Books and Business

"Mom, did you know...."

This was the beginning of a very, very long sentence in which Chef attempted to explain to me everything that happened in "The Rise and Fall of the British Empire" by Lawrence James. The next day, he started reading "Sarum" by Edward Rutherfurd. Chef's also been reading cookbooks and books about autism.

Chef is also making "pictures to sell" in hopes of starting his own business. He's generally spending a couple of minutes on each picture. In the past, Chef has done some very nice, simple watercolour pieces, and agrees that he wants to have a website to sell some, but when it comes down to doing the base-work for them (drawing the shapes before painting), it's back to mass-producing very basic pictures in very short order.

Chef is frequently talking about wanting to sell items at the local farmers' market. Last week, while at the market for our first time, he suddenly pulled out from his binder of papers a loose piece of canvas he'd painted months ago and announced to me that he was going to sell it. I reminded him that we weren't there as vendors (just playing music for now) and didn't have a sales table set up, and that he could gladly sell some items sometime when we've made plans together regarding what would be reasonable items to sell. Then he realized a lot of baked goods were being sold. This week, there have been many many lists of recipe names, with frequent verbal reminders of the additional need for cookbook names and page numbers. There's also been one long list of necessary ingredients proudly presented to me one day just as we were walking out the door to shop for groceries. Excellent planning! Unfortunately the list only contained the names of the items needed - no amounts, no reference back to the recipe, etc. Chef seemed very disappointed when he realized his ingredient-list was for naught and seemed deflated at the suggestion that he could still use the list and try to figure out the recipes that matched the ingredients, or try again with a new list and let me know when he was working on it so I could help him.

Everything new is step-by-step. It's nice to know there's a degree of motivation that's starting to surface. Hopefully that will stay long enough to smooth out the bits that Chef is finding to be challenging/disappointing.

1.5 Notches Below "Tantrum"

July 25, 2011

Two hours.

Two hours of an outside, "all is not well" show in our yard we share with neighbours - a yard easily viewed by numerous passersby, many of whom were of particular interest to Chef who seemed sure that if he complained loudly enough, some of them might rescue him from having to deal with the attitude he'd given his mom after being reminded that he needed to clean up what he'd left on the stove. He believed he'd cleaned it up - the smoke coming from burner indicated otherwise, and I was the messenger.

And just this morning I was telling someone that things were going well. And they are, for the most part. There have been some amazing happenings this summer, and no major tantrums (loosely defined as yelling and/or swearing and throwing things and not participating in de-escalating, etc). Everything is relative.

One of the things I've started to notice is that whenever I take Chef to see a movie (I'd taken him Saturday evening, the night before last), there are a couple of days when he is somewhat off, starting either the next day or the day after; sometimes it shows in easily-triggered anger/frustration such as today (though easily-triggered anger/frustration are definitely not limited to such days; it's not uncommon for Chef to turn to angry blame when something he's done or hasn't done doesn't work out), sometimes it shows in not wanting to do much of anything at all for a couple of days, sometimes it shows in other ways. But it's just starting to nudge my radar that it's been happening after we go out to see a movie. My daughter and I have also started to notice that it's starting to happen on Sundays or Mondays prior to the Tuesday evenings that Chef spends with his sister.

Within minutes of the yard-show ending, Chef was singing and happily preparing supper. I was worn out. We sat on the deck and I played guitar and sang for a bit, then we came inside. Chef is now alternating between singing and reading in his room and I'm relaxing in mine. I think I'll put in a movie.

******************
This week, Chef has been great with getting his chores dones and tossing his laundry in on his own, all without reminders. He has also been asking everyday if he can prepare meals. He's been great with his nieces, was a great help in preparing for the local farmers' market, and one day he offered to carry numerous items home from the thrift shop. When I asked why he would want to carry so much instead of dividing everything between us as usual, his response was, "If I carry most of it, maybe you'll let me cook supper." Wow.

As an aside, I do have some mixed feelings on the cooking front. I thoroughly enjoy the meals Chef prepares - it's like a celebration of the skills we've crafted together in his life, it feels good for me when Chef prepares supper at the end of a day that has had its moments due to Chef's choices and/or "behaviours", it feels nice to have Chef giving to his family by cooking, and...well, he loves cooking! At some point somewhere along the line, I'd read that it's not good for children with unhealthy attachment to prepare their own food because it removes a sense of "my parent will provide for me" and feeds their sense of fending for themself, in addition to giving them an unhealthy sense of power over the parent and removing an area in which the parent can be further building attachment. I wish I could remember where I'd read/heard that. It does make sense. It also makes sense to let Chef prepare meals on his own for the reasons mentioned above. Some might even say it makes sense to allow Chef to prepare meals as a reward....hmmmm.

Work Experience and Building Community

July 15, 2011

The idea for this summer has been to set up Chef with various volunteer positions. This continues Chef's understanding of the importance of building community, allows more people in Chef's community to get to know him, and provides work experience for Chef.

Our local library, thrift shop, and arts center all have volunteer opportunities. Chef already has some volunteer experience in visiting with seniors, helping out at local community events for newcomers through the local Immigration Services program, and helping out with events for adults living with disabilities. So far, Chef has always had me alongside supporting him while volunteering. I am partially hopeful that perhaps we'll be able to find a volunteer opportunity where Chef can be on his own amongst other volunteers/staff, at least for part of a day.

This past week we've been volunteering at the local arts center. They run a day camp for young children. Chef attended the day camp when he was younger, but never actually made it through an entire week. This past week, he spent over 5 hours preparing crafts one day and helped with crafts, games, various arts activities, and supervision for 2 full days plus one afternoon. With me by his side, Chef was very helpful with cleaning up, took direction well from the day camp coordinator, and needed frequent reminders that he wasn't there as a camper to play. Without me there at his side, Chef very much seemed to view himself as a camper and even had a moment or two when he disrupted activities by engaging other kids in playing something other than what they needed to be doing at the time. By his last volunteer day there this week, Chef's leadership skills had shifted to pointing at a child followed by, "Hey! Hey hey hey! Nuh-uh! I said no!" Maybe time will bring a sense of balance.

Next week, we're planning to spend only one or two afternoons at the arts center - this past week took a bit more energy than I could afford, and left little for what was still required for evenings at home. Tomorrow we're planning to ask at the thrift shop about volunteer opportunities, and next week we'll look into what's available at the library.

Chef has also been working on figuring out what he can create to sell online, and has been spending time with a few books(autism and history) as well as one of the guitars. In fact, until we get the window issue dealt with, Chef has been singing and/or playing guitar in his room at bedtime until he is too tired to stay awake. (Now we just need to figure out the mornings.) This evening he made supper (ground chicken mini-burgers, mashed sweet potato, steamed asparagus), asked if he could please do chores tonight so he could spend time playing with one of his nieces this weekend, and asked if we could watch a movie together. Very cool.

**Umm - Chef just brought my laundry upstairs (on hangers even!) because he wants to get his clothes into the dryer and mine were done. Nothing like this has happened before. Ever. "Wow!" seems like a drastic understatement.

Downtime, Decks, and Toga Days

July 11, 2011

The retreat. The music retreat. Where do I begin?

There's so much to tell because Chef did so exceptionally well the entire time!

And the day after the retreat, he came along on a day trip with a friend and me, followed by a day of absolutely nothing except life basics, followed by making crafts for his first volunteer shift at the local arts center. A year ago, I never would have imagined Chef accomplishing what he's accomplished in the past week.

I've decided to separate "The Retreat" from today's post. It really does need its own celebratory space.

And so, on to today....

Today is Day #2 of Chef sitting in his room wrapped in a sheet that has definitely seen better days. In my ongoing attempt at minimizing, I decided about a month ago that I don't need all the sets of sheets I've received over the years, so I passed along a nice, new'ish set to Chef. I figured a high thread count would enhance its longevity. Fast forward a few weeks and you'll find the bottom sheet no longer in existence and the top sheet is now torn along the edges with various holes here and there, and spotted with fingerprint-shaped bloodstains from picked/dabbed scabs. Apparently this is the stuff of which togas are made.

The most recent TogaDays started a few days ago if we include the lead-up days. Chef was reminded to toss in his load of laundry on Wednesday evening once we returned from retreat. He was reminded again on Thursday and again on Friday. On Saturday morning when Chef came downstairs to play with his niece who'd arrived for the day, he went down to put his laundry in the dryer then said he would finish on Sunday. I asked him how his clothes would look if he kept them in the dryer overnight. "Not good. But I don't want to do chores, it's holidays." "You've been on holidays for over a week without chores and you need clean clothes." "K." But it wasn't ok. Chores were avoided at all cost and we shifted into "no fun for Chef til his clothes are done and dishes are finished" mode. By yesterday, Chef had completely run out of clothes and decided this meant a day off to just hang out in his room. This created two self-confessed dilemmas for Chef: hunger and boredom. Togas are not welcomed mealtime attire in my home. This means that Chef needed to get his clothes, get dressed, and be ready to eat at mealtimes. Chef chose otherwise and was given a snack in the afternoon and another in the evening. We talked about what had "worked" and what hadn't "worked" and what would have "worked" and about Chef's plan for the next day. I went downstairs to water plants and discovered little white clumps/spots all over the deck. Baking soda. Chef was not impressed with having to come downstairs in his toga to clean up his mess on the deck.

Today was a rerun of yesterday until 1pm when I told Chef that he needed to go outside and get back into his exercise program and get his day going. Chef grumped down the stairs and out to the deck, tucked his elbows against his body and limply flapped his hands while bouncing a couple of times. He then came to the window and grumpily asked if he could come inside. I told him he could gladly come inside once his attitude shifted, and reminded him (again!) that he needed to cover his private areas. This was met with two stomping, partial jumping jacks and a grumpier return to the window. I told him if having the window open was going to be too difficult for him to focus on finding his good space, I could easily close it. Chef crossed his arms across his chest and scowled at me. I closed the window and walked away. Chef bumped his head against the screen, scowling into the kitchen. I closed the blind. Shortly thereafter, Chef was engaged in getting his exercise going. I went out to the deck with my guitar and strummed quietly. One of neighbours came by and said she was concerned because she's been seeing Chef leaning far out of his bedroom window. She also wondered why there were little clumps of "white stuff" all over their deck and the yard between our deck and her's. I glanced over at Chef with raised eyebrows. Chef scowled and said "I didn't.." but I interrupted him by putting my hand up and saying, "Stop. You need to go over immediately and clean the neighbours' deck." Chef stomped over to the neighbours'. The neighbour kept repeating, "It's ok, I cleaned most of it up. I just don't want him doing that anymore. And how did he throw it so far?" I told her my guess was that he'd probably mixed it with water to clump it together (interestingly, Chef had told me he couldn't do any chores on the weekend because he didn't know where the baking soda was) and told her that Chef still needed to clean her deck off as part of the message that this was not appropriate for him to do. The neighbour then told Chef that the next time he throws anything onto her deck she would be calling the police. I agreed with her decision. We tried talking with Chef about safety concerns regarding leaning out the window but he was in "scowl and ignore" mode, though he was doing a good job of cleaning up what was left of his mess. I decided it might be a good time to call in a male member of Chef's support network so Chef would have the same message from other supportive individuals other than just his mom (that would be me, the exterior brain that Chef accesses to help him get back to a reasonable space of life when he isn't coping well, aka the target of Chef's anger/frustrations/fear/worry/etc when he makes decisions that don't work for him and/or gets caught in his bad choices) and his female neighbour (who used to be his primary respite provider and now receives disrespect from Chef, though not always). Thankfully, I was able to get a hold of one such individual and he came down and talked with Chef about wanting to take him to hockey games next season, and the importance of dressing appropriately, the importance of safety, the necessity of chores, etc. He also pointed out to Chef that it would be good for him to apologize to the neighbours. Chef replied that he had already apologized but accepted Ed's comment that it would be good to apologize again. I sent Chef back over to finish cleaning up at the neighbours' then we went inside. Chef immediately went to finish his laundry. He then did most of the dishes, lied about cleaning up his messes he'd made on the floor then went back and cleaned them up, then announced that he was cleaning the bathrooms as well. I placed a few calls to other members of Chef's team with regards to the best way(s) to address safety concerns about the window. Presently, Chef still hasn't yet brought a clean sheet/blanket upstairs to his bedroom, but his clothing is clean and dry and hanging in the closet. Chef's had supper, has bathed and is wearing clean nightwear, and is singing in his room - near his door, so I know he isn't leaning out the window.

Tomorrow is Day #2 of Chef's volunteer position at the local arts center. He'll be helping with the little ones at their day camp.

So, we made it. Phew! A bit of grumping, a bit of on-strike, a bit of throwing (there are definitely much-worse things to throw than baking soda!)....but I'm thinking this might have all escalated into full-blown tantrum a year ago. Growth is such a good thing.

Oh Monday, I Will Miss Thee

What a weekend!

As soon as Chef came home from school on Friday, we walked over to the festival downtown. I'd already walked through in the afternoon to get a sense of where everything was, and good thing I did because it didn't take long before Chef started asking what was set up and whereabouts, etc., etc. We did a lot of walking! Chef had a long, fully-loaded vendor hotdog for supper, as well as some fruit he'd brought along. I'd let him know that that was his only treat this weekend other than being at the event itself. We'd talked through the week about how I was choosing not to spend any money on Chef during the event because that's how I felt after he'd stolen from me, and about Chef needing to do chores to earn spending money for the event - which he didn't. But Chef didn't complain at all throughout the festival and seemed to very much enjoy himself. (In fact, when he later found some ride tickets on the sidewalk, I told him it would be a good idea to be a good community member by giving them to someone else considering he has often taken from his community without repayment/restitution. Chef said he didn't like the rides anyway and seemingly easily gave them to a passerby.) We walked the length of the main area first, then walked back along the other side. Chef talked a lot about how fun it would be to go on the small, inflatable bouncer structures they'd set up for the younger crowd. He filled in a ticket by every "free draw" sign he saw, collected papers from various vendors/info tables til I pointed out that he had plenty, and completely lit up when he saw cupcakes with multicoloured swirly icing. We saw Chef's CFS worker again, and again Chef didn't recognize him, and often asked throughout the day, "Who was that?" "Who were you waving at?" "Who were you talking to? Do I know them?" A couple of times we bumped into friends who have family members Chef's age who Chef knows - both times, Chef removed himself and sat a distance away while I visited, even after initially saying hello with encouragement. At the petting zoo area, we talked about how we would feel if we were in a small pen/cage all day having strangers pet and poke, and how it's a bit tricky when it comes to petting zoos because they encourage interest in the animals yet it's a cruel situation for the animals present. Chef pointed to a kitten in a small kennel container and said he sure wouldn't want to be that kitten. (Later on, we returned to the petting zoo with Chef's niece and Chef excitedly pointed and said, "Mom, look! They have kittens here!" I wasn't sure what to make of that.) One spot had a small putting area set up and Chef made 3 attempts to get the ball in and chose a small army figure as a prize. I asked what he planned on doing with it, since I don't allow war toys in our home. "I don't know," he said. We watched one of my former coworkers on the free stage. Chef seemed much more taken with his toy soldier, flying it in the air, pretending to have it shoot until I reminded him he was going overboard for a 15 year old. He grumped a bit, then tuned into the music and was soon tapping along to the beat. When we left the stage area, Chef went back to the putting area and traded in his toy soldier for Canadian flag tattoos. In the evening, we had my oldest grandchild with us and Chef went into full uncle mode. When Chef is in good space, he is so very good with his nieces. We took her to the children's tent where Chef showed her how to toss beanbags into a hole-y cow and coloured with her. Chef very excitedly showed her the petting zoo and proudly pushed her stroller throughout the evening. On Saturday, Chef eagerly packed a bag of food for the day and back we went. We watched a few friends perform on stage, then wandered and visited with folks. Around 6'ish, we were sitting for a moment when Chef pointed to the sidewalk. "That almost looks like a ticket for something except it would be backwards because it says Terms and Conditions on it." I glanced down and nodded. Chef went back to eating some fruit and looking around while we relaxed, then he bent down and picked up the paper and showed it to me. "Is this a ticket for the concert tonight?" It was! And with rush seating, there was no way of returning the ticket to its original owner. I quickly sent a text message to some folks I knew who were already seated by the stage and asked if Chef could join them. So Chef ended his day by attending his first concert and, even though he sat with women, he wasn't there with his Mom! A very tired Chef came home around 11:30pm and went right to bed.

At 1pm the next day, I asked Chef if he planned on coming downstairs at all or if he was going to sleep more. He grumpily came down the stairs, looked at what his sister and I were cooking on the stove (bacon and eggs), and grumpily announced that he needed to do laundry and asked his sister to go down to the basement so he could use the laundry room (because her room is downstairs and Chef has a problem with stealing). She said he'd have to wait. Chef grumped more. I reminded him to quickly get dressed because brunch was already later than usual and wouldn't be waiting for him. Chef slowly dragged his feet over to the sink and said he was doing dishes. I asked if he wasn't eating and he shrugged, so I reminded him to get dressed and have a bite to eat before he does anything else. More grumping. "Turn things around or go deal with your grumpiness or go back to bed, but don't continue the grumping." Chef went out to the deck and did some jumping jacks then came inside with tone/grumpiness. I told him that I was going to do something ONLY because he was out at a concert late the night before, then handed him some of his favourite fruit and told him to go up and have a nice, long, relaxing bath (Chef hasn't bathed again in awhile, so I wasn't sure if he'd accept it as a relaxer at that point) and that if he needed a nap afterwards, that would be fine. About half an hour later, I went up to check on his and heard what sounded like Chef quickly getting into the tub. When he said I could come in, Chef was sitting in the tub with dry hair and a mostly-dry upper body. He responded very grumpily to my step-by-step prompts for washing his hair then shifted (grumpily but on his own!) into washing his body. I went back downstairs. About an hour later, Chef announced from the stairs that he wanted brunch. I told him brunch was over long ago and that the rest of us were having a rest and that he could either just have some quiet time in his room or nap. He went to his room and when he came down later, he said he was going to do the dishes. I didn't say anything. A few moments later, he said he was going to clean the bathroom. I didn't say anything. A few moments later, he came into the living room and said he wanted bacon. I told him the bacon was for brunch and was gone, but he could have peanut butter sandwiches and fruit for supper (he's been asking on the weekend to take peanut butter sandwiches to school for lunch on Monday but I've been reminding him that it's best to have those just at home due to others' sensitivities). He made an angry face and started talking with tone and I just pointed to the window. Chef went outside and did some jumping jacks. When I opened the door to talk with him, he continued with tone. I closed the door and let him work things out for a bit then I asked him through the open window what he should have done when he came downstairs. We reviewed, he came inside, ate, and had a quiet evening in his room. I thought he'd taken some books up with him to read, but when I went to check on him later, I noticed the books on the hallway desk. I went upstairs and knocked on his door. When he said to come in, I opened the door to find a foggy room and a naked Chef standing and holding a piece of cloth over his groin area. His window was closed, his bathrobe was along the floor behind the door, and there was water dripping from different spots on the ceiling and along the walls, and shaving cream foam inside the keyboard bench. I picked up the spray bottle that he'd used from the bathroom and told Chef to open his window and to clean up the water. "I can't open my window. Bugs will come in (Chef has already wrecked two screens in short order, so there isn't one in his window at the moment). That's why I've been spraying water - to kill the bugs." I glanced over to the desk where Chef was pointing. Three dead flies.

I sent my sister, who also works with children with various different abilities, a text message asking if she had any ideas for air circulation in Chef's room. If there is air (warm in winter or cool in summer) coming through his vent, Chef usually blocks it off with his mattress or books. My sister suggested a plug-in fan but Chef has played dangerously with items with electrical plugs so a plug-in fan would make me very nervous, plus he doesn't like air movement. She suggested a ceiling fan, but again that's blowing air and Chef has already wrecked 2 or 3 light fixtures. My concern is keeping Chef's body temp in a good place when he's spending any time in his room on hot summer days or days with high humidity, such as yesterday. We thought maybe ice packs might work - unless he opens them up. Ice frozen in a baggie would quickly be removed and used for various purposes, as I've learned with water in a hot/cold water bottle. Hopefully I can find ice packs that have safe interiors and tough exteriors.

Today is Monday. This is Chef's one exam day. Before school, Chef took out the garbage, got dressed, asked again about taking peanut butter sandwiches, asked if I had made anything for his bus driver (we'd talked earlier in the week about making some baked goods on the weekend to give his bus driver as a year-end gift), grabbed two pieces of fruit, and was out the door before the bus arrived.

Ah, Summer

Today is Chef's official last day of Grade 10.

It's also party day at school and a festival weekend where we live. Both of these could cause the next few days to go either way, but I think I remember Chef enjoying last years town festival so hopefully that and the school party will help in getting Chef past the upcoming exam week.

Chef has been quite quiet the last few days other than regular comments about his EA going to Africa, exam week coming up, and how cool all the video games are at school. He's been wearing his bathrobe inside-out all week, even with reminders, and it is already showing signs of wear and tear even though he's only been using it a week or two. Hygiene prompts have fallen on deaf ears, and the same outfit has been worn for a week. Chef seems more tired than usual and has been sneezing.

When I asked him what he was looking forward to most about summer holidays, he first shrugged and said he didn't know. When reminded to take some time to think about the question before answering, he paused then said, "The quiet." When I asked him for more details, he said he was looking forward to not having to hear noise all day at school.

With Chef's recent interest in reading books about Autism (after watching the Temple Grandin and RainMan movies), I'm hoping his interest will continue through summer. We have tons of books in our house (though I'm trying to minimize!), including many on the medieval era (another area of interest for Chef, though he's recently developed more of an interest in greek mythology), nature, trivial facts, and various diagnoses, etc. Chef's an avid reader, but he didn't do much reading at all last summer (possibly due to my offer to pay him money for any 2 or 3 page book reports he would do on books he'd read). I'm also hoping he'll go back to strumming/experimenting on the guitar - something he was willingly doing outside last year til neighbourhood kids asked him why he was doing that. We'll try some visual art again this summer, probably focusing on watercolours since he did a cool watercolour piece before Christmas. We also have our deck plants and a plot in the community garden, and Chef's usually-eagerly-embraced role is to look for good shots when we go on photography walks.

There is a family who has signed on to do once-a-month weekend respite, but nothing's happened with that since the first weekend Chef went there at the end of April, and we haven't heard from them nor have they returned calls from Chef's worker. My married daughter and her husband usually provide 4 hours of evening respite every other week, but they will be moving to another town in summer. Finding respite providers has always been a challenge. When I worked with Community Living, there were some staff who would have been great with/for Chef, but they weren't interested in taking on respite in addition to their shifts. I'm so very thankful for the respite funding that is in place - hopefully we'll be able to find providers to match.

Studios, Seashells, and Dignity

Thursday, June 16, 2011

This past weekend was wonderful.

I needed to rent a car for an appointment (and when you rent for a Friday or Monday, it costs less to rent for the entire weekend on the weekend special than to rent for just the one day), so took a friend up on an invitation for a day of touring artists' studios up along the lake on Saturday. It was an altogether wonderful day.

On Friday, I told Chef that we'd be renting a car and going places on the weekend but wasn't sure exactly where yet, aside from running errands on Friday evening. He also knew his oldest niece was spending Friday evening with us which always is always a positive note.

On Saturday, Chef read and slept in the car, occasionally glancing out the window and commenting on a place where he'd been. When we stopped to pick up water, I let him run into the store on his own because I could park the car where I could see him, and reminded him to bring the receipt. He was back in short order and very excitedly reported that there were fresh samosas in the store. I gave him enough for two and he came back with his little paper bag, eager to eat them right away. Chef wandered throughout the various studios with my friend and me through the day, commenting on what he liked, and easily went off to talk with folks if he asked me a question and was redirected to ask the artist. Occasionally he moved into what I know as the beginning of his "baby'ish mode" which usually only happens when he is either with someone brand new (doesn't always happen with new folks, but when it does happen it is often around new folks) or happens in combination with something he is wanting; ice-cream, for example! Chef also has no qualms about asking people for something he wants when it comes to things like ice-cream or other items in the "treat" category, so sometimes there's a combination of outright asking and baby'ish mode. All in all, he definitely seemed to enjoy his day. There were the studios with all their colours, textures, pictures, shapes, etc., a lovely dog to pet, instruments to see and Viking horns to blow, chilli fries, ice-cream, the beach, the other beach. Oh yes, the beach. Chef remembered being at a stretch of beach further down the highway than where we were on Saturday, and very much wanted to go there to collect shells, evidenced by the questions/comments about the other beach and the great amount of shells there compared to the beaches we visited. Once he settled into just enjoying where he was, however, it didn't take long before Chef rolled up his pant legs and waded in, collected clay and stones and - yes! An occasional shell!

On Sunday, Chef got up and...well, I don't remember who made brunch nor what we had. But after brunch, Chef did dishes and put in his laundry and put his younger niece into time out for not listening to him about leaving the bottles in the door of the fridge. My daughter and I were quite surprised by this turn of events and were not completely unamused as we quietly watched Chef perfectly replicate all the timeout steps he has seen his sister and me use with his niece. A bit later, I went upstairs and left Chef to himself for a few minutes while he finished up in the kitchen then went out on the deck to play with his niece til we left for my sisters' place. When I came back downstairs, I sadly discovered that my backpack had been looted. There it is. That ol' "he's been doing so well with not stealing" misdirected radar. Chef does well for awhile with not stealing when I'm with him then I'm lulled into a sense that I can let down support in that area once in awhile and BAM! Stealing. I went into the kitchen to see if I could find where the money had been stashed and chatted with my daughter about how it sure didn't work when I left my backpack downstairs with an unsupervised Chef - and there it was! A $20 bill sitting on top of the fridge, nudged near the back. That still left some smaller money unaccounted for, but at least the 20 was found. Chef seemed to have a great time at my sisters' place. He had two mounding plates of supper followed by dessert (and showed his "poor me" expression when reminded that was enough), and spent the bulk of the visit otherwise playing video games with my niece and using her scooter outside (very nice, especially considering it wasn't that long ago when Chef would stay in his room when folks came to visit, and would refuse to do anything to get ready to come along when we were going to someone else's place, even family). When we came home, I told Chef he still needed to deal with his stealing. He made his confused look/scoffing sound and started with, "I didn't.." but stopped when I shook my head. He then went into "poor me" mode. I reminded him that he could either deal with it now or we would be continuing this discussion first thing in the morning and that's no way to start a day. "I took the money." "The whole story." "I took money from your backpack. It's on the fridge." "The rest of the money?" "I only took what's on the fridge." Since Chef has not been doing his regular chores consistently, nevermind doing any extra chores to earn money, he will lose his free time as well as his opportunity to earn money this week in order to pay back for the act of stealing. Now, the tricky part here is that one of Chef's goals in life has often/usually been to just be by himself in his room and to get out of chores. What I've found, however, is that if this is used routinely enough and Chef loses times with his niece in the evening, etc., it does make some degree of difference to him. There have been times when Chef purposely does something in hopes of being sent to his room for at-home respite, but it has a bit of a different impact if it is implemented otherwise. It's my opinion that Chef is growing in this area. It's a very slow growth and there are times when "one step forward, two steps back" is all too true, but it's almost like a life-dance - trying different steps, moving back to his comfort zone, finding his comfort zone being used differently and having to rethink that, finding comfort in moments outside his comfort zone, and slowly realizing that it does actually feel good to grow and experience dignity.

Recent Lunch Mystery Solved - I Think!

June 10, 2011

This evening we were grocery shopping - one of the most consistently pleasant activities with Chef. I really enjoy grocery shopping with Chef. He eagerly engages in every aspect of grocery shopping and successfully completes any and all tasks associated with it. He also is quite chatty while he is checking nutritional labels and prices, asking me whether or not I like certain foods and comparing to his own likes and occasionally the likes of friends at school (yes, the word "friends" seems very accurate this year!), points out if he spots a problem in the store and easily interacts with staff as needed. As we returned to the parking lot, I asked him if he just didn't like the stew anymore and that's why he wasn't taking it for lunches (thinking that maybe he doesn't take lunches when the primary item is something I've made rather than something he's made, and thinking that maybe that's something I'll need to sort of keep an eye on as a possibility). I was wrong.

"No. I just don't like it frozen."
"You've eaten it frozen??"
"No. I meant. Um, I can't think of what I mean. I need it to be thawed up because it's not thawed up at lunchtime."
"I thought you use the microwave at school."
"No. Well I do, but the EA who's with me then doesn't like me using it because I take too long and she's the only EA in the room then and needs to be with the other kids so she doesn't like me using the microwave."
"Did she tell you that, or did you just think that she thinks that way because of something that happened?"
"No, she told me a long time ago so I try not to bring anything that needs the microwave."
"But the main part of your lunches have almost always been cooked food that needs to be microwaved. Why didn't you say something a long time ago when that EA told you that?"
"I didn't want to get her in trouble. Plus I understand, cuz it's alot of other kids too and she's the only EA."
"It has nothing to do with anyone getting in trouble. If you needed a change in the lunches you were bringing, then there needed to be a change."
"K. I wasn't sure what to do when she told me. Besides, I just get full on the fruit I've been bringing anyway, except (Chef's regular EA) says the rash I've sometimes been getting around my mouth might be from the mango I eat every day."

So, one mystery solved - maybe even two! And with that, goodnight!

Glasses at Last!

June 10, 2011

Chef took his glasses to school today!

He also brushed his teeth, and it seemed as though he would take his lunch - he opened the freezer, put his hand into the freezer, paused, was reminded he needed to be out for the bus, removed his (empty) hand, closed the freezer door, walked slowly over to the fruit baskets, picked up a mango and a grapefruit, picked up his glasses, went outside, and started doing some morning exercises. I'll need to explore the "hand reaching into the freezer, removing still-empty hand from freezer without lunch item" with him later. When I intially asked him about it this morning, he said he pulled out his hand because he heard me talking and knew he had to look at my eyes so he closed the freezer door so he could see me. Excellent listening skills recall! The only problem is that he was already going towards the fruit as he closed the freezer door. So maybe "listening skills" was the initial message in his brain but the thought of picking up the fruit interrupted? I asked if his hand couldn't have just picked up the lunch item while it was right there, or did he just not want to take that in his lunch. He said he didn't know.

Last night, after yet another evening of not doing dishes, I asked Chef to sit outside by me while I worked on some deck-gardening. We talked about goals. Chef said his goal is to go to school - excellent life goal! I started asking him questions about the various steps involved in going to school, and kept working backwards until we got back to taking care of one's body, taking care of responsibilities at home, etc. Chef said he didn't want to do jobs at home because he only wants a good job where he can earn lots of money. Of course, we reviewed the ol' "need to show success in small jobs before taking on big ones." I explained (again!) that not everyone likes doing every kind of job, especially when it comes to chores at home, but that they need doing regardless. Chef nodded and said that he doesn't want to do chores. I reminded him that he needed some way of paying back for items he's stolen/damaged. He looked surprised, as though he had forgotten that part. I asked him if he could think of other ways to earn money to repay for items in that category (one past idea was "to make a picture that you could buy from me then I'd give you some of the money" - and I'm pretty sure he seriously thought that was a workable plan! When I offered to do up a website where he could sell pictures, plus numerous other ideas offered to him for making money, he's never shown interest or a willingness to start on anything along those lines). We've explored this possibility before, but this time he just shook his head. I reminded him that the sooner he does some extra chores, the sooner he'd be caught up and the sooner he'd have more spending money. I also told him that I would love to support him in applying for part-time summer jobs this summer but he has to show a willingness to work at home first. He again said that he only gets a little money til then so he doesn't want to work.

If anyone has ideas in this area, feel free to share them! Right now, my approach is to continue to support him in learning through repetition. Incentives historically have not been beneficial (and generally "don't work" with children living with attachment disorder). In the meantime, if you plan on dropping by sometime this afternoon or this evening, bring your own clean cup ;-)

Someone reminded me of something the other day. When a child with attachment disorder is exhibiting some challenges that differ than usual or are of a higher degree, sometimes it's because there's been growth or that they are feeling a healthier attachment and that brings about a sense of fear/panic in them. I think sometimes we forget how scary it is for some kids when they're healing. Chef's grown alot this year. That's been evident in many areas.

When I used to work with adults with disabilities, we'd often talk about putting ourselves in the shoes of the adults for whom we provided support. One individual needed help in using the washroom and sometimes showed frustration in the washroom. Well, there may have been other reasons as well for the frustration, but I'd feel frustrated if I always needed help in that area every single time every single day. And every single day, Chef needs to figure out how to function in this world that he doesn't even understand in so many areas, and he has to do so with a brain that doesn't always function the way he needs it to function and with a perception that makes the world a very confusing place at times. For all these reasons, I believe Chef's doing very well.

But yes, he still needs to do the dishes ;-)

Lunch at Last!

June 9, 2011

Morning:

Chef took his lunch to school! And an entire lunch at that - stew, a mango, a grapefruit. He also picked up a loaf of bread and had intended to take that as well then put it down when he was reminded to take only some of the loaf and to wrap it or put it in a container.

I asked Chef why he hadn't changed his shirt yet this week. "Because I didn't have a bath last night." The schoolbus was already waiting, so I didn't continue the conversation at that point but I'll be exploring that statement with Chef tonight to find out what he meant. Maybe Chef's understanding of putting on a clean shirt after having a bath means the ONLY time you put on a clean shirt is after having a bath. Hmmm.

Partway through the morning I received a text from Chef's EA asking about Chef's glasses because Chef had told his EA that I wouldn't let him have them. I have two thoughts on this - either he's doing his usual and blaming me for his actions and/or choices OR he's confusing the conversations regarding his old glasses, which are to now stay home (though he knows his new glasses are to be at school and he's had numerous reminders to take them there).

This weekend a friend has offered to take us along for a tour of various artists' studios. As often happens regarding such events, I'm torn. As Chef's Mom, I know this would be a beneficial opportunity for him and would create some positive memories in his life. But also as Chef's Mom, it sure would be nice to have some time alone with friends and just focus on myself for a change during an event...shockingly, even with the way Chef has behaved her lately, my neighbour has offered to take Chef for the day so I could have the day to myself. The catch is, that as relaxing as that sounds, I have a sense that I'd be waiting all day for the phonecall saying Chef had run off from her place or was causing problems for her, and that I'd be dealing with his anger all the next day. On the other hand, there is never a guarantee that Chef will go along somewhere. The only thing for certain right now is that I won't be telling Chef anything until Friday evening or possibly Saturday morning because there's always a strong risk that Chef will "act out" if he knows in advance that we're going somewhere new or there's a change in his general routine. Right now, though, I'm definitely leaning towards bringing him along on the studio tour and hoping that the memories from that day will make it all worthwhile.

I've been looking for volunteers for this summer; folks who would be willing to commit to spending at least one hour a week with Chef to take him to the park or swimming, etc. I've put a request on Facebook and have sent emails to the local colleges. My hope is that having different people doing different activities with him throughout the summer would help Chef continue to grow in his social skills and accept a broader variety of people in his life, as well as provide a bit of respite time. It would definitely be of benefit to students who are studying in certain fields, and volunteer opportunities are always good for community-building. We sure haven't had much success in finding individuals to work with Chef otherwise, but I'm hoping that an hour a week will be do-able for some folks who are community-minded.

Morning Brain

June 8, 2011

Today was Day #3 of Chef going to school without his lunch. He's back to waiting til the very last minute to get ready for the bus regardless of how much or how little time he has in the morning. He has lunch servings of one of his favourite stews frozen in the kitchen freezer and there are baskets of fruit on the table/counter. There are days when I've even removed the stew from the freezer and set it out with fruit for him to pick up and reminded him to take his lunch - and yet it is still sitting in the same place as he makes his mad dash out the door once the bus arrives. (There are many times that Chef does bring his lunch. In fact, there are many times that Chef prepares his own lunches AND brings them to school. Other times - well, not so much. Lately, the most consistency there's been with lunches going out the door and breakfast being eaten has been on mornings when I have put Chef's lunch and a portable breakfast item outside for Chef. And while that "works" as far as ensuring he's getting food into his belly, it doesn't work when it comes to supporting independence.) When I've asked what he's been eating for lunch, he says he hasn't been eating anything but his school staff has told me other times that when Chef doesn't bring his lunch, other kids share with him. This is the first year when that's been ok with a school - this is also the first year that Chef hasn't been sneaking food from other students' lunches regardless of whether or not he has his own lunch. This morning, Chef grabbed a mango and an orange on his way out the door.

During the past weekend, Chef found his new glasses that he'd misplaced shortly after receiving them. They look so nice on him! I reminded him to bring his broken glasses home from school on Monday so he could trade and have his broken glasses at home and his nice new ones at school. Chef did great - brought his old glasses home on Monday! His new glasses, however, continue to sit in the front hallway about 3-4 feet from the door. I asked him again this evening how things are going at school without glasses (terribly!) and reminded him again that he needs to bring his glasses to school.

We had an incredible storm last night, complete with lightning, hail, and very loud thunder. Chef and I were out chatting with a neighbour earlier this evening and she asked Chef if the storm had woken him. Chef shrugged and said he'd slept through it. I smiled and reminded Chef that it wasn't long ago when a storm like that would have had him screaming and panicking.

It's definitely nice to look back and see so much growth over the years.

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service?

June 8, 2011

Chef came home from school in good space yesterday. He usually has a rest time when he gets home and yesterday was no exception - snoring was heard in short order and there were no other sounds from Chef's room for nearly 2 hours. Chef came into the kitchen wearing just a shirt; a long-sleeved, button-up shirt that covered
"everything" well, but just a shirt nonetheless. I raised my eyebrows.

"Really? Is wearing just a shirt appropriate?"
"I can't find my shorts for at home" (because Chef is back down to just one pair of pants, he has a pair of shorts that he changes into when he comes home from school and has been using them as pyjamas as well)
"You can't find them?"
"I left them at school."
"Should they have gone to school?"
"No."
"Tell me what should have happened this morning."
"I should have gotten dressed before the bus came."
"What do you need to do now?"
"Put on my robe."
"Quickly. Then we'll do supper on the deck."

I went into the washroom and when I came out I noticed Chef's robe still on the living room chair but I knew I'd heard the back door. Sure enough, when I glanced out, there was Chef sitting on a chair on the deck, eating. Shirt only.

"Is this appropriate?"
"Um. No. I was hungry."
"I don't want your bare bottom on one of my chairs. Get off the chair immediately and get your robe."

I came inside without closing the door behind me, thinking Chef was following. He wasn't. I glanced back out the window and saw him sitting on the deck, eating.

"What did we just talk about that you need to do?"
"Um. Get my robe?"
"Exactly. Get your robe on. Find your focus or your willingness to do what you need to do, whatever it is you need to find to move on appropriately with your evening, find it now."

Chef stood up and started doing some jumping jacks.
"I don't want to see your penis when I look out the window, and the folks across the way sure don't need a show. Come inside, put on your robe, find your focus."

Thump.Thump.Thump. Chef was now doing jumping jacks with his shirt tucked between his legs.

"Dude! To your room. Immediately."
"I'll look dumb in a robe!"
"To your room."

As Chef walked past the living room chair, he glanced down at his robe and said, "Oh, there it is."

When Chef was called down a few minutes later, he immediately put on his robe.

Chef remained in good space the rest of the evening. At one point, he asked again whether we're going to any music performances this summer, chatted again about how his EA is leaving for Africa, we talked a bit about again at how surprised I was that he hadn't wanted to finish a can of iced tea the other day because it was too sweet for him. When Chef started dishes, I went up to see how things were in his room since the ripped-open lining of the armchair and books had been discovered. The concern was that the neighbour thought that the first item Chef had thrown onto her deck was likely a screw or something along those lines. I'd noticed awhile back that Chef had removed a couple of the nails out of the back of his computer desk. And he'd started more toenail collections. All in all, time to do a safety check.

And there they were - little piles of staples that had been removed from the underside of the armchair. The chair's been in Chef's room for over a month, I think, and the lining was just torn open within the past week. The staples will have been removed within the last two days. I'm still not sure when Chef will have taken the pile of books upstairs, nor how he got them home without any of us noticing. I do know that he's sometimes done such in stages; hidden something outside then stealthily brought it inside at some point and hidden it somewhere else, etc. Sometimes he's even forgotten about items he's hidden. I don't usually watch Chef walk from the bus anymore, and there have been a couple of days here and there when my daughter has been home when Chef has arrived at home, so there are possibilities there for stolen books to make their way into the house. Chef always does "a check" before going up to his room, but not always when he is going upstairs under the guise of cleaning the upstairs bathroom so there's that possibility. Hmmm.

At any rate, it's clearly no longer safe for the chair to be in Chef's room. He brought it downstairs and took it out to the trash, along with the remainder of the nails I'd pulled out from his computer desk.

And with that, we called it an early night and Chef was soon snoring upstairs.

Disrespecting the Neighbours

June 7, 2011

I missed an item on the "what is in Chef's room" list. He also had an old "valet" (for men to hang suit jackets, a little shelf for change, etc.) we'd picked up at the thrift shop quite some time ago.

I was reminded of it when our neighbour showed up at our door last night at 10pm. She held out a piece of wood that had a large metal tab on the side, and told me that had been thrown onto her deck. She said just prior to the wood landing on her deck, there had been a different sound similar to maybe a screw being thrown against wood. My mind wandered through possibilities but also realized there was a slight familiarity about this piece of wood with a large metal tab with the words, "Made in Italy" imprinted on it. Then I realized - Chef's valet. What had landed on the neighbours' deck was the top part of the valet. I went up to Chef's room and told him he needed to come downstairs. He pretended to be angry that I'd woken him and very grumpily sauntered down the stairs.

This neighbour used to provide respite/childcare for Chef when I was working. The more he was the there, the more disrespectful Chef became towards her and her children (who live with various disabilities) and the more things began to fall apart to the point where I no longer had anyone to provide care/support for Chef. To date, Chef continues to harass/disrespect this neighbour and her family at times if he believes I am not in earshot or can't see what he's doing.

To make a long story short, Chef vehemently denied that he had any knowledge of anything landing on the neighbours' deck. He feigned anger at the neighbours for lying about him and at me for believing the neighbours instead of believing him. From 10:00pm til 11:15ish, Chef swore, grumped, and showed many inappropriate responses to the situation he'd created and at the reminders to use his management tools. He did, however, take the valet over to the thrift shop drop-off area as requested. Around 11:15ish, Chef went for a run and by 11:30pm he was back in bed.

This morning, Chef slept through his alarm and through a reminder from me that it was time to get up. When I told him his bus had arrived, however, he jumped up and flew down the stairs, making faces at me and attempting to blame me for him having slept so late. I reminded him that his morning would have gone easier if he hadn't done what he'd done the night before, reminded him that his lunch was on the kitchen counter, and reminded him that he would need to get dressed at school rather than outside (which is what he has often done if he waits til the bus arrives before getting ready to leave). Chef grabbed his clothes and ran out the door wearing the old jean shorts he's recently been wearing as pyjamas.

Restitution: Chef will be paying his allowance to the neighbour for the inconvenience/disrespect/risk of property damage from last night, and will be sweeping her deck and steps for the next week to practice being a good neighbour and good community member.

Books

June 6, 2011

Chef's bedroom is fairly empty

Right now, it contains a computer desk (which is slowly being taken apart), a mattress, what is left of the bench from when the piano keyboard was in Chef's room, an upholstered armchair, and a laminated map which Chef keeps on the floor beside his mattress.

After years of continuing to attempt to create a nice space for Chef and then attempting to help Chef create a nice space only to have numerous items just not last very long within those four walls, Chef stated that he feels better with nothing in his room. Kudos for self-awareness and communication.

Books in the bedroom are a bit of a tricky area though. We have tons of books, and Chef is a great reader. But books in the bedroom are a different creature - they've kept Chef up at night making it nearly impossible for him to function the next day, they've woken others in the night when they've dropped onto the floor, they've had pages torn out and turned into teeny bits of paper ball lined up along the bedroom baseboards or made into spitballs to decorate the bedroom ceiling or turned into paper airplanes and flown out the bedroom window (years ago, some even had notes written on them, something to the effect of, "Please help! My mother has been in the hospital for weeks and I have been here by myself. Please go to shoppers and get me cereal and chips. If you don't do this, imagine how you are making someone feel"), and there have been times when books have been the reason that Chef seems "off" on an occasional evening.

For all those reasons and then some, Chef does presently have limited access to books. Magazines can be in the bedroom anytime at all as long as they are magazines that belong to Chef. Books, however, are not to be in his bedroom unless they are his own or he has asked permission to borrow someone else's book, and they can only be in his bedroom during certain times - anytime (free time) on the weekend as long as they are brought back downstairs before going to bed Sunday night, and anytime (free time) during the week as long as they are brought back downstairs before bedtime.

The exception: no sneaking/hiding books upstairs. As mentioned earlier, there have been times that Chef has seemed "off" during an evening/afternoon and it has later been discovered that his goal was to be sent to his room so he could read. Reading as a goal? Awesome. Trying to get sent to your room? Not cool. Such was the case today. Six books tucked into the ripped lining on the underside of the armchair. So we chatted. The lining and the books have been removed. Chef is in bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

Shifting Mornings

May 31, 2011

Today is Day #2 of the new chore plan: Wake Chef up early to take care of his responsibilities/chores because he doesn't want to do any at all in the evenings or on the weekends.

This morning's task was to wash/dry 10 dishes and put items from the fridge/table into a lunchbag. I woke Chef 45 minutes early to allow for plenty of time.

Chef washed/dried 1 item, attempted whining when reminded that a dish needs to be placed into the sink to be washed, and didn't put any food into a lunch bag.

Of course, this morning plan isn't going to "work" in the sense that Chef is going to be in good spirits to accomplish any tasks, and it certainly isn't going to help his already-challenged mornings (though last week I switched the morning plan to Chef getting up and dressed and out the door with his lunch and a piece of fruit for breakfast waiting for him on the front porch - that "worked" well), but the hope/goal is that Chef will learn/realize that all these attempts he makes at doing everything he can think of to avoid anything he views as being connected to work just aren't worthwhile, and that all the effort and time he puts into avoiding is more effort and time than would have been needed to just do the work.

Some view this area as Chef continually trying to power struggle. I view it as an area that is challenging for Chef for many reasons but that is a basic part of successful, healthy living, and a life lesson that will serve Chef well in various areas. What has "worked" for Chef is letting him live with and learn from his choices and for me to be open to living outside the box to allow Chef to learn those life lessons.

Monday, May 30, Part Two

Chef hates attending medical appointments himself, and he isn't big on me attending mine either.

Last Tuesday, Chef needed to go over to our neighbour's place in the morning until the school bus arrived. I had to be at appointments about an hour away. Chef has always found it difficult to manage if he knows I'm not feeling well or have medical appointments. His anxiety is heightened during such times, and there's always a delicate balance between preparing Chef for possible changes to his day (if he needs to go to respite due to appointments) and keeping his anxiety at bay otherwise. If Chef is told too soon about a change, it heightens his anxiety which is usually spilled out in various ways til the event happens. If he's not told til the last possible minute, there's a risk of anger/mistrust over not being told earlier.

In hopes of providing enough time for Chef to process his feelings beforehand and not take out his anxiety on our neighbours, I told Chef two days before my appointment that I would be leaving on Tuesday morning and he would need to go to our neighbours' place til the school bus arrived. Chef asked a few questions about when I would be back, where the appointment was, and how I felt about the appointment. I'm always matter-of-fact with those types of responses with Chef - I wouldn't be back til after Chef was home from school but his sister would be waiting for him at home when he got off the bus, provided the name of the hospital and general location, and told him I was looking forward to the appointment because it would help figure out what's happening with my leg because it doesn't feel right sometimes. Chef nodded. Over the next couple of days he seemed unsettled and a bit on edge and asked a few times for the same information about my appointment. On Tuesday morning, he seemed to be in good space when he went over to the neighbours' house. When I called to make sure he'd gone inside, my neighbour said she'd been teasing Chef a bit about having heard him going up and down the stairs the night before (we live in a townhouse and share a wall). She said that Chef had told her that he wasn't making any noise on the stairs - "It was Mom throwing books." When the neighbour told him she knew it was him going up and down the stairs and not books being thrown, he kept to his statement. I told the neighbour she could go ahead and let him know that she'd told me his story so he knows we're all on the same page, then we chatted a bit and hung up. An hour later when I got to the hospital, there were numerous calls from my neighbour on my cell phone so I called her back while I was walking through the parking lot. Chef had run off. He hadn't waited for the bus and she didn't know where he was. She had tried calling the school only voicemail was available in the resource dept, and she didn't know if she should call the local police. I reassured her that I would call the police (who help us search when Chef disappears) and the school. Eventually we learned that Chef had shown up at the school! As stressful as that half hour was, it was equally shocking (and reassuring!) to learn that Chef had shown up at school.

Chef let his resource teacher know that he had run off because he was angry with me for going to my appointments.

It's difficult for kids like Chef. When things don't work out, he blames me. When his choices cause problems for him, he blames me. When he no longer has something because he wrecked it, he blames me. It almost seems like an extension of the need for an external brain. He does, however, occasionally show that he is slowly learning to accept responsibility for his choices. But the interesting thing is that for all his blaming and all his feelings of hatred and all his anger, he feels a lot of anxiety over my health. When I am down with a cold/flu, he usually does "act up" quite a bit (anxiety, change of routine, uncertainty of what to do) but he also dotes on me with numerous offers to make me some tea and to cook supper. He has also occasionally shown anger when I've said no thanks to the offers (wants to help, feels rejected), but he does go out of his way to be caring if I'm sick. And when he isn't having to deal with problems caused by his choices or deal with his anxiety, he can be a very caring family member. It sort of seems like a meadow of wildflowers being paved over with asphalt - every once in awhile the asphalt cracks enough to let the sun through and a flower eventually surfaces. That meadow is still there, it just needs ways to get through to the surface.

As Chef's Mom, it's interesting to see the changes, shifts, movements in my own journey. There was a time when this past weekend would have felt extremely heavy while it was happening and for a number of days afterwards. Now, it's just the way the weekend went. It certainly wasn't a pleasant weekend, but Chef is showing signs of growth and development and for that reason, it was a meaningful and successful weekend. It's barely one day out of this past weekend, and it feels ok. I know that Chef's support at school this year is the best school support he's received so far towards helping him learn how to live a healthy, appropriate, successful life. I know that Chef is growing and developing, and even though he is still struggling with honesty and good choices and taking care of his body, he isn't "rejecting" all of those things as strongly as he seemed to be rejecting them in the past. I know there are community members and friends who are available to help when Chef follows his impulse to run off from somewhere when he's dealing with anxiety (or just wants to go downtown for candy, though that hasn't been his focus this year), and that there are now more folks around who have a better understanding of Chef's needs and the needs of kids who live with similar challenges. But the biggest piece in the okay-ness is seeing Chef learning to work through issues and learning to address them appropriately in a healthy manner. Yes, the tantrum was over an hour long - but it was less than two hours and didn't heighten to an "outside-only" or "chat with the police" level. Yes, it took all weekend to get the dishes started - but Chef relearned and accepted the importance of good attitude and appropriate communication during a time that was very frustrating for him. It was hard work - but he worked at it.

It all takes time.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Today is Monday.

Many of my friends dread Monday. Perhaps "dread" is too strong a word. Many of my friends don't look forward to the shift back to the workplace schedule and ongoing expectations.

For me, Monday is usually a day to breathe. Relax. Take in the peace and quiet.

As some of you know, Chef believes that he should not have to do chores or anything that he believes to be related to chores. This includes activities such as doing dishes, bathing, picking up items he drops on the floor in various rooms throughout the house, cleaning up urine in his room, cleaning up messes he makes throughout the house, dressing, etc., and sometimes even goes so far as including tossing food into his lunch container even if there are various food items out on the table in addition to the food in the fridge/cupboards, or making himself a sandwich.

It is a very, very rare occasion for Chef to do one of the above without prompting. It is equally as rare for Chef to do any of the above without numerous attempts at getting out of doing any of the above. Some of the challenges with which Chef lives do make such activities difficult for him to varying degrees - but the fact remains, he is capable of doing them, he gladly does similar activities if he deems them to be in the "fun" category (cooking, video games, running to get candy, making water balloons, making a bottle for his niece/playing with and picking up after his niece, etc. Chef seems to have the energy/ability for what he enjoys, and little to none for what he doesn't enjoy.

It used to be that Chef would come up with numerous attempts at avoiding even the start of any of the above - but for the most part that has changed. It is now more common for him to seem to be starting one of the above and then attempt to do whatever he thinks might get him out of continuing/completing the task at hand.

For example, Chef started this past Saturday with a tantrum because he didn't want to do the dishes. In all fairness, there were a lot of dirty dishes (so many, in fact, that by Saturday afternoon I'd told Chef I wouldn't be cooking due to the lack of clean dishes and that meals would be cold food until the dishes were done) but when Chef had chosen not to do the dishes before the weekend, he rediscovered that the dishes did not go anywhere nor did anyone else do his chore for him.

When Chef rediscovered that tantrums don't work, he hid the teatowels. When that didn't work (and he had pretty much worn himself out from having to turn to his exercise program to deal with his extra energy he had for whining, attitude, etc), he began washing the dishes. Slowly. And not actually washing/drying them. It took over an hour before he'd actually washed/dried two items. When he rediscovered that wasn't going to do much other than cause more problems in his day, he started washing the dishes. After 10 minutes of reasonable effort on his part, I knew Chef and I both needed a rest and I told him that he could take a break because he was now showing good attitude towards his work. I'd hoped that, even though there might be a few steps back after having a rest, the message that the antics involved in chore-avoidance weren't worthwhile would stick. Chef was reminded to have a bite to eat before having a rest since he'd only eaten two kiwis for breakfast and had whined when I reminded him he needed more to eat.

After having a rest, we went out for a walk for about half an hour. On the way home, I bought myself a small takeout for lunch and told Chef that I sure wasn't about to buy him lunch after the way he'd behaved and that he would need to make his lunch when we got home. Chef again chose to eat a bunch of fruit. This isn't new. Chef has gone through periods in the past when his focus is primarily on fruit, though it was interesting to see him focus on it on the weekend after he'd said it was too much work to put into his school lunches even though it's sitting in baskets on the table. As an aside, mayonnaise is a big focus for Chef right now - mostly while doing dishes or using the washroom. We went through two jars last month. He hasn't been going for the spices recently, and my daughter has kept a bottle of vanilla in the cupboard the last couple of weeks without incident.

Back to the dishes - to make a VERY long story short, it was late Sunday evening before Chef actually started putting in a reasonable effort at getting them done. I sure got a lot of music practice in this weekend :-) There was no participation in making lunches (and I don't make Chef's lunches for him if he hasn't participated in taking care of his responsibilities), no bath, and Chef hadn't eaten more than some fruit earlier in the day, (even with reminders that of what was available in the refrigerator and even though I'd put out meat and wraps by the fruit so he could make wraps for himself) stating that he was going to wait until I cooked supper. I reminded him that I still wouldn't be cooking due to the amount of dirty dishes and unavailable prep space. He made a face. I then reminded him that cooking would also create more dirty dishes. Chef relaxed his face and said "K" but still didn't eat. When I later told Chef it was bedtime, he put his head to the side, made a scowling face and a scoffing sound, and said "Well, can I at least have a piece of fruit?" I reminded him that he was supposed to eat earlier and had had opportunity to do so. "Well, I'm hungry NOW." I told him he could go out and have a seat on the deck. I brought him out a bowl of baby spinach. He stated he wasn't hungry and that he didn't like spinach. I reminded him that he's eaten spinach many times and has even chosen to make spinach salads and that his body could use the nutrients. "It's gross." I picked some up, put it in my mouth, chewed it, swallowed it, said "eat", and walked back into the house. Chef tossed the spinach over the deck and sat on the chair grumping and saying he was hungry. I came out, put more spinach into his bowl, and asked if he needed me to feed him. Chef scowled and ate. When he came inside, he thanked me and apologized for his behaviour on the weekend. We talked a little bit about choices and consequences and the importance of eating and the importance of talking/behaving appropriately and about time and donating weekends to trying to get out of a chore rather than taking care of responsibilities then enjoying the weekend. We talked about dignity and responsibility. We talked about switching chores to the mornings since he doesn't want to do them in the evenings and on weekends, and told him he could try that and see how that goes. This morning, I woke Chef twice but both times he went back to his room. When I woke him the third time, I reminded him that he needed to get up earlier today but was now later than usual. He said he had gone back to bed because the alarm hadn't gone off. I went and turned on the alarm, he was up a couple minutes later and working on getting the kitchen cleaned up. This morning, his job was to wipe the stove and get the cupboard under the sink back in shape from previous choices Chef had made regarding the garbage pail. He seemed to be in good spirits, until I reminded him that he didn't have much extra time this morning because he kept going back to bed. He grumpily wiped the stove then brought in the garbage pail (he'd taken the pail out to empty it then put it under a chair on the deck the other day when I told him it couldn't come back inside smelling like that after he'd decided not to put a bag inside, and there wasn't time for him to wash it at the time because we were on our way somewhere), put it under the sink, and closed the door. He was reminded it needed to be rinsed and a bag needed to be inside. He very slowly (and grumpily) opened the door and very slowly removed the pail and very slowly walked to the bathroom with it. Everything was in slow motion for the next while - until the bus arrived! Chef quickly ran down the hallway, grabbed his clothes, and ran out the door to the waiting bus.

Clothing: We've turned the tables. If Chef leaves an item on the floor, it goes to the thrift shop. Of course, I'm the only one who seems effected by that at this point but I'm hoping that maybe that will help motivate Chef to start taking care of his belonging and his home. It didn't "work" in the past, but trying again! At one point, I decided to see how long he would actually leave something on the floor and have to step over it/walk around it, etc. I didn't say anything about two items - one was a pair of his pants on the floor in the front hallway where he had to walk over/around them to go out the door, going up/down the stairs, and to get to closet where his clothes are. Another item was one of his hats which sat on the kitchen floor. A week later, both items were still there. If I prompt Chef to pick up an item, he will pick it up then he will usually stash it somewhere rather than putting it away "because it's easier than putting it away." In order for Chef to pick something up and put it away (clothing, paper that he drops, cleaning up a mess he's made, etc., well basically anything that requires effort) I usually need to provide a verbal prompt and then see the task through with a frustrated Chef.

Today is Monday. Relax. Revitalize.

December 5, 2010

Part B

There wasn't a sound from Chef's room until around 9:30 this morning. A few minutes later, I was in the washroom and heard Chef's door open then close. I left the washroom quietly and peeked in his room. No Chef. I walked downstairs and saw him quickly disappearing around a corner. I walked through the kitchen and into the living to find Chef just starting to duck down between the china cabinet and loveseat. He was wearing only socks and had a blanket wrapped around him (he has gone through/gotten rid of numerous pairs of pajamas). I told him to go back up to his room, followed him upstairs, and told him to get dressed. A few minutes later, I told him it was time for a room check because I didn't know if he'd been sneaking downstairs other times during the night. He made an angry face and grumped at me. I reminded him that he was the one who was breaking rules and when he gets caught breaking a rule, it is not ok to take that out on someone else. He grumped again. I told him he could fix his grump or take it outside. He went outside and immediately did some jumping jacks and I called him in a couple of minutes later after I'd checked his room. There were the usual disturbing items but nothing out of the ordinary. Chef came inside in good space. I asked him to return to his room and to sing so I would know that he was in his room. He is presently singing in his room without issue while I'm doing up this morning's blog entry.

It would be great if Chef participates in school-lunch prep today. He hasn't at all for the past few weekends. When he doesn't participate at all, I don't either. That leaves Chef having to prepare his school lunch the night before or in the mornings. He's been leaving it til mornings, then just grabbing an apple or an apple and some crackers or occasionally some leftovers. He hasn't had consistently good school lunches for two weeks now because of his weekend choices. I wonder if he's tired enough of that to make a change and do some lunch prep today.

***UPDATE: After a late lunch today, Chef shovelled the neighbours' front porch (very small) and made a pathway to the parking lot, then came in and independently made his school lunches without issue. He offered to make supper ("to help make up for how I acted today") and was reminded that he gladly could but he would still need to do weekend chores (two household chores - he is also technically supposed to be doing extra chores to pay back for stolen/damaged items, etc., but is behind just on his regular day-to-day stuff at this point). Chef cooked liver, mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables for supper. It was great. When it was time for dishes, Chef moved very quickly and had the kitchen finished up in about 20 minutes. When I checked the dishes, they weren't clean (I don't mean in a "teenager not cleaning dishes" way or that there were a few missed spots, etc. There were lots of food bits, etc. ) It was great that the usual dragging out of the chore hadn't accompanied the "not cleaning" but it was very clear that Chef again hadn't made an effort to actually wash the dishes. There were no rags for Chef to clean the little washroom downstairs because he's gotten rid of the rags and we weren't over at the thrift shop so he could replace them because he was tantrumming on Saturday. It's all a chain. At this point, I really do believe that it is mostly all a ploy to do whatever it takes to get out of chores. I've suspected that over the years when it came to some things; as time goes on, I'm more convinced. I could be wrong. I realize chores involve a lot of steps and some planning, which is why Chef has written helps to use (which he doesn't use, but he no longer whines, etc., when reminded of using helps), but sneaking through the house to take stuff also requires steps and planning. Repeatedly throwing hard snow/ice at windows also requires steps and planning, evidenced by Chef taking the time to find the "right" pieces and tossing unworthy pieces onto the ground. Independently making his own school lunches requires far more steps and planning, yet Chef is very successful in that area when he makes his lunches on the weekends, and very successful when independently cooking meals otherwise as well.

And so, the chore saga continues...

December 5, 2010

Part A

The past few weekends have all had tantrums. Wait, there was one tantrum-free weekend that took place right after Chef's appointment with his mental health worker and "new" psychiatriast. Chef had stated after the appointment that he was embarassed by what had been discussed during the appointment. That weekend, there were no tantrums. There was the usual not wanting to do chores, etc., but no tantrums. That was new. Usually, after appointments in which concerns are discussed, Chef displays his feelings disrespectfully.

That was a few weekends ago, and there has been a tantrum every weekend since. All the tantrums have been chore/responsibility-related or stealing-related. Chef hates chores or anything that he deems to resemble a chore, and Chef becomes angry if something he has stolen has not been used by him prior to the item being discovered missing. Otherwise, things are going quite well. At this point, all tantrums are redirected to outside of our home because Chef has been destructive inside our home in the past.

Last weekend, we were enjoying a very pleasant weekend together - until around 1pm on Saturday when I discovered $20. was missing from my wallet(which I thought I had hidden well enough, but obviously hadn't). It was about four hours before Chef stopped behaving inappropriately and close to another hour before he admitted that he'd taken the money and hidden it. He tried explaining to me that he needs money to have like other kids. I agreed. I also reminded him that other kids don't spend weeks on end trying to avoid doing a chore, and that they do what they can to earn money rather than stealing it. I asked if he needed me to remind him of the allowance/money-earning system in our home. "No, it's ok," was the reply. On Sunday morning, Chef didn't come out of his room til just before noon and was still showing anger about the money. He was reminded that he could use his anger management tools/activities to help himself feel better and turn things around, or he could take himself outside. He stormed out of the house and started repeatedly kicking the door and ringing the doorbell and raging for just over an hour. Thankfully, the neighbour and I had already arranged for Chef to be at her place Sunday afternoon from 1pm til bedtime. When I opened the door and told Chef he could head over to the neighbours', he stopped, yelled that he was hungry, and that he didn't want to go to the neighbours' place. I agreed that I would be hungry too if I'd spent my lunchtime tanrumming instead of eating. A few minutes later he went over to the neighbours' house. A few days later, he told me he's never tantrumming again because he didn't like having to suddeny go to the neighbours' house. I didn't respond to the comment.

This past Thursday evening, Chef and I went with friends to a Christmas party at an art gallery. The staff were instructing folks on how to make origami ornaments to decorate the gallery's gigantic tree. Chef dove in with enthusiasm. Origami is one of his interests and he is very skilled at picking it up quickly. When he is shown something to make from paper, he will initially make quite a few. If he runs out of paper, he'll just rip some to the necessary sizes to make more. I've been amazed at how tiny some of his cranes have been. Once the novelty wears off, he doesn't do origami again until someone other than me does more and then he's back into making beautiful pieces again. On Thursday, Chef learned how to make an origami Christmas ball and an origami pop-star, and made quite a few for the gallery's tree then brought some home and has been making a few pop-stars since. When I encouraged him to show some of the folks at school how to make then, he said he wasn't going to show anyone at school. I have a sense we'll have a nice number of them to hang in our home for the season though.

On Friday, Chef informed me that there were no rags (again) to do any chores, and he'd already taken close to an hour in the kitchen without having actually washed any dishes. I hadn't been feeling well since Thursday night, and just sent Chef to bed early on Friday. Chef was up at 6am doing exercises on Saturday morning. From my room, I called to Chef to go back in his room til later because it was too early to be doing exercises on a Saturday. Chef went back to his room. At 7am, Chef was out in the hallway doing exercises again. I told Chef he needed to wait until I was up before starting his day. Chef said, "OK" and returned to his room. I was up around 9, but there was no sound from Chef's room until just after 11am, at which point there was banging. When I knocked on his bedroom door, there was no answer. My second knock was met with a loud banging in Chef's room. I opened the door to see Chef sitting on his floor wearing just a shirt and banging his heel against the floor with an angry look on his face. I told him he needed to use his tools and behave appropriately or take himself outside. He looked down at his feet and banged again. I told him to take it outside. Chef stood up, put on a pair of pants and socks, walked down the stairs, put on his outerwear, went outside, then immediately started yelling that he was cold. I opened the door and told him this was his one reminder to work off his anger and then he could come in, that doing something physical would warm him up, and that the sooner he shows he's being appropriate, the sooner he'd be inside. Chef continued to yell and make "foghorn" sounds. He continued yelling and "foghorning" for awhile, then started picking up snow and throwing it at the house. A few minutes later, he started throwing small balls of hard snow at the door, then the window, then would quietly look for large chunks of hard snow and/or ice and hurl them at the window. I wasn't too concerned at that point because he was far enough away that it wasn't making an impact and I figured he'd quickly tire of the physical energy required. Wrong. He was shortly seeking out large chunks of the hard stuff and coming closer to the house to hurl them at the window and at the neighbours' window. I called the police and explained the situation, and that my son needed the message from them that this was not appropriate. I had the blinds closed at a certain angle that allowed me to see out if I stood in a certain place. Chef would scan the living room window, then step back and look up at my bedroom window and hurl snow then look at the living room window again or at the neighbours' house. I saw that after my son would throw at the neighbours' window, he'd then grin and laugh as he turned to pick up more snow. When he'd throw at our window, he'd yell and "foghorn." I called the neighbour to let them know that the police were on their way. When the police arrived, my son told them that he was angry because he knew he had to do exercises. Needless to say, I informed the officers that he usually does an exercise program on his own every morning and that I hadn't allowed him to exercise as early as he'd wanted that morning. I also mentioned Chef's "do anything to get out of chores at all cost" way of thinking and the steps that needed to happen before Chef could come back into the house. I also informed the officers that Chef's usually employed the yelling of, "I'm hungry!" when tantrumming outside if he has tantrummed through a mealtime and missed his meal. The officers were very clear with Chef about the importance of listening to his Mom, and directed him to start doing some physical exercise. They also informed him that if he'd broken either of the windows, they'd be cuffing him and taking him to the youth detention center where he'd have to stay in a tiny room by himself and would only be allowed out for meals and a short break each day. (Unfortunately, that information has never been much of a deterrent for Chef, even when his mental health worker talked with him about it when he was around 8 or so. Chef has stated in the past that he'd like to be able to just sit and do nothing all day.) I informed the officers that the last time I'd called in officers, Chef had started up again as soon as they'd left and that Chef needed to know that we were all on the same page about what would then happen. The officers talked with Chef more about being appropriate and stated that they would be returning to deal with him again if he continued once they left. They stayed and talked with me a few minutes while Chef got into a jumping jacks groove and seemed to be turning things around. I thanked them, they left, Chef continued exercising, and a friend of mine came over to hang out in the house for awhile so Chef would be more willing to get his chores done. Chef came in appropriately and started cleaning up the kitchen appropriately. Then began a few "games" here and there; flitzing dirt from the kitchen doormat out into the living room, removing his dirty sock from his foot to use as a rag because he'd gotten rid of the rags so he wouldn't have to do chores, pretending to be cleaning the bathroom upstairs while we were downstairs but instead going into my bedroom, which I had mistakenly left unlocked, and removing items then hiding them in the bathroom for later retrieval, etc. Chef lied about being in my bedroom and made an angry face. Back outside to deal, but this time he immediately did some exercises. When I asked him if he was ready to come inside and be appropriate and honest, he asked if my friend was still there. I asked him again if he was ready to come inside and be appropriate and honest. He angrily asked if my friend was still there. I closed the door. Chef turned to face the house, pulled his toque over his head, and started foghorning while jumping - then started losing his balance, stopped, put his hat on properly, turned around, and did jumping jacks. A few minutes later, Chef was honest about what items he'd taken from my room and where he'd put them, and started dishes. He finished dishes just before 6pm, had supper, and went to his room. Chores finshed so far this weekend: dishes. Sort of. I still need to weed out the ones that received the "dip,dip,dry" treatment. Chores started: floors.

Weekend Balance

Chef spent Friday evening with his sister and niece. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he'd worked on weekend chores. Saturday morning and early afternoon were great; Chef ate, washed up and dressed (still sandals though; he continues to say he can't find his socks because his sister put them somewhere, which she did - on top of the dryer after helping Chef with his laundry. This is the second weekend that Chef has again said that he doesn't have his socks anymore, even with reminders of exactly where they are), and seemed quite relaxed and happy as we ran errands together. We got home just before supper and I reminded Chef that his mattress was still in the front yard and needed to be cleaned up. Chef said ok, then went outside. Glancing outside a few minutes later, I noticed a seemingly angry Chef tearing apart the mattress even more; foam and other mattress bits were strewn across the yard. I opened the door and asked what was happening. Chef looked at me angrily and said that he knew I still didn't believe that he hadn't hidden anything in his mattress. "Well, that's right, but the issue right now is that you need to get your mattress cleaned up so it's not in the yard anymore." Chef started escalating. I reminded him that all he needed to do right now was clean up the mattress and that we weren't discussing anything else about his mattress today. Chef escalated. I reminded him of his anger management tools. Chef continued his yelling and whining and angry facial expressions; I shut the door. Two hours later, the mattress was cleaned up and Chef was calm and inside. He had a quick bite to eat, then we walked down to a small local cafe for an evening of music/jamming. It was interesting to note that when we were listening to the performing group for the first half-hour, Chef expressed some difficulty with the noise-level yet when I went up and started playing with the band, Chef independently and seemingly enthusiastically moved so he was sitting right up front by the band.

On Sunday, Chef attended an AGM with me as well as an afternoon performance, then we spent the evening having a leisurely, story-filled supper with a friend. On the way home, we talked about how Chef had used two hours to tantrum when that time would have been much better spent working together on his lunches for the week then having free time. Chef agreed.