Glasses at Last!

June 10, 2011

Chef took his glasses to school today!

He also brushed his teeth, and it seemed as though he would take his lunch - he opened the freezer, put his hand into the freezer, paused, was reminded he needed to be out for the bus, removed his (empty) hand, closed the freezer door, walked slowly over to the fruit baskets, picked up a mango and a grapefruit, picked up his glasses, went outside, and started doing some morning exercises. I'll need to explore the "hand reaching into the freezer, removing still-empty hand from freezer without lunch item" with him later. When I intially asked him about it this morning, he said he pulled out his hand because he heard me talking and knew he had to look at my eyes so he closed the freezer door so he could see me. Excellent listening skills recall! The only problem is that he was already going towards the fruit as he closed the freezer door. So maybe "listening skills" was the initial message in his brain but the thought of picking up the fruit interrupted? I asked if his hand couldn't have just picked up the lunch item while it was right there, or did he just not want to take that in his lunch. He said he didn't know.

Last night, after yet another evening of not doing dishes, I asked Chef to sit outside by me while I worked on some deck-gardening. We talked about goals. Chef said his goal is to go to school - excellent life goal! I started asking him questions about the various steps involved in going to school, and kept working backwards until we got back to taking care of one's body, taking care of responsibilities at home, etc. Chef said he didn't want to do jobs at home because he only wants a good job where he can earn lots of money. Of course, we reviewed the ol' "need to show success in small jobs before taking on big ones." I explained (again!) that not everyone likes doing every kind of job, especially when it comes to chores at home, but that they need doing regardless. Chef nodded and said that he doesn't want to do chores. I reminded him that he needed some way of paying back for items he's stolen/damaged. He looked surprised, as though he had forgotten that part. I asked him if he could think of other ways to earn money to repay for items in that category (one past idea was "to make a picture that you could buy from me then I'd give you some of the money" - and I'm pretty sure he seriously thought that was a workable plan! When I offered to do up a website where he could sell pictures, plus numerous other ideas offered to him for making money, he's never shown interest or a willingness to start on anything along those lines). We've explored this possibility before, but this time he just shook his head. I reminded him that the sooner he does some extra chores, the sooner he'd be caught up and the sooner he'd have more spending money. I also told him that I would love to support him in applying for part-time summer jobs this summer but he has to show a willingness to work at home first. He again said that he only gets a little money til then so he doesn't want to work.

If anyone has ideas in this area, feel free to share them! Right now, my approach is to continue to support him in learning through repetition. Incentives historically have not been beneficial (and generally "don't work" with children living with attachment disorder). In the meantime, if you plan on dropping by sometime this afternoon or this evening, bring your own clean cup ;-)

Someone reminded me of something the other day. When a child with attachment disorder is exhibiting some challenges that differ than usual or are of a higher degree, sometimes it's because there's been growth or that they are feeling a healthier attachment and that brings about a sense of fear/panic in them. I think sometimes we forget how scary it is for some kids when they're healing. Chef's grown alot this year. That's been evident in many areas.

When I used to work with adults with disabilities, we'd often talk about putting ourselves in the shoes of the adults for whom we provided support. One individual needed help in using the washroom and sometimes showed frustration in the washroom. Well, there may have been other reasons as well for the frustration, but I'd feel frustrated if I always needed help in that area every single time every single day. And every single day, Chef needs to figure out how to function in this world that he doesn't even understand in so many areas, and he has to do so with a brain that doesn't always function the way he needs it to function and with a perception that makes the world a very confusing place at times. For all these reasons, I believe Chef's doing very well.

But yes, he still needs to do the dishes ;-)

Lunch at Last!

June 9, 2011

Morning:

Chef took his lunch to school! And an entire lunch at that - stew, a mango, a grapefruit. He also picked up a loaf of bread and had intended to take that as well then put it down when he was reminded to take only some of the loaf and to wrap it or put it in a container.

I asked Chef why he hadn't changed his shirt yet this week. "Because I didn't have a bath last night." The schoolbus was already waiting, so I didn't continue the conversation at that point but I'll be exploring that statement with Chef tonight to find out what he meant. Maybe Chef's understanding of putting on a clean shirt after having a bath means the ONLY time you put on a clean shirt is after having a bath. Hmmm.

Partway through the morning I received a text from Chef's EA asking about Chef's glasses because Chef had told his EA that I wouldn't let him have them. I have two thoughts on this - either he's doing his usual and blaming me for his actions and/or choices OR he's confusing the conversations regarding his old glasses, which are to now stay home (though he knows his new glasses are to be at school and he's had numerous reminders to take them there).

This weekend a friend has offered to take us along for a tour of various artists' studios. As often happens regarding such events, I'm torn. As Chef's Mom, I know this would be a beneficial opportunity for him and would create some positive memories in his life. But also as Chef's Mom, it sure would be nice to have some time alone with friends and just focus on myself for a change during an event...shockingly, even with the way Chef has behaved her lately, my neighbour has offered to take Chef for the day so I could have the day to myself. The catch is, that as relaxing as that sounds, I have a sense that I'd be waiting all day for the phonecall saying Chef had run off from her place or was causing problems for her, and that I'd be dealing with his anger all the next day. On the other hand, there is never a guarantee that Chef will go along somewhere. The only thing for certain right now is that I won't be telling Chef anything until Friday evening or possibly Saturday morning because there's always a strong risk that Chef will "act out" if he knows in advance that we're going somewhere new or there's a change in his general routine. Right now, though, I'm definitely leaning towards bringing him along on the studio tour and hoping that the memories from that day will make it all worthwhile.

I've been looking for volunteers for this summer; folks who would be willing to commit to spending at least one hour a week with Chef to take him to the park or swimming, etc. I've put a request on Facebook and have sent emails to the local colleges. My hope is that having different people doing different activities with him throughout the summer would help Chef continue to grow in his social skills and accept a broader variety of people in his life, as well as provide a bit of respite time. It would definitely be of benefit to students who are studying in certain fields, and volunteer opportunities are always good for community-building. We sure haven't had much success in finding individuals to work with Chef otherwise, but I'm hoping that an hour a week will be do-able for some folks who are community-minded.

Morning Brain

June 8, 2011

Today was Day #3 of Chef going to school without his lunch. He's back to waiting til the very last minute to get ready for the bus regardless of how much or how little time he has in the morning. He has lunch servings of one of his favourite stews frozen in the kitchen freezer and there are baskets of fruit on the table/counter. There are days when I've even removed the stew from the freezer and set it out with fruit for him to pick up and reminded him to take his lunch - and yet it is still sitting in the same place as he makes his mad dash out the door once the bus arrives. (There are many times that Chef does bring his lunch. In fact, there are many times that Chef prepares his own lunches AND brings them to school. Other times - well, not so much. Lately, the most consistency there's been with lunches going out the door and breakfast being eaten has been on mornings when I have put Chef's lunch and a portable breakfast item outside for Chef. And while that "works" as far as ensuring he's getting food into his belly, it doesn't work when it comes to supporting independence.) When I've asked what he's been eating for lunch, he says he hasn't been eating anything but his school staff has told me other times that when Chef doesn't bring his lunch, other kids share with him. This is the first year when that's been ok with a school - this is also the first year that Chef hasn't been sneaking food from other students' lunches regardless of whether or not he has his own lunch. This morning, Chef grabbed a mango and an orange on his way out the door.

During the past weekend, Chef found his new glasses that he'd misplaced shortly after receiving them. They look so nice on him! I reminded him to bring his broken glasses home from school on Monday so he could trade and have his broken glasses at home and his nice new ones at school. Chef did great - brought his old glasses home on Monday! His new glasses, however, continue to sit in the front hallway about 3-4 feet from the door. I asked him again this evening how things are going at school without glasses (terribly!) and reminded him again that he needs to bring his glasses to school.

We had an incredible storm last night, complete with lightning, hail, and very loud thunder. Chef and I were out chatting with a neighbour earlier this evening and she asked Chef if the storm had woken him. Chef shrugged and said he'd slept through it. I smiled and reminded Chef that it wasn't long ago when a storm like that would have had him screaming and panicking.

It's definitely nice to look back and see so much growth over the years.

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service?

June 8, 2011

Chef came home from school in good space yesterday. He usually has a rest time when he gets home and yesterday was no exception - snoring was heard in short order and there were no other sounds from Chef's room for nearly 2 hours. Chef came into the kitchen wearing just a shirt; a long-sleeved, button-up shirt that covered
"everything" well, but just a shirt nonetheless. I raised my eyebrows.

"Really? Is wearing just a shirt appropriate?"
"I can't find my shorts for at home" (because Chef is back down to just one pair of pants, he has a pair of shorts that he changes into when he comes home from school and has been using them as pyjamas as well)
"You can't find them?"
"I left them at school."
"Should they have gone to school?"
"No."
"Tell me what should have happened this morning."
"I should have gotten dressed before the bus came."
"What do you need to do now?"
"Put on my robe."
"Quickly. Then we'll do supper on the deck."

I went into the washroom and when I came out I noticed Chef's robe still on the living room chair but I knew I'd heard the back door. Sure enough, when I glanced out, there was Chef sitting on a chair on the deck, eating. Shirt only.

"Is this appropriate?"
"Um. No. I was hungry."
"I don't want your bare bottom on one of my chairs. Get off the chair immediately and get your robe."

I came inside without closing the door behind me, thinking Chef was following. He wasn't. I glanced back out the window and saw him sitting on the deck, eating.

"What did we just talk about that you need to do?"
"Um. Get my robe?"
"Exactly. Get your robe on. Find your focus or your willingness to do what you need to do, whatever it is you need to find to move on appropriately with your evening, find it now."

Chef stood up and started doing some jumping jacks.
"I don't want to see your penis when I look out the window, and the folks across the way sure don't need a show. Come inside, put on your robe, find your focus."

Thump.Thump.Thump. Chef was now doing jumping jacks with his shirt tucked between his legs.

"Dude! To your room. Immediately."
"I'll look dumb in a robe!"
"To your room."

As Chef walked past the living room chair, he glanced down at his robe and said, "Oh, there it is."

When Chef was called down a few minutes later, he immediately put on his robe.

Chef remained in good space the rest of the evening. At one point, he asked again whether we're going to any music performances this summer, chatted again about how his EA is leaving for Africa, we talked a bit about again at how surprised I was that he hadn't wanted to finish a can of iced tea the other day because it was too sweet for him. When Chef started dishes, I went up to see how things were in his room since the ripped-open lining of the armchair and books had been discovered. The concern was that the neighbour thought that the first item Chef had thrown onto her deck was likely a screw or something along those lines. I'd noticed awhile back that Chef had removed a couple of the nails out of the back of his computer desk. And he'd started more toenail collections. All in all, time to do a safety check.

And there they were - little piles of staples that had been removed from the underside of the armchair. The chair's been in Chef's room for over a month, I think, and the lining was just torn open within the past week. The staples will have been removed within the last two days. I'm still not sure when Chef will have taken the pile of books upstairs, nor how he got them home without any of us noticing. I do know that he's sometimes done such in stages; hidden something outside then stealthily brought it inside at some point and hidden it somewhere else, etc. Sometimes he's even forgotten about items he's hidden. I don't usually watch Chef walk from the bus anymore, and there have been a couple of days here and there when my daughter has been home when Chef has arrived at home, so there are possibilities there for stolen books to make their way into the house. Chef always does "a check" before going up to his room, but not always when he is going upstairs under the guise of cleaning the upstairs bathroom so there's that possibility. Hmmm.

At any rate, it's clearly no longer safe for the chair to be in Chef's room. He brought it downstairs and took it out to the trash, along with the remainder of the nails I'd pulled out from his computer desk.

And with that, we called it an early night and Chef was soon snoring upstairs.

Disrespecting the Neighbours

June 7, 2011

I missed an item on the "what is in Chef's room" list. He also had an old "valet" (for men to hang suit jackets, a little shelf for change, etc.) we'd picked up at the thrift shop quite some time ago.

I was reminded of it when our neighbour showed up at our door last night at 10pm. She held out a piece of wood that had a large metal tab on the side, and told me that had been thrown onto her deck. She said just prior to the wood landing on her deck, there had been a different sound similar to maybe a screw being thrown against wood. My mind wandered through possibilities but also realized there was a slight familiarity about this piece of wood with a large metal tab with the words, "Made in Italy" imprinted on it. Then I realized - Chef's valet. What had landed on the neighbours' deck was the top part of the valet. I went up to Chef's room and told him he needed to come downstairs. He pretended to be angry that I'd woken him and very grumpily sauntered down the stairs.

This neighbour used to provide respite/childcare for Chef when I was working. The more he was the there, the more disrespectful Chef became towards her and her children (who live with various disabilities) and the more things began to fall apart to the point where I no longer had anyone to provide care/support for Chef. To date, Chef continues to harass/disrespect this neighbour and her family at times if he believes I am not in earshot or can't see what he's doing.

To make a long story short, Chef vehemently denied that he had any knowledge of anything landing on the neighbours' deck. He feigned anger at the neighbours for lying about him and at me for believing the neighbours instead of believing him. From 10:00pm til 11:15ish, Chef swore, grumped, and showed many inappropriate responses to the situation he'd created and at the reminders to use his management tools. He did, however, take the valet over to the thrift shop drop-off area as requested. Around 11:15ish, Chef went for a run and by 11:30pm he was back in bed.

This morning, Chef slept through his alarm and through a reminder from me that it was time to get up. When I told him his bus had arrived, however, he jumped up and flew down the stairs, making faces at me and attempting to blame me for him having slept so late. I reminded him that his morning would have gone easier if he hadn't done what he'd done the night before, reminded him that his lunch was on the kitchen counter, and reminded him that he would need to get dressed at school rather than outside (which is what he has often done if he waits til the bus arrives before getting ready to leave). Chef grabbed his clothes and ran out the door wearing the old jean shorts he's recently been wearing as pyjamas.

Restitution: Chef will be paying his allowance to the neighbour for the inconvenience/disrespect/risk of property damage from last night, and will be sweeping her deck and steps for the next week to practice being a good neighbour and good community member.

Books

June 6, 2011

Chef's bedroom is fairly empty

Right now, it contains a computer desk (which is slowly being taken apart), a mattress, what is left of the bench from when the piano keyboard was in Chef's room, an upholstered armchair, and a laminated map which Chef keeps on the floor beside his mattress.

After years of continuing to attempt to create a nice space for Chef and then attempting to help Chef create a nice space only to have numerous items just not last very long within those four walls, Chef stated that he feels better with nothing in his room. Kudos for self-awareness and communication.

Books in the bedroom are a bit of a tricky area though. We have tons of books, and Chef is a great reader. But books in the bedroom are a different creature - they've kept Chef up at night making it nearly impossible for him to function the next day, they've woken others in the night when they've dropped onto the floor, they've had pages torn out and turned into teeny bits of paper ball lined up along the bedroom baseboards or made into spitballs to decorate the bedroom ceiling or turned into paper airplanes and flown out the bedroom window (years ago, some even had notes written on them, something to the effect of, "Please help! My mother has been in the hospital for weeks and I have been here by myself. Please go to shoppers and get me cereal and chips. If you don't do this, imagine how you are making someone feel"), and there have been times when books have been the reason that Chef seems "off" on an occasional evening.

For all those reasons and then some, Chef does presently have limited access to books. Magazines can be in the bedroom anytime at all as long as they are magazines that belong to Chef. Books, however, are not to be in his bedroom unless they are his own or he has asked permission to borrow someone else's book, and they can only be in his bedroom during certain times - anytime (free time) on the weekend as long as they are brought back downstairs before going to bed Sunday night, and anytime (free time) during the week as long as they are brought back downstairs before bedtime.

The exception: no sneaking/hiding books upstairs. As mentioned earlier, there have been times that Chef has seemed "off" during an evening/afternoon and it has later been discovered that his goal was to be sent to his room so he could read. Reading as a goal? Awesome. Trying to get sent to your room? Not cool. Such was the case today. Six books tucked into the ripped lining on the underside of the armchair. So we chatted. The lining and the books have been removed. Chef is in bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

Turnaround Day!

After ten days of backed-up chores, I am happy to announce that Chef did a turnaround. He caught up on his previous chores, did his present chores, and surprised me with a kiss on the cheek and some lilacs that he'd picked! When asked why he was suddenly doing his chores, he said he was tired of seeing everything pile up and he didn't want everything to pile up more.

Since then, Chef has been doing his chores and helping with some extra family projects. He is also cleaning up messes he's made (with prompting but without acting out even though he appears frustrated/sad at the time) and is once again a positively-participating and contributing family member.

Stress

There was a time when it was anybody's guess as to what may have been bothering Chef on any given day when "behaviour" was the bulk of Chef's communication regarding how he was feeling. There was also a delay in how he responded to stress.

Lately, however, Chef has been frequently talking about his EA leaving for Africa sometime next year. He's also asked about which music festivals/ activities we might take part in this summer. AND, Chef recently stated that one of the reasons he doesn't like taking his meds is because he feels a bit dizzy around mid-morning when he takes his meds. Progress. Self-awareness. Communication.

It feels good to have days when the focus just needs to be on prompts and reminders and communication skills and developing lifeskills. And it feels wonderful to see Chef continuing to grow and develop.