appropriately and started cleaning up the kitchen appropriately. Then began a few "games" here and there; flitzing dirt from the kitchen doormat out into the living room, removing his dirty sock from his foot to use as a rag because he'd gotten rid of the rags so he wouldn't have to do chores, pretending to be cleaning the bathroom upstairs while we were downstairs but instead going into my bedroom, which I had mistakenly left unlocked, and removing items then hiding them in the bathroom for later retrieval, etc. Chef lied about being in my bedroom and made an angry face. Back outside to deal, but this time he immediately did some exercises. When I asked him if he was ready to come inside and be appropriate and honest, he asked if my friend was still there. I asked him again if he was ready to come inside and be appropriate and honest. He angrily asked if my friend was still there. I closed the door. Chef turned to face the house, pulled his toque over his head, and started foghorning while jumping - then started losing his balance, stopped, put his hat on properly, turned around, and did jumping jacks. A few minutes later, Chef was honest about what items he'd taken from my room and where he'd put them, and started dishes. He finished dishes just before 6pm, had supper, and went to his room. Chores finshed so far this weekend: dishes. Sort of. I still need to weed out the ones that received the "dip,dip,dry" treatment. Chores started: floors.

A Gold-Star Week at Home, Silver for School Marks, Coal for Dishonesty at School

Today is Friday.

What a nice week we've had. Chef has continued his mornings of independent exercise, eating his breakfast without prompts, and getting his lunch items out and packed into his lunchbox without prompts. Hygiene and making it out to the bus on time are not happening. Today Chef went out to the bus barefoot and carrying his sandals again, but today he was running rather than walking.

Yesterday after school, Chef and I walked downtown to meet up with a few of my friends. Chef sat at his own table and read newspapers/magazines. When we got home, Chef independently started his chores and put in his laundry! After supper, Chef cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned up the upstairs bathroom, then spent his "free time" in his room because he'd lost his choice of activities due to choices he's been making at school.

Chef's resource teacher had received an email from Chef's art teacher. Chef has been telling his art teacher that he needs to leave class to go have meds. He hasn't been having meds at school and hasn't been going to the resource room after being excused from his class. We don't know where he's been going after leaving the classroom.

Chef brought home papers yesterday stating that there are a lot of assignments Chef hasn't submitted but he is getting excellent marks.

A lot of positives this week, combined with a pretty big concern.

That Good Ol' Swinging Pendulum

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

This morning, Chef independently got up when the alarm went off the first time, independently did 25(!) minutes of exercise, came downstairs and independently got out his breakfast(!) AND ate it(!), independently got his lunch items together and packed them into his lunchbox AND said he was going to make popcorn to bring along then made the popcorn(!), and only needed prompting during the last few minutes before it was time to leave because he wasn't yet washed or dressed for school.

Wow! This has been a rare and very appreciated morning.

As an aside, Chef asked the other day if people are reading my blogs and I told him that there are readers from a lot of different places. I told him someone from a place called Oman had read the blog, and that I had never heard of Oman and wasn't sure if I was remembering the name of the place correctly. "Oh yeah," Chef replied. "There's a place called Oman. It's on my map."

And Then What Happened?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

We have had two fairly blissful evenings in our home.

Chef has been respectful, pleasant, and enjoyable. He's been smiling and independently interacting with me, his sister, and his niece. He's been independently and sporadically talking about his day. He's been doing his chores quickly and with positive attitude, and has left himself free time in the evenings! He also made supper last night, and prepared potatoes for tonight's supper.

Tonight we watched "The Soloist." I didn't realize there would be such a strong focus on mental illness. Chef and I had quite a few brief conversations during the movie, and will need to revisit some of them.

Mornings remain about the same when it comes to the actual "getting ready to leave" parts, but I have to say that I remain completely amazed that Chef starts his mornings by independently doing exercises. He also ate part of his breakfast again this morning (two mornings in a row!), and again took a better-sized lunch than he had been taking last week (again, two mornings in a row!), including food that I've prepared for him (which has frequently been a pretty big issue!)

For this I am truly thankful.

Tantrum

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It is the Thursday before Thanksgiving. Traditionally, Chef has often not done well with any kind of holiday/celebration. It's yet another change in routine, it's still the beginning of a new school year, he asks almost every day whether or not my daughter and granddaughter are going to be at our place or not and where they are. There always seems to be so much running under the surface for Chef.

On our way to the store today, Chef looked at me and said, "Oh, I have something for you. It's a hug. I haven't given you one in awhile." Then he hugged me.

Wow! THAT is a rarity.

While we were at the store, Chef talked about some things he'd like us to make on the weekend. Fantastic! Chef doesn't usually initiate conversations like that, plus there were some "planning ahead" pieces in that statement! Some of the items required flour. When I reminded Chef that some of those items might have to wait because he'd recently eaten the rice/potato flour, he said, "Ok." I asked him how he'd managed to eat flour just on its own and he said he hadn't - he'd mixed it with vanilla.

Chef had a good evening tonight. We ate supper around 6:30pm, he tossed in his laundry, did some dishes, talked about the painting he'd brought home for me yesterday, we talked about weekend possibilities - all in all, a really nice evening.

And then I saw it.

A link of sausage (about a foot long) from the freezer had found its way to the railing going upstairs. I commented that that looked odd and asked Chef what his plan had been.

"To eat it," he said.
"Is sneaking raw meat from the freezer and putting it in the railing the appropriate way to get food?"
"No."
"What would have been better?"
"To eat something else."
"And sneak it?"
"No. But the package says it's been cooked."
"Does that make it appropriate to take it from the freezer and try to sneak it upstairs?"
"No! But I was hungry!"
"We had supper not long ago. If you were still hungry wouldn't it be better to have more supper or to have an appropriate snack?"
"I want the sausage!!"

Chef's eyebrows went down. His arms crossed. His voice raised. And Chef was reminded that he could either take some time outside to calm down or show that he could be respectful inside. Chef slammed out the door. He had taken his dresser drawers outside awhile back because he had never used them as drawers (except for a few puzzle pieces in one and food hidden under some fabric in another) but was frequently opening then slamming them when something wasn't going his way. He and I had talked about using the drawers for plants on our deck next year. Tonight, 4 out of 6 of them were destroyed. Chef started by banging them up against the house and the door, then started taking them apart and using the wood to hack apart the other drawers. I found it interesting that when I came out to give him his med, he stopped what he was doing, opened his mouth for the med, swallowed, then opened his mouth again to show me he'd swallowed. When I turned and went back into the house, Chef went back to grumping, banging on the house, and destroying the drawers. I called the local crisis unit to have someone on the phone while this was happening. We stayed on the phone while Chef finished with the drawers and agreed to clean up the mess and use his tools (usually exercising, especially if he is outside; inside tools also include reading, art, etc.) to deal with his frustration/tantrumming. When I got off the phone, Chef came running in the house screaming that he couldn't stay outside because there was something scary, then pointed to a tiny kitten on the lawn. Chef has never shown any fear of kittens. I asked if the kitten had surprised him and he said, "Yes, and it shouldn't have done that! I can't be outside with a kitten!" I picked up the kitten. Chef continued his tantrumming and yelled that he wanted to come inside. I reminded Chef that I hadn't seen a turn-around yet and needed to see him put some effort into dealing with his tantrumming. Chef walked away, turned around, folded his arms across his chest, and made a face at me. I closed the door. Chef started kicking/banging against the house and the door, and ringing the doorbell repeatedly and swearing. I took the kitten to our back door and gave it some food on our deck, thinking it might stay there for a bit, then I went back into the house. Chef was still tantrumming out front though he would occasionally pause to stare at the house with arms folded across his chest and an angry expression on his face, but would then go back to the tantrum. He even spent time playing with the kitten, who'd returned to the front yard, and would then go back to tantrumming. I called the police so he would receive the message from someone else that it wasn't ok to do what he was doing. The neighbours also came out and talked with Chef, but he'd initially continued on with the banging/kicking/swearing until I came out and said that I'd call the police. Chef stopped immediately and leaned quietly against the wall with his hands folded in front of him. The police came, talked with him, laughed with him, did a few jumping jacks with him, had him apologize, offered him their business card, and told him to listen to his mom. After they left, Chef and I went into the house and Chef immediately started to say something to me using disrespectful tone but I interrupted him and told him he had a choice of starting all over again by taking it outside to deal with it or turning things around immediately. He then rolled his eyes and started to try to argue. I told him that the message he was giving me was that he wasn't yet finished tantrumming and asked if that was the message he wanted to give.
"No," was the reply. By now it was after 10pm (I'd found the sausage around 8'ish). I said goodnight to him and Chef stomped into his room. I called him and asked him again if he still had some frustration to deal with because that was the message he was giving by stomping away and not responding. He started to roll his eyes and I told him to look at my eyes and take the time to find his calm. I haven't done that in ages and wasn't sure if it would still be beneficial - but Chef's eyes met mine and there was a moment of quiet. I then repeated, "Goodnight, Sweetie. Hope you have a good sleep," and Chef calmly said goodnight and went to bed.

I was just telling someone this afternoon that Chef has come such a long way in his life, and that a lot of his attachment difficulties have been healing (not healed, but healing!) over the years. This evening's trigger was very obviously one that is not historically unfamiliar - when Chef has tried to sneak an item into his room or the bathroom and the item is discovered before he can eat it or use it, he becomes furious. I had discovered the length of sausage before it had made it into his room and before he had a chance to eat it.

Tomorrow I'm going to start a combination of support strategies regarding food and see if a combination might be more beneficial for Chef.

Vanilla (or "And We Parents Become the Stashers")

Today I've been moving food to a locked cupboard. This sure isn't an ideal support tool and hasn't been necessary for quite some time, but those of you who have been following the blog know that the recent transition period has seen the food challenges all back in full swing - and then some!

A few days back, I'd discovered that the large vanilla extract bottle was quite a bit emptier than it had been the last time it was used. I decided to put it away in my room. Today as I was moving food, I found two other vanilla extract bottles at the back of the top shelf of one of the cupboards - both had been drained empty. Needless to say, extract of any kind will no longer be kept in accessible kitchen cupboards.

**UPDATE: My son is due home in a few minutes, so I thought I'd best triple-check the locking doorknob that I've put on the closet then get the closet closed. I'd checked the key/lock before installing the doorknob. I'd checked it again after installing it. Both times, the key unlocked the doorknob. This time? The key didn't unlock the doorknob! My son is about to walk in the door, and all the "cupboard food" is now in an unlocked closet a few feet from his bedroom (because all the food easily fit on a couple shelves in that closet). Once he walks in the door there can't be any more attempts or he'll know that's where it all is and we could have another adventurous night ahead!

Life can be a funny thing at times

"Morning After Respite" and "Food"

Chef came home from respite this morning to get his lunch about 15 minutes before his bus would arrive.

When he walked in the front door, he had some difficulty maneuvering around his "stuff" he's been piling for a few days in the front entrance - there were about 6 small items in total that were supposed to be for the outside garbage bin and a small plastic bag for the thrift shop. It was a small pile, but a pile nonetheless, and certainly didn't belong in the front entrance where it would cause problems for Chef using the door. Natural consequences.

When reminded (again!) that the front entrance would be easier to use once the pile is cleared up, Chef chose to clear it up! He did so in three parts; two trips to the bin, then down the lane to the thrift shop with the small bag. Just before he returned, the school division called to say his bus wouldn't be running today due to a medical emergency. I told them I'd work on figuring out transportation and if I couldn't then I'd just keep Chef home. I made a couple plan changes, and was phoning the school when my neighbour rang our doorbell. This was all happening within the first 15 minutes of Chef arriving home. Not fun for me; that much more difficult for Chef. Ah, Monday mornings.

I noticed Chef was wearing a dirty, wrinkled shirt when he came home, so I asked him to change it before heading off to school. He made a face and told me it was clean. I pointed out where it was dirty. This was not received well - our short morning together had been very busy thus far. I told Chef to take a bit of time in his room to just relax and find his focus.

A few minutes later, I called Chef down to get his lunch from the counter and go out to the deck. I'd put everything out on the counter (apple,carrots, peppers, rice/beef casserole), he just needed to pack the items into his lunchbag. Instead, Chef opened the fridge. I pointed out that there were lunch items on the counter for him and that his lunchbag was still in the living room where he'd left it last week. He said, "Ok" and kept looking in the fridge. I told him there wasn't time for anything else and that he needed to get his lunch and go out to the deck. With eyebrows down, he got his lunch items together and carried them out the door.

I've often talked with Chef about preparing "dessert" items together, such as cream puffs or rice krispie cake to take in his lunches with the idea that he would have something right in his lunch that would be immediately available for him when he feels like seeking carb-type foods otherwise. I still think this would be a very beneficial idea for Chef's lunches, though his responses to this have been varied - usually he just doesn't want to make items on the weekends, the ingredients often disappear before the items are made, or the items I make disappear en masse, leaving nothing for lunches. When Chef was in his younger grades (and prior to going gluten-free!), the lunches I packed for him were so large that the top of the lunch bag couldn't fold over. In addition, he also had access to snacks that I brought to school for him on a weekly basis. Chef still secretly and successfully sought out food otherwise - food belonging to other students, staff, the food collection box in the hallway at Christmas, etc., etc. At one point, Chef also had open access to a snack shelf in his classroom; I don't recall if he ever accessed it at all, but he still sought out food otherwise. Food remains a very challenging area for Chef when he does not have an adult with him.

Respite Weekend

Last night after supper, Chef agreed that he needed to get his laundry done so he didn't have to worry about it the rest of the weekend, and said he would ask his sister for permission to go into the basement (because she is home and he has to walk through her room to get to the laundry room) as soon as she was finished with what she was doing. I told him that in the meantime I needed to chat with him. Our neighbour had told me that the last time Chef was at her place he was loudly and repeatedly passing wind and laughing. I reminded Chef that that isn't ok in our home and certainly not ok to do in the neighbours' home either. I told him he could go up to his room to think about that while waiting for his sister. I called him about three minutes later. No response. I called him again a couple of minutes later. Nothing. His sister finished what she was doing. After chatting with her a bit, I quickly ran an errand. I glanced up at Chef's window from outside and noticed his light was off. When I got home and peeked into Chef's room, he was sound asleep. I'd planned to talk with him about the weekend but sure wasn't about to wake him up to do so.

The weekend is a music and culture weekend event. Chef has previously attended, though has always participated very passively. One time, he did agree to attend a workshop on his own while I attended one (he has known most of the musicians for quite a few years, so he feels fairly comfortable around most of them). He was the only one in his workshop, so he had an hour of individual music instruction. That was awesome! With me being a musician, Chef has had much exposure to the music community, has attended many group performances, and has performed a few times with our group as well (including one time when he played part of a tune as a solo at a public indoor market and one time when he was even on stage with us at the Concert Hall). And though he's chosen to no longer play any instruments for the time being, he definitely still benefits from being at events. However, given the way things were around camping, and the cultural event in August, and him (suddenly not!) attending the music retreat in July, and the fact that Chef has often said to our neighbour, "I didn't want to go anyway" regarding music events, I chose to do this weekend on my own. Sometimes I feel like 24/7 staff whose only time off is when Chef is asleep or at school or with a respite provider. So even with recognizing all the social benefits and feel-goods this event may have provided for Chef - sometimes, I just need a break.

This morning, Chef independently started his day again with 20 minutes of exercising. Awesome! This was followed by much rushing-around-but-not-really-doing-anything. As of this morning, Chef has now agreed that he will go back to eating breakfasts that I make, so we will re-start that next week. I'm glad he has come to the point of recognizing that benefit.

Unfortunately, Chef was out and waiting for the bus before there was a pause for me to talk with him about the weekend (for those of you unfamiliar with Chef's challenges, there have been many times when I've started preparing Chef for something different a few days or more before the event, only to have Chef be all over the map for the entire time leading up to the event - it's always tricky trying to find that balance). When I told him I'd be going away and that he'd be at the neighbour's - he cried! This completely caught me off-guard. When I told him I was going for a music weekend (thinking he'd say he didn't want to go anyway), he continued to cry and said that he wanted to come. I was stunned. There wasn't much time before the bus. I asked if he'd put in his laundry so he had free time on the weekend, and regretted asking that question as soon as it was out of my mouth - as though he were missing the weekend away with me because he didn't do his laundry. I hugged him and told him there would be other music weekends together and that I hoped he'd have a great weekend. He dried his face and walked to the bus.

Balance

I've often said, if it weren't for times of issue around school (sensory stressors around bright lights and hallways and crowds and noise, etc., having to get ready in the morning, etc) and chores and lying and stealing and hygiene and responsibility, everything would be fine.

I'm sure many of us have seen someone walk in the door at the end of the day and dump their backpack on the floor or toss their briefcase onto a chair, then flop down on the couch with an exaggerated exhale and a non-relaxed look on their face. They've held it together all day through thick and thin, then they come home and need a place to just relax.

For Chef, frustrations and anxieties are almost always reserved just for home. This is where he can dump everything and know that he will be supported in continuing to learn to dump appropriately. Chef also knows that there is an expectation here for him to continue to learn to use the tools he's been given and trained to use when it comes to anger/stress management. And he also knows that he will be continue to be supported in continued learning and growing to become a contributing member of his family and community.

And unlike the person who can walk in their door and flop then exhale and vent a bit then move on with their evening, Chef's anxieties and frustrations are sometimes delayed or skewed and are communicated through other "behaviours" either in response to something or as a prelude to something he's anticipating.

Aside from all those times (which can sometimes take up the bulk of an entire day or evening or even weekend if there have been issues), Chef and I have a lot of nice moments (good talks while walking, "Mom, would you like some tea?", good talks when driving somewhere, enjoying nature walks, "Mom, there's something over here you could take a picture of", watching videos together, "Yes, Mom", etc., etc., etc.) When Chef is in good space and not in the midst of dealing with issues/behaviours/ consquences, etc., it really is very pleasant being Chef's Mom.

T is for Tuesday Evening

It's another beautiful Autumn day. As soon as Chef came home from school, we went for a short walk to pick up some eggs. We chatted on the way there and back. Chef said he's going to look at hair samples through a microscope in science, and that he's very glad the school has Microsoft 2010. He likes his art teacher. We continued a previous conversation about plans for Friday; I have an afternoon and an evening performance, both out of town. Chef always comes to the place where we're performing in the evening, so we've been chatting about what might and might not work as far as transportation. If he doesn't come with me during the day, he won't be able to be there for the evening and I don't have a care provider for him who can keep him as late as needed. He doesn't want to miss anything fun that might be happening at school (Excellent!! A far far cry from just a few years back when he did anything and everything possible not to go to school!) but it looks like that's what's going to have to happen. I told him we could look at it as a volunteer event for him; if he returns to playing his pennywhistle or decides to participate in performing at some point (he says he wants to sing and has been working on a specific song), then he will earn some of the money I receive for the overall performance. "Volunteering" at performances once in awhile beforehand gives him the opportunity to see what it's like to perform in different environments and he's great with seniors and seniors love him, so Friday should be a positive life experience for him, aside from missing school. We also made our supper plans. Chef has decided that gravy is awesome, so asked about gravy and potatoes with supper. We decided he'd get the potatoes going on the stove and I'll do up homemade chicken patties with gravy and apples. Once he had the potatoes going, Chef and a young neighbourhood friend picked dandelion leaves and roots for us to freeze for using in winter (http://health.msn.com/nutrition/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100256169&imageindex=13). I had to chuckle because I told Chef that it was really important to get roots but we needed lots of leaves as well. When I checked a few minutes later, the report was that they'd given up on roots because they were too difficult. "No problem," I said. "If you manage to get any roots I'll pay you for them but just focus on the leaves otherwise." A few minutes later, Chef came inside and said they had a bunch of roots ;-)

We had supper, watched a bit of a video that Chef had put in then Chef started dishes. A few minutes later, I remembered he hadn't had a rest after school so he had a rest then came down to finish dishes. He was almost finished almost an hour later, but when I checked the dishes I discovered that only two had actually been cleaned. The rest had received the ol' "wet 'n wipe" treatment. I wasn't about to have Chef continue on into the evening doing dishes (for both our sakes!) but he knows that he doesn't have free time til dishes are done so it was off for a quiet early evening in his room at 8pm. Around 8:10 I heard snoring.

Homeschool Day

This morning, Chef got up, exercised, had breakfast, washed and dressed and was ready to go in short order. We walked downtown and our first stop was watching one of the parking lots being repaved. Chef seemed very taken by it all. We talked about what steps were involved in the paving. Chef had just told me that he wondered how the new asphalt felt when one of the workers walked over with a pail and spewed water across the new surface. Chef seemed pretty impressed with the steam that rose up. We walked for awhile and chatted, took some photos, went to the bank, went to the post office to pick up some 3D glasses to watch a tv documentary Chef wanted to see about Queen Elizabeth, stopped for a tea/coffee break where Chef immediately immersed himself in reading the papers, then went over to the library. Chef researched the nutritional value and uses of dandelions, recipes, and had just started looking at WWII sites when his computer time was up. He then read for a bit before we headed back outside. We walked and took more photos and talked. Chef shared anxieties he'd been experiencing throughout the first week at school; hazing ("They talk about it every day over the intercom, so I can tell they're expecting it to happen, and I'm just a small guy so I can't protect myself if someone gets me"), crowds/noise in the hallways ("I try to walk way over to the side and try to get into a room as fast as I can"), getting lost ("I get confused and there are lots of stairs and hallways"), feeling alone and scared ("It's a really big place and I don't know what to do if I don't have an adult with me"). The school and I had been communicating through the day and Chef's resource teacher told me that Chef had also been frustrated when he couldn't independently go online in one of his classes on Thursday (being independently online is an earned privilege/responsibility in our family) and that there had been an unexpected change in EA's Thursday morning.

Chef also told me that when he goes into his room and refuses to come out, it's because he doesn't want to hurt anyone or damage anything. Wow!! Huge huge kudos went to him for his insight and self-discipline in keeping himself and his family and his environment safe all those times, and for sharing that with me!

We talked about how I had misinterpreted him being in his room as being "on strike" and trying to get "his own way" by refusing to do anything, then talked about the great self-control he's been showing and how great it was that he had communicated that to me. We also talked a bit about recognizing balance between taking time for what he needs to do for self-control and the time he needs for other things (eating, preparing for the next day, enjoying time with family and friends, hobbies, etc) and how sometimes it takes time to find that balance while still living with the natural consequences of time not waiting for what needs to be done otherwise.

Chef's support worker who usually picks him up after school now on Mondays picked him up around 1:00 and they spent the afternoon together. Chef had told me at one point that he wants to sweep the parking lot on Mondays at one of the local shops from where he's stolen. He and his support worker set that up then hung out at the library.

Chef was in great space throughout the evening. He did a couple chores (not dishes, I'm too tuckered for that today!) and completed them quickly, then watched the documentary and part of the movie (The Queen) that followed. At 9:30 he said he was too tired to stay awake anymore and went up to bed.

An all-around very nice day!

Pause for Station Identification

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Chef's day-to-day challenges, some of the diagnoses he carries are PDD-NOS(Autism), ADHD, Attachment Disorder, Developmental Coordination Disorder, and brain damage from birthmom's drug use. One doctor had also put Hypotonia on his chart; my son has problems digesting some foods. He is also extremely drawn to almost any food and is capable of ingesting huge amounts of food very quickly - he's been both hospitalized and had his stomach pumped due to food choices. He often makes choices that cause problems for him and then becomes frustrated when those choices don't work or cause other problems for him, then misdirects that frustration. Without constant and consistent support, he will usually make many bad choices and his resulting frustration escalates. He has difficulty with controlling impulses, consistently remembering and/or putting into action what he needs to do each day, learning from consquences, learning new routines, coping with crowds/noise, controlling anger/managing stress, etc., etc. For more information, please see http://www.minddisorders.com/Del-Fi/Executive-function.html.

Chef presents very well.  He's a handsome young man with gorgeous eyes. He has a very sweet, gentle, pleasant nature about him when he isn't living in the storm of his challenges. He now knows enough kids at school well enough to feel comfortable enough to participate well in class and joke around with other students and teachers. He also has started to greet people independently without verbal prompts, and knows that it doesn't work to wear pyjamas to school or to be naked outside. He has learned that it doesn't work to try to make friends by jumping onto older students' backs or latching himself onto their leg and refusing to let go. He still seems to believe that giving stuff to people is the best (read "quickest") road to friendship, and that no one should ever talk with him about anything that he might have taken or suspect him of lying. He often displays creativity in doing whatever he thinks might work to get out of doing any, but my son is capable of doing quite a few household chores. Yes, it took (and still takes) a LOT of brain-training! And he does a great job of doing his laundry independently when he is in good space. He is great with computers, and he's a fantastic cook! (More to follow...)http://findthesimplethings.blogspot.com/2010/09/finding-balance.html

September 9, 2010

I was wrong.

Chef hadn't done his chores yesterday. Normally, he'd have a free pass on chores the first day of school in exchange for other enjoyable/relaxing activities. However, because he has gone back to only occasionally doing his chores lately, he still needed to clean up the kitchen after supper last night and clean up the bathroom.

Chef sounded like he was doing his chores and on initial glance, the kitchen looked cleaned up. I discovered this morning, however, that bits that should have been swept up from the kitchen floor had just been swept into less conspicuous places; under the cupboards, under the table, into the bathroom, down the hall, etc. There were dirty dishes in the cupboards. And though the bathroom smelled very "clean" it actually wasn't at all, meaning Chef probably did what he's done many times in the past - just dumped cleaner (vinegar) in the bathtub.

He'd also said he'd packed his lunch and even listed off what he'd put in his lunchbag - and I mistakenly believed him without checking. This morning his lunchbag only contained empty containers from yesterday's lunch. Chef grumped about having to still pack his lunch, grumped about me having to check his lunch, grumped about having to clean up a mess he'd left on the floor the night before, and when it was time to go out for the bus he kept moving slowly til he was almost late, then got dressed outside.

He did, however, have clothes on when the bus arrived, was wearing his glasses, and got on the bus with his (now packed!) lunchbag and his school supplies. So - was on his way to school and leaving a bit of a wake behind at home.

When he got home from school, there was no time for his after-school rest because we have additional plans for this evening so he needed to finish his chores from yesterday so we can enjoy the evening and start preparing for the weekend. He accepted the news, with the understanding that he would have had time for a rest if he had done his chores yesterday (still learning that it doesn't work to stockpile chores or pretend to do them or lie about having done them). Chef arrived home at 3:30pm and is almost finished cleaning up what he left in the kitchen from yesterday. It is 5:30pm....

After supper, I told my son he had 10 minutes to get the supper dishes done. They were done in 10 minutes.

First Day of Grade 10

Day 1. Success.

What a beautiful day!

My son came off the bus and slowly walked to the door with his arms hanging down in front of him and his hands locked together with his lunchbag handle in-between. There was little, if any, expression on his face.

When he came inside, he said his now-usual, "hulLO?" It took years of teaching/prompting before my son started saying "hi" or "hello" (when he came in the door, when he saw people, when he opened the door to let someone in, anytime that would be appropriate to say hello) without being prompted so the fact that he now says it on his own is very cool.

We chatted for just a few minutes before my son had his afterschool rest. (We learned during Gr. 8 that my son still does much better in the evening if he has a rest time when he gets home from school.) He was snoring within minutes of going into his room around 3:30 and didn't wake up til almost 5:30. During supper, he talked about his day: it was nice that not all the students were there yet, he ate lunch outside on the hill with a friend who used to play Starcraft with him last year and an EA who didn't introduce himself, then had 20 minutes in each class just to get used to the schedule. "It was really neat that not everyone was there today"...."I really liked that not everyone was there today because then it wasn't so full and we got to have a different kind of day"...."Tomorrow everyone will be there so I'm glad we had today the way it was."

After supper, my son did the dishes AND his chores AND relaxed outside while he did up his "lists" to put into a small album to carry with him. (For years, I've been doing up different aids for my son to use independently so he doesn't always need so many prompts from me for everyday things - but he would always destroy them and then show anxiety/anger when he couldn't remember things but didn't want me reminding him, or would turn to me for all the many many "helps" he needed throughout the day.) One list, for example, is of the steps that are necessary in order to clean up the kitchen. Another is a list of how to get ready for school in the morning. When I went outside to see how he was doing with it, he showed me that he'd even written up a list of items he needs to replace. I'd started creating aids for my son when he was 5 and stopped when he was in Gr. 6 or 7 because he was still continuing to destroy them. It's taken many many months of discussion and natural consequences of my son having difficulties from living with his choices to get to the point where he's realizing that sometimes life is just a little bit easier/smoother with some aids. Needless to say, I was thrilled to see his decision this evening!

By 8:15, he was asking about bedtime. By 8:30 he was snoring.