Thursday, June 16, 2011
This past weekend was wonderful.
I needed to rent a car for an appointment (and when you rent for a Friday or Monday, it costs less to rent for the entire weekend on the weekend special than to rent for just the one day), so took a friend up on an invitation for a day of touring artists' studios up along the lake on Saturday. It was an altogether wonderful day.
On Friday, I told Chef that we'd be renting a car and going places on the weekend but wasn't sure exactly where yet, aside from running errands on Friday evening. He also knew his oldest niece was spending Friday evening with us which always is always a positive note.
On Saturday, Chef read and slept in the car, occasionally glancing out the window and commenting on a place where he'd been. When we stopped to pick up water, I let him run into the store on his own because I could park the car where I could see him, and reminded him to bring the receipt. He was back in short order and very excitedly reported that there were fresh samosas in the store. I gave him enough for two and he came back with his little paper bag, eager to eat them right away. Chef wandered throughout the various studios with my friend and me through the day, commenting on what he liked, and easily went off to talk with folks if he asked me a question and was redirected to ask the artist. Occasionally he moved into what I know as the beginning of his "baby'ish mode" which usually only happens when he is either with someone brand new (doesn't always happen with new folks, but when it does happen it is often around new folks) or happens in combination with something he is wanting; ice-cream, for example! Chef also has no qualms about asking people for something he wants when it comes to things like ice-cream or other items in the "treat" category, so sometimes there's a combination of outright asking and baby'ish mode. All in all, he definitely seemed to enjoy his day. There were the studios with all their colours, textures, pictures, shapes, etc., a lovely dog to pet, instruments to see and Viking horns to blow, chilli fries, ice-cream, the beach, the other beach. Oh yes, the beach. Chef remembered being at a stretch of beach further down the highway than where we were on Saturday, and very much wanted to go there to collect shells, evidenced by the questions/comments about the other beach and the great amount of shells there compared to the beaches we visited. Once he settled into just enjoying where he was, however, it didn't take long before Chef rolled up his pant legs and waded in, collected clay and stones and - yes! An occasional shell!
On Sunday, Chef got up and...well, I don't remember who made brunch nor what we had. But after brunch, Chef did dishes and put in his laundry and put his younger niece into time out for not listening to him about leaving the bottles in the door of the fridge. My daughter and I were quite surprised by this turn of events and were not completely unamused as we quietly watched Chef perfectly replicate all the timeout steps he has seen his sister and me use with his niece. A bit later, I went upstairs and left Chef to himself for a few minutes while he finished up in the kitchen then went out on the deck to play with his niece til we left for my sisters' place. When I came back downstairs, I sadly discovered that my backpack had been looted. There it is. That ol' "he's been doing so well with not stealing" misdirected radar. Chef does well for awhile with not stealing when I'm with him then I'm lulled into a sense that I can let down support in that area once in awhile and BAM! Stealing. I went into the kitchen to see if I could find where the money had been stashed and chatted with my daughter about how it sure didn't work when I left my backpack downstairs with an unsupervised Chef - and there it was! A $20 bill sitting on top of the fridge, nudged near the back. That still left some smaller money unaccounted for, but at least the 20 was found. Chef seemed to have a great time at my sisters' place. He had two mounding plates of supper followed by dessert (and showed his "poor me" expression when reminded that was enough), and spent the bulk of the visit otherwise playing video games with my niece and using her scooter outside (very nice, especially considering it wasn't that long ago when Chef would stay in his room when folks came to visit, and would refuse to do anything to get ready to come along when we were going to someone else's place, even family). When we came home, I told Chef he still needed to deal with his stealing. He made his confused look/scoffing sound and started with, "I didn't.." but stopped when I shook my head. He then went into "poor me" mode. I reminded him that he could either deal with it now or we would be continuing this discussion first thing in the morning and that's no way to start a day. "I took the money." "The whole story." "I took money from your backpack. It's on the fridge." "The rest of the money?" "I only took what's on the fridge." Since Chef has not been doing his regular chores consistently, nevermind doing any extra chores to earn money, he will lose his free time as well as his opportunity to earn money this week in order to pay back for the act of stealing. Now, the tricky part here is that one of Chef's goals in life has often/usually been to just be by himself in his room and to get out of chores. What I've found, however, is that if this is used routinely enough and Chef loses times with his niece in the evening, etc., it does make some degree of difference to him. There have been times when Chef purposely does something in hopes of being sent to his room for at-home respite, but it has a bit of a different impact if it is implemented otherwise. It's my opinion that Chef is growing in this area. It's a very slow growth and there are times when "one step forward, two steps back" is all too true, but it's almost like a life-dance - trying different steps, moving back to his comfort zone, finding his comfort zone being used differently and having to rethink that, finding comfort in moments outside his comfort zone, and slowly realizing that it does actually feel good to grow and experience dignity.
Showing posts with label stealing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stealing. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Friday, December 10, 2010
December 10, 2010
We have had a fairly peaceful week at home. Chores and "attitude" are being addressed even more firmly than before - and it's "working." The degree to which Chef must miss out on things/events/comfort, etc., before it matters to him enough to make a difference is pretty incredible.
Chef is presently missing out on his free time in the evenings because free time comes after chores and responsibilities have been taken care of. Chef has chosen not to put his laundry in for the past couple of weeks, and most of his clothes have once again "disappeared." The clothing piece truly is a mystery at this point, since Chef almost always has someone in the same room with him here at home now. The best I can figure is that he is still slipping things into nooks and crannies in the storage room where the washer and dryer also live and where he often is by himself with myself or Chef's sister in the next room. Another possibility is that he is once again sneaking them into the garbage bag right before taking the garbage out. On Monday, he had at least five pairs of socks in his room. Last night he informed me that he has none left and doesn't know where they are. I reminded him that I've been reminding him to put them into the hamper and that he's been taking them there. "Yes, but they aren't in there now and I don't know where they are."
Chef has $12 in allowance from the past few weeks. ($2.minimum per week, $8. maximum if he takes care of his chores/responsibilities, with numerous opportunities to earn money through other ways at home). In order to receive his allowance on Saturday, he has to have completed his chores and needs to have not tantrummed or "given attitude" on Friday and Saturday. Hopefully this weekend will see us over at the thrift shop so Chef can buy a bag of rags (to replace the ones he's gotten rid of in his ongoing attempt to not have to do any chores) and more socks and other clothing items to replace the ones that have recently "disappeared." Compared to previous years, he has come such a long way in learning/understanding/accepting the natural consequences of his choices, learning how to be a contributing member of his family/community/society as a whole, etc - if only the hygiene and willingness to do chores would come along as well! Tantrumming continues to be a work in progress. It is clear that Chef is not "out of control" during his tantrums. It seems as though Chef specifically chooses to use tantrums.
Some of the other bigger pieces in past years have been going to school/wanting to just be at home and not do anything, stealing, lying, and hoarding.
What's Made A Difference?
Willingness to Go to School:
-Supportive school staff
-Computer Use at school
-"Not At All Fun" theme at home on days Chef doesn't attend school when expected
Stealing:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef at home,at school,in the community
(if Chef is on his own and there is something he sees that he wants, it's his)
-Chef does a "self-check" as soon as he walks in the door from school
-I often (not always) watch Chef get off the bus and walk to the house to ensure
he is no longer stashing stolen goods in the yard before coming inside
-A lock on my bedroom door, money kept put away
-Stolen items removed immediately upon discovery, expected resitution
Hoarding:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef
-Chef also does "a self-check" before going upstairs at night, as well as one
when he returns to the main floor if he has been in the basement
-Regular room checks and careful kudos to Chef (because sometimes compliments go
the wrong way in Chef's mind) for any small successes
-Immediate removal and expected restitution for items
Lying:
-When Chef is caught in a lie, he is reminded that we are all a team and that
a team works together. He is expected to return to the person to whom he
has lied and be truthful.
Overall, Chef appears to be much happier and calmer, and have a growing sense of awareness and pride, as he experiences successes in these areas with the required supports. He seems to have a stronger understanding and acceptance of what is acceptable (what works) and not acceptable (what doesn't work) when it comes to how Chef interacts with his environment and the people around him. The hope is that a lot of the rote learning will be habitual by adulthood so Chef has a few less issues to deal with as an adult in the world.
Chef is presently missing out on his free time in the evenings because free time comes after chores and responsibilities have been taken care of. Chef has chosen not to put his laundry in for the past couple of weeks, and most of his clothes have once again "disappeared." The clothing piece truly is a mystery at this point, since Chef almost always has someone in the same room with him here at home now. The best I can figure is that he is still slipping things into nooks and crannies in the storage room where the washer and dryer also live and where he often is by himself with myself or Chef's sister in the next room. Another possibility is that he is once again sneaking them into the garbage bag right before taking the garbage out. On Monday, he had at least five pairs of socks in his room. Last night he informed me that he has none left and doesn't know where they are. I reminded him that I've been reminding him to put them into the hamper and that he's been taking them there. "Yes, but they aren't in there now and I don't know where they are."
Chef has $12 in allowance from the past few weeks. ($2.minimum per week, $8. maximum if he takes care of his chores/responsibilities, with numerous opportunities to earn money through other ways at home). In order to receive his allowance on Saturday, he has to have completed his chores and needs to have not tantrummed or "given attitude" on Friday and Saturday. Hopefully this weekend will see us over at the thrift shop so Chef can buy a bag of rags (to replace the ones he's gotten rid of in his ongoing attempt to not have to do any chores) and more socks and other clothing items to replace the ones that have recently "disappeared." Compared to previous years, he has come such a long way in learning/understanding/accepting the natural consequences of his choices, learning how to be a contributing member of his family/community/society as a whole, etc - if only the hygiene and willingness to do chores would come along as well! Tantrumming continues to be a work in progress. It is clear that Chef is not "out of control" during his tantrums. It seems as though Chef specifically chooses to use tantrums.
Some of the other bigger pieces in past years have been going to school/wanting to just be at home and not do anything, stealing, lying, and hoarding.
What's Made A Difference?
Willingness to Go to School:
-Supportive school staff
-Computer Use at school
-"Not At All Fun" theme at home on days Chef doesn't attend school when expected
Stealing:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef at home,at school,in the community
(if Chef is on his own and there is something he sees that he wants, it's his)
-Chef does a "self-check" as soon as he walks in the door from school
-I often (not always) watch Chef get off the bus and walk to the house to ensure
he is no longer stashing stolen goods in the yard before coming inside
-A lock on my bedroom door, money kept put away
-Stolen items removed immediately upon discovery, expected resitution
Hoarding:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef
-Chef also does "a self-check" before going upstairs at night, as well as one
when he returns to the main floor if he has been in the basement
-Regular room checks and careful kudos to Chef (because sometimes compliments go
the wrong way in Chef's mind) for any small successes
-Immediate removal and expected restitution for items
Lying:
-When Chef is caught in a lie, he is reminded that we are all a team and that
a team works together. He is expected to return to the person to whom he
has lied and be truthful.
Overall, Chef appears to be much happier and calmer, and have a growing sense of awareness and pride, as he experiences successes in these areas with the required supports. He seems to have a stronger understanding and acceptance of what is acceptable (what works) and not acceptable (what doesn't work) when it comes to how Chef interacts with his environment and the people around him. The hope is that a lot of the rote learning will be habitual by adulthood so Chef has a few less issues to deal with as an adult in the world.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
December 9, 2010
Wow.
Something is happening.
Chef made his bed.
I don't mean that in the typical, "Oh my word, my teenager made his bed!" way.
Those of you who know us know that Chef has gone through numerous mattresses. They usually start to meet their demise through Chef's need to pull at threads/lint/fluff/anything small really. Once a tiny hole exists, it usually must be poked and prodded until it's a larger hole at which point it usually then becomes a tuck-away place for other string/thread/fluff/anything small really. Historically, the mattress eventually turns into something akin to a large pocket/backpack in which to store various items while the mattress itself is being slowly (though sometimes quickly) taken apart. Parallel to this part of the mattress's adventure, it is usually being christened with various bodily outputs including but not limited to urine, blood, etc., etc., etc. The mattress eventually ends its adventure by being disposed of for sanitary reasons or being increasingly dismantled by Chef.
There have been many times when Chef has spent many nights sleeping on his bedroom floor when he was younger, stating that he was more comfortable. When he was very young, he used to say his bed was too high. His most recent bed was a low bed. He still often slept on the floor, sometimes on top of his vent. Other times, he could be seen sleeping partly under his bed with a stack of heavy books over his vent. Sometimes he slept in his bed.
With the complete destruction of his bed a few weeks back, Chef has been sleeping on his floor. We've kept the coil frame up against a wall in his room in case we came up with an idea for an "indestructible" mattress/cover of some sort. Chef initially stated again that he wanted to sleep on the floor anyway. As a mom, it's been very difficult to see your child making certain choices, and for me this has been one of them. But with strong support from other team members, I've managed to just accept it.
So - I've been using even firmer boundaries with Chef lately. Any slight hint whatsoever of any type of "attitude" - every single solitary little teensy hint of anything inappropriate - is met with the reminder that Chef can choose to be appropriate or take himself outside to do something physical. There is no second chance or warning when it comes to showing "attitude" while doing a chore. Anything that appears to be passive-aggressive in nature is also met with the same response. So far it's been lots of "Take it outside" from me - and lots of agreement and seeming shift in "attitude" from Chef! There have been a couple of very minor and very short-lived pepperings of whining or foghorning, but Chef seems to be accepting the fact that additional issues outside just keep him outside longer. I am hoping this will "work well enough" to break some of Chef's chore-resistance habits before the temps start dropping too low.
The other thing I'm doing is having Chef start his chores before supper. Chef used to come home carrying every issue that bothered him at school, and we sometimes spent entire evenings or more dealing with those issues. That all ended when I started having Chef take a rest as soon as he gets home from school. When he walks in the door, we only have a very brief "how was your day" check-in then Chef heads off to his room. There are times when Chef sleeps close to two hours! Other times, I can hear him snoring for a bit then he's just quiet in his room for awhile before coming downstairs. We've basically carved out a two-hour timeframe for after-school resting; a margin which alleviated the after-school issues. As soon as Chef was up, we would either start supper or eat supper then Chef would spend the rest of the many evenings not doing a chore. As of this week, Chef is to do a chore before supper. Supper time comes when it's suppertime, not when Chef is ready. If Chef is still doing his chore when it is suppertime, then that's how he's chosing to spend his suppertime. This never would have "worked" awhile back, but this week it seems to be sinking in with Chef that it's time to take this all seriously. On Tuesday, we needed to run a quick errand after school and Chef was reminded again that he needed to remove certain inappropriate items from his room when we got home. He said he didn't want to. I told him that I wasn't asking whether he wanted to and that I already understood that he didn't want to, but he still needed to remove the items. He was given an extra hour after rest-time to do this, even though it wouldn't have taken more than 5-10 minutes to accomplish if he went slowly. When the hour was up, I called Chef downstairs without saying anything about his room. He asked if he could make supper. I told him I'd already eaten. Chef looked surprised. I reminded him that he still needed to get the dishes done from the day before and that, since he was still on Monday's chores, he wasn't ready to start Tuesday evening yet, and that his supper wouldn't be waiting for him until he decided to be ready to eat. I told him he had 20 minutes to finish up the dishes that he left from Monday and that he could choose to get them done in the 20 minutes or start using his eating time. 20 minutes later, Chef was sent outside to find his willingness to do the dishes. Since he showed good attitude outside, he was called in less than a minute later and informed that he had another five minutes to either finish the dishes or go back outside, keeping in mind that he was now using his suppertime which would be over in a few minutes. I do not believe in withholding food, etc., but I do believe in allowing Chef to learn that his use of time defines some of his choices. Chef suddenly took this very seriously and got the dishes "done" then ate and spent the rest of the evening in his room.
WHEN HE CAME DOWNSTAIRS WEDNESDAY MORNING - he was carrying the inappropriate items with him that he'd removed from his room!!! On Wednesday after school, Chef had his usual rest-time in his room, then came down and was informed that I'd checked the dishes and most of them had received the "dip dip dry" treatment so he was still on Tuesday's chore and wasn't ready to start his Wednesday afternoon yet. He was outside twice but showed very good attitude outside immediately so was only outside very briefly then came in and (are you sitting down?) actually WASHED the dishes!! They were clean!! He had a few blips around wiping a counter and the stove, but the dishes themselve were clean. Chef ate and spent the evening in his room. (Free time activities happen when Chef has completed chores without taking forever/giving attitude/pretending to do the chore/etc.) When Chef went up to his room, I immediately heard a banging sound so I called him down. He said he had sat down on his bed. I pointed out it sounded much louder than a "sit" and he responded with definite grump. Out he went. When he came back in, he told me he'd made his bed during rest-time. I'm sure I blinked a few times. "You made your bed?" "Yeah, I put my bedding on it." "Well, that is awesome! Let's see!" Chef and I went into his room and I couldn't believe my eyes. There were only a couple small balls of string/whatnot on his floor and no other bits of paper or chunks of mattress foam or anything else! He had moved his furniture around! The piano keyboard was sitting nicely on the bench instead of leaning on its side in the corner of the room. And his bed had bedding on it!! "Wow! What brought this on?" "I don't know. I just wanted a better room and I got tired of sleeping on the floor." "You mean you slept on the coils?" "Yeah. It felt better on my back." "So are you thinking you'd like to replace your mattress or just leave your room as it is now?" "Yeah, I'm hoping to get another mattress." "Hoping? Is it just going to happen?" "No, I meant I'm going to get another mattress when I have enough money." We then talked about what was left on Chef's list that he had to repay to others for stealing, what items he needed to replace, and how he had much less "debt" owing to other people this year than any other year at this time. Needless to say, I told him I was very proud of him.
Mornings this week have seen a change as well. Historically, Chef has waited til the last minute to get ready for school. We started to see a change in this when his bus driver one year told him he wouldn't wait for him anymore and I told him that if he missed the bus he would stay home and do chores because school is his work and if he's not at school working when he's supposed to be, then he's working at home. There were some changes here and there with that plan, but it obviously made things more tricky at home. This year, he has a driver that waits patiently for him. Chef is in no rush at all this year til he sees the bus arrive. He usually doesn't eat breakfast or put on clean clothes or wash or brush his teeth or use deodorant, etc., etc., regardless of reminders, incentives, smell, possible discomfort, hunger, etc. He recently has been getting up on time again and independently doing exercises, but getting ready? There are all sorts of subcategories to the "getting ready for school" mornings. This week, new plan. Chef gets up later and goes out to wait for the bus. I put his lunch (that he's made) outside for him and he can either choose to take it or leave it. This provides a quiet morning for myself, my daughter, and my grandchild. I'll do this for the rest of this week then see whether Chef initiates some sort of discussion or desired shift. I am thinking that if he doesn't, what I might do is do alternating weeks of "immediately outside" mornings then a week of alternating days ("immediately outside" on Monday, opportunity to have a morning inside to get ready, etc) and return to really really playing up the breakfast foods again. Maybe enough of the "inside is really nice and so are tasty breakfasts" mornings will someday override the "I don't want to do anything" mornings.
Something is happening.
Chef made his bed.
I don't mean that in the typical, "Oh my word, my teenager made his bed!" way.
Those of you who know us know that Chef has gone through numerous mattresses. They usually start to meet their demise through Chef's need to pull at threads/lint/fluff/anything small really. Once a tiny hole exists, it usually must be poked and prodded until it's a larger hole at which point it usually then becomes a tuck-away place for other string/thread/fluff/anything small really. Historically, the mattress eventually turns into something akin to a large pocket/backpack in which to store various items while the mattress itself is being slowly (though sometimes quickly) taken apart. Parallel to this part of the mattress's adventure, it is usually being christened with various bodily outputs including but not limited to urine, blood, etc., etc., etc. The mattress eventually ends its adventure by being disposed of for sanitary reasons or being increasingly dismantled by Chef.
There have been many times when Chef has spent many nights sleeping on his bedroom floor when he was younger, stating that he was more comfortable. When he was very young, he used to say his bed was too high. His most recent bed was a low bed. He still often slept on the floor, sometimes on top of his vent. Other times, he could be seen sleeping partly under his bed with a stack of heavy books over his vent. Sometimes he slept in his bed.
With the complete destruction of his bed a few weeks back, Chef has been sleeping on his floor. We've kept the coil frame up against a wall in his room in case we came up with an idea for an "indestructible" mattress/cover of some sort. Chef initially stated again that he wanted to sleep on the floor anyway. As a mom, it's been very difficult to see your child making certain choices, and for me this has been one of them. But with strong support from other team members, I've managed to just accept it.
So - I've been using even firmer boundaries with Chef lately. Any slight hint whatsoever of any type of "attitude" - every single solitary little teensy hint of anything inappropriate - is met with the reminder that Chef can choose to be appropriate or take himself outside to do something physical. There is no second chance or warning when it comes to showing "attitude" while doing a chore. Anything that appears to be passive-aggressive in nature is also met with the same response. So far it's been lots of "Take it outside" from me - and lots of agreement and seeming shift in "attitude" from Chef! There have been a couple of very minor and very short-lived pepperings of whining or foghorning, but Chef seems to be accepting the fact that additional issues outside just keep him outside longer. I am hoping this will "work well enough" to break some of Chef's chore-resistance habits before the temps start dropping too low.
The other thing I'm doing is having Chef start his chores before supper. Chef used to come home carrying every issue that bothered him at school, and we sometimes spent entire evenings or more dealing with those issues. That all ended when I started having Chef take a rest as soon as he gets home from school. When he walks in the door, we only have a very brief "how was your day" check-in then Chef heads off to his room. There are times when Chef sleeps close to two hours! Other times, I can hear him snoring for a bit then he's just quiet in his room for awhile before coming downstairs. We've basically carved out a two-hour timeframe for after-school resting; a margin which alleviated the after-school issues. As soon as Chef was up, we would either start supper or eat supper then Chef would spend the rest of the many evenings not doing a chore. As of this week, Chef is to do a chore before supper. Supper time comes when it's suppertime, not when Chef is ready. If Chef is still doing his chore when it is suppertime, then that's how he's chosing to spend his suppertime. This never would have "worked" awhile back, but this week it seems to be sinking in with Chef that it's time to take this all seriously. On Tuesday, we needed to run a quick errand after school and Chef was reminded again that he needed to remove certain inappropriate items from his room when we got home. He said he didn't want to. I told him that I wasn't asking whether he wanted to and that I already understood that he didn't want to, but he still needed to remove the items. He was given an extra hour after rest-time to do this, even though it wouldn't have taken more than 5-10 minutes to accomplish if he went slowly. When the hour was up, I called Chef downstairs without saying anything about his room. He asked if he could make supper. I told him I'd already eaten. Chef looked surprised. I reminded him that he still needed to get the dishes done from the day before and that, since he was still on Monday's chores, he wasn't ready to start Tuesday evening yet, and that his supper wouldn't be waiting for him until he decided to be ready to eat. I told him he had 20 minutes to finish up the dishes that he left from Monday and that he could choose to get them done in the 20 minutes or start using his eating time. 20 minutes later, Chef was sent outside to find his willingness to do the dishes. Since he showed good attitude outside, he was called in less than a minute later and informed that he had another five minutes to either finish the dishes or go back outside, keeping in mind that he was now using his suppertime which would be over in a few minutes. I do not believe in withholding food, etc., but I do believe in allowing Chef to learn that his use of time defines some of his choices. Chef suddenly took this very seriously and got the dishes "done" then ate and spent the rest of the evening in his room.
WHEN HE CAME DOWNSTAIRS WEDNESDAY MORNING - he was carrying the inappropriate items with him that he'd removed from his room!!! On Wednesday after school, Chef had his usual rest-time in his room, then came down and was informed that I'd checked the dishes and most of them had received the "dip dip dry" treatment so he was still on Tuesday's chore and wasn't ready to start his Wednesday afternoon yet. He was outside twice but showed very good attitude outside immediately so was only outside very briefly then came in and (are you sitting down?) actually WASHED the dishes!! They were clean!! He had a few blips around wiping a counter and the stove, but the dishes themselve were clean. Chef ate and spent the evening in his room. (Free time activities happen when Chef has completed chores without taking forever/giving attitude/pretending to do the chore/etc.) When Chef went up to his room, I immediately heard a banging sound so I called him down. He said he had sat down on his bed. I pointed out it sounded much louder than a "sit" and he responded with definite grump. Out he went. When he came back in, he told me he'd made his bed during rest-time. I'm sure I blinked a few times. "You made your bed?" "Yeah, I put my bedding on it." "Well, that is awesome! Let's see!" Chef and I went into his room and I couldn't believe my eyes. There were only a couple small balls of string/whatnot on his floor and no other bits of paper or chunks of mattress foam or anything else! He had moved his furniture around! The piano keyboard was sitting nicely on the bench instead of leaning on its side in the corner of the room. And his bed had bedding on it!! "Wow! What brought this on?" "I don't know. I just wanted a better room and I got tired of sleeping on the floor." "You mean you slept on the coils?" "Yeah. It felt better on my back." "So are you thinking you'd like to replace your mattress or just leave your room as it is now?" "Yeah, I'm hoping to get another mattress." "Hoping? Is it just going to happen?" "No, I meant I'm going to get another mattress when I have enough money." We then talked about what was left on Chef's list that he had to repay to others for stealing, what items he needed to replace, and how he had much less "debt" owing to other people this year than any other year at this time. Needless to say, I told him I was very proud of him.
Mornings this week have seen a change as well. Historically, Chef has waited til the last minute to get ready for school. We started to see a change in this when his bus driver one year told him he wouldn't wait for him anymore and I told him that if he missed the bus he would stay home and do chores because school is his work and if he's not at school working when he's supposed to be, then he's working at home. There were some changes here and there with that plan, but it obviously made things more tricky at home. This year, he has a driver that waits patiently for him. Chef is in no rush at all this year til he sees the bus arrive. He usually doesn't eat breakfast or put on clean clothes or wash or brush his teeth or use deodorant, etc., etc., regardless of reminders, incentives, smell, possible discomfort, hunger, etc. He recently has been getting up on time again and independently doing exercises, but getting ready? There are all sorts of subcategories to the "getting ready for school" mornings. This week, new plan. Chef gets up later and goes out to wait for the bus. I put his lunch (that he's made) outside for him and he can either choose to take it or leave it. This provides a quiet morning for myself, my daughter, and my grandchild. I'll do this for the rest of this week then see whether Chef initiates some sort of discussion or desired shift. I am thinking that if he doesn't, what I might do is do alternating weeks of "immediately outside" mornings then a week of alternating days ("immediately outside" on Monday, opportunity to have a morning inside to get ready, etc) and return to really really playing up the breakfast foods again. Maybe enough of the "inside is really nice and so are tasty breakfasts" mornings will someday override the "I don't want to do anything" mornings.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
December 5, 2010
Part B
There wasn't a sound from Chef's room until around 9:30 this morning. A few minutes later, I was in the washroom and heard Chef's door open then close. I left the washroom quietly and peeked in his room. No Chef. I walked downstairs and saw him quickly disappearing around a corner. I walked through the kitchen and into the living to find Chef just starting to duck down between the china cabinet and loveseat. He was wearing only socks and had a blanket wrapped around him (he has gone through/gotten rid of numerous pairs of pajamas). I told him to go back up to his room, followed him upstairs, and told him to get dressed. A few minutes later, I told him it was time for a room check because I didn't know if he'd been sneaking downstairs other times during the night. He made an angry face and grumped at me. I reminded him that he was the one who was breaking rules and when he gets caught breaking a rule, it is not ok to take that out on someone else. He grumped again. I told him he could fix his grump or take it outside. He went outside and immediately did some jumping jacks and I called him in a couple of minutes later after I'd checked his room. There were the usual disturbing items but nothing out of the ordinary. Chef came inside in good space. I asked him to return to his room and to sing so I would know that he was in his room. He is presently singing in his room without issue while I'm doing up this morning's blog entry.
It would be great if Chef participates in school-lunch prep today. He hasn't at all for the past few weekends. When he doesn't participate at all, I don't either. That leaves Chef having to prepare his school lunch the night before or in the mornings. He's been leaving it til mornings, then just grabbing an apple or an apple and some crackers or occasionally some leftovers. He hasn't had consistently good school lunches for two weeks now because of his weekend choices. I wonder if he's tired enough of that to make a change and do some lunch prep today.
***UPDATE: After a late lunch today, Chef shovelled the neighbours' front porch (very small) and made a pathway to the parking lot, then came in and independently made his school lunches without issue. He offered to make supper ("to help make up for how I acted today") and was reminded that he gladly could but he would still need to do weekend chores (two household chores - he is also technically supposed to be doing extra chores to pay back for stolen/damaged items, etc., but is behind just on his regular day-to-day stuff at this point). Chef cooked liver, mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables for supper. It was great. When it was time for dishes, Chef moved very quickly and had the kitchen finished up in about 20 minutes. When I checked the dishes, they weren't clean (I don't mean in a "teenager not cleaning dishes" way or that there were a few missed spots, etc. There were lots of food bits, etc. ) It was great that the usual dragging out of the chore hadn't accompanied the "not cleaning" but it was very clear that Chef again hadn't made an effort to actually wash the dishes. There were no rags for Chef to clean the little washroom downstairs because he's gotten rid of the rags and we weren't over at the thrift shop so he could replace them because he was tantrumming on Saturday. It's all a chain. At this point, I really do believe that it is mostly all a ploy to do whatever it takes to get out of chores. I've suspected that over the years when it came to some things; as time goes on, I'm more convinced. I could be wrong. I realize chores involve a lot of steps and some planning, which is why Chef has written helps to use (which he doesn't use, but he no longer whines, etc., when reminded of using helps), but sneaking through the house to take stuff also requires steps and planning. Repeatedly throwing hard snow/ice at windows also requires steps and planning, evidenced by Chef taking the time to find the "right" pieces and tossing unworthy pieces onto the ground. Independently making his own school lunches requires far more steps and planning, yet Chef is very successful in that area when he makes his lunches on the weekends, and very successful when independently cooking meals otherwise as well.
And so, the chore saga continues...
There wasn't a sound from Chef's room until around 9:30 this morning. A few minutes later, I was in the washroom and heard Chef's door open then close. I left the washroom quietly and peeked in his room. No Chef. I walked downstairs and saw him quickly disappearing around a corner. I walked through the kitchen and into the living to find Chef just starting to duck down between the china cabinet and loveseat. He was wearing only socks and had a blanket wrapped around him (he has gone through/gotten rid of numerous pairs of pajamas). I told him to go back up to his room, followed him upstairs, and told him to get dressed. A few minutes later, I told him it was time for a room check because I didn't know if he'd been sneaking downstairs other times during the night. He made an angry face and grumped at me. I reminded him that he was the one who was breaking rules and when he gets caught breaking a rule, it is not ok to take that out on someone else. He grumped again. I told him he could fix his grump or take it outside. He went outside and immediately did some jumping jacks and I called him in a couple of minutes later after I'd checked his room. There were the usual disturbing items but nothing out of the ordinary. Chef came inside in good space. I asked him to return to his room and to sing so I would know that he was in his room. He is presently singing in his room without issue while I'm doing up this morning's blog entry.
It would be great if Chef participates in school-lunch prep today. He hasn't at all for the past few weekends. When he doesn't participate at all, I don't either. That leaves Chef having to prepare his school lunch the night before or in the mornings. He's been leaving it til mornings, then just grabbing an apple or an apple and some crackers or occasionally some leftovers. He hasn't had consistently good school lunches for two weeks now because of his weekend choices. I wonder if he's tired enough of that to make a change and do some lunch prep today.
***UPDATE: After a late lunch today, Chef shovelled the neighbours' front porch (very small) and made a pathway to the parking lot, then came in and independently made his school lunches without issue. He offered to make supper ("to help make up for how I acted today") and was reminded that he gladly could but he would still need to do weekend chores (two household chores - he is also technically supposed to be doing extra chores to pay back for stolen/damaged items, etc., but is behind just on his regular day-to-day stuff at this point). Chef cooked liver, mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables for supper. It was great. When it was time for dishes, Chef moved very quickly and had the kitchen finished up in about 20 minutes. When I checked the dishes, they weren't clean (I don't mean in a "teenager not cleaning dishes" way or that there were a few missed spots, etc. There were lots of food bits, etc. ) It was great that the usual dragging out of the chore hadn't accompanied the "not cleaning" but it was very clear that Chef again hadn't made an effort to actually wash the dishes. There were no rags for Chef to clean the little washroom downstairs because he's gotten rid of the rags and we weren't over at the thrift shop so he could replace them because he was tantrumming on Saturday. It's all a chain. At this point, I really do believe that it is mostly all a ploy to do whatever it takes to get out of chores. I've suspected that over the years when it came to some things; as time goes on, I'm more convinced. I could be wrong. I realize chores involve a lot of steps and some planning, which is why Chef has written helps to use (which he doesn't use, but he no longer whines, etc., when reminded of using helps), but sneaking through the house to take stuff also requires steps and planning. Repeatedly throwing hard snow/ice at windows also requires steps and planning, evidenced by Chef taking the time to find the "right" pieces and tossing unworthy pieces onto the ground. Independently making his own school lunches requires far more steps and planning, yet Chef is very successful in that area when he makes his lunches on the weekends, and very successful when independently cooking meals otherwise as well.
And so, the chore saga continues...
December 5, 2010
Part A
The past few weekends have all had tantrums. Wait, there was one tantrum-free weekend that took place right after Chef's appointment with his mental health worker and "new" psychiatriast. Chef had stated after the appointment that he was embarassed by what had been discussed during the appointment. That weekend, there were no tantrums. There was the usual not wanting to do chores, etc., but no tantrums. That was new. Usually, after appointments in which concerns are discussed, Chef displays his feelings disrespectfully.
That was a few weekends ago, and there has been a tantrum every weekend since. All the tantrums have been chore/responsibility-related or stealing-related. Chef hates chores or anything that he deems to resemble a chore, and Chef becomes angry if something he has stolen has not been used by him prior to the item being discovered missing. Otherwise, things are going quite well. At this point, all tantrums are redirected to outside of our home because Chef has been destructive inside our home in the past.
Last weekend, we were enjoying a very pleasant weekend together - until around 1pm on Saturday when I discovered $20. was missing from my wallet(which I thought I had hidden well enough, but obviously hadn't). It was about four hours before Chef stopped behaving inappropriately and close to another hour before he admitted that he'd taken the money and hidden it. He tried explaining to me that he needs money to have like other kids. I agreed. I also reminded him that other kids don't spend weeks on end trying to avoid doing a chore, and that they do what they can to earn money rather than stealing it. I asked if he needed me to remind him of the allowance/money-earning system in our home. "No, it's ok," was the reply. On Sunday morning, Chef didn't come out of his room til just before noon and was still showing anger about the money. He was reminded that he could use his anger management tools/activities to help himself feel better and turn things around, or he could take himself outside. He stormed out of the house and started repeatedly kicking the door and ringing the doorbell and raging for just over an hour. Thankfully, the neighbour and I had already arranged for Chef to be at her place Sunday afternoon from 1pm til bedtime. When I opened the door and told Chef he could head over to the neighbours', he stopped, yelled that he was hungry, and that he didn't want to go to the neighbours' place. I agreed that I would be hungry too if I'd spent my lunchtime tanrumming instead of eating. A few minutes later he went over to the neighbours' house. A few days later, he told me he's never tantrumming again because he didn't like having to suddeny go to the neighbours' house. I didn't respond to the comment.
This past Thursday evening, Chef and I went with friends to a Christmas party at an art gallery. The staff were instructing folks on how to make origami ornaments to decorate the gallery's gigantic tree. Chef dove in with enthusiasm. Origami is one of his interests and he is very skilled at picking it up quickly. When he is shown something to make from paper, he will initially make quite a few. If he runs out of paper, he'll just rip some to the necessary sizes to make more. I've been amazed at how tiny some of his cranes have been. Once the novelty wears off, he doesn't do origami again until someone other than me does more and then he's back into making beautiful pieces again. On Thursday, Chef learned how to make an origami Christmas ball and an origami pop-star, and made quite a few for the gallery's tree then brought some home and has been making a few pop-stars since. When I encouraged him to show some of the folks at school how to make then, he said he wasn't going to show anyone at school. I have a sense we'll have a nice number of them to hang in our home for the season though.
On Friday, Chef informed me that there were no rags (again) to do any chores, and he'd already taken close to an hour in the kitchen without having actually washed any dishes. I hadn't been feeling well since Thursday night, and just sent Chef to bed early on Friday. Chef was up at 6am doing exercises on Saturday morning. From my room, I called to Chef to go back in his room til later because it was too early to be doing exercises on a Saturday. Chef went back to his room. At 7am, Chef was out in the hallway doing exercises again. I told Chef he needed to wait until I was up before starting his day. Chef said, "OK" and returned to his room. I was up around 9, but there was no sound from Chef's room until just after 11am, at which point there was banging. When I knocked on his bedroom door, there was no answer. My second knock was met with a loud banging in Chef's room. I opened the door to see Chef sitting on his floor wearing just a shirt and banging his heel against the floor with an angry look on his face. I told him he needed to use his tools and behave appropriately or take himself outside. He looked down at his feet and banged again. I told him to take it outside. Chef stood up, put on a pair of pants and socks, walked down the stairs, put on his outerwear, went outside, then immediately started yelling that he was cold. I opened the door and told him this was his one reminder to work off his anger and then he could come in, that doing something physical would warm him up, and that the sooner he shows he's being appropriate, the sooner he'd be inside. Chef continued to yell and make "foghorn" sounds. He continued yelling and "foghorning" for awhile, then started picking up snow and throwing it at the house. A few minutes later, he started throwing small balls of hard snow at the door, then the window, then would quietly look for large chunks of hard snow and/or ice and hurl them at the window. I wasn't too concerned at that point because he was far enough away that it wasn't making an impact and I figured he'd quickly tire of the physical energy required. Wrong. He was shortly seeking out large chunks of the hard stuff and coming closer to the house to hurl them at the window and at the neighbours' window. I called the police and explained the situation, and that my son needed the message from them that this was not appropriate. I had the blinds closed at a certain angle that allowed me to see out if I stood in a certain place. Chef would scan the living room window, then step back and look up at my bedroom window and hurl snow then look at the living room window again or at the neighbours' house. I saw that after my son would throw at the neighbours' window, he'd then grin and laugh as he turned to pick up more snow. When he'd throw at our window, he'd yell and "foghorn." I called the neighbour to let them know that the police were on their way. When the police arrived, my son told them that he was angry because he knew he had to do exercises. Needless to say, I informed the officers that he usually does an exercise program on his own every morning and that I hadn't allowed him to exercise as early as he'd wanted that morning. I also mentioned Chef's "do anything to get out of chores at all cost" way of thinking and the steps that needed to happen before Chef could come back into the house. I also informed the officers that Chef's usually employed the yelling of, "I'm hungry!" when tantrumming outside if he has tantrummed through a mealtime and missed his meal. The officers were very clear with Chef about the importance of listening to his Mom, and directed him to start doing some physical exercise. They also informed him that if he'd broken either of the windows, they'd be cuffing him and taking him to the youth detention center where he'd have to stay in a tiny room by himself and would only be allowed out for meals and a short break each day. (Unfortunately, that information has never been much of a deterrent for Chef, even when his mental health worker talked with him about it when he was around 8 or so. Chef has stated in the past that he'd like to be able to just sit and do nothing all day.) I informed the officers that the last time I'd called in officers, Chef had started up again as soon as they'd left and that Chef needed to know that we were all on the same page about what would then happen. The officers talked with Chef more about being appropriate and stated that they would be returning to deal with him again if he continued once they left. They stayed and talked with me a few minutes while Chef got into a jumping jacks groove and seemed to be turning things around. I thanked them, they left, Chef continued exercising, and a friend of mine came over to hang out in the house for awhile so Chef would be more willing to get his chores done. Chef came in appropriately and started cleaning up the kitchen appropriately. Then began a few "games" here and there; flitzing dirt from the kitchen doormat out into the living room, removing his dirty sock from his foot to use as a rag because he'd gotten rid of the rags so he wouldn't have to do chores, pretending to be cleaning the bathroom upstairs while we were downstairs but instead going into my bedroom, which I had mistakenly left unlocked, and removing items then hiding them in the bathroom for later retrieval, etc. Chef lied about being in my bedroom and made an angry face. Back outside to deal, but this time he immediately did some exercises. When I asked him if he was ready to come inside and be appropriate and honest, he asked if my friend was still there. I asked him again if he was ready to come inside and be appropriate and honest. He angrily asked if my friend was still there. I closed the door. Chef turned to face the house, pulled his toque over his head, and started foghorning while jumping - then started losing his balance, stopped, put his hat on properly, turned around, and did jumping jacks. A few minutes later, Chef was honest about what items he'd taken from my room and where he'd put them, and started dishes. He finished dishes just before 6pm, had supper, and went to his room. Chores finshed so far this weekend: dishes. Sort of. I still need to weed out the ones that received the "dip,dip,dry" treatment. Chores started: floors.
The past few weekends have all had tantrums. Wait, there was one tantrum-free weekend that took place right after Chef's appointment with his mental health worker and "new" psychiatriast. Chef had stated after the appointment that he was embarassed by what had been discussed during the appointment. That weekend, there were no tantrums. There was the usual not wanting to do chores, etc., but no tantrums. That was new. Usually, after appointments in which concerns are discussed, Chef displays his feelings disrespectfully.
That was a few weekends ago, and there has been a tantrum every weekend since. All the tantrums have been chore/responsibility-related or stealing-related. Chef hates chores or anything that he deems to resemble a chore, and Chef becomes angry if something he has stolen has not been used by him prior to the item being discovered missing. Otherwise, things are going quite well. At this point, all tantrums are redirected to outside of our home because Chef has been destructive inside our home in the past.
Last weekend, we were enjoying a very pleasant weekend together - until around 1pm on Saturday when I discovered $20. was missing from my wallet(which I thought I had hidden well enough, but obviously hadn't). It was about four hours before Chef stopped behaving inappropriately and close to another hour before he admitted that he'd taken the money and hidden it. He tried explaining to me that he needs money to have like other kids. I agreed. I also reminded him that other kids don't spend weeks on end trying to avoid doing a chore, and that they do what they can to earn money rather than stealing it. I asked if he needed me to remind him of the allowance/money-earning system in our home. "No, it's ok," was the reply. On Sunday morning, Chef didn't come out of his room til just before noon and was still showing anger about the money. He was reminded that he could use his anger management tools/activities to help himself feel better and turn things around, or he could take himself outside. He stormed out of the house and started repeatedly kicking the door and ringing the doorbell and raging for just over an hour. Thankfully, the neighbour and I had already arranged for Chef to be at her place Sunday afternoon from 1pm til bedtime. When I opened the door and told Chef he could head over to the neighbours', he stopped, yelled that he was hungry, and that he didn't want to go to the neighbours' place. I agreed that I would be hungry too if I'd spent my lunchtime tanrumming instead of eating. A few minutes later he went over to the neighbours' house. A few days later, he told me he's never tantrumming again because he didn't like having to suddeny go to the neighbours' house. I didn't respond to the comment.
This past Thursday evening, Chef and I went with friends to a Christmas party at an art gallery. The staff were instructing folks on how to make origami ornaments to decorate the gallery's gigantic tree. Chef dove in with enthusiasm. Origami is one of his interests and he is very skilled at picking it up quickly. When he is shown something to make from paper, he will initially make quite a few. If he runs out of paper, he'll just rip some to the necessary sizes to make more. I've been amazed at how tiny some of his cranes have been. Once the novelty wears off, he doesn't do origami again until someone other than me does more and then he's back into making beautiful pieces again. On Thursday, Chef learned how to make an origami Christmas ball and an origami pop-star, and made quite a few for the gallery's tree then brought some home and has been making a few pop-stars since. When I encouraged him to show some of the folks at school how to make then, he said he wasn't going to show anyone at school. I have a sense we'll have a nice number of them to hang in our home for the season though.
On Friday, Chef informed me that there were no rags (again) to do any chores, and he'd already taken close to an hour in the kitchen without having actually washed any dishes. I hadn't been feeling well since Thursday night, and just sent Chef to bed early on Friday. Chef was up at 6am doing exercises on Saturday morning. From my room, I called to Chef to go back in his room til later because it was too early to be doing exercises on a Saturday. Chef went back to his room. At 7am, Chef was out in the hallway doing exercises again. I told Chef he needed to wait until I was up before starting his day. Chef said, "OK" and returned to his room. I was up around 9, but there was no sound from Chef's room until just after 11am, at which point there was banging. When I knocked on his bedroom door, there was no answer. My second knock was met with a loud banging in Chef's room. I opened the door to see Chef sitting on his floor wearing just a shirt and banging his heel against the floor with an angry look on his face. I told him he needed to use his tools and behave appropriately or take himself outside. He looked down at his feet and banged again. I told him to take it outside. Chef stood up, put on a pair of pants and socks, walked down the stairs, put on his outerwear, went outside, then immediately started yelling that he was cold. I opened the door and told him this was his one reminder to work off his anger and then he could come in, that doing something physical would warm him up, and that the sooner he shows he's being appropriate, the sooner he'd be inside. Chef continued to yell and make "foghorn" sounds. He continued yelling and "foghorning" for awhile, then started picking up snow and throwing it at the house. A few minutes later, he started throwing small balls of hard snow at the door, then the window, then would quietly look for large chunks of hard snow and/or ice and hurl them at the window. I wasn't too concerned at that point because he was far enough away that it wasn't making an impact and I figured he'd quickly tire of the physical energy required. Wrong. He was shortly seeking out large chunks of the hard stuff and coming closer to the house to hurl them at the window and at the neighbours' window. I called the police and explained the situation, and that my son needed the message from them that this was not appropriate. I had the blinds closed at a certain angle that allowed me to see out if I stood in a certain place. Chef would scan the living room window, then step back and look up at my bedroom window and hurl snow then look at the living room window again or at the neighbours' house. I saw that after my son would throw at the neighbours' window, he'd then grin and laugh as he turned to pick up more snow. When he'd throw at our window, he'd yell and "foghorn." I called the neighbour to let them know that the police were on their way. When the police arrived, my son told them that he was angry because he knew he had to do exercises. Needless to say, I informed the officers that he usually does an exercise program on his own every morning and that I hadn't allowed him to exercise as early as he'd wanted that morning. I also mentioned Chef's "do anything to get out of chores at all cost" way of thinking and the steps that needed to happen before Chef could come back into the house. I also informed the officers that Chef's usually employed the yelling of, "I'm hungry!" when tantrumming outside if he has tantrummed through a mealtime and missed his meal. The officers were very clear with Chef about the importance of listening to his Mom, and directed him to start doing some physical exercise. They also informed him that if he'd broken either of the windows, they'd be cuffing him and taking him to the youth detention center where he'd have to stay in a tiny room by himself and would only be allowed out for meals and a short break each day. (Unfortunately, that information has never been much of a deterrent for Chef, even when his mental health worker talked with him about it when he was around 8 or so. Chef has stated in the past that he'd like to be able to just sit and do nothing all day.) I informed the officers that the last time I'd called in officers, Chef had started up again as soon as they'd left and that Chef needed to know that we were all on the same page about what would then happen. The officers talked with Chef more about being appropriate and stated that they would be returning to deal with him again if he continued once they left. They stayed and talked with me a few minutes while Chef got into a jumping jacks groove and seemed to be turning things around. I thanked them, they left, Chef continued exercising, and a friend of mine came over to hang out in the house for awhile so Chef would be more willing to get his chores done. Chef came in appropriately and started cleaning up the kitchen appropriately. Then began a few "games" here and there; flitzing dirt from the kitchen doormat out into the living room, removing his dirty sock from his foot to use as a rag because he'd gotten rid of the rags so he wouldn't have to do chores, pretending to be cleaning the bathroom upstairs while we were downstairs but instead going into my bedroom, which I had mistakenly left unlocked, and removing items then hiding them in the bathroom for later retrieval, etc. Chef lied about being in my bedroom and made an angry face. Back outside to deal, but this time he immediately did some exercises. When I asked him if he was ready to come inside and be appropriate and honest, he asked if my friend was still there. I asked him again if he was ready to come inside and be appropriate and honest. He angrily asked if my friend was still there. I closed the door. Chef turned to face the house, pulled his toque over his head, and started foghorning while jumping - then started losing his balance, stopped, put his hat on properly, turned around, and did jumping jacks. A few minutes later, Chef was honest about what items he'd taken from my room and where he'd put them, and started dishes. He finished dishes just before 6pm, had supper, and went to his room. Chores finshed so far this weekend: dishes. Sort of. I still need to weed out the ones that received the "dip,dip,dry" treatment. Chores started: floors.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Candy Bars, Books, and Tantrums
Monday, November 1, 2010
Yesterday was not fun at our house. It started out ok'ish though. Given the overload of sugar in his system, I gave Chef extra time to sleep in in the morning. When he got up he wanted to make brunch (one of my favourite parts of a weekend!) and did up fried eggs and fried potatoes. We watched part of a video while we ate brunch, then Chef independently started doing chores. About five minutes later, Chef announced that he couldn't clean the bathroom because he only had one rag and that was in the laundry. "Where are the other rags?" "I don't know. I got rid of them" "How do you plan on cleaning the bathroom then?" "I guess I'll have to wait til the laundry's done" "That's not going to work." "(angry whining and escalating body language) Well, what am I supposed to do if I don't have rags??" "First, you can take the whining outside and deal with it there and not bring it back inside." Chef stormed out, stood outside for a few minutes, did some jumping jacks, came back inside when I motioned him in, and did the lunch dishes. While he had been outside, I'd noticed that more of my books were missing from my bookcase. After finishing up the lunch dishes, Chef came into the living room and said he didn't know what to do because he had to wait for the rag that was in the washer. I said that we also needed to discuss the matter of other books missing from the bookcase. Chef immediately stormed, angrily stating that he hadn't taken any books. I told him he could take himself back outside until he was ready to communicate appropriately. Chef tantrummed outside for an hour and a half. When he appeared appropriate and calm for awhile, I invited him back inside. I asked him if he was ready to communicate appropriately. "Yes." "Good, because at some point we'll need to talk about the books." "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T TAKE ANY BOOKS!!" "Back outside til you're ready to communicate appropriately." Chef stormed outside and started throwing pine cones at the house, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly ringing the doorbell, repeatedly kicking the door, banging his head against the living room window and making faces at me then screaming when I would leave the living room, yelling that he was cold, etc., etc. Chef tantrummed for at least an hour and a half that time. Once he was able to be back inside, Chef stated that he'd been taking books on his way out the door to school in the morning and hiding them in his lunchbag. Most mornings, Chef runs out the door at the last minute, and I am at the door with him then watching him from the front window til the bus arrives. Lately, however, I have not been right at the door when he comes in after school. The bookcase is right by the door and Chef wouldn't be hard-pressed to be able to slip out a book and stash it in the closet to take somewhere later on. If I am downstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check before going upstairs (he usually goes upstairs for a rest after school); if I am upstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check when he gets upstairs. We've stopped doing checks for each time Chef goes upstairs otherwise, but it seems to be time to start doing that again. Chef says sometimes he'll say he's going to clean the front entrance (about 5'x5') then hide something in the closet or in his niece's stroller then take it upstairs or stash it outside later.
Chef didn't bring up his laundry from the dryer yesterday. This morning he said he doesn't know where any of his socks are that were just purchased last weekend; I know they were in the hamper, but Chef said they weren't in the laundry room when he took the hamper downstairs. His runners had needed washing on the weekend and he was reminded three times in less than half an hour to put his runners into the washer. That didn't happen; he washed them outside instead. I asked him if he'd forgotten that he's tried that before and it doesn't work. He did work on his lunches last night without issue and actually agreed to take more in his lunches, including a dessert I made for him! This is highly unusual. I'm very thankful he was at that point yesterday. This morning, I packed his lunch into a large, clear tupperware container so it's easy for his school support staff to see what's inside with hopes that it will minimize some of Chef's stealing/stashing attempts. When the bus pulled up, Chef had only been starting to get ready the last few minutes beforehand and was not at all ready to go - though he had actually eaten part of a breakfast! He walked out to the bus barefoot, wearing pyjamas, carrying sandals, his lunch, his jacket (the one that he's kept in the storage room since I bought it for him in summer; it finally got promoted to being brought upstairs and being used!) and a wrinkled outfit he'd pulled out of the dryer. He didn't give his lunch to the driver, and often hasn't been, which usually translates into him eating it on the bus.
I'm a little tuckered out today; actually, a little more than a little.
Yesterday was not fun at our house. It started out ok'ish though. Given the overload of sugar in his system, I gave Chef extra time to sleep in in the morning. When he got up he wanted to make brunch (one of my favourite parts of a weekend!) and did up fried eggs and fried potatoes. We watched part of a video while we ate brunch, then Chef independently started doing chores. About five minutes later, Chef announced that he couldn't clean the bathroom because he only had one rag and that was in the laundry. "Where are the other rags?" "I don't know. I got rid of them" "How do you plan on cleaning the bathroom then?" "I guess I'll have to wait til the laundry's done" "That's not going to work." "(angry whining and escalating body language) Well, what am I supposed to do if I don't have rags??" "First, you can take the whining outside and deal with it there and not bring it back inside." Chef stormed out, stood outside for a few minutes, did some jumping jacks, came back inside when I motioned him in, and did the lunch dishes. While he had been outside, I'd noticed that more of my books were missing from my bookcase. After finishing up the lunch dishes, Chef came into the living room and said he didn't know what to do because he had to wait for the rag that was in the washer. I said that we also needed to discuss the matter of other books missing from the bookcase. Chef immediately stormed, angrily stating that he hadn't taken any books. I told him he could take himself back outside until he was ready to communicate appropriately. Chef tantrummed outside for an hour and a half. When he appeared appropriate and calm for awhile, I invited him back inside. I asked him if he was ready to communicate appropriately. "Yes." "Good, because at some point we'll need to talk about the books." "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T TAKE ANY BOOKS!!" "Back outside til you're ready to communicate appropriately." Chef stormed outside and started throwing pine cones at the house, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly ringing the doorbell, repeatedly kicking the door, banging his head against the living room window and making faces at me then screaming when I would leave the living room, yelling that he was cold, etc., etc. Chef tantrummed for at least an hour and a half that time. Once he was able to be back inside, Chef stated that he'd been taking books on his way out the door to school in the morning and hiding them in his lunchbag. Most mornings, Chef runs out the door at the last minute, and I am at the door with him then watching him from the front window til the bus arrives. Lately, however, I have not been right at the door when he comes in after school. The bookcase is right by the door and Chef wouldn't be hard-pressed to be able to slip out a book and stash it in the closet to take somewhere later on. If I am downstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check before going upstairs (he usually goes upstairs for a rest after school); if I am upstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check when he gets upstairs. We've stopped doing checks for each time Chef goes upstairs otherwise, but it seems to be time to start doing that again. Chef says sometimes he'll say he's going to clean the front entrance (about 5'x5') then hide something in the closet or in his niece's stroller then take it upstairs or stash it outside later.
Chef didn't bring up his laundry from the dryer yesterday. This morning he said he doesn't know where any of his socks are that were just purchased last weekend; I know they were in the hamper, but Chef said they weren't in the laundry room when he took the hamper downstairs. His runners had needed washing on the weekend and he was reminded three times in less than half an hour to put his runners into the washer. That didn't happen; he washed them outside instead. I asked him if he'd forgotten that he's tried that before and it doesn't work. He did work on his lunches last night without issue and actually agreed to take more in his lunches, including a dessert I made for him! This is highly unusual. I'm very thankful he was at that point yesterday. This morning, I packed his lunch into a large, clear tupperware container so it's easy for his school support staff to see what's inside with hopes that it will minimize some of Chef's stealing/stashing attempts. When the bus pulled up, Chef had only been starting to get ready the last few minutes beforehand and was not at all ready to go - though he had actually eaten part of a breakfast! He walked out to the bus barefoot, wearing pyjamas, carrying sandals, his lunch, his jacket (the one that he's kept in the storage room since I bought it for him in summer; it finally got promoted to being brought upstairs and being used!) and a wrinkled outfit he'd pulled out of the dryer. He didn't give his lunch to the driver, and often hasn't been, which usually translates into him eating it on the bus.
I'm a little tuckered out today; actually, a little more than a little.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Balance
I've often said, if it weren't for times of issue around school (sensory stressors around bright lights and hallways and crowds and noise, etc., having to get ready in the morning, etc) and chores and lying and stealing and hygiene and responsibility, everything would be fine.
I'm sure many of us have seen someone walk in the door at the end of the day and dump their backpack on the floor or toss their briefcase onto a chair, then flop down on the couch with an exaggerated exhale and a non-relaxed look on their face. They've held it together all day through thick and thin, then they come home and need a place to just relax.
For Chef, frustrations and anxieties are almost always reserved just for home. This is where he can dump everything and know that he will be supported in continuing to learn to dump appropriately. Chef also knows that there is an expectation here for him to continue to learn to use the tools he's been given and trained to use when it comes to anger/stress management. And he also knows that he will be continue to be supported in continued learning and growing to become a contributing member of his family and community.
And unlike the person who can walk in their door and flop then exhale and vent a bit then move on with their evening, Chef's anxieties and frustrations are sometimes delayed or skewed and are communicated through other "behaviours" either in response to something or as a prelude to something he's anticipating.
Aside from all those times (which can sometimes take up the bulk of an entire day or evening or even weekend if there have been issues), Chef and I have a lot of nice moments (good talks while walking, "Mom, would you like some tea?", good talks when driving somewhere, enjoying nature walks, "Mom, there's something over here you could take a picture of", watching videos together, "Yes, Mom", etc., etc., etc.) When Chef is in good space and not in the midst of dealing with issues/behaviours/ consquences, etc., it really is very pleasant being Chef's Mom.
I'm sure many of us have seen someone walk in the door at the end of the day and dump their backpack on the floor or toss their briefcase onto a chair, then flop down on the couch with an exaggerated exhale and a non-relaxed look on their face. They've held it together all day through thick and thin, then they come home and need a place to just relax.
For Chef, frustrations and anxieties are almost always reserved just for home. This is where he can dump everything and know that he will be supported in continuing to learn to dump appropriately. Chef also knows that there is an expectation here for him to continue to learn to use the tools he's been given and trained to use when it comes to anger/stress management. And he also knows that he will be continue to be supported in continued learning and growing to become a contributing member of his family and community.
And unlike the person who can walk in their door and flop then exhale and vent a bit then move on with their evening, Chef's anxieties and frustrations are sometimes delayed or skewed and are communicated through other "behaviours" either in response to something or as a prelude to something he's anticipating.
Aside from all those times (which can sometimes take up the bulk of an entire day or evening or even weekend if there have been issues), Chef and I have a lot of nice moments (good talks while walking, "Mom, would you like some tea?", good talks when driving somewhere, enjoying nature walks, "Mom, there's something over here you could take a picture of", watching videos together, "Yes, Mom", etc., etc., etc.) When Chef is in good space and not in the midst of dealing with issues/behaviours/ consquences, etc., it really is very pleasant being Chef's Mom.
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