Part B
There wasn't a sound from Chef's room until around 9:30 this morning. A few minutes later, I was in the washroom and heard Chef's door open then close. I left the washroom quietly and peeked in his room. No Chef. I walked downstairs and saw him quickly disappearing around a corner. I walked through the kitchen and into the living to find Chef just starting to duck down between the china cabinet and loveseat. He was wearing only socks and had a blanket wrapped around him (he has gone through/gotten rid of numerous pairs of pajamas). I told him to go back up to his room, followed him upstairs, and told him to get dressed. A few minutes later, I told him it was time for a room check because I didn't know if he'd been sneaking downstairs other times during the night. He made an angry face and grumped at me. I reminded him that he was the one who was breaking rules and when he gets caught breaking a rule, it is not ok to take that out on someone else. He grumped again. I told him he could fix his grump or take it outside. He went outside and immediately did some jumping jacks and I called him in a couple of minutes later after I'd checked his room. There were the usual disturbing items but nothing out of the ordinary. Chef came inside in good space. I asked him to return to his room and to sing so I would know that he was in his room. He is presently singing in his room without issue while I'm doing up this morning's blog entry.
It would be great if Chef participates in school-lunch prep today. He hasn't at all for the past few weekends. When he doesn't participate at all, I don't either. That leaves Chef having to prepare his school lunch the night before or in the mornings. He's been leaving it til mornings, then just grabbing an apple or an apple and some crackers or occasionally some leftovers. He hasn't had consistently good school lunches for two weeks now because of his weekend choices. I wonder if he's tired enough of that to make a change and do some lunch prep today.
***UPDATE: After a late lunch today, Chef shovelled the neighbours' front porch (very small) and made a pathway to the parking lot, then came in and independently made his school lunches without issue. He offered to make supper ("to help make up for how I acted today") and was reminded that he gladly could but he would still need to do weekend chores (two household chores - he is also technically supposed to be doing extra chores to pay back for stolen/damaged items, etc., but is behind just on his regular day-to-day stuff at this point). Chef cooked liver, mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables for supper. It was great. When it was time for dishes, Chef moved very quickly and had the kitchen finished up in about 20 minutes. When I checked the dishes, they weren't clean (I don't mean in a "teenager not cleaning dishes" way or that there were a few missed spots, etc. There were lots of food bits, etc. ) It was great that the usual dragging out of the chore hadn't accompanied the "not cleaning" but it was very clear that Chef again hadn't made an effort to actually wash the dishes. There were no rags for Chef to clean the little washroom downstairs because he's gotten rid of the rags and we weren't over at the thrift shop so he could replace them because he was tantrumming on Saturday. It's all a chain. At this point, I really do believe that it is mostly all a ploy to do whatever it takes to get out of chores. I've suspected that over the years when it came to some things; as time goes on, I'm more convinced. I could be wrong. I realize chores involve a lot of steps and some planning, which is why Chef has written helps to use (which he doesn't use, but he no longer whines, etc., when reminded of using helps), but sneaking through the house to take stuff also requires steps and planning. Repeatedly throwing hard snow/ice at windows also requires steps and planning, evidenced by Chef taking the time to find the "right" pieces and tossing unworthy pieces onto the ground. Independently making his own school lunches requires far more steps and planning, yet Chef is very successful in that area when he makes his lunches on the weekends, and very successful when independently cooking meals otherwise as well.
And so, the chore saga continues...
Showing posts with label sneaking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sneaking. Show all posts
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
A Gold-Star Week at Home, Silver for School Marks, Coal for Dishonesty at School
Today is Friday.
What a nice week we've had. Chef has continued his mornings of independent exercise, eating his breakfast without prompts, and getting his lunch items out and packed into his lunchbox without prompts. Hygiene and making it out to the bus on time are not happening. Today Chef went out to the bus barefoot and carrying his sandals again, but today he was running rather than walking.
Yesterday after school, Chef and I walked downtown to meet up with a few of my friends. Chef sat at his own table and read newspapers/magazines. When we got home, Chef independently started his chores and put in his laundry! After supper, Chef cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned up the upstairs bathroom, then spent his "free time" in his room because he'd lost his choice of activities due to choices he's been making at school.
Chef's resource teacher had received an email from Chef's art teacher. Chef has been telling his art teacher that he needs to leave class to go have meds. He hasn't been having meds at school and hasn't been going to the resource room after being excused from his class. We don't know where he's been going after leaving the classroom.
Chef brought home papers yesterday stating that there are a lot of assignments Chef hasn't submitted but he is getting excellent marks.
A lot of positives this week, combined with a pretty big concern.
What a nice week we've had. Chef has continued his mornings of independent exercise, eating his breakfast without prompts, and getting his lunch items out and packed into his lunchbox without prompts. Hygiene and making it out to the bus on time are not happening. Today Chef went out to the bus barefoot and carrying his sandals again, but today he was running rather than walking.
Yesterday after school, Chef and I walked downtown to meet up with a few of my friends. Chef sat at his own table and read newspapers/magazines. When we got home, Chef independently started his chores and put in his laundry! After supper, Chef cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned up the upstairs bathroom, then spent his "free time" in his room because he'd lost his choice of activities due to choices he's been making at school.
Chef's resource teacher had received an email from Chef's art teacher. Chef has been telling his art teacher that he needs to leave class to go have meds. He hasn't been having meds at school and hasn't been going to the resource room after being excused from his class. We don't know where he's been going after leaving the classroom.
Chef brought home papers yesterday stating that there are a lot of assignments Chef hasn't submitted but he is getting excellent marks.
A lot of positives this week, combined with a pretty big concern.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Candy Bars, Books, and Tantrums
Monday, November 1, 2010
Yesterday was not fun at our house. It started out ok'ish though. Given the overload of sugar in his system, I gave Chef extra time to sleep in in the morning. When he got up he wanted to make brunch (one of my favourite parts of a weekend!) and did up fried eggs and fried potatoes. We watched part of a video while we ate brunch, then Chef independently started doing chores. About five minutes later, Chef announced that he couldn't clean the bathroom because he only had one rag and that was in the laundry. "Where are the other rags?" "I don't know. I got rid of them" "How do you plan on cleaning the bathroom then?" "I guess I'll have to wait til the laundry's done" "That's not going to work." "(angry whining and escalating body language) Well, what am I supposed to do if I don't have rags??" "First, you can take the whining outside and deal with it there and not bring it back inside." Chef stormed out, stood outside for a few minutes, did some jumping jacks, came back inside when I motioned him in, and did the lunch dishes. While he had been outside, I'd noticed that more of my books were missing from my bookcase. After finishing up the lunch dishes, Chef came into the living room and said he didn't know what to do because he had to wait for the rag that was in the washer. I said that we also needed to discuss the matter of other books missing from the bookcase. Chef immediately stormed, angrily stating that he hadn't taken any books. I told him he could take himself back outside until he was ready to communicate appropriately. Chef tantrummed outside for an hour and a half. When he appeared appropriate and calm for awhile, I invited him back inside. I asked him if he was ready to communicate appropriately. "Yes." "Good, because at some point we'll need to talk about the books." "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T TAKE ANY BOOKS!!" "Back outside til you're ready to communicate appropriately." Chef stormed outside and started throwing pine cones at the house, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly ringing the doorbell, repeatedly kicking the door, banging his head against the living room window and making faces at me then screaming when I would leave the living room, yelling that he was cold, etc., etc. Chef tantrummed for at least an hour and a half that time. Once he was able to be back inside, Chef stated that he'd been taking books on his way out the door to school in the morning and hiding them in his lunchbag. Most mornings, Chef runs out the door at the last minute, and I am at the door with him then watching him from the front window til the bus arrives. Lately, however, I have not been right at the door when he comes in after school. The bookcase is right by the door and Chef wouldn't be hard-pressed to be able to slip out a book and stash it in the closet to take somewhere later on. If I am downstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check before going upstairs (he usually goes upstairs for a rest after school); if I am upstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check when he gets upstairs. We've stopped doing checks for each time Chef goes upstairs otherwise, but it seems to be time to start doing that again. Chef says sometimes he'll say he's going to clean the front entrance (about 5'x5') then hide something in the closet or in his niece's stroller then take it upstairs or stash it outside later.
Chef didn't bring up his laundry from the dryer yesterday. This morning he said he doesn't know where any of his socks are that were just purchased last weekend; I know they were in the hamper, but Chef said they weren't in the laundry room when he took the hamper downstairs. His runners had needed washing on the weekend and he was reminded three times in less than half an hour to put his runners into the washer. That didn't happen; he washed them outside instead. I asked him if he'd forgotten that he's tried that before and it doesn't work. He did work on his lunches last night without issue and actually agreed to take more in his lunches, including a dessert I made for him! This is highly unusual. I'm very thankful he was at that point yesterday. This morning, I packed his lunch into a large, clear tupperware container so it's easy for his school support staff to see what's inside with hopes that it will minimize some of Chef's stealing/stashing attempts. When the bus pulled up, Chef had only been starting to get ready the last few minutes beforehand and was not at all ready to go - though he had actually eaten part of a breakfast! He walked out to the bus barefoot, wearing pyjamas, carrying sandals, his lunch, his jacket (the one that he's kept in the storage room since I bought it for him in summer; it finally got promoted to being brought upstairs and being used!) and a wrinkled outfit he'd pulled out of the dryer. He didn't give his lunch to the driver, and often hasn't been, which usually translates into him eating it on the bus.
I'm a little tuckered out today; actually, a little more than a little.
Yesterday was not fun at our house. It started out ok'ish though. Given the overload of sugar in his system, I gave Chef extra time to sleep in in the morning. When he got up he wanted to make brunch (one of my favourite parts of a weekend!) and did up fried eggs and fried potatoes. We watched part of a video while we ate brunch, then Chef independently started doing chores. About five minutes later, Chef announced that he couldn't clean the bathroom because he only had one rag and that was in the laundry. "Where are the other rags?" "I don't know. I got rid of them" "How do you plan on cleaning the bathroom then?" "I guess I'll have to wait til the laundry's done" "That's not going to work." "(angry whining and escalating body language) Well, what am I supposed to do if I don't have rags??" "First, you can take the whining outside and deal with it there and not bring it back inside." Chef stormed out, stood outside for a few minutes, did some jumping jacks, came back inside when I motioned him in, and did the lunch dishes. While he had been outside, I'd noticed that more of my books were missing from my bookcase. After finishing up the lunch dishes, Chef came into the living room and said he didn't know what to do because he had to wait for the rag that was in the washer. I said that we also needed to discuss the matter of other books missing from the bookcase. Chef immediately stormed, angrily stating that he hadn't taken any books. I told him he could take himself back outside until he was ready to communicate appropriately. Chef tantrummed outside for an hour and a half. When he appeared appropriate and calm for awhile, I invited him back inside. I asked him if he was ready to communicate appropriately. "Yes." "Good, because at some point we'll need to talk about the books." "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T TAKE ANY BOOKS!!" "Back outside til you're ready to communicate appropriately." Chef stormed outside and started throwing pine cones at the house, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly ringing the doorbell, repeatedly kicking the door, banging his head against the living room window and making faces at me then screaming when I would leave the living room, yelling that he was cold, etc., etc. Chef tantrummed for at least an hour and a half that time. Once he was able to be back inside, Chef stated that he'd been taking books on his way out the door to school in the morning and hiding them in his lunchbag. Most mornings, Chef runs out the door at the last minute, and I am at the door with him then watching him from the front window til the bus arrives. Lately, however, I have not been right at the door when he comes in after school. The bookcase is right by the door and Chef wouldn't be hard-pressed to be able to slip out a book and stash it in the closet to take somewhere later on. If I am downstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check before going upstairs (he usually goes upstairs for a rest after school); if I am upstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check when he gets upstairs. We've stopped doing checks for each time Chef goes upstairs otherwise, but it seems to be time to start doing that again. Chef says sometimes he'll say he's going to clean the front entrance (about 5'x5') then hide something in the closet or in his niece's stroller then take it upstairs or stash it outside later.
Chef didn't bring up his laundry from the dryer yesterday. This morning he said he doesn't know where any of his socks are that were just purchased last weekend; I know they were in the hamper, but Chef said they weren't in the laundry room when he took the hamper downstairs. His runners had needed washing on the weekend and he was reminded three times in less than half an hour to put his runners into the washer. That didn't happen; he washed them outside instead. I asked him if he'd forgotten that he's tried that before and it doesn't work. He did work on his lunches last night without issue and actually agreed to take more in his lunches, including a dessert I made for him! This is highly unusual. I'm very thankful he was at that point yesterday. This morning, I packed his lunch into a large, clear tupperware container so it's easy for his school support staff to see what's inside with hopes that it will minimize some of Chef's stealing/stashing attempts. When the bus pulled up, Chef had only been starting to get ready the last few minutes beforehand and was not at all ready to go - though he had actually eaten part of a breakfast! He walked out to the bus barefoot, wearing pyjamas, carrying sandals, his lunch, his jacket (the one that he's kept in the storage room since I bought it for him in summer; it finally got promoted to being brought upstairs and being used!) and a wrinkled outfit he'd pulled out of the dryer. He didn't give his lunch to the driver, and often hasn't been, which usually translates into him eating it on the bus.
I'm a little tuckered out today; actually, a little more than a little.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
4am Mornings = Not Fun for Anyone
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Chef has been up the past few mornings around 4am to use the washroom. I'm not sure if he's been going right back to bed or not, since I seem to drift in and out of sleep and then feel the need to get up and check to make sure he's back in his room.
On Tuesday, Chef had stayed home from school because he hadn't been feeling well. I'm not sure if he's come down with a cold or if his bedroom is causing him some problems with his sinuses, but on Monday night he asked if he could have a homeschool day on Tuesday. I told him that we could gladly do a homeschool day but those days have to be planned at least a few days beforehand. "Oh," Chef said, "because I'm not feeling very good." We later agreed that we'd see how he was feeling in the morning and if he still wasn't feeling great then he'd stay home for a sick day, then talked a bit about the difference between a homeschool day and a sick day. The next morning, Chef was up just before 4 and was sneezing off and on til about 8:00. I'd turned off the usual 7:30 alarm, but Chef came out of his room at 8 and said he had to get ready for school then started doing exercises. I reminded him that he was just staying home because he was sick, and that he needed to go back to bed. Around 11'ish, Chef came out again but this time said he REALLY needed to get ready for school. He still sounded snuffly. I reminded him again that he was sick and needed to rest so he could get better. Chef said he needed to be at school by lunch. When I asked him why, he said he thought he might have a test. I explored this a bit more with Chef then told him to just go and rest. I had a sense that he was in a rush to get to school for lunch because he knew he'd be missing out on other students' treats at lunchtime. I could be wrong. It's happened before. At noon, Chef told me again that he was feeling fine. He spent the afternoon at home with his sister and niece, and that evening he "redid" the dishes from last week that he said were clean though they weren't (we'd had a respite weekend, so Thursdays dishes were checked after Chef went to bed on Thursday then Chef was away til Monday evening).
This morning I told Chef he could go downstairs on his own and I'd be down in a minute. It was probably closer to three minutes. Chef said, "Ok, I'm going to make some cornmeal." When I went into the kitchen, there was water on the floor by the fridge. Chef said he didn't know what it was from. I opened the fridge door and noticed the lid on a casserole dish wasn't sitting well on the casserole dish, and figured the puddle on the floor was likely condensation from the wet lid. I debated whether or not to ask Chef or just point out the obvious situation. He's been in fairly good space and he's been occasionally starting to own up to things without lying first, then acknowledging that he feels better when he deals with things honestly like that, so I decided there might be an opportunity for Chef to be open about what he'd done so he'd get that feel-good. I asked Chef what he'd been doing in the kitchen so far. He said he'd gotten out his lunch, so I asked him what else he'd been doing in the kitchen. His immediate response of "That's all I was doing" came with whining and the ol' teenager "you don't believe me??" body language. I told him he needed to go find his honesty and appropriate ways of talking then talk to me. Chef went outside and did some jumping jacks then came in and repeated the same scenario. Back outside again. When he came in this time, he made a "grumpy and/or angry" face and stated that he'd grabbed some of the casserole out of the dish and eaten it while getting his lunch out of the fridge. When I reminded him that it would have been better to have breakfast and that there are appropriate ways to access food, he appeared even more indignant, looked like he was about to yell and started to say something but I quickly put my fingers to his lips to close them so he wouldn't wake his niece. Chef immediately started twisting his head and almost lost his balance. After removing my fingers, I asked Chef what the appropriate ways are to get food other than sneaking/grabbing food and stuffing into his mouth. "To ask or to eat at the table" was the grumpy reply. "Ok, did it work to lie and get angry with me over it?" "No," came the grumped reply. "Did it work to use up morning time that you needed to use for getting ready for school?" "No." Chef then started pushing his lip around with his hand. When I asked what he was doing, he said his lip hurt. I told him that it would definitely hurt doing what he was doing, and that if his lip hurt it would be better to put something cold on it. I had a look at his lip, saw nothing, got out a bag of frozen vegetables and put it to Chef's lip. He made an angry face and said his lip didn't hurt, but I wasn't sure if he was just saying that because he didn't like the cold. I told him that if it hurt, the cold would help and that it would be good to have it on there for a few seconds, and if it didn't hurt, then we didn't need the drama. Chef pulled away from the bag and walked over to the counter to get his lunch. I put the frozen vegetables back into the freezer and reminded Chef that he needed to quickly put away dishes from last night (usually not a morning requirement at all but I'm having someone over today and we're using the kitchen, and there were issues with dishes last night) and that he needed to hurry because he was running late. Chef did put the dishes away very quickly then slowly started picking up his lunch items. I asked him where his clothes were and he pointed to the bathroom and said they were in there. I reminded him that he needed to quickly get dressed because his bus would be coming and he still needed to add more food to his lunchbag. Chef started spooning some sauerkraut into a lunch container. And then - the bus came. When I told Chef the bus was here, Chef walked to the bathroom while I hurried to the front door and opened it. I'm having someone over today and sure didn't want the bus leaving and Chef staying home for the day! Chef walked out the door barefoot, in his pyjamas, carrying his clothes and his lunchbag. I reminded him he couldn't be outside barefoot - another eyeroll from Chef, but he stopped, put on his shoes, and went to the bus.
Today's lesson? Even though Chef doesn't have a problem with it on occasional weekends, don't suddenly change up the school morning by telling Chef he can be downstairs on his own for a bit before school, especially when he's been waking early! And mornings aren't the time for "feel-good" opportunities around food-sneaking!
Last night while dishwashing was taking forever because the dishes were being declared as "done" but showed evidence of not having been washed and had to be "re"washed, I considered setting up my camera to record on the kitchen table. I'd done this once in the past and thought I was being fairly brilliant with the idea. However, while the camera was calmly recording the kitchen happenings, I was nervous about leaving my camera there on its own for fear it might be "accidentally bumped" or encounter some similar fate; the concern was outweighing the benefits of recording. I also had absolutely no desire to sit and watch an evening of dragged-out dishwashing after Chef had gone to bed that evening. So last night I decided instead to check in occasionally by watching the reflection of the kitchen in a glassed picture frame in our living room. I've also done this in the past. I turned up the tv volume a bit then walked to where I could see the reflection. Chef didn't seem to notice whatsoever, and what I saw confirmed some of my wonderings. Chef wasn't actually washing dishes, but was doing the "dip, dip, and drainer" move or occasionally giving a dish one swipe with the dishcloth. I then stepped into the kitchen to watch. Chef glanced from the corner of his eye, continued singing, and started using the dishcloth to scrub all parts of the bowl in his hand. Aha! This provided reassurance for me in two areas. First, Chef is indeed still able to wash the dishes and still knows how to do so even on evenings when it is questionable as to why dishwashing is taking so long. Secondly, Chef wants to do what is right and is capable of doing what is right as long as he knows someone is with him or watching him. The latter might be a bit of a stretch seeing that the reassurance was coming from observing dishwashing, but it does seem to follow in pretty well every area of Chef's life. If someone is with him or he knows someone is watching him, he will almost always make good choices.
Dishes and 4am's and this morning aside, Chef seems to be in good spirits. He is taking responsibility for correcting himself when necessary, is generally accepting boundaries at home, and has generally just been pleasant to live with this week. He's been bringing artwork home and seems to be waiting for his hug when he hands me a painting or drawing. On Tuesday afternoon he just about bowled me over when he hugged me unexpectedly as I walked in the door from grocery shopping. Yesterday, he asked if he could give me a hug and actually snuggled in and gave a great squeeze with his arms. Very cool. And last weekend while packing for respite, Chef independently without any prompting at all announced that he needed to pack books because he gets bored of just playing video games and watching tv. And then he packed books! And his respite provider said he did a lot of reading over the weekend. This makes me smile.
Chef has been up the past few mornings around 4am to use the washroom. I'm not sure if he's been going right back to bed or not, since I seem to drift in and out of sleep and then feel the need to get up and check to make sure he's back in his room.
On Tuesday, Chef had stayed home from school because he hadn't been feeling well. I'm not sure if he's come down with a cold or if his bedroom is causing him some problems with his sinuses, but on Monday night he asked if he could have a homeschool day on Tuesday. I told him that we could gladly do a homeschool day but those days have to be planned at least a few days beforehand. "Oh," Chef said, "because I'm not feeling very good." We later agreed that we'd see how he was feeling in the morning and if he still wasn't feeling great then he'd stay home for a sick day, then talked a bit about the difference between a homeschool day and a sick day. The next morning, Chef was up just before 4 and was sneezing off and on til about 8:00. I'd turned off the usual 7:30 alarm, but Chef came out of his room at 8 and said he had to get ready for school then started doing exercises. I reminded him that he was just staying home because he was sick, and that he needed to go back to bed. Around 11'ish, Chef came out again but this time said he REALLY needed to get ready for school. He still sounded snuffly. I reminded him again that he was sick and needed to rest so he could get better. Chef said he needed to be at school by lunch. When I asked him why, he said he thought he might have a test. I explored this a bit more with Chef then told him to just go and rest. I had a sense that he was in a rush to get to school for lunch because he knew he'd be missing out on other students' treats at lunchtime. I could be wrong. It's happened before. At noon, Chef told me again that he was feeling fine. He spent the afternoon at home with his sister and niece, and that evening he "redid" the dishes from last week that he said were clean though they weren't (we'd had a respite weekend, so Thursdays dishes were checked after Chef went to bed on Thursday then Chef was away til Monday evening).
This morning I told Chef he could go downstairs on his own and I'd be down in a minute. It was probably closer to three minutes. Chef said, "Ok, I'm going to make some cornmeal." When I went into the kitchen, there was water on the floor by the fridge. Chef said he didn't know what it was from. I opened the fridge door and noticed the lid on a casserole dish wasn't sitting well on the casserole dish, and figured the puddle on the floor was likely condensation from the wet lid. I debated whether or not to ask Chef or just point out the obvious situation. He's been in fairly good space and he's been occasionally starting to own up to things without lying first, then acknowledging that he feels better when he deals with things honestly like that, so I decided there might be an opportunity for Chef to be open about what he'd done so he'd get that feel-good. I asked Chef what he'd been doing in the kitchen so far. He said he'd gotten out his lunch, so I asked him what else he'd been doing in the kitchen. His immediate response of "That's all I was doing" came with whining and the ol' teenager "you don't believe me??" body language. I told him he needed to go find his honesty and appropriate ways of talking then talk to me. Chef went outside and did some jumping jacks then came in and repeated the same scenario. Back outside again. When he came in this time, he made a "grumpy and/or angry" face and stated that he'd grabbed some of the casserole out of the dish and eaten it while getting his lunch out of the fridge. When I reminded him that it would have been better to have breakfast and that there are appropriate ways to access food, he appeared even more indignant, looked like he was about to yell and started to say something but I quickly put my fingers to his lips to close them so he wouldn't wake his niece. Chef immediately started twisting his head and almost lost his balance. After removing my fingers, I asked Chef what the appropriate ways are to get food other than sneaking/grabbing food and stuffing into his mouth. "To ask or to eat at the table" was the grumpy reply. "Ok, did it work to lie and get angry with me over it?" "No," came the grumped reply. "Did it work to use up morning time that you needed to use for getting ready for school?" "No." Chef then started pushing his lip around with his hand. When I asked what he was doing, he said his lip hurt. I told him that it would definitely hurt doing what he was doing, and that if his lip hurt it would be better to put something cold on it. I had a look at his lip, saw nothing, got out a bag of frozen vegetables and put it to Chef's lip. He made an angry face and said his lip didn't hurt, but I wasn't sure if he was just saying that because he didn't like the cold. I told him that if it hurt, the cold would help and that it would be good to have it on there for a few seconds, and if it didn't hurt, then we didn't need the drama. Chef pulled away from the bag and walked over to the counter to get his lunch. I put the frozen vegetables back into the freezer and reminded Chef that he needed to quickly put away dishes from last night (usually not a morning requirement at all but I'm having someone over today and we're using the kitchen, and there were issues with dishes last night) and that he needed to hurry because he was running late. Chef did put the dishes away very quickly then slowly started picking up his lunch items. I asked him where his clothes were and he pointed to the bathroom and said they were in there. I reminded him that he needed to quickly get dressed because his bus would be coming and he still needed to add more food to his lunchbag. Chef started spooning some sauerkraut into a lunch container. And then - the bus came. When I told Chef the bus was here, Chef walked to the bathroom while I hurried to the front door and opened it. I'm having someone over today and sure didn't want the bus leaving and Chef staying home for the day! Chef walked out the door barefoot, in his pyjamas, carrying his clothes and his lunchbag. I reminded him he couldn't be outside barefoot - another eyeroll from Chef, but he stopped, put on his shoes, and went to the bus.
Today's lesson? Even though Chef doesn't have a problem with it on occasional weekends, don't suddenly change up the school morning by telling Chef he can be downstairs on his own for a bit before school, especially when he's been waking early! And mornings aren't the time for "feel-good" opportunities around food-sneaking!
Last night while dishwashing was taking forever because the dishes were being declared as "done" but showed evidence of not having been washed and had to be "re"washed, I considered setting up my camera to record on the kitchen table. I'd done this once in the past and thought I was being fairly brilliant with the idea. However, while the camera was calmly recording the kitchen happenings, I was nervous about leaving my camera there on its own for fear it might be "accidentally bumped" or encounter some similar fate; the concern was outweighing the benefits of recording. I also had absolutely no desire to sit and watch an evening of dragged-out dishwashing after Chef had gone to bed that evening. So last night I decided instead to check in occasionally by watching the reflection of the kitchen in a glassed picture frame in our living room. I've also done this in the past. I turned up the tv volume a bit then walked to where I could see the reflection. Chef didn't seem to notice whatsoever, and what I saw confirmed some of my wonderings. Chef wasn't actually washing dishes, but was doing the "dip, dip, and drainer" move or occasionally giving a dish one swipe with the dishcloth. I then stepped into the kitchen to watch. Chef glanced from the corner of his eye, continued singing, and started using the dishcloth to scrub all parts of the bowl in his hand. Aha! This provided reassurance for me in two areas. First, Chef is indeed still able to wash the dishes and still knows how to do so even on evenings when it is questionable as to why dishwashing is taking so long. Secondly, Chef wants to do what is right and is capable of doing what is right as long as he knows someone is with him or watching him. The latter might be a bit of a stretch seeing that the reassurance was coming from observing dishwashing, but it does seem to follow in pretty well every area of Chef's life. If someone is with him or he knows someone is watching him, he will almost always make good choices.
Dishes and 4am's and this morning aside, Chef seems to be in good spirits. He is taking responsibility for correcting himself when necessary, is generally accepting boundaries at home, and has generally just been pleasant to live with this week. He's been bringing artwork home and seems to be waiting for his hug when he hands me a painting or drawing. On Tuesday afternoon he just about bowled me over when he hugged me unexpectedly as I walked in the door from grocery shopping. Yesterday, he asked if he could give me a hug and actually snuggled in and gave a great squeeze with his arms. Very cool. And last weekend while packing for respite, Chef independently without any prompting at all announced that he needed to pack books because he gets bored of just playing video games and watching tv. And then he packed books! And his respite provider said he did a lot of reading over the weekend. This makes me smile.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tantrum
Thursday, October 7, 2010
It is the Thursday before Thanksgiving. Traditionally, Chef has often not done well with any kind of holiday/celebration. It's yet another change in routine, it's still the beginning of a new school year, he asks almost every day whether or not my daughter and granddaughter are going to be at our place or not and where they are. There always seems to be so much running under the surface for Chef.
On our way to the store today, Chef looked at me and said, "Oh, I have something for you. It's a hug. I haven't given you one in awhile." Then he hugged me.
Wow! THAT is a rarity.
While we were at the store, Chef talked about some things he'd like us to make on the weekend. Fantastic! Chef doesn't usually initiate conversations like that, plus there were some "planning ahead" pieces in that statement! Some of the items required flour. When I reminded Chef that some of those items might have to wait because he'd recently eaten the rice/potato flour, he said, "Ok." I asked him how he'd managed to eat flour just on its own and he said he hadn't - he'd mixed it with vanilla.
Chef had a good evening tonight. We ate supper around 6:30pm, he tossed in his laundry, did some dishes, talked about the painting he'd brought home for me yesterday, we talked about weekend possibilities - all in all, a really nice evening.
And then I saw it.
A link of sausage (about a foot long) from the freezer had found its way to the railing going upstairs. I commented that that looked odd and asked Chef what his plan had been.
"To eat it," he said.
"Is sneaking raw meat from the freezer and putting it in the railing the appropriate way to get food?"
"No."
"What would have been better?"
"To eat something else."
"And sneak it?"
"No. But the package says it's been cooked."
"Does that make it appropriate to take it from the freezer and try to sneak it upstairs?"
"No! But I was hungry!"
"We had supper not long ago. If you were still hungry wouldn't it be better to have more supper or to have an appropriate snack?"
"I want the sausage!!"
Chef's eyebrows went down. His arms crossed. His voice raised. And Chef was reminded that he could either take some time outside to calm down or show that he could be respectful inside. Chef slammed out the door. He had taken his dresser drawers outside awhile back because he had never used them as drawers (except for a few puzzle pieces in one and food hidden under some fabric in another) but was frequently opening then slamming them when something wasn't going his way. He and I had talked about using the drawers for plants on our deck next year. Tonight, 4 out of 6 of them were destroyed. Chef started by banging them up against the house and the door, then started taking them apart and using the wood to hack apart the other drawers. I found it interesting that when I came out to give him his med, he stopped what he was doing, opened his mouth for the med, swallowed, then opened his mouth again to show me he'd swallowed. When I turned and went back into the house, Chef went back to grumping, banging on the house, and destroying the drawers. I called the local crisis unit to have someone on the phone while this was happening. We stayed on the phone while Chef finished with the drawers and agreed to clean up the mess and use his tools (usually exercising, especially if he is outside; inside tools also include reading, art, etc.) to deal with his frustration/tantrumming. When I got off the phone, Chef came running in the house screaming that he couldn't stay outside because there was something scary, then pointed to a tiny kitten on the lawn. Chef has never shown any fear of kittens. I asked if the kitten had surprised him and he said, "Yes, and it shouldn't have done that! I can't be outside with a kitten!" I picked up the kitten. Chef continued his tantrumming and yelled that he wanted to come inside. I reminded Chef that I hadn't seen a turn-around yet and needed to see him put some effort into dealing with his tantrumming. Chef walked away, turned around, folded his arms across his chest, and made a face at me. I closed the door. Chef started kicking/banging against the house and the door, and ringing the doorbell repeatedly and swearing. I took the kitten to our back door and gave it some food on our deck, thinking it might stay there for a bit, then I went back into the house. Chef was still tantrumming out front though he would occasionally pause to stare at the house with arms folded across his chest and an angry expression on his face, but would then go back to the tantrum. He even spent time playing with the kitten, who'd returned to the front yard, and would then go back to tantrumming. I called the police so he would receive the message from someone else that it wasn't ok to do what he was doing. The neighbours also came out and talked with Chef, but he'd initially continued on with the banging/kicking/swearing until I came out and said that I'd call the police. Chef stopped immediately and leaned quietly against the wall with his hands folded in front of him. The police came, talked with him, laughed with him, did a few jumping jacks with him, had him apologize, offered him their business card, and told him to listen to his mom. After they left, Chef and I went into the house and Chef immediately started to say something to me using disrespectful tone but I interrupted him and told him he had a choice of starting all over again by taking it outside to deal with it or turning things around immediately. He then rolled his eyes and started to try to argue. I told him that the message he was giving me was that he wasn't yet finished tantrumming and asked if that was the message he wanted to give.
"No," was the reply. By now it was after 10pm (I'd found the sausage around 8'ish). I said goodnight to him and Chef stomped into his room. I called him and asked him again if he still had some frustration to deal with because that was the message he was giving by stomping away and not responding. He started to roll his eyes and I told him to look at my eyes and take the time to find his calm. I haven't done that in ages and wasn't sure if it would still be beneficial - but Chef's eyes met mine and there was a moment of quiet. I then repeated, "Goodnight, Sweetie. Hope you have a good sleep," and Chef calmly said goodnight and went to bed.
I was just telling someone this afternoon that Chef has come such a long way in his life, and that a lot of his attachment difficulties have been healing (not healed, but healing!) over the years. This evening's trigger was very obviously one that is not historically unfamiliar - when Chef has tried to sneak an item into his room or the bathroom and the item is discovered before he can eat it or use it, he becomes furious. I had discovered the length of sausage before it had made it into his room and before he had a chance to eat it.
Tomorrow I'm going to start a combination of support strategies regarding food and see if a combination might be more beneficial for Chef.
It is the Thursday before Thanksgiving. Traditionally, Chef has often not done well with any kind of holiday/celebration. It's yet another change in routine, it's still the beginning of a new school year, he asks almost every day whether or not my daughter and granddaughter are going to be at our place or not and where they are. There always seems to be so much running under the surface for Chef.
On our way to the store today, Chef looked at me and said, "Oh, I have something for you. It's a hug. I haven't given you one in awhile." Then he hugged me.
Wow! THAT is a rarity.
While we were at the store, Chef talked about some things he'd like us to make on the weekend. Fantastic! Chef doesn't usually initiate conversations like that, plus there were some "planning ahead" pieces in that statement! Some of the items required flour. When I reminded Chef that some of those items might have to wait because he'd recently eaten the rice/potato flour, he said, "Ok." I asked him how he'd managed to eat flour just on its own and he said he hadn't - he'd mixed it with vanilla.
Chef had a good evening tonight. We ate supper around 6:30pm, he tossed in his laundry, did some dishes, talked about the painting he'd brought home for me yesterday, we talked about weekend possibilities - all in all, a really nice evening.
And then I saw it.
A link of sausage (about a foot long) from the freezer had found its way to the railing going upstairs. I commented that that looked odd and asked Chef what his plan had been.
"To eat it," he said.
"Is sneaking raw meat from the freezer and putting it in the railing the appropriate way to get food?"
"No."
"What would have been better?"
"To eat something else."
"And sneak it?"
"No. But the package says it's been cooked."
"Does that make it appropriate to take it from the freezer and try to sneak it upstairs?"
"No! But I was hungry!"
"We had supper not long ago. If you were still hungry wouldn't it be better to have more supper or to have an appropriate snack?"
"I want the sausage!!"
Chef's eyebrows went down. His arms crossed. His voice raised. And Chef was reminded that he could either take some time outside to calm down or show that he could be respectful inside. Chef slammed out the door. He had taken his dresser drawers outside awhile back because he had never used them as drawers (except for a few puzzle pieces in one and food hidden under some fabric in another) but was frequently opening then slamming them when something wasn't going his way. He and I had talked about using the drawers for plants on our deck next year. Tonight, 4 out of 6 of them were destroyed. Chef started by banging them up against the house and the door, then started taking them apart and using the wood to hack apart the other drawers. I found it interesting that when I came out to give him his med, he stopped what he was doing, opened his mouth for the med, swallowed, then opened his mouth again to show me he'd swallowed. When I turned and went back into the house, Chef went back to grumping, banging on the house, and destroying the drawers. I called the local crisis unit to have someone on the phone while this was happening. We stayed on the phone while Chef finished with the drawers and agreed to clean up the mess and use his tools (usually exercising, especially if he is outside; inside tools also include reading, art, etc.) to deal with his frustration/tantrumming. When I got off the phone, Chef came running in the house screaming that he couldn't stay outside because there was something scary, then pointed to a tiny kitten on the lawn. Chef has never shown any fear of kittens. I asked if the kitten had surprised him and he said, "Yes, and it shouldn't have done that! I can't be outside with a kitten!" I picked up the kitten. Chef continued his tantrumming and yelled that he wanted to come inside. I reminded Chef that I hadn't seen a turn-around yet and needed to see him put some effort into dealing with his tantrumming. Chef walked away, turned around, folded his arms across his chest, and made a face at me. I closed the door. Chef started kicking/banging against the house and the door, and ringing the doorbell repeatedly and swearing. I took the kitten to our back door and gave it some food on our deck, thinking it might stay there for a bit, then I went back into the house. Chef was still tantrumming out front though he would occasionally pause to stare at the house with arms folded across his chest and an angry expression on his face, but would then go back to the tantrum. He even spent time playing with the kitten, who'd returned to the front yard, and would then go back to tantrumming. I called the police so he would receive the message from someone else that it wasn't ok to do what he was doing. The neighbours also came out and talked with Chef, but he'd initially continued on with the banging/kicking/swearing until I came out and said that I'd call the police. Chef stopped immediately and leaned quietly against the wall with his hands folded in front of him. The police came, talked with him, laughed with him, did a few jumping jacks with him, had him apologize, offered him their business card, and told him to listen to his mom. After they left, Chef and I went into the house and Chef immediately started to say something to me using disrespectful tone but I interrupted him and told him he had a choice of starting all over again by taking it outside to deal with it or turning things around immediately. He then rolled his eyes and started to try to argue. I told him that the message he was giving me was that he wasn't yet finished tantrumming and asked if that was the message he wanted to give.
"No," was the reply. By now it was after 10pm (I'd found the sausage around 8'ish). I said goodnight to him and Chef stomped into his room. I called him and asked him again if he still had some frustration to deal with because that was the message he was giving by stomping away and not responding. He started to roll his eyes and I told him to look at my eyes and take the time to find his calm. I haven't done that in ages and wasn't sure if it would still be beneficial - but Chef's eyes met mine and there was a moment of quiet. I then repeated, "Goodnight, Sweetie. Hope you have a good sleep," and Chef calmly said goodnight and went to bed.
I was just telling someone this afternoon that Chef has come such a long way in his life, and that a lot of his attachment difficulties have been healing (not healed, but healing!) over the years. This evening's trigger was very obviously one that is not historically unfamiliar - when Chef has tried to sneak an item into his room or the bathroom and the item is discovered before he can eat it or use it, he becomes furious. I had discovered the length of sausage before it had made it into his room and before he had a chance to eat it.
Tomorrow I'm going to start a combination of support strategies regarding food and see if a combination might be more beneficial for Chef.
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