Food Bank Days

I've recently noticed that after our last three trips to the food bank, Chef acts up at home. This past time, Chef was very, very chatty about and very, very visually-focused on the food in the room at the food bank. He was quiet on the drive home with a friend of mine, then became very very chatty about the food bank food again once we were home and were unpacking the food, and continued to be very very chatty about it while making supper he offered to make. The high degree of chattiness was concerning since that's usually an indicator that Chef is pretty wound up inside, but all seemed fine - until Chef was reminded that he needed to wipe out the sink before washing dishes. The rest of the evening was not fun at all.

Going to the food bank seems to be an enjoyable outing for Chef when it comes to choosing food items, discovering what's in our pre-packed bag, seeing all the many many bread items and being told he can choose 3 or 4, seeing the large packages of cheese (Chef's been back on dairy now for over a year though in small amounts every day and very small amounts at a time due to digestive/"behavioural" experiences), and exploring/choosing items from the table by the door. He seems to enjoy seeing the now-familiar volunteers and definitely seems to enjoy the comments they make about him growing or how good it is that he removes sugary foods from our prepacked bag (which is interesting to watch, especially when knowing that if Chef were there on his own and no one knew him, he'd been inhaling all those sugary foods before he even left the food bank ;-) ), etc.

And while Chef isn't "bouncing off the walls" at the food bank, it's clear to those who know him well that it's almost like Christmas for him - there's a plethora of food.

There's also usually a large crowd and fluorescent lights and often a long wait in line that Chef has to deal with (standing for that length of time is difficult for Chef and that much moreso while waiting outside on winter days, other folks might accidentally nudge him or be physically closer than Chef's comfort level allows, etc). Typically what happens is that once he has a visual on food items, that becomes his focus and he'll talk about food generally from that point until we are on our way home - actually he'll quite often still continue talking all the way home and at home about the food.

Grocery shopping has always been one of Chef's favourite outings, and it's something that we've very much enjoyed together. I used to take him to a variety of different shops to buy various ethnic foods, taught him much over the years about nutritional value and how to read the labels, etc., etc. and Chef happily and peacefully drank it all in. I also worked with him for years before he stopped sneaking food off shelves and trying to eat it, and I learned fairly early on not to put grocery bags into the back seat with Chef if I wanted the items they contained to still be there when we got home.

Back to the present, my theory is that he's pretty excited and wound up inside on food bank days, and once we are home and have unpacked and eaten supper, he crashes - similar to a young child at Christmas who is overspent by the excitement of the day and the let-down when it's over.

The other piece is that, through the years, Chef has always wanted all the food immediately after grocery shopping and it generally takes a couple of days before his focus shifts away from that. Food bank days are no different.

The one difference is that Chef doesn't typically act up after grocery shopping yet it's definitely on my radar that "acting up" has happened the last three food bank days. We walk to both the grocery store and the food bank and we walk home from both. There are fluorescent lights and groups of people at both, though foodbank is much smaller and much more enclosed, and requires Chef to hold it together for quite awhile while waiting in a line.

Food bank has the added piece of mystery with a prepacked bag, which is a huge thing for Chef and he often wants to explore the contents of the bag the second it's in his hands, so that will likely add excitement and/or anxiety.

We still remain mostly gluten-free at home so Chef has the greatest dietary benefit possible but we' ve started having some regular bread on weekends when he doesn't need quite as much focus/brainpower/etc as schooldays require, and Chef usually has a bun or two from the food bank once we get home. For as long as I've known him, Chef has been a carbaholic. But when we're grocery shopping, if we pick up bread it primarily involves walking to where the bread is and picking up what we're looking for. At the food bank, there's the excitement/anxiety possibility piece with bread as well because the selection is always different, there's a jumbled myriad of various items on each shelf, and there may or may not be something Chef may have had in mind - it's not nearly as cut and dry as at the grocery store.

The bottom line is that we'll be doing some preplanning now around coping and appropriate behaviour at home for food bank days.

August 24, 2011

Yes. I ate the cookies.

Not all of them. At least, not yet.

It's interesting how the brain operates. I felt fully justified in eating the ones I ate, having heard my son repeatedly call me "fuckhead" during today's tantrum, but I was also keenly aware that if I ate them all it would be from a vengeful place and that's not how I want to live my life. My mind also wandered into one of those ol' dark humour spaces - what exactly is a "fuckhead" anyway?

We spent the first week of August house/pet-sitting for friends in another city. Chef did fantastically well all week. He was a very responsible pet-sitter with feeding and grooming and walking. He was thrilled to see a tv in the living room and even moreso when he discovered it was connected to "netflix" as well as a dvd player. He talked a lot about how happy he was that we were able to walk a couple of blocks and find such an abundance of organic produce, and happily overdosed on toasted tomato sandwiches. He agreeably went on fairly long walks almost every day. And then it happened - he found a candy stash. Unaware of the amount of sugar coursing through Chef's veins, I picked up three small wrappers off the floor in the room where he'd been sleeping during the week. I approached Chef holding the wrappers in an open palm and raised my eyebrows. "What? It wasn't me." My eyebrows went higher. "I DIDN'T DO IT!! I KNOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE ME! IT WASN'T ME!" And that was the start of a 3+ hr meltdown in the yard outside of the house where we were staying. From what I was able to piece together between wrappers and Chef's eventual conversation, he'd eaten a sleeve of graham crackers, a large Lindt chocolate bar, a box of granola bars, and various pieces of random candy. Needless to say, he was fairly exhausted following his afternoon of bellowing/swearing/kicking/throwing/ hollering in the yard - and seemed quite stunned to learn that we'd be going out to the first night of a cultural festival that evening regardless, but he handled it. He handled the crowds, the late evening, the noise, the busyness, the action, the friends greeting him and attempting to start a conversation with him. Oh, and he also handled the fact that he wasn't allowed any desserts or treats at the pavillion.

Last week, a 2 hour tantrum. I don't remember right now if it started with the crumpets I'd found wrapped in a teatowel and tucked under the hallway cupboard outside Chef's room or whether it was chore-related. It came two days after a weekend of getting home at 4am two mornings in a row at the end of the cultural festival.

Today, another 2 hour tantrum with much swearing and verbal-machine-gun-firing and yelling, and a few moments of throwing sticks at the house. Last night, Chef hadn't wanted to sweep the floor. He was reminded that he needed to do it tonight or it would be an additional chore waiting for him the next day. He swept a bit then came upstairs and said the floor was done. I checked. It wasn't. This morning, he said he would sweep where he hadn't swept last night. A few minutes later he said the floor was done. I checked and pointed out that there was a magnet on the floor. Cue the tantrum. Chef went into immediate anger mode of yelling, posturing, and general disrespect. A couple hours later, we had a post-tantrum chat where Chef stated that he had been angry because he shouldn't have had to pick up a magnet that wasn't his and that he hadn't put on the floor. When reminded that the magnet belonged to his 17 month old niece, Chef said he hadn't thought of that. We also explored the choice of spending two hours of being disrespectful in order to try to avoid taking a couple of seconds to pick up a magnet. Chef very humbly responded that he hadn't thought of that either. I also had a look at Chef's arm. At the beginning of the tantrum, Chef was asked to go out to the deck. He chose, instead, to stand in the doorway with a very dark facial expression and crossed arms. I put my hands on his shoulders to lead him out of the doorway. He yanked his shoulder and complained about being hurt but did turn and walk to the deck. Later on, I noticed from an upstairs window that Chef had his hand inside his nightshirt and was moving it around by his arm. Shortly afterwards, his yelling started to include statements about how he didn't want to live with me anymore because he shouldn't have to live with someone who would hurt him and that he wanted to talk with one of his workers. I told him I'd already called all his workers and was only getting their voicemails. "I DON'T GIVE A FLYING F---!!! GET HIM ON THE PHONE, YOU F---HEAD!!!" When Chef was able to be back on our deck respectfully, I pointed out that I had seen him from the upstairs window when he had his hand inside his nightshirt. When we chatted once he was able to come inside, I asked him to show me where he was hurt. He explained that his shoulder had felt a bit tight when I'd put my hands on his shoulders. I asked him again to show me where he was hurt - it was his underarm. There was a hive and what appeared to be either light scratching marks or a bit of redness in the folds/lines of his skin. Chef said he hadn't realized that - he just thought that his underarm was bothering him because he hadn't liked it when I put my hands on his shoulders to walk him out the door. We reviewed that it would have worked better to to not struggle against having help to walk out the door, and it would have worked even better to have walked out the door on his own but that either way, having someone put their hands on his shoulders is not going to cause a problem in his underarm. At the end of our post-tantrum chat, I asked what he wanted to do now. "I want to eat but I know I tantrummed through a meal and now I have to wait til snacktime so I'll just do dishes." Wow. WOW!!! I told him that my next question was going to be, "and what WILL you be doing now" and that he had already answered the question very appropriately. I asked him how he planned to repay me for my time spent during his tantrum today - he said I could have the homemade cookies his sister had made for him. WORKS FOR ME!!!! I mean, er, good for Chef!! That was a huge step for him to give up something so valuable to him. I didn't give any specific reply regarding the cookies. And I really did try very hard not to eat even one - and then, I gave in as per the "it's interesting how the brain operates" paragraph. Later in the afternoon, I was on the phone with one of Chef's other team members and asked Chef if he wanted to talk with her. He declined, stating that he only wanted to talk with "T." When I was finished talking on the phone, Chef said he didn't want to talk with T anymore either. I asked why. He said he'd only said that so I would hurry up and get him on the phone so he could talk with him without me talking with him, and that he was angry but now he was embarassed about how he'd acted and didn't want T knowing. I told him that I would have talked with T if I'd chosen regardless of whether or not Chef wanted me to, and that I'd left a message asking T if he'd be willing to talk with Chef about the choices he'd made this afternoon. Chef's eyes watered, then he said he really didn't want to talk with T and that he had to go to the washroom.

After supper, Chef made it clear that he was not into doing the dishes. I had him help me carry a table out into the yard and handed him some sandpaper. Tonight he worked on sanding a table. Tomorrow the dishes will still be there.

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Recent Triggers:
-Nine zillion ounces of sugar from Chef's candy discovery
-Chef's youngest niece and oldest sister are moving out at the beginning of September
-Chef's oldest niece and other sister and brother-in-law who also provide respite once a week are moving to another town this weekend
-This past weekend was a respite weekend, which is wonderful though there was a mix-up regarding scheduling - and regardless of how wonderful respite is, it's still a change
-School.Starts.Soon.
-Housesitting and Folklorama week, back to back, finishing up with coming home at 4am two mornings in a row after much sensory assault for Chef's ears/eyes/patience
-Chef turned 16 last Friday. He didn't get the "all adults" birthday party he wanted, and he bought the candy stash with a big chunk of his birthday gift money and will be having a cake some other time. (There was, however, VERY VERY much appreciation shown for the personal CD player he received)
-More people are talking with Chef about his hygiene. Last night, his sister had him shower when he went over to her house for the evening.
-The local fire dept tested our smoke detectors today

A lot of triggers. And there are always triggers. Environmental. Sensory. Events. Change. People. It's always a balance between supporting Chef through exploring what he can handle and when, and dealing with the times when it's all just too much.

1.5 Notches Below "Tantrum"

July 25, 2011

Two hours.

Two hours of an outside, "all is not well" show in our yard we share with neighbours - a yard easily viewed by numerous passersby, many of whom were of particular interest to Chef who seemed sure that if he complained loudly enough, some of them might rescue him from having to deal with the attitude he'd given his mom after being reminded that he needed to clean up what he'd left on the stove. He believed he'd cleaned it up - the smoke coming from burner indicated otherwise, and I was the messenger.

And just this morning I was telling someone that things were going well. And they are, for the most part. There have been some amazing happenings this summer, and no major tantrums (loosely defined as yelling and/or swearing and throwing things and not participating in de-escalating, etc). Everything is relative.

One of the things I've started to notice is that whenever I take Chef to see a movie (I'd taken him Saturday evening, the night before last), there are a couple of days when he is somewhat off, starting either the next day or the day after; sometimes it shows in easily-triggered anger/frustration such as today (though easily-triggered anger/frustration are definitely not limited to such days; it's not uncommon for Chef to turn to angry blame when something he's done or hasn't done doesn't work out), sometimes it shows in not wanting to do much of anything at all for a couple of days, sometimes it shows in other ways. But it's just starting to nudge my radar that it's been happening after we go out to see a movie. My daughter and I have also started to notice that it's starting to happen on Sundays or Mondays prior to the Tuesday evenings that Chef spends with his sister.

Within minutes of the yard-show ending, Chef was singing and happily preparing supper. I was worn out. We sat on the deck and I played guitar and sang for a bit, then we came inside. Chef is now alternating between singing and reading in his room and I'm relaxing in mine. I think I'll put in a movie.

******************
This week, Chef has been great with getting his chores dones and tossing his laundry in on his own, all without reminders. He has also been asking everyday if he can prepare meals. He's been great with his nieces, was a great help in preparing for the local farmers' market, and one day he offered to carry numerous items home from the thrift shop. When I asked why he would want to carry so much instead of dividing everything between us as usual, his response was, "If I carry most of it, maybe you'll let me cook supper." Wow.

As an aside, I do have some mixed feelings on the cooking front. I thoroughly enjoy the meals Chef prepares - it's like a celebration of the skills we've crafted together in his life, it feels good for me when Chef prepares supper at the end of a day that has had its moments due to Chef's choices and/or "behaviours", it feels nice to have Chef giving to his family by cooking, and...well, he loves cooking! At some point somewhere along the line, I'd read that it's not good for children with unhealthy attachment to prepare their own food because it removes a sense of "my parent will provide for me" and feeds their sense of fending for themself, in addition to giving them an unhealthy sense of power over the parent and removing an area in which the parent can be further building attachment. I wish I could remember where I'd read/heard that. It does make sense. It also makes sense to let Chef prepare meals on his own for the reasons mentioned above. Some might even say it makes sense to allow Chef to prepare meals as a reward....hmmmm.

Disrespecting the Neighbours

June 7, 2011

I missed an item on the "what is in Chef's room" list. He also had an old "valet" (for men to hang suit jackets, a little shelf for change, etc.) we'd picked up at the thrift shop quite some time ago.

I was reminded of it when our neighbour showed up at our door last night at 10pm. She held out a piece of wood that had a large metal tab on the side, and told me that had been thrown onto her deck. She said just prior to the wood landing on her deck, there had been a different sound similar to maybe a screw being thrown against wood. My mind wandered through possibilities but also realized there was a slight familiarity about this piece of wood with a large metal tab with the words, "Made in Italy" imprinted on it. Then I realized - Chef's valet. What had landed on the neighbours' deck was the top part of the valet. I went up to Chef's room and told him he needed to come downstairs. He pretended to be angry that I'd woken him and very grumpily sauntered down the stairs.

This neighbour used to provide respite/childcare for Chef when I was working. The more he was the there, the more disrespectful Chef became towards her and her children (who live with various disabilities) and the more things began to fall apart to the point where I no longer had anyone to provide care/support for Chef. To date, Chef continues to harass/disrespect this neighbour and her family at times if he believes I am not in earshot or can't see what he's doing.

To make a long story short, Chef vehemently denied that he had any knowledge of anything landing on the neighbours' deck. He feigned anger at the neighbours for lying about him and at me for believing the neighbours instead of believing him. From 10:00pm til 11:15ish, Chef swore, grumped, and showed many inappropriate responses to the situation he'd created and at the reminders to use his management tools. He did, however, take the valet over to the thrift shop drop-off area as requested. Around 11:15ish, Chef went for a run and by 11:30pm he was back in bed.

This morning, Chef slept through his alarm and through a reminder from me that it was time to get up. When I told him his bus had arrived, however, he jumped up and flew down the stairs, making faces at me and attempting to blame me for him having slept so late. I reminded him that his morning would have gone easier if he hadn't done what he'd done the night before, reminded him that his lunch was on the kitchen counter, and reminded him that he would need to get dressed at school rather than outside (which is what he has often done if he waits til the bus arrives before getting ready to leave). Chef grabbed his clothes and ran out the door wearing the old jean shorts he's recently been wearing as pyjamas.

Restitution: Chef will be paying his allowance to the neighbour for the inconvenience/disrespect/risk of property damage from last night, and will be sweeping her deck and steps for the next week to practice being a good neighbour and good community member.

December 12, 2010

Three words.

Tantrum. Free. Weekend.


Three more words.

Chores are completed.



Yesterday we ran a few errands, stopped at a local cafe for a bowl of soup, then headed over to the art center for an afternoon of painting. Chef painted up a storm and made gifts for everyone in our family.

Today's been a relaxing day at home. There were only a few blips with chores. Chef made his school lunches for the week and (drumroll please!) his chores are finished.

What a lovely weekend

December 10, 2010 evening

After school today, Chef and I immediately went out to do some errands. Chef waited for me on the deck and did some exercises while he waited, then we headed over to the thrift shop so he could pick up some rags and some new boots. We bought his most recent pair last month and he has worn them for two or three weeks; the backs are ripped open and, because Chef is in his "no hygiene mode" and not usually wearing socks, they're smelling ripe enough to be noticed by school staff. A couple of years back, a local store was closing down and were selling hiking boots for $3/pair. I bought nine pairs and, if I remember correctly, Chef went through seven of them that year.

While we were walking around town, Chef and I chatted about school and Christmas preparations. Chef has been able to take a digital publishing course that is for students one grade higher than he is, and that is his shining star this term. He was thrilled that he could take the course, and has been thrilled with the actual course itself. Chef has been saving all his digital publishing creations in his room; no small feat for a young man who is drawn to make a piece of paper into tiny bits of paper. He has them all laid out nicely on his dresser. This is the very first time in his life, at least to my memory, that he has ever taken care of something this long without getting rid of it or taking it apart. I have never seen Chef take such pride in anything else that he's created.

We haven't eaten out for a very long, so I decided we'd stop in at a local cafe where two can dine on well-prepared, homemade food for less than $12. Chef was immediately reading all papers he could get his hands on, and was soon describing to me a number of health-food catalogue items along with their prices. Interspersed with this information was a description of the level Chef has achieved in a fantastic computer game he plays at school which simulates life goals such as career, finances, relationships, etc., and how to achieve them. Chef is playing brilliantly, and shared with me how he knows it's good to have a credit rating but not good to use credit cards, the importance of paying his bills and saving for what he wants, etc. Chef feels very successful in his virtual life. He has four diplomas and is now working on his virtual BA which he has already paid off. He is considering a virtual future in IT. When I told him that is probably a good consideration for him after high school as well, he said he didn't know what IT was. I asked what it was in the game he plays. "I don't know. I just know that they make pretty good money."

Chef and I talked about what food we'd like to make for Christmas day and throughout the holidays. Chef was very very focussed on bananas and had some difficulty moving from that topic, but we came up with a good list of possibilities.

When we came home, Chef immediately and quickly did the dishes and finished his laundry without any prompting whatsoever! He still has the floor to sweep tomorrow, then we'll be back at the thrift shop so Chef can pick up some clothes and socks to replace the ones that have recently disappeared, then we're off to the local art center for an afternoon of painting. I'm hoping tomorrow is a tantrum-free day.

December 10, 2010

We have had a fairly peaceful week at home. Chores and "attitude" are being addressed even more firmly than before - and it's "working." The degree to which Chef must miss out on things/events/comfort, etc., before it matters to him enough to make a difference is pretty incredible.

Chef is presently missing out on his free time in the evenings because free time comes after chores and responsibilities have been taken care of. Chef has chosen not to put his laundry in for the past couple of weeks, and most of his clothes have once again "disappeared." The clothing piece truly is a mystery at this point, since Chef almost always has someone in the same room with him here at home now. The best I can figure is that he is still slipping things into nooks and crannies in the storage room where the washer and dryer also live and where he often is by himself with myself or Chef's sister in the next room. Another possibility is that he is once again sneaking them into the garbage bag right before taking the garbage out. On Monday, he had at least five pairs of socks in his room. Last night he informed me that he has none left and doesn't know where they are. I reminded him that I've been reminding him to put them into the hamper and that he's been taking them there. "Yes, but they aren't in there now and I don't know where they are."

Chef has $12 in allowance from the past few weeks. ($2.minimum per week, $8. maximum if he takes care of his chores/responsibilities, with numerous opportunities to earn money through other ways at home). In order to receive his allowance on Saturday, he has to have completed his chores and needs to have not tantrummed or "given attitude" on Friday and Saturday. Hopefully this weekend will see us over at the thrift shop so Chef can buy a bag of rags (to replace the ones he's gotten rid of in his ongoing attempt to not have to do any chores) and more socks and other clothing items to replace the ones that have recently "disappeared." Compared to previous years, he has come such a long way in learning/understanding/accepting the natural consequences of his choices, learning how to be a contributing member of his family/community/society as a whole, etc - if only the hygiene and willingness to do chores would come along as well! Tantrumming continues to be a work in progress. It is clear that Chef is not "out of control" during his tantrums. It seems as though Chef specifically chooses to use tantrums.

Some of the other bigger pieces in past years have been going to school/wanting to just be at home and not do anything, stealing, lying, and hoarding.

What's Made A Difference?

Willingness to Go to School:
-Supportive school staff
-Computer Use at school
-"Not At All Fun" theme at home on days Chef doesn't attend school when expected

Stealing:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef at home,at school,in the community
(if Chef is on his own and there is something he sees that he wants, it's his)
-Chef does a "self-check" as soon as he walks in the door from school
-I often (not always) watch Chef get off the bus and walk to the house to ensure
he is no longer stashing stolen goods in the yard before coming inside
-A lock on my bedroom door, money kept put away
-Stolen items removed immediately upon discovery, expected resitution

Hoarding:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef
-Chef also does "a self-check" before going upstairs at night, as well as one
when he returns to the main floor if he has been in the basement
-Regular room checks and careful kudos to Chef (because sometimes compliments go
the wrong way in Chef's mind) for any small successes
-Immediate removal and expected restitution for items

Lying:
-When Chef is caught in a lie, he is reminded that we are all a team and that
a team works together. He is expected to return to the person to whom he
has lied and be truthful.

Overall, Chef appears to be much happier and calmer, and have a growing sense of awareness and pride, as he experiences successes in these areas with the required supports. He seems to have a stronger understanding and acceptance of what is acceptable (what works) and not acceptable (what doesn't work) when it comes to how Chef interacts with his environment and the people around him. The hope is that a lot of the rote learning will be habitual by adulthood so Chef has a few less issues to deal with as an adult in the world.

Weekend Balance

Chef spent Friday evening with his sister and niece. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he'd worked on weekend chores. Saturday morning and early afternoon were great; Chef ate, washed up and dressed (still sandals though; he continues to say he can't find his socks because his sister put them somewhere, which she did - on top of the dryer after helping Chef with his laundry. This is the second weekend that Chef has again said that he doesn't have his socks anymore, even with reminders of exactly where they are), and seemed quite relaxed and happy as we ran errands together. We got home just before supper and I reminded Chef that his mattress was still in the front yard and needed to be cleaned up. Chef said ok, then went outside. Glancing outside a few minutes later, I noticed a seemingly angry Chef tearing apart the mattress even more; foam and other mattress bits were strewn across the yard. I opened the door and asked what was happening. Chef looked at me angrily and said that he knew I still didn't believe that he hadn't hidden anything in his mattress. "Well, that's right, but the issue right now is that you need to get your mattress cleaned up so it's not in the yard anymore." Chef started escalating. I reminded him that all he needed to do right now was clean up the mattress and that we weren't discussing anything else about his mattress today. Chef escalated. I reminded him of his anger management tools. Chef continued his yelling and whining and angry facial expressions; I shut the door. Two hours later, the mattress was cleaned up and Chef was calm and inside. He had a quick bite to eat, then we walked down to a small local cafe for an evening of music/jamming. It was interesting to note that when we were listening to the performing group for the first half-hour, Chef expressed some difficulty with the noise-level yet when I went up and started playing with the band, Chef independently and seemingly enthusiastically moved so he was sitting right up front by the band.

On Sunday, Chef attended an AGM with me as well as an afternoon performance, then we spent the evening having a leisurely, story-filled supper with a friend. On the way home, we talked about how Chef had used two hours to tantrum when that time would have been much better spent working together on his lunches for the week then having free time. Chef agreed.

Candy Bars, Books, and Tantrums

Monday, November 1, 2010

Yesterday was not fun at our house. It started out ok'ish though. Given the overload of sugar in his system, I gave Chef extra time to sleep in in the morning. When he got up he wanted to make brunch (one of my favourite parts of a weekend!) and did up fried eggs and fried potatoes. We watched part of a video while we ate brunch, then Chef independently started doing chores. About five minutes later, Chef announced that he couldn't clean the bathroom because he only had one rag and that was in the laundry. "Where are the other rags?" "I don't know. I got rid of them" "How do you plan on cleaning the bathroom then?" "I guess I'll have to wait til the laundry's done" "That's not going to work." "(angry whining and escalating body language) Well, what am I supposed to do if I don't have rags??" "First, you can take the whining outside and deal with it there and not bring it back inside." Chef stormed out, stood outside for a few minutes, did some jumping jacks, came back inside when I motioned him in, and did the lunch dishes. While he had been outside, I'd noticed that more of my books were missing from my bookcase. After finishing up the lunch dishes, Chef came into the living room and said he didn't know what to do because he had to wait for the rag that was in the washer. I said that we also needed to discuss the matter of other books missing from the bookcase. Chef immediately stormed, angrily stating that he hadn't taken any books. I told him he could take himself back outside until he was ready to communicate appropriately. Chef tantrummed outside for an hour and a half. When he appeared appropriate and calm for awhile, I invited him back inside. I asked him if he was ready to communicate appropriately. "Yes." "Good, because at some point we'll need to talk about the books." "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T TAKE ANY BOOKS!!" "Back outside til you're ready to communicate appropriately." Chef stormed outside and started throwing pine cones at the house, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly ringing the doorbell, repeatedly kicking the door, banging his head against the living room window and making faces at me then screaming when I would leave the living room, yelling that he was cold, etc., etc. Chef tantrummed for at least an hour and a half that time. Once he was able to be back inside, Chef stated that he'd been taking books on his way out the door to school in the morning and hiding them in his lunchbag. Most mornings, Chef runs out the door at the last minute, and I am at the door with him then watching him from the front window til the bus arrives. Lately, however, I have not been right at the door when he comes in after school. The bookcase is right by the door and Chef wouldn't be hard-pressed to be able to slip out a book and stash it in the closet to take somewhere later on. If I am downstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check before going upstairs (he usually goes upstairs for a rest after school); if I am upstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check when he gets upstairs. We've stopped doing checks for each time Chef goes upstairs otherwise, but it seems to be time to start doing that again. Chef says sometimes he'll say he's going to clean the front entrance (about 5'x5') then hide something in the closet or in his niece's stroller then take it upstairs or stash it outside later.

Chef didn't bring up his laundry from the dryer yesterday. This morning he said he doesn't know where any of his socks are that were just purchased last weekend; I know they were in the hamper, but Chef said they weren't in the laundry room when he took the hamper downstairs. His runners had needed washing on the weekend and he was reminded three times in less than half an hour to put his runners into the washer. That didn't happen; he washed them outside instead. I asked him if he'd forgotten that he's tried that before and it doesn't work. He did work on his lunches last night without issue and actually agreed to take more in his lunches, including a dessert I made for him! This is highly unusual. I'm very thankful he was at that point yesterday. This morning, I packed his lunch into a large, clear tupperware container so it's easy for his school support staff to see what's inside with hopes that it will minimize some of Chef's stealing/stashing attempts. When the bus pulled up, Chef had only been starting to get ready the last few minutes beforehand and was not at all ready to go - though he had actually eaten part of a breakfast! He walked out to the bus barefoot, wearing pyjamas, carrying sandals, his lunch, his jacket (the one that he's kept in the storage room since I bought it for him in summer; it finally got promoted to being brought upstairs and being used!) and a wrinkled outfit he'd pulled out of the dryer. He didn't give his lunch to the driver, and often hasn't been, which usually translates into him eating it on the bus.

I'm a little tuckered out today; actually, a little more than a little.

4am Mornings = Not Fun for Anyone

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Chef has been up the past few mornings around 4am to use the washroom. I'm not sure if he's been going right back to bed or not, since I seem to drift in and out of sleep and then feel the need to get up and check to make sure he's back in his room.

On Tuesday, Chef had stayed home from school because he hadn't been feeling well. I'm not sure if he's come down with a cold or if his bedroom is causing him some problems with his sinuses, but on Monday night he asked if he could have a homeschool day on Tuesday. I told him that we could gladly do a homeschool day but those days have to be planned at least a few days beforehand. "Oh," Chef said, "because I'm not feeling very good." We later agreed that we'd see how he was feeling in the morning and if he still wasn't feeling great then he'd stay home for a sick day, then talked a bit about the difference between a homeschool day and a sick day. The next morning, Chef was up just before 4 and was sneezing off and on til about 8:00. I'd turned off the usual 7:30 alarm, but Chef came out of his room at 8 and said he had to get ready for school then started doing exercises. I reminded him that he was just staying home because he was sick, and that he needed to go back to bed. Around 11'ish, Chef came out again but this time said he REALLY needed to get ready for school. He still sounded snuffly. I reminded him again that he was sick and needed to rest so he could get better. Chef said he needed to be at school by lunch. When I asked him why, he said he thought he might have a test. I explored this a bit more with Chef then told him to just go and rest. I had a sense that he was in a rush to get to school for lunch because he knew he'd be missing out on other students' treats at lunchtime. I could be wrong. It's happened before. At noon, Chef told me again that he was feeling fine. He spent the afternoon at home with his sister and niece, and that evening he "redid" the dishes from last week that he said were clean though they weren't (we'd had a respite weekend, so Thursdays dishes were checked after Chef went to bed on Thursday then Chef was away til Monday evening).

This morning I told Chef he could go downstairs on his own and I'd be down in a minute. It was probably closer to three minutes. Chef said, "Ok, I'm going to make some cornmeal." When I went into the kitchen, there was water on the floor by the fridge. Chef said he didn't know what it was from. I opened the fridge door and noticed the lid on a casserole dish wasn't sitting well on the casserole dish, and figured the puddle on the floor was likely condensation from the wet lid. I debated whether or not to ask Chef or just point out the obvious situation. He's been in fairly good space and he's been occasionally starting to own up to things without lying first, then acknowledging that he feels better when he deals with things honestly like that, so I decided there might be an opportunity for Chef to be open about what he'd done so he'd get that feel-good. I asked Chef what he'd been doing in the kitchen so far. He said he'd gotten out his lunch, so I asked him what else he'd been doing in the kitchen. His immediate response of "That's all I was doing" came with whining and the ol' teenager "you don't believe me??" body language. I told him he needed to go find his honesty and appropriate ways of talking then talk to me. Chef went outside and did some jumping jacks then came in and repeated the same scenario. Back outside again. When he came in this time, he made a "grumpy and/or angry" face and stated that he'd grabbed some of the casserole out of the dish and eaten it while getting his lunch out of the fridge. When I reminded him that it would have been better to have breakfast and that there are appropriate ways to access food, he appeared even more indignant, looked like he was about to yell and started to say something but I quickly put my fingers to his lips to close them so he wouldn't wake his niece. Chef immediately started twisting his head and almost lost his balance. After removing my fingers, I asked Chef what the appropriate ways are to get food other than sneaking/grabbing food and stuffing into his mouth. "To ask or to eat at the table" was the grumpy reply. "Ok, did it work to lie and get angry with me over it?" "No," came the grumped reply. "Did it work to use up morning time that you needed to use for getting ready for school?" "No." Chef then started pushing his lip around with his hand. When I asked what he was doing, he said his lip hurt. I told him that it would definitely hurt doing what he was doing, and that if his lip hurt it would be better to put something cold on it. I had a look at his lip, saw nothing, got out a bag of frozen vegetables and put it to Chef's lip. He made an angry face and said his lip didn't hurt, but I wasn't sure if he was just saying that because he didn't like the cold. I told him that if it hurt, the cold would help and that it would be good to have it on there for a few seconds, and if it didn't hurt, then we didn't need the drama. Chef pulled away from the bag and walked over to the counter to get his lunch. I put the frozen vegetables back into the freezer and reminded Chef that he needed to quickly put away dishes from last night (usually not a morning requirement at all but I'm having someone over today and we're using the kitchen, and there were issues with dishes last night) and that he needed to hurry because he was running late. Chef did put the dishes away very quickly then slowly started picking up his lunch items. I asked him where his clothes were and he pointed to the bathroom and said they were in there. I reminded him that he needed to quickly get dressed because his bus would be coming and he still needed to add more food to his lunchbag. Chef started spooning some sauerkraut into a lunch container. And then - the bus came. When I told Chef the bus was here, Chef walked to the bathroom while I hurried to the front door and opened it. I'm having someone over today and sure didn't want the bus leaving and Chef staying home for the day! Chef walked out the door barefoot, in his pyjamas, carrying his clothes and his lunchbag. I reminded him he couldn't be outside barefoot - another eyeroll from Chef, but he stopped, put on his shoes, and went to the bus.

Today's lesson? Even though Chef doesn't have a problem with it on occasional weekends, don't suddenly change up the school morning by telling Chef he can be downstairs on his own for a bit before school, especially when he's been waking early! And mornings aren't the time for "feel-good" opportunities around food-sneaking!

Last night while dishwashing was taking forever because the dishes were being declared as "done" but showed evidence of not having been washed and had to be "re"washed, I considered setting up my camera to record on the kitchen table. I'd done this once in the past and thought I was being fairly brilliant with the idea. However, while the camera was calmly recording the kitchen happenings, I was nervous about leaving my camera there on its own for fear it might be "accidentally bumped" or encounter some similar fate; the concern was outweighing the benefits of recording. I also had absolutely no desire to sit and watch an evening of dragged-out dishwashing after Chef had gone to bed that evening. So last night I decided instead to check in occasionally by watching the reflection of the kitchen in a glassed picture frame in our living room. I've also done this in the past. I turned up the tv volume a bit then walked to where I could see the reflection. Chef didn't seem to notice whatsoever, and what I saw confirmed some of my wonderings. Chef wasn't actually washing dishes, but was doing the "dip, dip, and drainer" move or occasionally giving a dish one swipe with the dishcloth. I then stepped into the kitchen to watch. Chef glanced from the corner of his eye, continued singing, and started using the dishcloth to scrub all parts of the bowl in his hand. Aha! This provided reassurance for me in two areas. First, Chef is indeed still able to wash the dishes and still knows how to do so even on evenings when it is questionable as to why dishwashing is taking so long. Secondly, Chef wants to do what is right and is capable of doing what is right as long as he knows someone is with him or watching him. The latter might be a bit of a stretch seeing that the reassurance was coming from observing dishwashing, but it does seem to follow in pretty well every area of Chef's life. If someone is with him or he knows someone is watching him, he will almost always make good choices.

Dishes and 4am's and this morning aside, Chef seems to be in good spirits. He is taking responsibility for correcting himself when necessary, is generally accepting boundaries at home, and has generally just been pleasant to live with this week. He's been bringing artwork home and seems to be waiting for his hug when he hands me a painting or drawing. On Tuesday afternoon he just about bowled me over when he hugged me unexpectedly as I walked in the door from grocery shopping. Yesterday, he asked if he could give me a hug and actually snuggled in and gave a great squeeze with his arms. Very cool. And last weekend while packing for respite, Chef independently without any prompting at all announced that he needed to pack books because he gets bored of just playing video games and watching tv. And then he packed books! And his respite provider said he did a lot of reading over the weekend. This makes me smile.

Post-Meltdown

Post-meltdown days seem to usually go more or less one of two ways - either the meltdown continues in different forms, or Chef is in very good space and talks about what happened, what worked, what didn't work, etc., is kind, and appears to regret acting out through the meltdown. Today is the latter. Phew.

Chef waited til we were almost out the door before he got up. He brought some leftovers to eat and we went off to a voluntary music performance I was doing down the lane. Chef seemed in very good spirits and I commented that he seemed to be having a very nice day. He nodded and said that he wanted to be very nice and try to make up for what he had done last night. He did some running on the way to where we were going, sat beside me while I played my music, and commented on the great food they had there for lunch. During the music, he started opening a set of chopsticks to eat what he'd brought. I glanced over at him and shook my head very slightly. He stopped. When I was finished, we walked over to a friend's art shop for a few minutes, then headed towards the thrift shop. Chef still hadn't eaten the leftovers, so I told him he could run home to our deck and have what he'd brought, then meet me at the thrift shop. He did. No issue. While at the thrift shop, we chatted more about what would work for him at school regarding his difficulty with lights and crowds and noise. He said he'd like to wear sunglasses and earbuds, and said that his school staff is now leaving the classroom with him before the bell rings so Chef is not in the hall during class changeover times. I reminded him that he has a school meeting coming up and asked if there were any other things he wanted to see on the agenda. He said he would like to cook his lunches at school, for 3 reasons: other students do that and he thinks that's very cool and wants to show what he can make, his former assistant is the person supporting the other students making their lunches and Chef wants to spend time with him,and making his lunches at school would mean he still gets to make his lunches but doesn't have to use his time at home to do it. We continued chatting while looking at different items in the shop, and I asked Chef again about being gluten-free and whether or not he wanted to remain gluten-free. He asked if there was a cost difference. I said with what we all are able to make the only real difference is when it comes to bread (rice bread is about $6/loaf). Chef's response was, "Oh, well then I just want to stay with the gluten-free. I don't want to switch back." This continues to really surprise me. I wonder if he realizes that.

When we got home, Chef immediately started washing some dishes without being reminded AND - are you sitting down?? He announced that he was going to have an apple!! And then he asked if that was ok! I reminded him that he could snack anytime as long as it was appropriate snack food and not being handled in a sneaky way. Chef then called out from the kitchen,"Mom! I'm sitting at the table and having an apple!"

I haven't talked with him today yet about snacks, and figured we'd chat about food during an afternoon walk.

Very cool turn of events.

Tantrum

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It is the Thursday before Thanksgiving. Traditionally, Chef has often not done well with any kind of holiday/celebration. It's yet another change in routine, it's still the beginning of a new school year, he asks almost every day whether or not my daughter and granddaughter are going to be at our place or not and where they are. There always seems to be so much running under the surface for Chef.

On our way to the store today, Chef looked at me and said, "Oh, I have something for you. It's a hug. I haven't given you one in awhile." Then he hugged me.

Wow! THAT is a rarity.

While we were at the store, Chef talked about some things he'd like us to make on the weekend. Fantastic! Chef doesn't usually initiate conversations like that, plus there were some "planning ahead" pieces in that statement! Some of the items required flour. When I reminded Chef that some of those items might have to wait because he'd recently eaten the rice/potato flour, he said, "Ok." I asked him how he'd managed to eat flour just on its own and he said he hadn't - he'd mixed it with vanilla.

Chef had a good evening tonight. We ate supper around 6:30pm, he tossed in his laundry, did some dishes, talked about the painting he'd brought home for me yesterday, we talked about weekend possibilities - all in all, a really nice evening.

And then I saw it.

A link of sausage (about a foot long) from the freezer had found its way to the railing going upstairs. I commented that that looked odd and asked Chef what his plan had been.

"To eat it," he said.
"Is sneaking raw meat from the freezer and putting it in the railing the appropriate way to get food?"
"No."
"What would have been better?"
"To eat something else."
"And sneak it?"
"No. But the package says it's been cooked."
"Does that make it appropriate to take it from the freezer and try to sneak it upstairs?"
"No! But I was hungry!"
"We had supper not long ago. If you were still hungry wouldn't it be better to have more supper or to have an appropriate snack?"
"I want the sausage!!"

Chef's eyebrows went down. His arms crossed. His voice raised. And Chef was reminded that he could either take some time outside to calm down or show that he could be respectful inside. Chef slammed out the door. He had taken his dresser drawers outside awhile back because he had never used them as drawers (except for a few puzzle pieces in one and food hidden under some fabric in another) but was frequently opening then slamming them when something wasn't going his way. He and I had talked about using the drawers for plants on our deck next year. Tonight, 4 out of 6 of them were destroyed. Chef started by banging them up against the house and the door, then started taking them apart and using the wood to hack apart the other drawers. I found it interesting that when I came out to give him his med, he stopped what he was doing, opened his mouth for the med, swallowed, then opened his mouth again to show me he'd swallowed. When I turned and went back into the house, Chef went back to grumping, banging on the house, and destroying the drawers. I called the local crisis unit to have someone on the phone while this was happening. We stayed on the phone while Chef finished with the drawers and agreed to clean up the mess and use his tools (usually exercising, especially if he is outside; inside tools also include reading, art, etc.) to deal with his frustration/tantrumming. When I got off the phone, Chef came running in the house screaming that he couldn't stay outside because there was something scary, then pointed to a tiny kitten on the lawn. Chef has never shown any fear of kittens. I asked if the kitten had surprised him and he said, "Yes, and it shouldn't have done that! I can't be outside with a kitten!" I picked up the kitten. Chef continued his tantrumming and yelled that he wanted to come inside. I reminded Chef that I hadn't seen a turn-around yet and needed to see him put some effort into dealing with his tantrumming. Chef walked away, turned around, folded his arms across his chest, and made a face at me. I closed the door. Chef started kicking/banging against the house and the door, and ringing the doorbell repeatedly and swearing. I took the kitten to our back door and gave it some food on our deck, thinking it might stay there for a bit, then I went back into the house. Chef was still tantrumming out front though he would occasionally pause to stare at the house with arms folded across his chest and an angry expression on his face, but would then go back to the tantrum. He even spent time playing with the kitten, who'd returned to the front yard, and would then go back to tantrumming. I called the police so he would receive the message from someone else that it wasn't ok to do what he was doing. The neighbours also came out and talked with Chef, but he'd initially continued on with the banging/kicking/swearing until I came out and said that I'd call the police. Chef stopped immediately and leaned quietly against the wall with his hands folded in front of him. The police came, talked with him, laughed with him, did a few jumping jacks with him, had him apologize, offered him their business card, and told him to listen to his mom. After they left, Chef and I went into the house and Chef immediately started to say something to me using disrespectful tone but I interrupted him and told him he had a choice of starting all over again by taking it outside to deal with it or turning things around immediately. He then rolled his eyes and started to try to argue. I told him that the message he was giving me was that he wasn't yet finished tantrumming and asked if that was the message he wanted to give.
"No," was the reply. By now it was after 10pm (I'd found the sausage around 8'ish). I said goodnight to him and Chef stomped into his room. I called him and asked him again if he still had some frustration to deal with because that was the message he was giving by stomping away and not responding. He started to roll his eyes and I told him to look at my eyes and take the time to find his calm. I haven't done that in ages and wasn't sure if it would still be beneficial - but Chef's eyes met mine and there was a moment of quiet. I then repeated, "Goodnight, Sweetie. Hope you have a good sleep," and Chef calmly said goodnight and went to bed.

I was just telling someone this afternoon that Chef has come such a long way in his life, and that a lot of his attachment difficulties have been healing (not healed, but healing!) over the years. This evening's trigger was very obviously one that is not historically unfamiliar - when Chef has tried to sneak an item into his room or the bathroom and the item is discovered before he can eat it or use it, he becomes furious. I had discovered the length of sausage before it had made it into his room and before he had a chance to eat it.

Tomorrow I'm going to start a combination of support strategies regarding food and see if a combination might be more beneficial for Chef.

Balance

I've often said, if it weren't for times of issue around school (sensory stressors around bright lights and hallways and crowds and noise, etc., having to get ready in the morning, etc) and chores and lying and stealing and hygiene and responsibility, everything would be fine.

I'm sure many of us have seen someone walk in the door at the end of the day and dump their backpack on the floor or toss their briefcase onto a chair, then flop down on the couch with an exaggerated exhale and a non-relaxed look on their face. They've held it together all day through thick and thin, then they come home and need a place to just relax.

For Chef, frustrations and anxieties are almost always reserved just for home. This is where he can dump everything and know that he will be supported in continuing to learn to dump appropriately. Chef also knows that there is an expectation here for him to continue to learn to use the tools he's been given and trained to use when it comes to anger/stress management. And he also knows that he will be continue to be supported in continued learning and growing to become a contributing member of his family and community.

And unlike the person who can walk in their door and flop then exhale and vent a bit then move on with their evening, Chef's anxieties and frustrations are sometimes delayed or skewed and are communicated through other "behaviours" either in response to something or as a prelude to something he's anticipating.

Aside from all those times (which can sometimes take up the bulk of an entire day or evening or even weekend if there have been issues), Chef and I have a lot of nice moments (good talks while walking, "Mom, would you like some tea?", good talks when driving somewhere, enjoying nature walks, "Mom, there's something over here you could take a picture of", watching videos together, "Yes, Mom", etc., etc., etc.) When Chef is in good space and not in the midst of dealing with issues/behaviours/ consquences, etc., it really is very pleasant being Chef's Mom.