Exams,Pizza,Dishes,Deck

June 20, 2011

Chef slept just over 2 hours when he came home from school today, then read for a bit ("Their Majesties and Other Folks"). We had a late supper, celebrating his last day of school/exams with a pizza. As soon as he finished eating, Chef said he was going to do the dishes. Excellent! There were dishes from yesterday and a couple of plates/cups from today, but no more than one load of dishes plus one load of pots/pans. 45 minutes later I went into the kitchen and found Chef sliding a very greasy, very wet pan into the drawer under the oven. Not so excellent. He was angry as soon as he was discovered before I even said anything. It's been a long weekend for both of us, and I imagine Chef is feeling as weary as I am and probably moreso. I told him that ONLY because he had written exams today and it was the last day of school, he could choose to finish up the dishes and have the rest of the evening free or he could just relax in his room for awhile then have an early night. Chef calmly said ok and walked nicely up the stairs. About half an hour later I went up to check on him. I suggested he open his window at least a crack for a little bit to air out his room. Chef said ok and when he slid his window open, I noticed something fall/flutter. I walked over to the window and glanced out. There on the deck were a couple of paper airplanes. "Ok, c'mon. Let's go down so you can clean up your stuff on the deck." Chef nicely walked down the stairs and out to the deck, picked up one paper airplane, and started walking towards the garbage. I reminded him he needed to pick up each piece, including the spitballs scattered around the deck. Chef grumped and attempted arguing, and was reminded that tossing things out his window was not a good plan. Once he was finished cleaning up outside, we went back into the house and Chef was asked to bring down the art folder from school (he's kept it in his room since January!) he'd been ripping up as airplane/spitball fodder. He brought it downstairs and threw it out. I asked him what would have worked better tonight. This was met with tone. I pointed out the front window. Chef nicely walked outside and stomped the ground then did some jumping jacks. I asked him through the open window if he was ready to talk without tone and he said and showed that he was. I asked him if it had worked to toss stuff out his window.
"No."
"Does it feel good to always be doing things that cause problems for you?"
"I'm tired of everyone talking to me all the time about what I do."
"If you hadn't tossed paper out your window, would anyone have had to talk with you about it?"
"No."
"If you hadn't tried putting away the wet, greasy pan, would anyone have had to talk with you about it?"
"No. I'm just tired of everyone talking to me all the time."
"Ok, so what would have been the easy way to have less talking?"
"To not do that stuff."
"Yep."

And with that, Chef took his meds (for the first time in weeks!) without issue and went to bed. A few minutes later, I asked him how far he'd read in his book earlier.
"Page 30, I think. I really like that one."
"Wow. I bet you'll be almost finished by bedtime tomorrow. Hey, I didn't see your hackey-sack on the kitchen counter. Does that mean you put it away somewhere?"
"I put it on the cupboard thingy. And I put my money thingy there too" (I'd dropped a quarter on the weekend. Chef picked it up and handed it back to me, so I let him keep the quarter as part of the ongoing plan to help Chef realize that there are feel-goods and other benefits to being a positive family member, and as part of the ongoing "surprise" reward system)
"Well, tomorrow let's find a better place for it."
"Ok."
"Goodnight sweetie."
"Night Mom."

December 10, 2010 evening

After school today, Chef and I immediately went out to do some errands. Chef waited for me on the deck and did some exercises while he waited, then we headed over to the thrift shop so he could pick up some rags and some new boots. We bought his most recent pair last month and he has worn them for two or three weeks; the backs are ripped open and, because Chef is in his "no hygiene mode" and not usually wearing socks, they're smelling ripe enough to be noticed by school staff. A couple of years back, a local store was closing down and were selling hiking boots for $3/pair. I bought nine pairs and, if I remember correctly, Chef went through seven of them that year.

While we were walking around town, Chef and I chatted about school and Christmas preparations. Chef has been able to take a digital publishing course that is for students one grade higher than he is, and that is his shining star this term. He was thrilled that he could take the course, and has been thrilled with the actual course itself. Chef has been saving all his digital publishing creations in his room; no small feat for a young man who is drawn to make a piece of paper into tiny bits of paper. He has them all laid out nicely on his dresser. This is the very first time in his life, at least to my memory, that he has ever taken care of something this long without getting rid of it or taking it apart. I have never seen Chef take such pride in anything else that he's created.

We haven't eaten out for a very long, so I decided we'd stop in at a local cafe where two can dine on well-prepared, homemade food for less than $12. Chef was immediately reading all papers he could get his hands on, and was soon describing to me a number of health-food catalogue items along with their prices. Interspersed with this information was a description of the level Chef has achieved in a fantastic computer game he plays at school which simulates life goals such as career, finances, relationships, etc., and how to achieve them. Chef is playing brilliantly, and shared with me how he knows it's good to have a credit rating but not good to use credit cards, the importance of paying his bills and saving for what he wants, etc. Chef feels very successful in his virtual life. He has four diplomas and is now working on his virtual BA which he has already paid off. He is considering a virtual future in IT. When I told him that is probably a good consideration for him after high school as well, he said he didn't know what IT was. I asked what it was in the game he plays. "I don't know. I just know that they make pretty good money."

Chef and I talked about what food we'd like to make for Christmas day and throughout the holidays. Chef was very very focussed on bananas and had some difficulty moving from that topic, but we came up with a good list of possibilities.

When we came home, Chef immediately and quickly did the dishes and finished his laundry without any prompting whatsoever! He still has the floor to sweep tomorrow, then we'll be back at the thrift shop so Chef can pick up some clothes and socks to replace the ones that have recently disappeared, then we're off to the local art center for an afternoon of painting. I'm hoping tomorrow is a tantrum-free day.

December 10, 2010

We have had a fairly peaceful week at home. Chores and "attitude" are being addressed even more firmly than before - and it's "working." The degree to which Chef must miss out on things/events/comfort, etc., before it matters to him enough to make a difference is pretty incredible.

Chef is presently missing out on his free time in the evenings because free time comes after chores and responsibilities have been taken care of. Chef has chosen not to put his laundry in for the past couple of weeks, and most of his clothes have once again "disappeared." The clothing piece truly is a mystery at this point, since Chef almost always has someone in the same room with him here at home now. The best I can figure is that he is still slipping things into nooks and crannies in the storage room where the washer and dryer also live and where he often is by himself with myself or Chef's sister in the next room. Another possibility is that he is once again sneaking them into the garbage bag right before taking the garbage out. On Monday, he had at least five pairs of socks in his room. Last night he informed me that he has none left and doesn't know where they are. I reminded him that I've been reminding him to put them into the hamper and that he's been taking them there. "Yes, but they aren't in there now and I don't know where they are."

Chef has $12 in allowance from the past few weeks. ($2.minimum per week, $8. maximum if he takes care of his chores/responsibilities, with numerous opportunities to earn money through other ways at home). In order to receive his allowance on Saturday, he has to have completed his chores and needs to have not tantrummed or "given attitude" on Friday and Saturday. Hopefully this weekend will see us over at the thrift shop so Chef can buy a bag of rags (to replace the ones he's gotten rid of in his ongoing attempt to not have to do any chores) and more socks and other clothing items to replace the ones that have recently "disappeared." Compared to previous years, he has come such a long way in learning/understanding/accepting the natural consequences of his choices, learning how to be a contributing member of his family/community/society as a whole, etc - if only the hygiene and willingness to do chores would come along as well! Tantrumming continues to be a work in progress. It is clear that Chef is not "out of control" during his tantrums. It seems as though Chef specifically chooses to use tantrums.

Some of the other bigger pieces in past years have been going to school/wanting to just be at home and not do anything, stealing, lying, and hoarding.

What's Made A Difference?

Willingness to Go to School:
-Supportive school staff
-Computer Use at school
-"Not At All Fun" theme at home on days Chef doesn't attend school when expected

Stealing:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef at home,at school,in the community
(if Chef is on his own and there is something he sees that he wants, it's his)
-Chef does a "self-check" as soon as he walks in the door from school
-I often (not always) watch Chef get off the bus and walk to the house to ensure
he is no longer stashing stolen goods in the yard before coming inside
-A lock on my bedroom door, money kept put away
-Stolen items removed immediately upon discovery, expected resitution

Hoarding:
-Having an adult supportively velcroed to Chef
-Chef also does "a self-check" before going upstairs at night, as well as one
when he returns to the main floor if he has been in the basement
-Regular room checks and careful kudos to Chef (because sometimes compliments go
the wrong way in Chef's mind) for any small successes
-Immediate removal and expected restitution for items

Lying:
-When Chef is caught in a lie, he is reminded that we are all a team and that
a team works together. He is expected to return to the person to whom he
has lied and be truthful.

Overall, Chef appears to be much happier and calmer, and have a growing sense of awareness and pride, as he experiences successes in these areas with the required supports. He seems to have a stronger understanding and acceptance of what is acceptable (what works) and not acceptable (what doesn't work) when it comes to how Chef interacts with his environment and the people around him. The hope is that a lot of the rote learning will be habitual by adulthood so Chef has a few less issues to deal with as an adult in the world.

December 9, 2010

Wow.

Something is happening.

Chef made his bed.

I don't mean that in the typical, "Oh my word, my teenager made his bed!" way.

Those of you who know us know that Chef has gone through numerous mattresses. They usually start to meet their demise through Chef's need to pull at threads/lint/fluff/anything small really. Once a tiny hole exists, it usually must be poked and prodded until it's a larger hole at which point it usually then becomes a tuck-away place for other string/thread/fluff/anything small really. Historically, the mattress eventually turns into something akin to a large pocket/backpack in which to store various items while the mattress itself is being slowly (though sometimes quickly) taken apart. Parallel to this part of the mattress's adventure, it is usually being christened with various bodily outputs including but not limited to urine, blood, etc., etc., etc. The mattress eventually ends its adventure by being disposed of for sanitary reasons or being increasingly dismantled by Chef.

There have been many times when Chef has spent many nights sleeping on his bedroom floor when he was younger, stating that he was more comfortable. When he was very young, he used to say his bed was too high. His most recent bed was a low bed. He still often slept on the floor, sometimes on top of his vent. Other times, he could be seen sleeping partly under his bed with a stack of heavy books over his vent. Sometimes he slept in his bed.

With the complete destruction of his bed a few weeks back, Chef has been sleeping on his floor. We've kept the coil frame up against a wall in his room in case we came up with an idea for an "indestructible" mattress/cover of some sort. Chef initially stated again that he wanted to sleep on the floor anyway. As a mom, it's been very difficult to see your child making certain choices, and for me this has been one of them. But with strong support from other team members, I've managed to just accept it.

So - I've been using even firmer boundaries with Chef lately. Any slight hint whatsoever of any type of "attitude" - every single solitary little teensy hint of anything inappropriate - is met with the reminder that Chef can choose to be appropriate or take himself outside to do something physical. There is no second chance or warning when it comes to showing "attitude" while doing a chore. Anything that appears to be passive-aggressive in nature is also met with the same response. So far it's been lots of "Take it outside" from me - and lots of agreement and seeming shift in "attitude" from Chef! There have been a couple of very minor and very short-lived pepperings of whining or foghorning, but Chef seems to be accepting the fact that additional issues outside just keep him outside longer. I am hoping this will "work well enough" to break some of Chef's chore-resistance habits before the temps start dropping too low.

The other thing I'm doing is having Chef start his chores before supper. Chef used to come home carrying every issue that bothered him at school, and we sometimes spent entire evenings or more dealing with those issues. That all ended when I started having Chef take a rest as soon as he gets home from school. When he walks in the door, we only have a very brief "how was your day" check-in then Chef heads off to his room. There are times when Chef sleeps close to two hours! Other times, I can hear him snoring for a bit then he's just quiet in his room for awhile before coming downstairs. We've basically carved out a two-hour timeframe for after-school resting; a margin which alleviated the after-school issues. As soon as Chef was up, we would either start supper or eat supper then Chef would spend the rest of the many evenings not doing a chore. As of this week, Chef is to do a chore before supper. Supper time comes when it's suppertime, not when Chef is ready. If Chef is still doing his chore when it is suppertime, then that's how he's chosing to spend his suppertime. This never would have "worked" awhile back, but this week it seems to be sinking in with Chef that it's time to take this all seriously. On Tuesday, we needed to run a quick errand after school and Chef was reminded again that he needed to remove certain inappropriate items from his room when we got home. He said he didn't want to. I told him that I wasn't asking whether he wanted to and that I already understood that he didn't want to, but he still needed to remove the items. He was given an extra hour after rest-time to do this, even though it wouldn't have taken more than 5-10 minutes to accomplish if he went slowly. When the hour was up, I called Chef downstairs without saying anything about his room. He asked if he could make supper. I told him I'd already eaten. Chef looked surprised. I reminded him that he still needed to get the dishes done from the day before and that, since he was still on Monday's chores, he wasn't ready to start Tuesday evening yet, and that his supper wouldn't be waiting for him until he decided to be ready to eat. I told him he had 20 minutes to finish up the dishes that he left from Monday and that he could choose to get them done in the 20 minutes or start using his eating time. 20 minutes later, Chef was sent outside to find his willingness to do the dishes. Since he showed good attitude outside, he was called in less than a minute later and informed that he had another five minutes to either finish the dishes or go back outside, keeping in mind that he was now using his suppertime which would be over in a few minutes. I do not believe in withholding food, etc., but I do believe in allowing Chef to learn that his use of time defines some of his choices. Chef suddenly took this very seriously and got the dishes "done" then ate and spent the rest of the evening in his room.

WHEN HE CAME DOWNSTAIRS WEDNESDAY MORNING - he was carrying the inappropriate items with him that he'd removed from his room!!! On Wednesday after school, Chef had his usual rest-time in his room, then came down and was informed that I'd checked the dishes and most of them had received the "dip dip dry" treatment so he was still on Tuesday's chore and wasn't ready to start his Wednesday afternoon yet. He was outside twice but showed very good attitude outside immediately so was only outside very briefly then came in and (are you sitting down?) actually WASHED the dishes!! They were clean!! He had a few blips around wiping a counter and the stove, but the dishes themselve were clean. Chef ate and spent the evening in his room. (Free time activities happen when Chef has completed chores without taking forever/giving attitude/pretending to do the chore/etc.) When Chef went up to his room, I immediately heard a banging sound so I called him down. He said he had sat down on his bed. I pointed out it sounded much louder than a "sit" and he responded with definite grump. Out he went. When he came back in, he told me he'd made his bed during rest-time. I'm sure I blinked a few times. "You made your bed?" "Yeah, I put my bedding on it." "Well, that is awesome! Let's see!" Chef and I went into his room and I couldn't believe my eyes. There were only a couple small balls of string/whatnot on his floor and no other bits of paper or chunks of mattress foam or anything else! He had moved his furniture around! The piano keyboard was sitting nicely on the bench instead of leaning on its side in the corner of the room. And his bed had bedding on it!! "Wow! What brought this on?" "I don't know. I just wanted a better room and I got tired of sleeping on the floor." "You mean you slept on the coils?" "Yeah. It felt better on my back." "So are you thinking you'd like to replace your mattress or just leave your room as it is now?" "Yeah, I'm hoping to get another mattress." "Hoping? Is it just going to happen?" "No, I meant I'm going to get another mattress when I have enough money." We then talked about what was left on Chef's list that he had to repay to others for stealing, what items he needed to replace, and how he had much less "debt" owing to other people this year than any other year at this time. Needless to say, I told him I was very proud of him.

Mornings this week have seen a change as well. Historically, Chef has waited til the last minute to get ready for school. We started to see a change in this when his bus driver one year told him he wouldn't wait for him anymore and I told him that if he missed the bus he would stay home and do chores because school is his work and if he's not at school working when he's supposed to be, then he's working at home. There were some changes here and there with that plan, but it obviously made things more tricky at home. This year, he has a driver that waits patiently for him. Chef is in no rush at all this year til he sees the bus arrive. He usually doesn't eat breakfast or put on clean clothes or wash or brush his teeth or use deodorant, etc., etc., regardless of reminders, incentives, smell, possible discomfort, hunger, etc. He recently has been getting up on time again and independently doing exercises, but getting ready? There are all sorts of subcategories to the "getting ready for school" mornings. This week, new plan. Chef gets up later and goes out to wait for the bus. I put his lunch (that he's made) outside for him and he can either choose to take it or leave it. This provides a quiet morning for myself, my daughter, and my grandchild. I'll do this for the rest of this week then see whether Chef initiates some sort of discussion or desired shift. I am thinking that if he doesn't, what I might do is do alternating weeks of "immediately outside" mornings then a week of alternating days ("immediately outside" on Monday, opportunity to have a morning inside to get ready, etc) and return to really really playing up the breakfast foods again. Maybe enough of the "inside is really nice and so are tasty breakfasts" mornings will someday override the "I don't want to do anything" mornings.

December 5, 2010

Part B

There wasn't a sound from Chef's room until around 9:30 this morning. A few minutes later, I was in the washroom and heard Chef's door open then close. I left the washroom quietly and peeked in his room. No Chef. I walked downstairs and saw him quickly disappearing around a corner. I walked through the kitchen and into the living to find Chef just starting to duck down between the china cabinet and loveseat. He was wearing only socks and had a blanket wrapped around him (he has gone through/gotten rid of numerous pairs of pajamas). I told him to go back up to his room, followed him upstairs, and told him to get dressed. A few minutes later, I told him it was time for a room check because I didn't know if he'd been sneaking downstairs other times during the night. He made an angry face and grumped at me. I reminded him that he was the one who was breaking rules and when he gets caught breaking a rule, it is not ok to take that out on someone else. He grumped again. I told him he could fix his grump or take it outside. He went outside and immediately did some jumping jacks and I called him in a couple of minutes later after I'd checked his room. There were the usual disturbing items but nothing out of the ordinary. Chef came inside in good space. I asked him to return to his room and to sing so I would know that he was in his room. He is presently singing in his room without issue while I'm doing up this morning's blog entry.

It would be great if Chef participates in school-lunch prep today. He hasn't at all for the past few weekends. When he doesn't participate at all, I don't either. That leaves Chef having to prepare his school lunch the night before or in the mornings. He's been leaving it til mornings, then just grabbing an apple or an apple and some crackers or occasionally some leftovers. He hasn't had consistently good school lunches for two weeks now because of his weekend choices. I wonder if he's tired enough of that to make a change and do some lunch prep today.

***UPDATE: After a late lunch today, Chef shovelled the neighbours' front porch (very small) and made a pathway to the parking lot, then came in and independently made his school lunches without issue. He offered to make supper ("to help make up for how I acted today") and was reminded that he gladly could but he would still need to do weekend chores (two household chores - he is also technically supposed to be doing extra chores to pay back for stolen/damaged items, etc., but is behind just on his regular day-to-day stuff at this point). Chef cooked liver, mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables for supper. It was great. When it was time for dishes, Chef moved very quickly and had the kitchen finished up in about 20 minutes. When I checked the dishes, they weren't clean (I don't mean in a "teenager not cleaning dishes" way or that there were a few missed spots, etc. There were lots of food bits, etc. ) It was great that the usual dragging out of the chore hadn't accompanied the "not cleaning" but it was very clear that Chef again hadn't made an effort to actually wash the dishes. There were no rags for Chef to clean the little washroom downstairs because he's gotten rid of the rags and we weren't over at the thrift shop so he could replace them because he was tantrumming on Saturday. It's all a chain. At this point, I really do believe that it is mostly all a ploy to do whatever it takes to get out of chores. I've suspected that over the years when it came to some things; as time goes on, I'm more convinced. I could be wrong. I realize chores involve a lot of steps and some planning, which is why Chef has written helps to use (which he doesn't use, but he no longer whines, etc., when reminded of using helps), but sneaking through the house to take stuff also requires steps and planning. Repeatedly throwing hard snow/ice at windows also requires steps and planning, evidenced by Chef taking the time to find the "right" pieces and tossing unworthy pieces onto the ground. Independently making his own school lunches requires far more steps and planning, yet Chef is very successful in that area when he makes his lunches on the weekends, and very successful when independently cooking meals otherwise as well.

And so, the chore saga continues...

A Gold-Star Week at Home, Silver for School Marks, Coal for Dishonesty at School

Today is Friday.

What a nice week we've had. Chef has continued his mornings of independent exercise, eating his breakfast without prompts, and getting his lunch items out and packed into his lunchbox without prompts. Hygiene and making it out to the bus on time are not happening. Today Chef went out to the bus barefoot and carrying his sandals again, but today he was running rather than walking.

Yesterday after school, Chef and I walked downtown to meet up with a few of my friends. Chef sat at his own table and read newspapers/magazines. When we got home, Chef independently started his chores and put in his laundry! After supper, Chef cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned up the upstairs bathroom, then spent his "free time" in his room because he'd lost his choice of activities due to choices he's been making at school.

Chef's resource teacher had received an email from Chef's art teacher. Chef has been telling his art teacher that he needs to leave class to go have meds. He hasn't been having meds at school and hasn't been going to the resource room after being excused from his class. We don't know where he's been going after leaving the classroom.

Chef brought home papers yesterday stating that there are a lot of assignments Chef hasn't submitted but he is getting excellent marks.

A lot of positives this week, combined with a pretty big concern.

Friday, October 29, 2010

This morning I was thinking about the changes I've seen in Chef over the years; how it's really very amazing to consider how far he's come in his life. I was thinking about how he used to not tolerate praise and now he drinks it in like water in the desert. I remembered how hard he used to fight against getting ready for school because he just wanted to stay home with mom, and all the on-the-way-to-school events that have taken place while trying to get Chef to school over the years. Now he calmly and independently waits for his bus. I thought about how he always wanted to stay in his room if "new people" were in the house, and how bravely he has now ventured into all the "new" of high school. My mind went back to how looooong and difficult it was for Chef to learn any form of physical exercise, and how he now independently does 20 minutes of exercises every day plus uses exercises to help him find his focus or to deal with frustration. Chef isn't comfortable with loud noises, but he copes with them much better now, and no longer runs screaming into the house if there is a loud noise outside. And he is starting to occasionally discuss possible discomfort about an event beforehand. Chef used to be very clear about not wanting to have any disability or difficulty, but is now starting to appropriately communicate about and plan around his needs.

Last night there was a Halloween dance where I used to work. Chef's immediate response was that he didn't want to go because there would be too many people. I have taken Chef to these events for years, and he's even been up and smiling on the dance floor on a few occasions. At last year's Spring Social, Chef said he thought it might be too loud for him, but he agreed to come anyway and spent the evening sitting with other folks he knows (after being repeatedly encouraged by me so he isn't always just with me at a social event), up on the dance floor (after repeated encouragement from others who wanted to support Chef in participating), and volunteering with me in the drink booth. Last night he agreed to come anyway, and initially sat a bit of a distance from everything that was going on and focussed on his snack. Once everyone was finished eating, Chef asked if he could have thirds. I reminded him that chips (crisps) were a "sometimes" food and he'd already had two huge piles. Chef nodded, walked across the dance floor towards the chair where he'd been sitting, then stopped and sat down in a chair right by where people were dancing. At one point he came to me and said he didn't know what to say to a woman who was trying to communicate with him, so we talked about that a bit then I reminded him that he could dance or visit with other folks rather than just stand beside me. Chef nodded then went back to his chair across the room. He has been participating less and less at events, but when he "has" to come along he seems to still be finding ways to be ok with being there. There's been a change here; he used to come along with me to any event or outing and would participate with encouragement, then started to occasionally not get ready to leave or would do other things that would delay leaving. I noticed this about the time that I started nudging Chef to be a bit more independent when we were places where he'd frequently been. When we were going to our weekly music session regularly, for example, I started suggesting to Chef that he sit beside other folks he knew rather than sitting beside me and laying his head down on my lap, etc. Eventually, if it was a new or less familiar event and/or an event that held some sort of possible expectation for him and/or an event where I would be encouraging him to not be velcroed to me, he would act out after being at the event. Then there was a shift to Chef angrily refusing to go somewhere at the last minute. Very recently, he has started discussing concerns before events and has been open to discussing ways of coping with those concerns. It's still questionable as to how much notice to provide to Chef regarding events/outings. Two weeks in advance could mean two weeks of stressing/figuring out ways of not attending; one day or a few hours advance could mean one day or a few hours of the same stressing/figuring. There have been times when I haven't said anything until we're leaving and Chef asks where we're going. The latter has "worked" the best overall, but to me it feels disrespectful given that Chef's 15 years old. Chef says that he prefers knowing a few days ahead because he wants to know in advance, but acknowledges that it's easier for him if he doesn't know until it's time to leave.

"Where growth is greater than quandry, there is beauty."

"Morning After Respite" and "Food"

Chef came home from respite this morning to get his lunch about 15 minutes before his bus would arrive.

When he walked in the front door, he had some difficulty maneuvering around his "stuff" he's been piling for a few days in the front entrance - there were about 6 small items in total that were supposed to be for the outside garbage bin and a small plastic bag for the thrift shop. It was a small pile, but a pile nonetheless, and certainly didn't belong in the front entrance where it would cause problems for Chef using the door. Natural consequences.

When reminded (again!) that the front entrance would be easier to use once the pile is cleared up, Chef chose to clear it up! He did so in three parts; two trips to the bin, then down the lane to the thrift shop with the small bag. Just before he returned, the school division called to say his bus wouldn't be running today due to a medical emergency. I told them I'd work on figuring out transportation and if I couldn't then I'd just keep Chef home. I made a couple plan changes, and was phoning the school when my neighbour rang our doorbell. This was all happening within the first 15 minutes of Chef arriving home. Not fun for me; that much more difficult for Chef. Ah, Monday mornings.

I noticed Chef was wearing a dirty, wrinkled shirt when he came home, so I asked him to change it before heading off to school. He made a face and told me it was clean. I pointed out where it was dirty. This was not received well - our short morning together had been very busy thus far. I told Chef to take a bit of time in his room to just relax and find his focus.

A few minutes later, I called Chef down to get his lunch from the counter and go out to the deck. I'd put everything out on the counter (apple,carrots, peppers, rice/beef casserole), he just needed to pack the items into his lunchbag. Instead, Chef opened the fridge. I pointed out that there were lunch items on the counter for him and that his lunchbag was still in the living room where he'd left it last week. He said, "Ok" and kept looking in the fridge. I told him there wasn't time for anything else and that he needed to get his lunch and go out to the deck. With eyebrows down, he got his lunch items together and carried them out the door.

I've often talked with Chef about preparing "dessert" items together, such as cream puffs or rice krispie cake to take in his lunches with the idea that he would have something right in his lunch that would be immediately available for him when he feels like seeking carb-type foods otherwise. I still think this would be a very beneficial idea for Chef's lunches, though his responses to this have been varied - usually he just doesn't want to make items on the weekends, the ingredients often disappear before the items are made, or the items I make disappear en masse, leaving nothing for lunches. When Chef was in his younger grades (and prior to going gluten-free!), the lunches I packed for him were so large that the top of the lunch bag couldn't fold over. In addition, he also had access to snacks that I brought to school for him on a weekly basis. Chef still secretly and successfully sought out food otherwise - food belonging to other students, staff, the food collection box in the hallway at Christmas, etc., etc. At one point, Chef also had open access to a snack shelf in his classroom; I don't recall if he ever accessed it at all, but he still sought out food otherwise. Food remains a very challenging area for Chef when he does not have an adult with him.

Balance

I've often said, if it weren't for times of issue around school (sensory stressors around bright lights and hallways and crowds and noise, etc., having to get ready in the morning, etc) and chores and lying and stealing and hygiene and responsibility, everything would be fine.

I'm sure many of us have seen someone walk in the door at the end of the day and dump their backpack on the floor or toss their briefcase onto a chair, then flop down on the couch with an exaggerated exhale and a non-relaxed look on their face. They've held it together all day through thick and thin, then they come home and need a place to just relax.

For Chef, frustrations and anxieties are almost always reserved just for home. This is where he can dump everything and know that he will be supported in continuing to learn to dump appropriately. Chef also knows that there is an expectation here for him to continue to learn to use the tools he's been given and trained to use when it comes to anger/stress management. And he also knows that he will be continue to be supported in continued learning and growing to become a contributing member of his family and community.

And unlike the person who can walk in their door and flop then exhale and vent a bit then move on with their evening, Chef's anxieties and frustrations are sometimes delayed or skewed and are communicated through other "behaviours" either in response to something or as a prelude to something he's anticipating.

Aside from all those times (which can sometimes take up the bulk of an entire day or evening or even weekend if there have been issues), Chef and I have a lot of nice moments (good talks while walking, "Mom, would you like some tea?", good talks when driving somewhere, enjoying nature walks, "Mom, there's something over here you could take a picture of", watching videos together, "Yes, Mom", etc., etc., etc.) When Chef is in good space and not in the midst of dealing with issues/behaviours/ consquences, etc., it really is very pleasant being Chef's Mom.