1.5 Notches Below "Tantrum"

July 25, 2011

Two hours.

Two hours of an outside, "all is not well" show in our yard we share with neighbours - a yard easily viewed by numerous passersby, many of whom were of particular interest to Chef who seemed sure that if he complained loudly enough, some of them might rescue him from having to deal with the attitude he'd given his mom after being reminded that he needed to clean up what he'd left on the stove. He believed he'd cleaned it up - the smoke coming from burner indicated otherwise, and I was the messenger.

And just this morning I was telling someone that things were going well. And they are, for the most part. There have been some amazing happenings this summer, and no major tantrums (loosely defined as yelling and/or swearing and throwing things and not participating in de-escalating, etc). Everything is relative.

One of the things I've started to notice is that whenever I take Chef to see a movie (I'd taken him Saturday evening, the night before last), there are a couple of days when he is somewhat off, starting either the next day or the day after; sometimes it shows in easily-triggered anger/frustration such as today (though easily-triggered anger/frustration are definitely not limited to such days; it's not uncommon for Chef to turn to angry blame when something he's done or hasn't done doesn't work out), sometimes it shows in not wanting to do much of anything at all for a couple of days, sometimes it shows in other ways. But it's just starting to nudge my radar that it's been happening after we go out to see a movie. My daughter and I have also started to notice that it's starting to happen on Sundays or Mondays prior to the Tuesday evenings that Chef spends with his sister.

Within minutes of the yard-show ending, Chef was singing and happily preparing supper. I was worn out. We sat on the deck and I played guitar and sang for a bit, then we came inside. Chef is now alternating between singing and reading in his room and I'm relaxing in mine. I think I'll put in a movie.

******************
This week, Chef has been great with getting his chores dones and tossing his laundry in on his own, all without reminders. He has also been asking everyday if he can prepare meals. He's been great with his nieces, was a great help in preparing for the local farmers' market, and one day he offered to carry numerous items home from the thrift shop. When I asked why he would want to carry so much instead of dividing everything between us as usual, his response was, "If I carry most of it, maybe you'll let me cook supper." Wow.

As an aside, I do have some mixed feelings on the cooking front. I thoroughly enjoy the meals Chef prepares - it's like a celebration of the skills we've crafted together in his life, it feels good for me when Chef prepares supper at the end of a day that has had its moments due to Chef's choices and/or "behaviours", it feels nice to have Chef giving to his family by cooking, and...well, he loves cooking! At some point somewhere along the line, I'd read that it's not good for children with unhealthy attachment to prepare their own food because it removes a sense of "my parent will provide for me" and feeds their sense of fending for themself, in addition to giving them an unhealthy sense of power over the parent and removing an area in which the parent can be further building attachment. I wish I could remember where I'd read/heard that. It does make sense. It also makes sense to let Chef prepare meals on his own for the reasons mentioned above. Some might even say it makes sense to allow Chef to prepare meals as a reward....hmmmm.

Work Experience and Building Community

July 15, 2011

The idea for this summer has been to set up Chef with various volunteer positions. This continues Chef's understanding of the importance of building community, allows more people in Chef's community to get to know him, and provides work experience for Chef.

Our local library, thrift shop, and arts center all have volunteer opportunities. Chef already has some volunteer experience in visiting with seniors, helping out at local community events for newcomers through the local Immigration Services program, and helping out with events for adults living with disabilities. So far, Chef has always had me alongside supporting him while volunteering. I am partially hopeful that perhaps we'll be able to find a volunteer opportunity where Chef can be on his own amongst other volunteers/staff, at least for part of a day.

This past week we've been volunteering at the local arts center. They run a day camp for young children. Chef attended the day camp when he was younger, but never actually made it through an entire week. This past week, he spent over 5 hours preparing crafts one day and helped with crafts, games, various arts activities, and supervision for 2 full days plus one afternoon. With me by his side, Chef was very helpful with cleaning up, took direction well from the day camp coordinator, and needed frequent reminders that he wasn't there as a camper to play. Without me there at his side, Chef very much seemed to view himself as a camper and even had a moment or two when he disrupted activities by engaging other kids in playing something other than what they needed to be doing at the time. By his last volunteer day there this week, Chef's leadership skills had shifted to pointing at a child followed by, "Hey! Hey hey hey! Nuh-uh! I said no!" Maybe time will bring a sense of balance.

Next week, we're planning to spend only one or two afternoons at the arts center - this past week took a bit more energy than I could afford, and left little for what was still required for evenings at home. Tomorrow we're planning to ask at the thrift shop about volunteer opportunities, and next week we'll look into what's available at the library.

Chef has also been working on figuring out what he can create to sell online, and has been spending time with a few books(autism and history) as well as one of the guitars. In fact, until we get the window issue dealt with, Chef has been singing and/or playing guitar in his room at bedtime until he is too tired to stay awake. (Now we just need to figure out the mornings.) This evening he made supper (ground chicken mini-burgers, mashed sweet potato, steamed asparagus), asked if he could please do chores tonight so he could spend time playing with one of his nieces this weekend, and asked if we could watch a movie together. Very cool.

**Umm - Chef just brought my laundry upstairs (on hangers even!) because he wants to get his clothes into the dryer and mine were done. Nothing like this has happened before. Ever. "Wow!" seems like a drastic understatement.

Downtime, Decks, and Toga Days

July 11, 2011

The retreat. The music retreat. Where do I begin?

There's so much to tell because Chef did so exceptionally well the entire time!

And the day after the retreat, he came along on a day trip with a friend and me, followed by a day of absolutely nothing except life basics, followed by making crafts for his first volunteer shift at the local arts center. A year ago, I never would have imagined Chef accomplishing what he's accomplished in the past week.

I've decided to separate "The Retreat" from today's post. It really does need its own celebratory space.

And so, on to today....

Today is Day #2 of Chef sitting in his room wrapped in a sheet that has definitely seen better days. In my ongoing attempt at minimizing, I decided about a month ago that I don't need all the sets of sheets I've received over the years, so I passed along a nice, new'ish set to Chef. I figured a high thread count would enhance its longevity. Fast forward a few weeks and you'll find the bottom sheet no longer in existence and the top sheet is now torn along the edges with various holes here and there, and spotted with fingerprint-shaped bloodstains from picked/dabbed scabs. Apparently this is the stuff of which togas are made.

The most recent TogaDays started a few days ago if we include the lead-up days. Chef was reminded to toss in his load of laundry on Wednesday evening once we returned from retreat. He was reminded again on Thursday and again on Friday. On Saturday morning when Chef came downstairs to play with his niece who'd arrived for the day, he went down to put his laundry in the dryer then said he would finish on Sunday. I asked him how his clothes would look if he kept them in the dryer overnight. "Not good. But I don't want to do chores, it's holidays." "You've been on holidays for over a week without chores and you need clean clothes." "K." But it wasn't ok. Chores were avoided at all cost and we shifted into "no fun for Chef til his clothes are done and dishes are finished" mode. By yesterday, Chef had completely run out of clothes and decided this meant a day off to just hang out in his room. This created two self-confessed dilemmas for Chef: hunger and boredom. Togas are not welcomed mealtime attire in my home. This means that Chef needed to get his clothes, get dressed, and be ready to eat at mealtimes. Chef chose otherwise and was given a snack in the afternoon and another in the evening. We talked about what had "worked" and what hadn't "worked" and what would have "worked" and about Chef's plan for the next day. I went downstairs to water plants and discovered little white clumps/spots all over the deck. Baking soda. Chef was not impressed with having to come downstairs in his toga to clean up his mess on the deck.

Today was a rerun of yesterday until 1pm when I told Chef that he needed to go outside and get back into his exercise program and get his day going. Chef grumped down the stairs and out to the deck, tucked his elbows against his body and limply flapped his hands while bouncing a couple of times. He then came to the window and grumpily asked if he could come inside. I told him he could gladly come inside once his attitude shifted, and reminded him (again!) that he needed to cover his private areas. This was met with two stomping, partial jumping jacks and a grumpier return to the window. I told him if having the window open was going to be too difficult for him to focus on finding his good space, I could easily close it. Chef crossed his arms across his chest and scowled at me. I closed the window and walked away. Chef bumped his head against the screen, scowling into the kitchen. I closed the blind. Shortly thereafter, Chef was engaged in getting his exercise going. I went out to the deck with my guitar and strummed quietly. One of neighbours came by and said she was concerned because she's been seeing Chef leaning far out of his bedroom window. She also wondered why there were little clumps of "white stuff" all over their deck and the yard between our deck and her's. I glanced over at Chef with raised eyebrows. Chef scowled and said "I didn't.." but I interrupted him by putting my hand up and saying, "Stop. You need to go over immediately and clean the neighbours' deck." Chef stomped over to the neighbours'. The neighbour kept repeating, "It's ok, I cleaned most of it up. I just don't want him doing that anymore. And how did he throw it so far?" I told her my guess was that he'd probably mixed it with water to clump it together (interestingly, Chef had told me he couldn't do any chores on the weekend because he didn't know where the baking soda was) and told her that Chef still needed to clean her deck off as part of the message that this was not appropriate for him to do. The neighbour then told Chef that the next time he throws anything onto her deck she would be calling the police. I agreed with her decision. We tried talking with Chef about safety concerns regarding leaning out the window but he was in "scowl and ignore" mode, though he was doing a good job of cleaning up what was left of his mess. I decided it might be a good time to call in a male member of Chef's support network so Chef would have the same message from other supportive individuals other than just his mom (that would be me, the exterior brain that Chef accesses to help him get back to a reasonable space of life when he isn't coping well, aka the target of Chef's anger/frustrations/fear/worry/etc when he makes decisions that don't work for him and/or gets caught in his bad choices) and his female neighbour (who used to be his primary respite provider and now receives disrespect from Chef, though not always). Thankfully, I was able to get a hold of one such individual and he came down and talked with Chef about wanting to take him to hockey games next season, and the importance of dressing appropriately, the importance of safety, the necessity of chores, etc. He also pointed out to Chef that it would be good for him to apologize to the neighbours. Chef replied that he had already apologized but accepted Ed's comment that it would be good to apologize again. I sent Chef back over to finish cleaning up at the neighbours' then we went inside. Chef immediately went to finish his laundry. He then did most of the dishes, lied about cleaning up his messes he'd made on the floor then went back and cleaned them up, then announced that he was cleaning the bathrooms as well. I placed a few calls to other members of Chef's team with regards to the best way(s) to address safety concerns about the window. Presently, Chef still hasn't yet brought a clean sheet/blanket upstairs to his bedroom, but his clothing is clean and dry and hanging in the closet. Chef's had supper, has bathed and is wearing clean nightwear, and is singing in his room - near his door, so I know he isn't leaning out the window.

Tomorrow is Day #2 of Chef's volunteer position at the local arts center. He'll be helping with the little ones at their day camp.

So, we made it. Phew! A bit of grumping, a bit of on-strike, a bit of throwing (there are definitely much-worse things to throw than baking soda!)....but I'm thinking this might have all escalated into full-blown tantrum a year ago. Growth is such a good thing.

Exams,Pizza,Dishes,Deck

June 20, 2011

Chef slept just over 2 hours when he came home from school today, then read for a bit ("Their Majesties and Other Folks"). We had a late supper, celebrating his last day of school/exams with a pizza. As soon as he finished eating, Chef said he was going to do the dishes. Excellent! There were dishes from yesterday and a couple of plates/cups from today, but no more than one load of dishes plus one load of pots/pans. 45 minutes later I went into the kitchen and found Chef sliding a very greasy, very wet pan into the drawer under the oven. Not so excellent. He was angry as soon as he was discovered before I even said anything. It's been a long weekend for both of us, and I imagine Chef is feeling as weary as I am and probably moreso. I told him that ONLY because he had written exams today and it was the last day of school, he could choose to finish up the dishes and have the rest of the evening free or he could just relax in his room for awhile then have an early night. Chef calmly said ok and walked nicely up the stairs. About half an hour later I went up to check on him. I suggested he open his window at least a crack for a little bit to air out his room. Chef said ok and when he slid his window open, I noticed something fall/flutter. I walked over to the window and glanced out. There on the deck were a couple of paper airplanes. "Ok, c'mon. Let's go down so you can clean up your stuff on the deck." Chef nicely walked down the stairs and out to the deck, picked up one paper airplane, and started walking towards the garbage. I reminded him he needed to pick up each piece, including the spitballs scattered around the deck. Chef grumped and attempted arguing, and was reminded that tossing things out his window was not a good plan. Once he was finished cleaning up outside, we went back into the house and Chef was asked to bring down the art folder from school (he's kept it in his room since January!) he'd been ripping up as airplane/spitball fodder. He brought it downstairs and threw it out. I asked him what would have worked better tonight. This was met with tone. I pointed out the front window. Chef nicely walked outside and stomped the ground then did some jumping jacks. I asked him through the open window if he was ready to talk without tone and he said and showed that he was. I asked him if it had worked to toss stuff out his window.
"No."
"Does it feel good to always be doing things that cause problems for you?"
"I'm tired of everyone talking to me all the time about what I do."
"If you hadn't tossed paper out your window, would anyone have had to talk with you about it?"
"No."
"If you hadn't tried putting away the wet, greasy pan, would anyone have had to talk with you about it?"
"No. I'm just tired of everyone talking to me all the time."
"Ok, so what would have been the easy way to have less talking?"
"To not do that stuff."
"Yep."

And with that, Chef took his meds (for the first time in weeks!) without issue and went to bed. A few minutes later, I asked him how far he'd read in his book earlier.
"Page 30, I think. I really like that one."
"Wow. I bet you'll be almost finished by bedtime tomorrow. Hey, I didn't see your hackey-sack on the kitchen counter. Does that mean you put it away somewhere?"
"I put it on the cupboard thingy. And I put my money thingy there too" (I'd dropped a quarter on the weekend. Chef picked it up and handed it back to me, so I let him keep the quarter as part of the ongoing plan to help Chef realize that there are feel-goods and other benefits to being a positive family member, and as part of the ongoing "surprise" reward system)
"Well, tomorrow let's find a better place for it."
"Ok."
"Goodnight sweetie."
"Night Mom."

Glasses at Last!

June 10, 2011

Chef took his glasses to school today!

He also brushed his teeth, and it seemed as though he would take his lunch - he opened the freezer, put his hand into the freezer, paused, was reminded he needed to be out for the bus, removed his (empty) hand, closed the freezer door, walked slowly over to the fruit baskets, picked up a mango and a grapefruit, picked up his glasses, went outside, and started doing some morning exercises. I'll need to explore the "hand reaching into the freezer, removing still-empty hand from freezer without lunch item" with him later. When I intially asked him about it this morning, he said he pulled out his hand because he heard me talking and knew he had to look at my eyes so he closed the freezer door so he could see me. Excellent listening skills recall! The only problem is that he was already going towards the fruit as he closed the freezer door. So maybe "listening skills" was the initial message in his brain but the thought of picking up the fruit interrupted? I asked if his hand couldn't have just picked up the lunch item while it was right there, or did he just not want to take that in his lunch. He said he didn't know.

Last night, after yet another evening of not doing dishes, I asked Chef to sit outside by me while I worked on some deck-gardening. We talked about goals. Chef said his goal is to go to school - excellent life goal! I started asking him questions about the various steps involved in going to school, and kept working backwards until we got back to taking care of one's body, taking care of responsibilities at home, etc. Chef said he didn't want to do jobs at home because he only wants a good job where he can earn lots of money. Of course, we reviewed the ol' "need to show success in small jobs before taking on big ones." I explained (again!) that not everyone likes doing every kind of job, especially when it comes to chores at home, but that they need doing regardless. Chef nodded and said that he doesn't want to do chores. I reminded him that he needed some way of paying back for items he's stolen/damaged. He looked surprised, as though he had forgotten that part. I asked him if he could think of other ways to earn money to repay for items in that category (one past idea was "to make a picture that you could buy from me then I'd give you some of the money" - and I'm pretty sure he seriously thought that was a workable plan! When I offered to do up a website where he could sell pictures, plus numerous other ideas offered to him for making money, he's never shown interest or a willingness to start on anything along those lines). We've explored this possibility before, but this time he just shook his head. I reminded him that the sooner he does some extra chores, the sooner he'd be caught up and the sooner he'd have more spending money. I also told him that I would love to support him in applying for part-time summer jobs this summer but he has to show a willingness to work at home first. He again said that he only gets a little money til then so he doesn't want to work.

If anyone has ideas in this area, feel free to share them! Right now, my approach is to continue to support him in learning through repetition. Incentives historically have not been beneficial (and generally "don't work" with children living with attachment disorder). In the meantime, if you plan on dropping by sometime this afternoon or this evening, bring your own clean cup ;-)

Someone reminded me of something the other day. When a child with attachment disorder is exhibiting some challenges that differ than usual or are of a higher degree, sometimes it's because there's been growth or that they are feeling a healthier attachment and that brings about a sense of fear/panic in them. I think sometimes we forget how scary it is for some kids when they're healing. Chef's grown alot this year. That's been evident in many areas.

When I used to work with adults with disabilities, we'd often talk about putting ourselves in the shoes of the adults for whom we provided support. One individual needed help in using the washroom and sometimes showed frustration in the washroom. Well, there may have been other reasons as well for the frustration, but I'd feel frustrated if I always needed help in that area every single time every single day. And every single day, Chef needs to figure out how to function in this world that he doesn't even understand in so many areas, and he has to do so with a brain that doesn't always function the way he needs it to function and with a perception that makes the world a very confusing place at times. For all these reasons, I believe Chef's doing very well.

But yes, he still needs to do the dishes ;-)

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service?

June 8, 2011

Chef came home from school in good space yesterday. He usually has a rest time when he gets home and yesterday was no exception - snoring was heard in short order and there were no other sounds from Chef's room for nearly 2 hours. Chef came into the kitchen wearing just a shirt; a long-sleeved, button-up shirt that covered
"everything" well, but just a shirt nonetheless. I raised my eyebrows.

"Really? Is wearing just a shirt appropriate?"
"I can't find my shorts for at home" (because Chef is back down to just one pair of pants, he has a pair of shorts that he changes into when he comes home from school and has been using them as pyjamas as well)
"You can't find them?"
"I left them at school."
"Should they have gone to school?"
"No."
"Tell me what should have happened this morning."
"I should have gotten dressed before the bus came."
"What do you need to do now?"
"Put on my robe."
"Quickly. Then we'll do supper on the deck."

I went into the washroom and when I came out I noticed Chef's robe still on the living room chair but I knew I'd heard the back door. Sure enough, when I glanced out, there was Chef sitting on a chair on the deck, eating. Shirt only.

"Is this appropriate?"
"Um. No. I was hungry."
"I don't want your bare bottom on one of my chairs. Get off the chair immediately and get your robe."

I came inside without closing the door behind me, thinking Chef was following. He wasn't. I glanced back out the window and saw him sitting on the deck, eating.

"What did we just talk about that you need to do?"
"Um. Get my robe?"
"Exactly. Get your robe on. Find your focus or your willingness to do what you need to do, whatever it is you need to find to move on appropriately with your evening, find it now."

Chef stood up and started doing some jumping jacks.
"I don't want to see your penis when I look out the window, and the folks across the way sure don't need a show. Come inside, put on your robe, find your focus."

Thump.Thump.Thump. Chef was now doing jumping jacks with his shirt tucked between his legs.

"Dude! To your room. Immediately."
"I'll look dumb in a robe!"
"To your room."

As Chef walked past the living room chair, he glanced down at his robe and said, "Oh, there it is."

When Chef was called down a few minutes later, he immediately put on his robe.

Chef remained in good space the rest of the evening. At one point, he asked again whether we're going to any music performances this summer, chatted again about how his EA is leaving for Africa, we talked a bit about again at how surprised I was that he hadn't wanted to finish a can of iced tea the other day because it was too sweet for him. When Chef started dishes, I went up to see how things were in his room since the ripped-open lining of the armchair and books had been discovered. The concern was that the neighbour thought that the first item Chef had thrown onto her deck was likely a screw or something along those lines. I'd noticed awhile back that Chef had removed a couple of the nails out of the back of his computer desk. And he'd started more toenail collections. All in all, time to do a safety check.

And there they were - little piles of staples that had been removed from the underside of the armchair. The chair's been in Chef's room for over a month, I think, and the lining was just torn open within the past week. The staples will have been removed within the last two days. I'm still not sure when Chef will have taken the pile of books upstairs, nor how he got them home without any of us noticing. I do know that he's sometimes done such in stages; hidden something outside then stealthily brought it inside at some point and hidden it somewhere else, etc. Sometimes he's even forgotten about items he's hidden. I don't usually watch Chef walk from the bus anymore, and there have been a couple of days here and there when my daughter has been home when Chef has arrived at home, so there are possibilities there for stolen books to make their way into the house. Chef always does "a check" before going up to his room, but not always when he is going upstairs under the guise of cleaning the upstairs bathroom so there's that possibility. Hmmm.

At any rate, it's clearly no longer safe for the chair to be in Chef's room. He brought it downstairs and took it out to the trash, along with the remainder of the nails I'd pulled out from his computer desk.

And with that, we called it an early night and Chef was soon snoring upstairs.

Disrespecting the Neighbours

June 7, 2011

I missed an item on the "what is in Chef's room" list. He also had an old "valet" (for men to hang suit jackets, a little shelf for change, etc.) we'd picked up at the thrift shop quite some time ago.

I was reminded of it when our neighbour showed up at our door last night at 10pm. She held out a piece of wood that had a large metal tab on the side, and told me that had been thrown onto her deck. She said just prior to the wood landing on her deck, there had been a different sound similar to maybe a screw being thrown against wood. My mind wandered through possibilities but also realized there was a slight familiarity about this piece of wood with a large metal tab with the words, "Made in Italy" imprinted on it. Then I realized - Chef's valet. What had landed on the neighbours' deck was the top part of the valet. I went up to Chef's room and told him he needed to come downstairs. He pretended to be angry that I'd woken him and very grumpily sauntered down the stairs.

This neighbour used to provide respite/childcare for Chef when I was working. The more he was the there, the more disrespectful Chef became towards her and her children (who live with various disabilities) and the more things began to fall apart to the point where I no longer had anyone to provide care/support for Chef. To date, Chef continues to harass/disrespect this neighbour and her family at times if he believes I am not in earshot or can't see what he's doing.

To make a long story short, Chef vehemently denied that he had any knowledge of anything landing on the neighbours' deck. He feigned anger at the neighbours for lying about him and at me for believing the neighbours instead of believing him. From 10:00pm til 11:15ish, Chef swore, grumped, and showed many inappropriate responses to the situation he'd created and at the reminders to use his management tools. He did, however, take the valet over to the thrift shop drop-off area as requested. Around 11:15ish, Chef went for a run and by 11:30pm he was back in bed.

This morning, Chef slept through his alarm and through a reminder from me that it was time to get up. When I told him his bus had arrived, however, he jumped up and flew down the stairs, making faces at me and attempting to blame me for him having slept so late. I reminded him that his morning would have gone easier if he hadn't done what he'd done the night before, reminded him that his lunch was on the kitchen counter, and reminded him that he would need to get dressed at school rather than outside (which is what he has often done if he waits til the bus arrives before getting ready to leave). Chef grabbed his clothes and ran out the door wearing the old jean shorts he's recently been wearing as pyjamas.

Restitution: Chef will be paying his allowance to the neighbour for the inconvenience/disrespect/risk of property damage from last night, and will be sweeping her deck and steps for the next week to practice being a good neighbour and good community member.

Shifting Mornings

May 31, 2011

Today is Day #2 of the new chore plan: Wake Chef up early to take care of his responsibilities/chores because he doesn't want to do any at all in the evenings or on the weekends.

This morning's task was to wash/dry 10 dishes and put items from the fridge/table into a lunchbag. I woke Chef 45 minutes early to allow for plenty of time.

Chef washed/dried 1 item, attempted whining when reminded that a dish needs to be placed into the sink to be washed, and didn't put any food into a lunch bag.

Of course, this morning plan isn't going to "work" in the sense that Chef is going to be in good spirits to accomplish any tasks, and it certainly isn't going to help his already-challenged mornings (though last week I switched the morning plan to Chef getting up and dressed and out the door with his lunch and a piece of fruit for breakfast waiting for him on the front porch - that "worked" well), but the hope/goal is that Chef will learn/realize that all these attempts he makes at doing everything he can think of to avoid anything he views as being connected to work just aren't worthwhile, and that all the effort and time he puts into avoiding is more effort and time than would have been needed to just do the work.

Some view this area as Chef continually trying to power struggle. I view it as an area that is challenging for Chef for many reasons but that is a basic part of successful, healthy living, and a life lesson that will serve Chef well in various areas. What has "worked" for Chef is letting him live with and learn from his choices and for me to be open to living outside the box to allow Chef to learn those life lessons.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Today is Monday.

Many of my friends dread Monday. Perhaps "dread" is too strong a word. Many of my friends don't look forward to the shift back to the workplace schedule and ongoing expectations.

For me, Monday is usually a day to breathe. Relax. Take in the peace and quiet.

As some of you know, Chef believes that he should not have to do chores or anything that he believes to be related to chores. This includes activities such as doing dishes, bathing, picking up items he drops on the floor in various rooms throughout the house, cleaning up urine in his room, cleaning up messes he makes throughout the house, dressing, etc., and sometimes even goes so far as including tossing food into his lunch container even if there are various food items out on the table in addition to the food in the fridge/cupboards, or making himself a sandwich.

It is a very, very rare occasion for Chef to do one of the above without prompting. It is equally as rare for Chef to do any of the above without numerous attempts at getting out of doing any of the above. Some of the challenges with which Chef lives do make such activities difficult for him to varying degrees - but the fact remains, he is capable of doing them, he gladly does similar activities if he deems them to be in the "fun" category (cooking, video games, running to get candy, making water balloons, making a bottle for his niece/playing with and picking up after his niece, etc. Chef seems to have the energy/ability for what he enjoys, and little to none for what he doesn't enjoy.

It used to be that Chef would come up with numerous attempts at avoiding even the start of any of the above - but for the most part that has changed. It is now more common for him to seem to be starting one of the above and then attempt to do whatever he thinks might get him out of continuing/completing the task at hand.

For example, Chef started this past Saturday with a tantrum because he didn't want to do the dishes. In all fairness, there were a lot of dirty dishes (so many, in fact, that by Saturday afternoon I'd told Chef I wouldn't be cooking due to the lack of clean dishes and that meals would be cold food until the dishes were done) but when Chef had chosen not to do the dishes before the weekend, he rediscovered that the dishes did not go anywhere nor did anyone else do his chore for him.

When Chef rediscovered that tantrums don't work, he hid the teatowels. When that didn't work (and he had pretty much worn himself out from having to turn to his exercise program to deal with his extra energy he had for whining, attitude, etc), he began washing the dishes. Slowly. And not actually washing/drying them. It took over an hour before he'd actually washed/dried two items. When he rediscovered that wasn't going to do much other than cause more problems in his day, he started washing the dishes. After 10 minutes of reasonable effort on his part, I knew Chef and I both needed a rest and I told him that he could take a break because he was now showing good attitude towards his work. I'd hoped that, even though there might be a few steps back after having a rest, the message that the antics involved in chore-avoidance weren't worthwhile would stick. Chef was reminded to have a bite to eat before having a rest since he'd only eaten two kiwis for breakfast and had whined when I reminded him he needed more to eat.

After having a rest, we went out for a walk for about half an hour. On the way home, I bought myself a small takeout for lunch and told Chef that I sure wasn't about to buy him lunch after the way he'd behaved and that he would need to make his lunch when we got home. Chef again chose to eat a bunch of fruit. This isn't new. Chef has gone through periods in the past when his focus is primarily on fruit, though it was interesting to see him focus on it on the weekend after he'd said it was too much work to put into his school lunches even though it's sitting in baskets on the table. As an aside, mayonnaise is a big focus for Chef right now - mostly while doing dishes or using the washroom. We went through two jars last month. He hasn't been going for the spices recently, and my daughter has kept a bottle of vanilla in the cupboard the last couple of weeks without incident.

Back to the dishes - to make a VERY long story short, it was late Sunday evening before Chef actually started putting in a reasonable effort at getting them done. I sure got a lot of music practice in this weekend :-) There was no participation in making lunches (and I don't make Chef's lunches for him if he hasn't participated in taking care of his responsibilities), no bath, and Chef hadn't eaten more than some fruit earlier in the day, (even with reminders that of what was available in the refrigerator and even though I'd put out meat and wraps by the fruit so he could make wraps for himself) stating that he was going to wait until I cooked supper. I reminded him that I still wouldn't be cooking due to the amount of dirty dishes and unavailable prep space. He made a face. I then reminded him that cooking would also create more dirty dishes. Chef relaxed his face and said "K" but still didn't eat. When I later told Chef it was bedtime, he put his head to the side, made a scowling face and a scoffing sound, and said "Well, can I at least have a piece of fruit?" I reminded him that he was supposed to eat earlier and had had opportunity to do so. "Well, I'm hungry NOW." I told him he could go out and have a seat on the deck. I brought him out a bowl of baby spinach. He stated he wasn't hungry and that he didn't like spinach. I reminded him that he's eaten spinach many times and has even chosen to make spinach salads and that his body could use the nutrients. "It's gross." I picked some up, put it in my mouth, chewed it, swallowed it, said "eat", and walked back into the house. Chef tossed the spinach over the deck and sat on the chair grumping and saying he was hungry. I came out, put more spinach into his bowl, and asked if he needed me to feed him. Chef scowled and ate. When he came inside, he thanked me and apologized for his behaviour on the weekend. We talked a little bit about choices and consequences and the importance of eating and the importance of talking/behaving appropriately and about time and donating weekends to trying to get out of a chore rather than taking care of responsibilities then enjoying the weekend. We talked about dignity and responsibility. We talked about switching chores to the mornings since he doesn't want to do them in the evenings and on weekends, and told him he could try that and see how that goes. This morning, I woke Chef twice but both times he went back to his room. When I woke him the third time, I reminded him that he needed to get up earlier today but was now later than usual. He said he had gone back to bed because the alarm hadn't gone off. I went and turned on the alarm, he was up a couple minutes later and working on getting the kitchen cleaned up. This morning, his job was to wipe the stove and get the cupboard under the sink back in shape from previous choices Chef had made regarding the garbage pail. He seemed to be in good spirits, until I reminded him that he didn't have much extra time this morning because he kept going back to bed. He grumpily wiped the stove then brought in the garbage pail (he'd taken the pail out to empty it then put it under a chair on the deck the other day when I told him it couldn't come back inside smelling like that after he'd decided not to put a bag inside, and there wasn't time for him to wash it at the time because we were on our way somewhere), put it under the sink, and closed the door. He was reminded it needed to be rinsed and a bag needed to be inside. He very slowly (and grumpily) opened the door and very slowly removed the pail and very slowly walked to the bathroom with it. Everything was in slow motion for the next while - until the bus arrived! Chef quickly ran down the hallway, grabbed his clothes, and ran out the door to the waiting bus.

Clothing: We've turned the tables. If Chef leaves an item on the floor, it goes to the thrift shop. Of course, I'm the only one who seems effected by that at this point but I'm hoping that maybe that will help motivate Chef to start taking care of his belonging and his home. It didn't "work" in the past, but trying again! At one point, I decided to see how long he would actually leave something on the floor and have to step over it/walk around it, etc. I didn't say anything about two items - one was a pair of his pants on the floor in the front hallway where he had to walk over/around them to go out the door, going up/down the stairs, and to get to closet where his clothes are. Another item was one of his hats which sat on the kitchen floor. A week later, both items were still there. If I prompt Chef to pick up an item, he will pick it up then he will usually stash it somewhere rather than putting it away "because it's easier than putting it away." In order for Chef to pick something up and put it away (clothing, paper that he drops, cleaning up a mess he's made, etc., well basically anything that requires effort) I usually need to provide a verbal prompt and then see the task through with a frustrated Chef.

Today is Monday. Relax. Revitalize.

Prompt-Free Dressing Day!

Today Chef got dressed.

When Chef came downstairs this morning, he was wearing a full outfit and a pair of socks. When reminded that he needed to be wearing a clean pair of socks, he quickly removed the ones he'd worn yesterday and put on a clean pair. The sock-reminder was the only verbal prompt.

Also - Chef verbally took responsibility many times throughout today for choices he'd made. Taking responsibility (and other self-esteem bits) has been a very long journey. It's so very good to see Chef coming along in some of these areas.

And chores? Well, no, not today. But as they say, two outta three ain't bad!

The Attachment/Autism/ ADHD/ BrainDamage Combo

I woke Chef at 7:30 this morning so I could check his feet again. Thankfully they seem fine. He has had a bit of frostbite on one of his toes recently, but didn't tell me about it til a few days after he'd realized he had it. We talked again of the importance of wearing socks in the winter. And given the rate at which Chef's clothing disappears and the responses from him about putting on socks in the morning ("Socks first, then boots." "I don't have any socks." "Where are the 7 pairs you just got on the weekend?" "I don't know. I can't find them." "There were at least 4 pairs in your hamper." "After I did my laundry they were gone." Etc., etc), I think a sock basket by the door would be a good idea. A couple of winters ago, Chef had disappeared from school. When he reappeared, we learned that he'd gone off to play on some snowbanks he'd heard about on his schoolbus. He ended up with frostbite on his leg that day because he'd had snow in his boot and didn't remove it.

This is one of the pieces where I still wonder if Chef needs a different type of support around hygiene/dressing than what we've presently discussed as a team. Is it possible that Chef might actually require hands-on supports in areas such as hygiene and dressing? This week, we're sure going to be working once again(still!) on training Chef to use his book of lists/reminders.

Presently, Chef's home program revolves around training/re-training his brain through positive experiences, positive activities, prompts as needed, "is that working for you?" "how well did that work?" "what would have worked better?" conversations, and allowing Chef to live with the natural consequences of his choices over and over and over and over (except in cases where a change needs to be put in place otherwise due to the possibility of choices leading to dangerous results such as frostbite!)

Physically, Chef is definitely capable of washing and dressing himself. But there seems to be such a strong disconnect when it comes to doing "daily routine" things that require effort - or, maybe it's "chores, and whatever falls under the category of taking care of self and belongings." That said, Chef no longer attempts to power struggle over participating in a daily exercise routine (though he is starting to complain about it now as of today because it is needing to be changed) nor over things like being asked to carry or bring in groceries. Chef never argues or "gives attitude" over any request of him whatsoever unless it's something that is regularly required of him (hygiene, daily change of clothes, chores, etc.) or if someone his age is around and he is trying to act cool around them. Back to washing/dressing - it continues to be an ongoing struggle for Chef at 15 years of age.

When Chef was younger, I used pictures/charts/stickers/rewards/incentives/etc., and often I would end up having to dress him when he wouldn't get dressed. Sometimes he would then remove the clothing. We tried all sorts of different fabrics/elastic waistbands/etc. At that time, he was saying that he didn't want to get dressed because he just wanted to stay home - from everywhere (some of you know about the "firehose the clothing" plan as well!). Sometimes he said he just wanted to wear pajamas. Sometimes he said he didn't want to get dressed because he didn't want people to come over to our house. When he was around 8'ish, I stopped dressing him when needed, and started completely letting him live with the consequences of not getting washed/dressed to go somewhere because we (everyone on his team at the time) agreed that he was capable of dressing himself. Flash-forward to today: it is only recently that Chef has expressed any sense of desire/acknowledgement that he does not want to be outside of his home dressed inappropriately (still working on the "inside of his home" part!), but that still isn't strong enough to motivate him. And from the time clothing is taken from the hamper to the laundry room and back to the main floor for a check before going upstairs, it still continues to "disappear" so this week I'm working on another clothing system.

I remember taking Chef to school one day and putting his boots back on his feet numerous times only to have him continually remove them. He said it was because he didn't want to go to school, yet when he removed them again he just walked into the school building not wearing them. His foster mom used to say that he wouldn't keep his shoes on, though he loved tromping about in adults' shoes. He used to fill his boots with stones. He usually goes through numerous pairs of footwear a year. (This year, he's only on his second pair of boots and second winter jacket so far!) He was recently complaining that his shin was bothering him. I reminded him again that he needed to change his exercise program to include different activities. When I asked him what he'd done with his shoes at school, he said he didn't know. When I asked what he's been wearing at school this whole time, he said he's been wearing his boots. I told him my legs would sure hurt too if I wore snow boots all day long. So now I'll be picking up some supportive insoles for his boots/school shoes (though I'm pretty sure those will disappear or be damaged in short order), and his exercise program is being changed this week to include different activities. The "change" part isn't going so well. It took a few years for Chef to embrace the idea of exercise and, after much journeying/adventure, he was presently at a point where he would get up and do exercises on his own in the morning! Now the exercises need to change.

For years, Chef has been taught basic lifeskills using a variety of techniques/reminders/prompts/etc/etc., etc. It often takes Chef a long time to learn/embrace something, but when he does, it usually clicks. He's learned how to read. He now does quite well in math. He will participate in physical activity at times now, and does some form of exercise every day (which I thought was coming from his own "feel good" or something along those lines, but I've been told from others that he only does it at home and only because "his mom makes him do it" - but he does it on his own every morning without prompts, nonetheless). His verbal skills have come a very long way, and his social skills are continuing to come along nicely. All of these are areas where he greatly struggled when he was younger and are areas in which much work and support was required for Chef to see positive results.

So let's see. A hanging clothing storage unit with five shelves in the downstairs closet. Forget the hamper for now. Each shelf will hold a complete outfit. At the end of each day, instead of the clothing going into the hamper, it goes back onto its shelf so I can easily see whether anything is missing. On laundry day, each complete outfit is checked before going to the laundry room, then reorganized back on the shelves afterwards. Sock basket by the door. Daily foot checks. Over-the-top verbal prompting on using his books of lists til Chef tires of hearing it and is willing to pick up his book.

Holidays. Week One.

One week ago today marked the last day of school before Christmas holidays. The time since then has not been a party.

On a positive note, there have been NO TANTRUMS! For this, I am truly thankful.

Otherwise, Chef has spent the past week not getting washed, not getting dressed (and I don't mean in the "pyjama days" sense!), and doing whatever he can to not do chores. He's been averaging a total of about 5-6 hours a day not doing dishes. This is not new, nor is it reserved for the holiday season.

Yesterday was the first day Chef put on an outfit. He'd been reminded the day before that extended family would be coming out for the afternoon. In the morning, he was reminded again and informed that we'd be going over to his sister's place instead of having everyone at our place. At the one-hour-til-departure mark, he was reminded that he had one hour before the cab arrived, and that he needed to have a bath and get dressed. At the 45 minute mark, he was asked if he was ready yet and reminded that he needed to get dressed - reminded again at the half-hour mark and 25 minute mark. At the 20 minute mark, he asked what time the cab would arrive. I told him I hadn't called yet but that we were aiming for 1:00 and he needed to get clean and dressed. He was reminded again at the 15 minute mark that he needed to have a bath and get dressed, and that people sure would not want to see him in a cab or at his sister's place "dressed" the way he was.

At about 10 minutes to one (when I called for a cab, they said the car would be here at 1:05), I used a very firm voice and told Chef to get ready immediately. Now! Now! Now! Chef jogged up the stairs and went to get dressed. I reminded him that he needed to wash the body odour off of himself before putting on his clothes. He poured a shallow bath and splashed some water around. I've heard the non-bath sounds before so I knocked and went in to support him. With the reminder that he needed to quickly bathe, Chef started slowly rubbing the soap up and down one leg. He was reminded that he could bathe himself or have help from me. He started rubbing soap onto his arm. I asked him where his list was for having baths, and reminded him that he needed to start at the top of his head and work down his body, leaving his private areas til last. I'm pretty sure this process would have gone on for quite some time except my oldest daughter suddenly called out that the cab had arrived. Chef started hearing me perform a chorus of "To the Cab, Now!" It's a fairly simple chorus - the same line just repeats pretty much all the way through.

Chef went out the front door, jacket in hand. I went to the back door and started carrying items out that needed to be loaded into the cab. My daughter was loading her baby's carseat into the backseat. Chef was nowhere to be seen.

I ran back into the house, looked through the peephole of the front door, and saw Chef standing on the front step fiddling with his tie. I opened the door, turned him around to face the yard, straightened my arms and released him in the right direction accompanied by another chorus of "To the Cab, Now!" Chef started running across the yard then suddenly called out, "Ow! It hurts my feet!" Then I clued in. He wasn't wearing his boots! They were sitting on the step so I grabbed them and tossed them in the direction Chef was running, told him to get them on and get to the cab immediately, shut the door and locked it, then ran back to the back door to continue getting stuff from the house to the cab. Still no Chef. My daughter and I got everything together, and as I was picking up the last items I needed to carry, Chef showed up by the deck. No boots on his feet. Dude, not cool. Get your boots on! Now!

We spent the rest of the day with family.

December 12, 2010

Three words.

Tantrum. Free. Weekend.


Three more words.

Chores are completed.



Yesterday we ran a few errands, stopped at a local cafe for a bowl of soup, then headed over to the art center for an afternoon of painting. Chef painted up a storm and made gifts for everyone in our family.

Today's been a relaxing day at home. There were only a few blips with chores. Chef made his school lunches for the week and (drumroll please!) his chores are finished.

What a lovely weekend

Pants - December 7, 2010

On Monday, I reminded Chef that he was not to wear his beige pants anymore. He'd been wearing them for numerous days already (and probably nights) and there were spots on them that were questionable at best. Chef said he only had a pair of jeans to wear then and reminded me that he didn't have any other clothes and we reviewed the reasons for that (most have "disappeared" again and Chef hasn't been putting in his laundry). "Well, jeans it is then. You're not wearing the beige ones again."

On Tuesday morning, Chef came out of his room wearing his beige pants. "Did you need help taking those off?" I asked. "No," replied Chef as he shuffled back into his room. A couple of minutes later, he came out of his room, stood in the hallway and said, "Mom, did something spill on my pants?" "Pardon?" "Did something spill on my pants?" "Well, whose pants are they?" "Mine." "And where were they?" "In my room." "So why are you asking me about them?" "I don't know. I just wondered if something spilled on them during a room check."

This was all sounding a little odd.

"No, why are you asking?" "They smell." "I would smell too if I were a pair of pants bunched up in your room the last few weeks." "Yeah but I washed them before they went in my room and I haven't worn them since then." "Ok, but your clothes will take on some smells if they're left bunched up in a room." "Oh."

Chef went outside. When I walked into the front entrance - whoa. Ok, the pants definitely smell. I left a voicemail for his resource teacher warning him.

December 9, 2010

Wow.

Something is happening.

Chef made his bed.

I don't mean that in the typical, "Oh my word, my teenager made his bed!" way.

Those of you who know us know that Chef has gone through numerous mattresses. They usually start to meet their demise through Chef's need to pull at threads/lint/fluff/anything small really. Once a tiny hole exists, it usually must be poked and prodded until it's a larger hole at which point it usually then becomes a tuck-away place for other string/thread/fluff/anything small really. Historically, the mattress eventually turns into something akin to a large pocket/backpack in which to store various items while the mattress itself is being slowly (though sometimes quickly) taken apart. Parallel to this part of the mattress's adventure, it is usually being christened with various bodily outputs including but not limited to urine, blood, etc., etc., etc. The mattress eventually ends its adventure by being disposed of for sanitary reasons or being increasingly dismantled by Chef.

There have been many times when Chef has spent many nights sleeping on his bedroom floor when he was younger, stating that he was more comfortable. When he was very young, he used to say his bed was too high. His most recent bed was a low bed. He still often slept on the floor, sometimes on top of his vent. Other times, he could be seen sleeping partly under his bed with a stack of heavy books over his vent. Sometimes he slept in his bed.

With the complete destruction of his bed a few weeks back, Chef has been sleeping on his floor. We've kept the coil frame up against a wall in his room in case we came up with an idea for an "indestructible" mattress/cover of some sort. Chef initially stated again that he wanted to sleep on the floor anyway. As a mom, it's been very difficult to see your child making certain choices, and for me this has been one of them. But with strong support from other team members, I've managed to just accept it.

So - I've been using even firmer boundaries with Chef lately. Any slight hint whatsoever of any type of "attitude" - every single solitary little teensy hint of anything inappropriate - is met with the reminder that Chef can choose to be appropriate or take himself outside to do something physical. There is no second chance or warning when it comes to showing "attitude" while doing a chore. Anything that appears to be passive-aggressive in nature is also met with the same response. So far it's been lots of "Take it outside" from me - and lots of agreement and seeming shift in "attitude" from Chef! There have been a couple of very minor and very short-lived pepperings of whining or foghorning, but Chef seems to be accepting the fact that additional issues outside just keep him outside longer. I am hoping this will "work well enough" to break some of Chef's chore-resistance habits before the temps start dropping too low.

The other thing I'm doing is having Chef start his chores before supper. Chef used to come home carrying every issue that bothered him at school, and we sometimes spent entire evenings or more dealing with those issues. That all ended when I started having Chef take a rest as soon as he gets home from school. When he walks in the door, we only have a very brief "how was your day" check-in then Chef heads off to his room. There are times when Chef sleeps close to two hours! Other times, I can hear him snoring for a bit then he's just quiet in his room for awhile before coming downstairs. We've basically carved out a two-hour timeframe for after-school resting; a margin which alleviated the after-school issues. As soon as Chef was up, we would either start supper or eat supper then Chef would spend the rest of the many evenings not doing a chore. As of this week, Chef is to do a chore before supper. Supper time comes when it's suppertime, not when Chef is ready. If Chef is still doing his chore when it is suppertime, then that's how he's chosing to spend his suppertime. This never would have "worked" awhile back, but this week it seems to be sinking in with Chef that it's time to take this all seriously. On Tuesday, we needed to run a quick errand after school and Chef was reminded again that he needed to remove certain inappropriate items from his room when we got home. He said he didn't want to. I told him that I wasn't asking whether he wanted to and that I already understood that he didn't want to, but he still needed to remove the items. He was given an extra hour after rest-time to do this, even though it wouldn't have taken more than 5-10 minutes to accomplish if he went slowly. When the hour was up, I called Chef downstairs without saying anything about his room. He asked if he could make supper. I told him I'd already eaten. Chef looked surprised. I reminded him that he still needed to get the dishes done from the day before and that, since he was still on Monday's chores, he wasn't ready to start Tuesday evening yet, and that his supper wouldn't be waiting for him until he decided to be ready to eat. I told him he had 20 minutes to finish up the dishes that he left from Monday and that he could choose to get them done in the 20 minutes or start using his eating time. 20 minutes later, Chef was sent outside to find his willingness to do the dishes. Since he showed good attitude outside, he was called in less than a minute later and informed that he had another five minutes to either finish the dishes or go back outside, keeping in mind that he was now using his suppertime which would be over in a few minutes. I do not believe in withholding food, etc., but I do believe in allowing Chef to learn that his use of time defines some of his choices. Chef suddenly took this very seriously and got the dishes "done" then ate and spent the rest of the evening in his room.

WHEN HE CAME DOWNSTAIRS WEDNESDAY MORNING - he was carrying the inappropriate items with him that he'd removed from his room!!! On Wednesday after school, Chef had his usual rest-time in his room, then came down and was informed that I'd checked the dishes and most of them had received the "dip dip dry" treatment so he was still on Tuesday's chore and wasn't ready to start his Wednesday afternoon yet. He was outside twice but showed very good attitude outside immediately so was only outside very briefly then came in and (are you sitting down?) actually WASHED the dishes!! They were clean!! He had a few blips around wiping a counter and the stove, but the dishes themselve were clean. Chef ate and spent the evening in his room. (Free time activities happen when Chef has completed chores without taking forever/giving attitude/pretending to do the chore/etc.) When Chef went up to his room, I immediately heard a banging sound so I called him down. He said he had sat down on his bed. I pointed out it sounded much louder than a "sit" and he responded with definite grump. Out he went. When he came back in, he told me he'd made his bed during rest-time. I'm sure I blinked a few times. "You made your bed?" "Yeah, I put my bedding on it." "Well, that is awesome! Let's see!" Chef and I went into his room and I couldn't believe my eyes. There were only a couple small balls of string/whatnot on his floor and no other bits of paper or chunks of mattress foam or anything else! He had moved his furniture around! The piano keyboard was sitting nicely on the bench instead of leaning on its side in the corner of the room. And his bed had bedding on it!! "Wow! What brought this on?" "I don't know. I just wanted a better room and I got tired of sleeping on the floor." "You mean you slept on the coils?" "Yeah. It felt better on my back." "So are you thinking you'd like to replace your mattress or just leave your room as it is now?" "Yeah, I'm hoping to get another mattress." "Hoping? Is it just going to happen?" "No, I meant I'm going to get another mattress when I have enough money." We then talked about what was left on Chef's list that he had to repay to others for stealing, what items he needed to replace, and how he had much less "debt" owing to other people this year than any other year at this time. Needless to say, I told him I was very proud of him.

Mornings this week have seen a change as well. Historically, Chef has waited til the last minute to get ready for school. We started to see a change in this when his bus driver one year told him he wouldn't wait for him anymore and I told him that if he missed the bus he would stay home and do chores because school is his work and if he's not at school working when he's supposed to be, then he's working at home. There were some changes here and there with that plan, but it obviously made things more tricky at home. This year, he has a driver that waits patiently for him. Chef is in no rush at all this year til he sees the bus arrive. He usually doesn't eat breakfast or put on clean clothes or wash or brush his teeth or use deodorant, etc., etc., regardless of reminders, incentives, smell, possible discomfort, hunger, etc. He recently has been getting up on time again and independently doing exercises, but getting ready? There are all sorts of subcategories to the "getting ready for school" mornings. This week, new plan. Chef gets up later and goes out to wait for the bus. I put his lunch (that he's made) outside for him and he can either choose to take it or leave it. This provides a quiet morning for myself, my daughter, and my grandchild. I'll do this for the rest of this week then see whether Chef initiates some sort of discussion or desired shift. I am thinking that if he doesn't, what I might do is do alternating weeks of "immediately outside" mornings then a week of alternating days ("immediately outside" on Monday, opportunity to have a morning inside to get ready, etc) and return to really really playing up the breakfast foods again. Maybe enough of the "inside is really nice and so are tasty breakfasts" mornings will someday override the "I don't want to do anything" mornings.

December 5, 2010

Part B

There wasn't a sound from Chef's room until around 9:30 this morning. A few minutes later, I was in the washroom and heard Chef's door open then close. I left the washroom quietly and peeked in his room. No Chef. I walked downstairs and saw him quickly disappearing around a corner. I walked through the kitchen and into the living to find Chef just starting to duck down between the china cabinet and loveseat. He was wearing only socks and had a blanket wrapped around him (he has gone through/gotten rid of numerous pairs of pajamas). I told him to go back up to his room, followed him upstairs, and told him to get dressed. A few minutes later, I told him it was time for a room check because I didn't know if he'd been sneaking downstairs other times during the night. He made an angry face and grumped at me. I reminded him that he was the one who was breaking rules and when he gets caught breaking a rule, it is not ok to take that out on someone else. He grumped again. I told him he could fix his grump or take it outside. He went outside and immediately did some jumping jacks and I called him in a couple of minutes later after I'd checked his room. There were the usual disturbing items but nothing out of the ordinary. Chef came inside in good space. I asked him to return to his room and to sing so I would know that he was in his room. He is presently singing in his room without issue while I'm doing up this morning's blog entry.

It would be great if Chef participates in school-lunch prep today. He hasn't at all for the past few weekends. When he doesn't participate at all, I don't either. That leaves Chef having to prepare his school lunch the night before or in the mornings. He's been leaving it til mornings, then just grabbing an apple or an apple and some crackers or occasionally some leftovers. He hasn't had consistently good school lunches for two weeks now because of his weekend choices. I wonder if he's tired enough of that to make a change and do some lunch prep today.

***UPDATE: After a late lunch today, Chef shovelled the neighbours' front porch (very small) and made a pathway to the parking lot, then came in and independently made his school lunches without issue. He offered to make supper ("to help make up for how I acted today") and was reminded that he gladly could but he would still need to do weekend chores (two household chores - he is also technically supposed to be doing extra chores to pay back for stolen/damaged items, etc., but is behind just on his regular day-to-day stuff at this point). Chef cooked liver, mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables for supper. It was great. When it was time for dishes, Chef moved very quickly and had the kitchen finished up in about 20 minutes. When I checked the dishes, they weren't clean (I don't mean in a "teenager not cleaning dishes" way or that there were a few missed spots, etc. There were lots of food bits, etc. ) It was great that the usual dragging out of the chore hadn't accompanied the "not cleaning" but it was very clear that Chef again hadn't made an effort to actually wash the dishes. There were no rags for Chef to clean the little washroom downstairs because he's gotten rid of the rags and we weren't over at the thrift shop so he could replace them because he was tantrumming on Saturday. It's all a chain. At this point, I really do believe that it is mostly all a ploy to do whatever it takes to get out of chores. I've suspected that over the years when it came to some things; as time goes on, I'm more convinced. I could be wrong. I realize chores involve a lot of steps and some planning, which is why Chef has written helps to use (which he doesn't use, but he no longer whines, etc., when reminded of using helps), but sneaking through the house to take stuff also requires steps and planning. Repeatedly throwing hard snow/ice at windows also requires steps and planning, evidenced by Chef taking the time to find the "right" pieces and tossing unworthy pieces onto the ground. Independently making his own school lunches requires far more steps and planning, yet Chef is very successful in that area when he makes his lunches on the weekends, and very successful when independently cooking meals otherwise as well.

And so, the chore saga continues...

December 5, 2010

Part A

The past few weekends have all had tantrums. Wait, there was one tantrum-free weekend that took place right after Chef's appointment with his mental health worker and "new" psychiatriast. Chef had stated after the appointment that he was embarassed by what had been discussed during the appointment. That weekend, there were no tantrums. There was the usual not wanting to do chores, etc., but no tantrums. That was new. Usually, after appointments in which concerns are discussed, Chef displays his feelings disrespectfully.

That was a few weekends ago, and there has been a tantrum every weekend since. All the tantrums have been chore/responsibility-related or stealing-related. Chef hates chores or anything that he deems to resemble a chore, and Chef becomes angry if something he has stolen has not been used by him prior to the item being discovered missing. Otherwise, things are going quite well. At this point, all tantrums are redirected to outside of our home because Chef has been destructive inside our home in the past.

Last weekend, we were enjoying a very pleasant weekend together - until around 1pm on Saturday when I discovered $20. was missing from my wallet(which I thought I had hidden well enough, but obviously hadn't). It was about four hours before Chef stopped behaving inappropriately and close to another hour before he admitted that he'd taken the money and hidden it. He tried explaining to me that he needs money to have like other kids. I agreed. I also reminded him that other kids don't spend weeks on end trying to avoid doing a chore, and that they do what they can to earn money rather than stealing it. I asked if he needed me to remind him of the allowance/money-earning system in our home. "No, it's ok," was the reply. On Sunday morning, Chef didn't come out of his room til just before noon and was still showing anger about the money. He was reminded that he could use his anger management tools/activities to help himself feel better and turn things around, or he could take himself outside. He stormed out of the house and started repeatedly kicking the door and ringing the doorbell and raging for just over an hour. Thankfully, the neighbour and I had already arranged for Chef to be at her place Sunday afternoon from 1pm til bedtime. When I opened the door and told Chef he could head over to the neighbours', he stopped, yelled that he was hungry, and that he didn't want to go to the neighbours' place. I agreed that I would be hungry too if I'd spent my lunchtime tanrumming instead of eating. A few minutes later he went over to the neighbours' house. A few days later, he told me he's never tantrumming again because he didn't like having to suddeny go to the neighbours' house. I didn't respond to the comment.

This past Thursday evening, Chef and I went with friends to a Christmas party at an art gallery. The staff were instructing folks on how to make origami ornaments to decorate the gallery's gigantic tree. Chef dove in with enthusiasm. Origami is one of his interests and he is very skilled at picking it up quickly. When he is shown something to make from paper, he will initially make quite a few. If he runs out of paper, he'll just rip some to the necessary sizes to make more. I've been amazed at how tiny some of his cranes have been. Once the novelty wears off, he doesn't do origami again until someone other than me does more and then he's back into making beautiful pieces again. On Thursday, Chef learned how to make an origami Christmas ball and an origami pop-star, and made quite a few for the gallery's tree then brought some home and has been making a few pop-stars since. When I encouraged him to show some of the folks at school how to make then, he said he wasn't going to show anyone at school. I have a sense we'll have a nice number of them to hang in our home for the season though.

On Friday, Chef informed me that there were no rags (again) to do any chores, and he'd already taken close to an hour in the kitchen without having actually washed any dishes. I hadn't been feeling well since Thursday night, and just sent Chef to bed early on Friday. Chef was up at 6am doing exercises on Saturday morning. From my room, I called to Chef to go back in his room til later because it was too early to be doing exercises on a Saturday. Chef went back to his room. At 7am, Chef was out in the hallway doing exercises again. I told Chef he needed to wait until I was up before starting his day. Chef said, "OK" and returned to his room. I was up around 9, but there was no sound from Chef's room until just after 11am, at which point there was banging. When I knocked on his bedroom door, there was no answer. My second knock was met with a loud banging in Chef's room. I opened the door to see Chef sitting on his floor wearing just a shirt and banging his heel against the floor with an angry look on his face. I told him he needed to use his tools and behave appropriately or take himself outside. He looked down at his feet and banged again. I told him to take it outside. Chef stood up, put on a pair of pants and socks, walked down the stairs, put on his outerwear, went outside, then immediately started yelling that he was cold. I opened the door and told him this was his one reminder to work off his anger and then he could come in, that doing something physical would warm him up, and that the sooner he shows he's being appropriate, the sooner he'd be inside. Chef continued to yell and make "foghorn" sounds. He continued yelling and "foghorning" for awhile, then started picking up snow and throwing it at the house. A few minutes later, he started throwing small balls of hard snow at the door, then the window, then would quietly look for large chunks of hard snow and/or ice and hurl them at the window. I wasn't too concerned at that point because he was far enough away that it wasn't making an impact and I figured he'd quickly tire of the physical energy required. Wrong. He was shortly seeking out large chunks of the hard stuff and coming closer to the house to hurl them at the window and at the neighbours' window. I called the police and explained the situation, and that my son needed the message from them that this was not appropriate. I had the blinds closed at a certain angle that allowed me to see out if I stood in a certain place. Chef would scan the living room window, then step back and look up at my bedroom window and hurl snow then look at the living room window again or at the neighbours' house. I saw that after my son would throw at the neighbours' window, he'd then grin and laugh as he turned to pick up more snow. When he'd throw at our window, he'd yell and "foghorn." I called the neighbour to let them know that the police were on their way. When the police arrived, my son told them that he was angry because he knew he had to do exercises. Needless to say, I informed the officers that he usually does an exercise program on his own every morning and that I hadn't allowed him to exercise as early as he'd wanted that morning. I also mentioned Chef's "do anything to get out of chores at all cost" way of thinking and the steps that needed to happen before Chef could come back into the house. I also informed the officers that Chef's usually employed the yelling of, "I'm hungry!" when tantrumming outside if he has tantrummed through a mealtime and missed his meal. The officers were very clear with Chef about the importance of listening to his Mom, and directed him to start doing some physical exercise. They also informed him that if he'd broken either of the windows, they'd be cuffing him and taking him to the youth detention center where he'd have to stay in a tiny room by himself and would only be allowed out for meals and a short break each day. (Unfortunately, that information has never been much of a deterrent for Chef, even when his mental health worker talked with him about it when he was around 8 or so. Chef has stated in the past that he'd like to be able to just sit and do nothing all day.) I informed the officers that the last time I'd called in officers, Chef had started up again as soon as they'd left and that Chef needed to know that we were all on the same page about what would then happen. The officers talked with Chef more about being appropriate and stated that they would be returning to deal with him again if he continued once they left. They stayed and talked with me a few minutes while Chef got into a jumping jacks groove and seemed to be turning things around. I thanked them, they left, Chef continued exercising, and a friend of mine came over to hang out in the house for awhile so Chef would be more willing to get his chores done. Chef came in appropriately and started cleaning up the kitchen appropriately. Then began a few "games" here and there; flitzing dirt from the kitchen doormat out into the living room, removing his dirty sock from his foot to use as a rag because he'd gotten rid of the rags so he wouldn't have to do chores, pretending to be cleaning the bathroom upstairs while we were downstairs but instead going into my bedroom, which I had mistakenly left unlocked, and removing items then hiding them in the bathroom for later retrieval, etc. Chef lied about being in my bedroom and made an angry face. Back outside to deal, but this time he immediately did some exercises. When I asked him if he was ready to come inside and be appropriate and honest, he asked if my friend was still there. I asked him again if he was ready to come inside and be appropriate and honest. He angrily asked if my friend was still there. I closed the door. Chef turned to face the house, pulled his toque over his head, and started foghorning while jumping - then started losing his balance, stopped, put his hat on properly, turned around, and did jumping jacks. A few minutes later, Chef was honest about what items he'd taken from my room and where he'd put them, and started dishes. He finished dishes just before 6pm, had supper, and went to his room. Chores finshed so far this weekend: dishes. Sort of. I still need to weed out the ones that received the "dip,dip,dry" treatment. Chores started: floors.

Weekend Balance

Chef spent Friday evening with his sister and niece. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he'd worked on weekend chores. Saturday morning and early afternoon were great; Chef ate, washed up and dressed (still sandals though; he continues to say he can't find his socks because his sister put them somewhere, which she did - on top of the dryer after helping Chef with his laundry. This is the second weekend that Chef has again said that he doesn't have his socks anymore, even with reminders of exactly where they are), and seemed quite relaxed and happy as we ran errands together. We got home just before supper and I reminded Chef that his mattress was still in the front yard and needed to be cleaned up. Chef said ok, then went outside. Glancing outside a few minutes later, I noticed a seemingly angry Chef tearing apart the mattress even more; foam and other mattress bits were strewn across the yard. I opened the door and asked what was happening. Chef looked at me angrily and said that he knew I still didn't believe that he hadn't hidden anything in his mattress. "Well, that's right, but the issue right now is that you need to get your mattress cleaned up so it's not in the yard anymore." Chef started escalating. I reminded him that all he needed to do right now was clean up the mattress and that we weren't discussing anything else about his mattress today. Chef escalated. I reminded him of his anger management tools. Chef continued his yelling and whining and angry facial expressions; I shut the door. Two hours later, the mattress was cleaned up and Chef was calm and inside. He had a quick bite to eat, then we walked down to a small local cafe for an evening of music/jamming. It was interesting to note that when we were listening to the performing group for the first half-hour, Chef expressed some difficulty with the noise-level yet when I went up and started playing with the band, Chef independently and seemingly enthusiastically moved so he was sitting right up front by the band.

On Sunday, Chef attended an AGM with me as well as an afternoon performance, then we spent the evening having a leisurely, story-filled supper with a friend. On the way home, we talked about how Chef had used two hours to tantrum when that time would have been much better spent working together on his lunches for the week then having free time. Chef agreed.

A Gold-Star Week at Home, Silver for School Marks, Coal for Dishonesty at School

Today is Friday.

What a nice week we've had. Chef has continued his mornings of independent exercise, eating his breakfast without prompts, and getting his lunch items out and packed into his lunchbox without prompts. Hygiene and making it out to the bus on time are not happening. Today Chef went out to the bus barefoot and carrying his sandals again, but today he was running rather than walking.

Yesterday after school, Chef and I walked downtown to meet up with a few of my friends. Chef sat at his own table and read newspapers/magazines. When we got home, Chef independently started his chores and put in his laundry! After supper, Chef cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned up the upstairs bathroom, then spent his "free time" in his room because he'd lost his choice of activities due to choices he's been making at school.

Chef's resource teacher had received an email from Chef's art teacher. Chef has been telling his art teacher that he needs to leave class to go have meds. He hasn't been having meds at school and hasn't been going to the resource room after being excused from his class. We don't know where he's been going after leaving the classroom.

Chef brought home papers yesterday stating that there are a lot of assignments Chef hasn't submitted but he is getting excellent marks.

A lot of positives this week, combined with a pretty big concern.

And Then What Happened?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

We have had two fairly blissful evenings in our home.

Chef has been respectful, pleasant, and enjoyable. He's been smiling and independently interacting with me, his sister, and his niece. He's been independently and sporadically talking about his day. He's been doing his chores quickly and with positive attitude, and has left himself free time in the evenings! He also made supper last night, and prepared potatoes for tonight's supper.

Tonight we watched "The Soloist." I didn't realize there would be such a strong focus on mental illness. Chef and I had quite a few brief conversations during the movie, and will need to revisit some of them.

Mornings remain about the same when it comes to the actual "getting ready to leave" parts, but I have to say that I remain completely amazed that Chef starts his mornings by independently doing exercises. He also ate part of his breakfast again this morning (two mornings in a row!), and again took a better-sized lunch than he had been taking last week (again, two mornings in a row!), including food that I've prepared for him (which has frequently been a pretty big issue!)

For this I am truly thankful.