Food Bank Days

I've recently noticed that after our last three trips to the food bank, Chef acts up at home. This past time, Chef was very, very chatty about and very, very visually-focused on the food in the room at the food bank. He was quiet on the drive home with a friend of mine, then became very very chatty about the food bank food again once we were home and were unpacking the food, and continued to be very very chatty about it while making supper he offered to make. The high degree of chattiness was concerning since that's usually an indicator that Chef is pretty wound up inside, but all seemed fine - until Chef was reminded that he needed to wipe out the sink before washing dishes. The rest of the evening was not fun at all.

Going to the food bank seems to be an enjoyable outing for Chef when it comes to choosing food items, discovering what's in our pre-packed bag, seeing all the many many bread items and being told he can choose 3 or 4, seeing the large packages of cheese (Chef's been back on dairy now for over a year though in small amounts every day and very small amounts at a time due to digestive/"behavioural" experiences), and exploring/choosing items from the table by the door. He seems to enjoy seeing the now-familiar volunteers and definitely seems to enjoy the comments they make about him growing or how good it is that he removes sugary foods from our prepacked bag (which is interesting to watch, especially when knowing that if Chef were there on his own and no one knew him, he'd been inhaling all those sugary foods before he even left the food bank ;-) ), etc.

And while Chef isn't "bouncing off the walls" at the food bank, it's clear to those who know him well that it's almost like Christmas for him - there's a plethora of food.

There's also usually a large crowd and fluorescent lights and often a long wait in line that Chef has to deal with (standing for that length of time is difficult for Chef and that much moreso while waiting outside on winter days, other folks might accidentally nudge him or be physically closer than Chef's comfort level allows, etc). Typically what happens is that once he has a visual on food items, that becomes his focus and he'll talk about food generally from that point until we are on our way home - actually he'll quite often still continue talking all the way home and at home about the food.

Grocery shopping has always been one of Chef's favourite outings, and it's something that we've very much enjoyed together. I used to take him to a variety of different shops to buy various ethnic foods, taught him much over the years about nutritional value and how to read the labels, etc., etc. and Chef happily and peacefully drank it all in. I also worked with him for years before he stopped sneaking food off shelves and trying to eat it, and I learned fairly early on not to put grocery bags into the back seat with Chef if I wanted the items they contained to still be there when we got home.

Back to the present, my theory is that he's pretty excited and wound up inside on food bank days, and once we are home and have unpacked and eaten supper, he crashes - similar to a young child at Christmas who is overspent by the excitement of the day and the let-down when it's over.

The other piece is that, through the years, Chef has always wanted all the food immediately after grocery shopping and it generally takes a couple of days before his focus shifts away from that. Food bank days are no different.

The one difference is that Chef doesn't typically act up after grocery shopping yet it's definitely on my radar that "acting up" has happened the last three food bank days. We walk to both the grocery store and the food bank and we walk home from both. There are fluorescent lights and groups of people at both, though foodbank is much smaller and much more enclosed, and requires Chef to hold it together for quite awhile while waiting in a line.

Food bank has the added piece of mystery with a prepacked bag, which is a huge thing for Chef and he often wants to explore the contents of the bag the second it's in his hands, so that will likely add excitement and/or anxiety.

We still remain mostly gluten-free at home so Chef has the greatest dietary benefit possible but we' ve started having some regular bread on weekends when he doesn't need quite as much focus/brainpower/etc as schooldays require, and Chef usually has a bun or two from the food bank once we get home. For as long as I've known him, Chef has been a carbaholic. But when we're grocery shopping, if we pick up bread it primarily involves walking to where the bread is and picking up what we're looking for. At the food bank, there's the excitement/anxiety possibility piece with bread as well because the selection is always different, there's a jumbled myriad of various items on each shelf, and there may or may not be something Chef may have had in mind - it's not nearly as cut and dry as at the grocery store.

The bottom line is that we'll be doing some preplanning now around coping and appropriate behaviour at home for food bank days.

August 24, 2011

Yes. I ate the cookies.

Not all of them. At least, not yet.

It's interesting how the brain operates. I felt fully justified in eating the ones I ate, having heard my son repeatedly call me "fuckhead" during today's tantrum, but I was also keenly aware that if I ate them all it would be from a vengeful place and that's not how I want to live my life. My mind also wandered into one of those ol' dark humour spaces - what exactly is a "fuckhead" anyway?

We spent the first week of August house/pet-sitting for friends in another city. Chef did fantastically well all week. He was a very responsible pet-sitter with feeding and grooming and walking. He was thrilled to see a tv in the living room and even moreso when he discovered it was connected to "netflix" as well as a dvd player. He talked a lot about how happy he was that we were able to walk a couple of blocks and find such an abundance of organic produce, and happily overdosed on toasted tomato sandwiches. He agreeably went on fairly long walks almost every day. And then it happened - he found a candy stash. Unaware of the amount of sugar coursing through Chef's veins, I picked up three small wrappers off the floor in the room where he'd been sleeping during the week. I approached Chef holding the wrappers in an open palm and raised my eyebrows. "What? It wasn't me." My eyebrows went higher. "I DIDN'T DO IT!! I KNOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE ME! IT WASN'T ME!" And that was the start of a 3+ hr meltdown in the yard outside of the house where we were staying. From what I was able to piece together between wrappers and Chef's eventual conversation, he'd eaten a sleeve of graham crackers, a large Lindt chocolate bar, a box of granola bars, and various pieces of random candy. Needless to say, he was fairly exhausted following his afternoon of bellowing/swearing/kicking/throwing/ hollering in the yard - and seemed quite stunned to learn that we'd be going out to the first night of a cultural festival that evening regardless, but he handled it. He handled the crowds, the late evening, the noise, the busyness, the action, the friends greeting him and attempting to start a conversation with him. Oh, and he also handled the fact that he wasn't allowed any desserts or treats at the pavillion.

Last week, a 2 hour tantrum. I don't remember right now if it started with the crumpets I'd found wrapped in a teatowel and tucked under the hallway cupboard outside Chef's room or whether it was chore-related. It came two days after a weekend of getting home at 4am two mornings in a row at the end of the cultural festival.

Today, another 2 hour tantrum with much swearing and verbal-machine-gun-firing and yelling, and a few moments of throwing sticks at the house. Last night, Chef hadn't wanted to sweep the floor. He was reminded that he needed to do it tonight or it would be an additional chore waiting for him the next day. He swept a bit then came upstairs and said the floor was done. I checked. It wasn't. This morning, he said he would sweep where he hadn't swept last night. A few minutes later he said the floor was done. I checked and pointed out that there was a magnet on the floor. Cue the tantrum. Chef went into immediate anger mode of yelling, posturing, and general disrespect. A couple hours later, we had a post-tantrum chat where Chef stated that he had been angry because he shouldn't have had to pick up a magnet that wasn't his and that he hadn't put on the floor. When reminded that the magnet belonged to his 17 month old niece, Chef said he hadn't thought of that. We also explored the choice of spending two hours of being disrespectful in order to try to avoid taking a couple of seconds to pick up a magnet. Chef very humbly responded that he hadn't thought of that either. I also had a look at Chef's arm. At the beginning of the tantrum, Chef was asked to go out to the deck. He chose, instead, to stand in the doorway with a very dark facial expression and crossed arms. I put my hands on his shoulders to lead him out of the doorway. He yanked his shoulder and complained about being hurt but did turn and walk to the deck. Later on, I noticed from an upstairs window that Chef had his hand inside his nightshirt and was moving it around by his arm. Shortly afterwards, his yelling started to include statements about how he didn't want to live with me anymore because he shouldn't have to live with someone who would hurt him and that he wanted to talk with one of his workers. I told him I'd already called all his workers and was only getting their voicemails. "I DON'T GIVE A FLYING F---!!! GET HIM ON THE PHONE, YOU F---HEAD!!!" When Chef was able to be back on our deck respectfully, I pointed out that I had seen him from the upstairs window when he had his hand inside his nightshirt. When we chatted once he was able to come inside, I asked him to show me where he was hurt. He explained that his shoulder had felt a bit tight when I'd put my hands on his shoulders. I asked him again to show me where he was hurt - it was his underarm. There was a hive and what appeared to be either light scratching marks or a bit of redness in the folds/lines of his skin. Chef said he hadn't realized that - he just thought that his underarm was bothering him because he hadn't liked it when I put my hands on his shoulders to walk him out the door. We reviewed that it would have worked better to to not struggle against having help to walk out the door, and it would have worked even better to have walked out the door on his own but that either way, having someone put their hands on his shoulders is not going to cause a problem in his underarm. At the end of our post-tantrum chat, I asked what he wanted to do now. "I want to eat but I know I tantrummed through a meal and now I have to wait til snacktime so I'll just do dishes." Wow. WOW!!! I told him that my next question was going to be, "and what WILL you be doing now" and that he had already answered the question very appropriately. I asked him how he planned to repay me for my time spent during his tantrum today - he said I could have the homemade cookies his sister had made for him. WORKS FOR ME!!!! I mean, er, good for Chef!! That was a huge step for him to give up something so valuable to him. I didn't give any specific reply regarding the cookies. And I really did try very hard not to eat even one - and then, I gave in as per the "it's interesting how the brain operates" paragraph. Later in the afternoon, I was on the phone with one of Chef's other team members and asked Chef if he wanted to talk with her. He declined, stating that he only wanted to talk with "T." When I was finished talking on the phone, Chef said he didn't want to talk with T anymore either. I asked why. He said he'd only said that so I would hurry up and get him on the phone so he could talk with him without me talking with him, and that he was angry but now he was embarassed about how he'd acted and didn't want T knowing. I told him that I would have talked with T if I'd chosen regardless of whether or not Chef wanted me to, and that I'd left a message asking T if he'd be willing to talk with Chef about the choices he'd made this afternoon. Chef's eyes watered, then he said he really didn't want to talk with T and that he had to go to the washroom.

After supper, Chef made it clear that he was not into doing the dishes. I had him help me carry a table out into the yard and handed him some sandpaper. Tonight he worked on sanding a table. Tomorrow the dishes will still be there.

****************
Recent Triggers:
-Nine zillion ounces of sugar from Chef's candy discovery
-Chef's youngest niece and oldest sister are moving out at the beginning of September
-Chef's oldest niece and other sister and brother-in-law who also provide respite once a week are moving to another town this weekend
-This past weekend was a respite weekend, which is wonderful though there was a mix-up regarding scheduling - and regardless of how wonderful respite is, it's still a change
-School.Starts.Soon.
-Housesitting and Folklorama week, back to back, finishing up with coming home at 4am two mornings in a row after much sensory assault for Chef's ears/eyes/patience
-Chef turned 16 last Friday. He didn't get the "all adults" birthday party he wanted, and he bought the candy stash with a big chunk of his birthday gift money and will be having a cake some other time. (There was, however, VERY VERY much appreciation shown for the personal CD player he received)
-More people are talking with Chef about his hygiene. Last night, his sister had him shower when he went over to her house for the evening.
-The local fire dept tested our smoke detectors today

A lot of triggers. And there are always triggers. Environmental. Sensory. Events. Change. People. It's always a balance between supporting Chef through exploring what he can handle and when, and dealing with the times when it's all just too much.

Oh Monday, I Will Miss Thee

What a weekend!

As soon as Chef came home from school on Friday, we walked over to the festival downtown. I'd already walked through in the afternoon to get a sense of where everything was, and good thing I did because it didn't take long before Chef started asking what was set up and whereabouts, etc., etc. We did a lot of walking! Chef had a long, fully-loaded vendor hotdog for supper, as well as some fruit he'd brought along. I'd let him know that that was his only treat this weekend other than being at the event itself. We'd talked through the week about how I was choosing not to spend any money on Chef during the event because that's how I felt after he'd stolen from me, and about Chef needing to do chores to earn spending money for the event - which he didn't. But Chef didn't complain at all throughout the festival and seemed to very much enjoy himself. (In fact, when he later found some ride tickets on the sidewalk, I told him it would be a good idea to be a good community member by giving them to someone else considering he has often taken from his community without repayment/restitution. Chef said he didn't like the rides anyway and seemingly easily gave them to a passerby.) We walked the length of the main area first, then walked back along the other side. Chef talked a lot about how fun it would be to go on the small, inflatable bouncer structures they'd set up for the younger crowd. He filled in a ticket by every "free draw" sign he saw, collected papers from various vendors/info tables til I pointed out that he had plenty, and completely lit up when he saw cupcakes with multicoloured swirly icing. We saw Chef's CFS worker again, and again Chef didn't recognize him, and often asked throughout the day, "Who was that?" "Who were you waving at?" "Who were you talking to? Do I know them?" A couple of times we bumped into friends who have family members Chef's age who Chef knows - both times, Chef removed himself and sat a distance away while I visited, even after initially saying hello with encouragement. At the petting zoo area, we talked about how we would feel if we were in a small pen/cage all day having strangers pet and poke, and how it's a bit tricky when it comes to petting zoos because they encourage interest in the animals yet it's a cruel situation for the animals present. Chef pointed to a kitten in a small kennel container and said he sure wouldn't want to be that kitten. (Later on, we returned to the petting zoo with Chef's niece and Chef excitedly pointed and said, "Mom, look! They have kittens here!" I wasn't sure what to make of that.) One spot had a small putting area set up and Chef made 3 attempts to get the ball in and chose a small army figure as a prize. I asked what he planned on doing with it, since I don't allow war toys in our home. "I don't know," he said. We watched one of my former coworkers on the free stage. Chef seemed much more taken with his toy soldier, flying it in the air, pretending to have it shoot until I reminded him he was going overboard for a 15 year old. He grumped a bit, then tuned into the music and was soon tapping along to the beat. When we left the stage area, Chef went back to the putting area and traded in his toy soldier for Canadian flag tattoos. In the evening, we had my oldest grandchild with us and Chef went into full uncle mode. When Chef is in good space, he is so very good with his nieces. We took her to the children's tent where Chef showed her how to toss beanbags into a hole-y cow and coloured with her. Chef very excitedly showed her the petting zoo and proudly pushed her stroller throughout the evening. On Saturday, Chef eagerly packed a bag of food for the day and back we went. We watched a few friends perform on stage, then wandered and visited with folks. Around 6'ish, we were sitting for a moment when Chef pointed to the sidewalk. "That almost looks like a ticket for something except it would be backwards because it says Terms and Conditions on it." I glanced down and nodded. Chef went back to eating some fruit and looking around while we relaxed, then he bent down and picked up the paper and showed it to me. "Is this a ticket for the concert tonight?" It was! And with rush seating, there was no way of returning the ticket to its original owner. I quickly sent a text message to some folks I knew who were already seated by the stage and asked if Chef could join them. So Chef ended his day by attending his first concert and, even though he sat with women, he wasn't there with his Mom! A very tired Chef came home around 11:30pm and went right to bed.

At 1pm the next day, I asked Chef if he planned on coming downstairs at all or if he was going to sleep more. He grumpily came down the stairs, looked at what his sister and I were cooking on the stove (bacon and eggs), and grumpily announced that he needed to do laundry and asked his sister to go down to the basement so he could use the laundry room (because her room is downstairs and Chef has a problem with stealing). She said he'd have to wait. Chef grumped more. I reminded him to quickly get dressed because brunch was already later than usual and wouldn't be waiting for him. Chef slowly dragged his feet over to the sink and said he was doing dishes. I asked if he wasn't eating and he shrugged, so I reminded him to get dressed and have a bite to eat before he does anything else. More grumping. "Turn things around or go deal with your grumpiness or go back to bed, but don't continue the grumping." Chef went out to the deck and did some jumping jacks then came inside with tone/grumpiness. I told him that I was going to do something ONLY because he was out at a concert late the night before, then handed him some of his favourite fruit and told him to go up and have a nice, long, relaxing bath (Chef hasn't bathed again in awhile, so I wasn't sure if he'd accept it as a relaxer at that point) and that if he needed a nap afterwards, that would be fine. About half an hour later, I went up to check on his and heard what sounded like Chef quickly getting into the tub. When he said I could come in, Chef was sitting in the tub with dry hair and a mostly-dry upper body. He responded very grumpily to my step-by-step prompts for washing his hair then shifted (grumpily but on his own!) into washing his body. I went back downstairs. About an hour later, Chef announced from the stairs that he wanted brunch. I told him brunch was over long ago and that the rest of us were having a rest and that he could either just have some quiet time in his room or nap. He went to his room and when he came down later, he said he was going to do the dishes. I didn't say anything. A few moments later, he said he was going to clean the bathroom. I didn't say anything. A few moments later, he came into the living room and said he wanted bacon. I told him the bacon was for brunch and was gone, but he could have peanut butter sandwiches and fruit for supper (he's been asking on the weekend to take peanut butter sandwiches to school for lunch on Monday but I've been reminding him that it's best to have those just at home due to others' sensitivities). He made an angry face and started talking with tone and I just pointed to the window. Chef went outside and did some jumping jacks. When I opened the door to talk with him, he continued with tone. I closed the door and let him work things out for a bit then I asked him through the open window what he should have done when he came downstairs. We reviewed, he came inside, ate, and had a quiet evening in his room. I thought he'd taken some books up with him to read, but when I went to check on him later, I noticed the books on the hallway desk. I went upstairs and knocked on his door. When he said to come in, I opened the door to find a foggy room and a naked Chef standing and holding a piece of cloth over his groin area. His window was closed, his bathrobe was along the floor behind the door, and there was water dripping from different spots on the ceiling and along the walls, and shaving cream foam inside the keyboard bench. I picked up the spray bottle that he'd used from the bathroom and told Chef to open his window and to clean up the water. "I can't open my window. Bugs will come in (Chef has already wrecked two screens in short order, so there isn't one in his window at the moment). That's why I've been spraying water - to kill the bugs." I glanced over to the desk where Chef was pointing. Three dead flies.

I sent my sister, who also works with children with various different abilities, a text message asking if she had any ideas for air circulation in Chef's room. If there is air (warm in winter or cool in summer) coming through his vent, Chef usually blocks it off with his mattress or books. My sister suggested a plug-in fan but Chef has played dangerously with items with electrical plugs so a plug-in fan would make me very nervous, plus he doesn't like air movement. She suggested a ceiling fan, but again that's blowing air and Chef has already wrecked 2 or 3 light fixtures. My concern is keeping Chef's body temp in a good place when he's spending any time in his room on hot summer days or days with high humidity, such as yesterday. We thought maybe ice packs might work - unless he opens them up. Ice frozen in a baggie would quickly be removed and used for various purposes, as I've learned with water in a hot/cold water bottle. Hopefully I can find ice packs that have safe interiors and tough exteriors.

Today is Monday. This is Chef's one exam day. Before school, Chef took out the garbage, got dressed, asked again about taking peanut butter sandwiches, asked if I had made anything for his bus driver (we'd talked earlier in the week about making some baked goods on the weekend to give his bus driver as a year-end gift), grabbed two pieces of fruit, and was out the door before the bus arrived.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Today is Monday.

Many of my friends dread Monday. Perhaps "dread" is too strong a word. Many of my friends don't look forward to the shift back to the workplace schedule and ongoing expectations.

For me, Monday is usually a day to breathe. Relax. Take in the peace and quiet.

As some of you know, Chef believes that he should not have to do chores or anything that he believes to be related to chores. This includes activities such as doing dishes, bathing, picking up items he drops on the floor in various rooms throughout the house, cleaning up urine in his room, cleaning up messes he makes throughout the house, dressing, etc., and sometimes even goes so far as including tossing food into his lunch container even if there are various food items out on the table in addition to the food in the fridge/cupboards, or making himself a sandwich.

It is a very, very rare occasion for Chef to do one of the above without prompting. It is equally as rare for Chef to do any of the above without numerous attempts at getting out of doing any of the above. Some of the challenges with which Chef lives do make such activities difficult for him to varying degrees - but the fact remains, he is capable of doing them, he gladly does similar activities if he deems them to be in the "fun" category (cooking, video games, running to get candy, making water balloons, making a bottle for his niece/playing with and picking up after his niece, etc. Chef seems to have the energy/ability for what he enjoys, and little to none for what he doesn't enjoy.

It used to be that Chef would come up with numerous attempts at avoiding even the start of any of the above - but for the most part that has changed. It is now more common for him to seem to be starting one of the above and then attempt to do whatever he thinks might get him out of continuing/completing the task at hand.

For example, Chef started this past Saturday with a tantrum because he didn't want to do the dishes. In all fairness, there were a lot of dirty dishes (so many, in fact, that by Saturday afternoon I'd told Chef I wouldn't be cooking due to the lack of clean dishes and that meals would be cold food until the dishes were done) but when Chef had chosen not to do the dishes before the weekend, he rediscovered that the dishes did not go anywhere nor did anyone else do his chore for him.

When Chef rediscovered that tantrums don't work, he hid the teatowels. When that didn't work (and he had pretty much worn himself out from having to turn to his exercise program to deal with his extra energy he had for whining, attitude, etc), he began washing the dishes. Slowly. And not actually washing/drying them. It took over an hour before he'd actually washed/dried two items. When he rediscovered that wasn't going to do much other than cause more problems in his day, he started washing the dishes. After 10 minutes of reasonable effort on his part, I knew Chef and I both needed a rest and I told him that he could take a break because he was now showing good attitude towards his work. I'd hoped that, even though there might be a few steps back after having a rest, the message that the antics involved in chore-avoidance weren't worthwhile would stick. Chef was reminded to have a bite to eat before having a rest since he'd only eaten two kiwis for breakfast and had whined when I reminded him he needed more to eat.

After having a rest, we went out for a walk for about half an hour. On the way home, I bought myself a small takeout for lunch and told Chef that I sure wasn't about to buy him lunch after the way he'd behaved and that he would need to make his lunch when we got home. Chef again chose to eat a bunch of fruit. This isn't new. Chef has gone through periods in the past when his focus is primarily on fruit, though it was interesting to see him focus on it on the weekend after he'd said it was too much work to put into his school lunches even though it's sitting in baskets on the table. As an aside, mayonnaise is a big focus for Chef right now - mostly while doing dishes or using the washroom. We went through two jars last month. He hasn't been going for the spices recently, and my daughter has kept a bottle of vanilla in the cupboard the last couple of weeks without incident.

Back to the dishes - to make a VERY long story short, it was late Sunday evening before Chef actually started putting in a reasonable effort at getting them done. I sure got a lot of music practice in this weekend :-) There was no participation in making lunches (and I don't make Chef's lunches for him if he hasn't participated in taking care of his responsibilities), no bath, and Chef hadn't eaten more than some fruit earlier in the day, (even with reminders that of what was available in the refrigerator and even though I'd put out meat and wraps by the fruit so he could make wraps for himself) stating that he was going to wait until I cooked supper. I reminded him that I still wouldn't be cooking due to the amount of dirty dishes and unavailable prep space. He made a face. I then reminded him that cooking would also create more dirty dishes. Chef relaxed his face and said "K" but still didn't eat. When I later told Chef it was bedtime, he put his head to the side, made a scowling face and a scoffing sound, and said "Well, can I at least have a piece of fruit?" I reminded him that he was supposed to eat earlier and had had opportunity to do so. "Well, I'm hungry NOW." I told him he could go out and have a seat on the deck. I brought him out a bowl of baby spinach. He stated he wasn't hungry and that he didn't like spinach. I reminded him that he's eaten spinach many times and has even chosen to make spinach salads and that his body could use the nutrients. "It's gross." I picked some up, put it in my mouth, chewed it, swallowed it, said "eat", and walked back into the house. Chef tossed the spinach over the deck and sat on the chair grumping and saying he was hungry. I came out, put more spinach into his bowl, and asked if he needed me to feed him. Chef scowled and ate. When he came inside, he thanked me and apologized for his behaviour on the weekend. We talked a little bit about choices and consequences and the importance of eating and the importance of talking/behaving appropriately and about time and donating weekends to trying to get out of a chore rather than taking care of responsibilities then enjoying the weekend. We talked about dignity and responsibility. We talked about switching chores to the mornings since he doesn't want to do them in the evenings and on weekends, and told him he could try that and see how that goes. This morning, I woke Chef twice but both times he went back to his room. When I woke him the third time, I reminded him that he needed to get up earlier today but was now later than usual. He said he had gone back to bed because the alarm hadn't gone off. I went and turned on the alarm, he was up a couple minutes later and working on getting the kitchen cleaned up. This morning, his job was to wipe the stove and get the cupboard under the sink back in shape from previous choices Chef had made regarding the garbage pail. He seemed to be in good spirits, until I reminded him that he didn't have much extra time this morning because he kept going back to bed. He grumpily wiped the stove then brought in the garbage pail (he'd taken the pail out to empty it then put it under a chair on the deck the other day when I told him it couldn't come back inside smelling like that after he'd decided not to put a bag inside, and there wasn't time for him to wash it at the time because we were on our way somewhere), put it under the sink, and closed the door. He was reminded it needed to be rinsed and a bag needed to be inside. He very slowly (and grumpily) opened the door and very slowly removed the pail and very slowly walked to the bathroom with it. Everything was in slow motion for the next while - until the bus arrived! Chef quickly ran down the hallway, grabbed his clothes, and ran out the door to the waiting bus.

Clothing: We've turned the tables. If Chef leaves an item on the floor, it goes to the thrift shop. Of course, I'm the only one who seems effected by that at this point but I'm hoping that maybe that will help motivate Chef to start taking care of his belonging and his home. It didn't "work" in the past, but trying again! At one point, I decided to see how long he would actually leave something on the floor and have to step over it/walk around it, etc. I didn't say anything about two items - one was a pair of his pants on the floor in the front hallway where he had to walk over/around them to go out the door, going up/down the stairs, and to get to closet where his clothes are. Another item was one of his hats which sat on the kitchen floor. A week later, both items were still there. If I prompt Chef to pick up an item, he will pick it up then he will usually stash it somewhere rather than putting it away "because it's easier than putting it away." In order for Chef to pick something up and put it away (clothing, paper that he drops, cleaning up a mess he's made, etc., well basically anything that requires effort) I usually need to provide a verbal prompt and then see the task through with a frustrated Chef.

Today is Monday. Relax. Revitalize.

December, 2010

So where are things at otherwise....

Skills:
Chef continues to do a good job at cooking. He was even garnishing for awhile but isn't any longer. He does tend to forget some things if he hasn't prepared a certain food for awhile. He doesn't access his notebook or written information that he needs, but will now check the cooking instructions for rice without issue when reminded; there had been some sort of rice problem a few weeks back. I haven't been teaching him any new skills recently, but we'll be working on some holiday items together.
Chef's interest/skills in origami have resurfaced following a Christmas party at an art gallery where one of the activities was to make origami decorations for the gallery's tree.
Chef is getting top marks in science this year, and has been bringing home gifts of art for me. Chef continues to be a voracious reader, and is strong in computer skills at school.
Chef is able to talk about nutritional information and some environmental effects of choices we make.
This year, Chef seems to be developing more interest in appropriate self-development rather than aiming for "clown" or "cool" mode. I don't know if this is true at school as well.

Winter Tantrums:
There was a time when Chef would go outside in the winter without outerwear to tantrum. He would go onto the deck and stand or sit on the deck and immediately start whining/foghorning/yelling about how cold he was. If I opened the door and held out his jacket and reminded him to put it on, he would either grump and turn away then return to whining/foghorning/yelling or take the jacket and throw it into the yard or onto the deck, then return to whining/foghorning/yelling. Chef now puts on his outerwear before going outside. **Also, Chef has now been wearing boots rather than sandals since the second snowfall. He did put on his sandals that morning and started running out to the bus but he did come back and put on his boots when I kept calling him back and holding out his boots. He has also been wearing socks since last week.

Chores
If I remain in the same room as Chef, he does a good job at any chore on his list. He will still try different "games" with dishes though, and it feels as though he just likes the attention and diversion of having someone sitting there.

"Obeying Mom"
Chef will do pretty much anything that is asked of him (as long as it is not something that he deems to be a chore); make tea, take out a diaper, carry in groceries and unload them, carry bags, cook, shovel snow, etc., etc., etc., and indpendently does a good job of it. If I tell him to put down the hot sauce bottle because he's using a lot, he immediately puts it down. If I ask him to remove his socks to make sure he hasn't hidden anything inside them, he immediately removes them without issue (I guess this might be different if he'd actually hidden something hidden in his sock).
This weekend after Chef's tantrum, I wondered how Chef would have responded if I'd asked him to come in and make some tea while he was in mid-tantrum. I have a sense that he might have stopped and come in and made tea. There have been times when he is tantrumming on the deck and his sister has opened the door and asked him to take a bag to the recyling bin for her, and Chef has stopped his tantrum, said "ok," and quietly run the bag to the bin then resumed his tantrum when he returned to the deck. Maybe enough of those types of disruptions would be beneficial; of course, the other side is that he would then be expecting folks to "fix" his tantrum, and he'd be getting additional attention. At any rate, Chef does do whatever he's asked as long as it's not something he views as a chore.

Social Interactions
Coming along nicely. Awkwardness is not as noticeable this year.

Hygiene
Chef still doesn't seem to be at all concerned about hygiene. If he does care about hygiene, it doesn't show. Once in awhile he will brush his teeth. He still seems to have no concern regarding his clothing, nor any interest in replacing the clothing items that have "disappeared."

Urine
Chef has independently started keeping jugs in his room to urinate in them during the night. I'm ok with that; it solves his "I don't feel like walking to the bathroom" issue and lets me sleep better at night without waking to him getting up then having to make sure he returned to his room afterwards. The concern is in getting him to remove the jugs from his room once they are full. He does not do this on his own, and resists when reminded to remove them. He doesn't keep them tucked away, they're out in the open. Sometimes he removes the caps to put various items into the jugs.

Food
As long as "problem" food is locked up and Chef is consistently monitored, food is not an issue. We are able to keep canned goods in the cupboards but have to keep the can opener hidden or Chef will eat canned goods in the washroom or while doing dishes. Uncooked pasta now seems to be ok to have in the kitchen without being eaten. I had put spices away for awhile but have reintroduced most back into the kitchen without issue. The food in the fridge is generally just produce, eggs, and leftovers, none of which seem to be a concern. Bananas still cannot be kept in the kitchen. Any jam or jelly or anything else that is sweet or dessert-like has to be hidden away in the fridge or will be sneakingly removed and emptied when Chef discovers it. Cooked/leftover meat is not safe in the freezer; Chef will sneak it out and eat it. We have actually had a loaf of bread in the freezer for about two weeks now. This amazes me. Those who have read through my blog know my son's focus on bread if it's around.
A couple weeks ago, my daughter put english muffins in the back of the freezer under other items. When she couldn't find them, Chef told her that he'd thrown them out for her because he thought he saw some mould on them. I informed Chef that they wouldn't get mould on them from being in the freezer.
Last week we had stale bread from a french loaf my daughter had bought, and toast that was completely blackened on one side from being forgotten under the broiler. I tossed it around the yard for the birds. When Chef went out to shovel, he picked the bread out of the snow and ate it.
We do not have items such as frozen waffles, prepackaged/ready-to-eat food. If we did, I have no doubt that Chef would be focussing on those.
Before Chef goes upstairs, I always check the stairs and have Chef do a personal check to make sure he's not stashing anything. There is never an issue around Chef doing a check, he just does it. Chef will still occasionally sneak through the house for food, but very rarely compared to times in the past.
Because Chef does not (or takes weeks/months to) do chores to earn money to repay items he's stolen, the immediate consequence is that Chef is informed that the type of item he's taken will no longer be available for a long time because he has too much difficulty with having it in the house.
This seems to have been effective for the time being, evidenced by Chef no longer eating spices and by Chef sneaking less food into the washroom or under/into the sink, etc. to eat while doing dishes.

(MORE TO FOLLOW...)

December 5, 2010

Part B

There wasn't a sound from Chef's room until around 9:30 this morning. A few minutes later, I was in the washroom and heard Chef's door open then close. I left the washroom quietly and peeked in his room. No Chef. I walked downstairs and saw him quickly disappearing around a corner. I walked through the kitchen and into the living to find Chef just starting to duck down between the china cabinet and loveseat. He was wearing only socks and had a blanket wrapped around him (he has gone through/gotten rid of numerous pairs of pajamas). I told him to go back up to his room, followed him upstairs, and told him to get dressed. A few minutes later, I told him it was time for a room check because I didn't know if he'd been sneaking downstairs other times during the night. He made an angry face and grumped at me. I reminded him that he was the one who was breaking rules and when he gets caught breaking a rule, it is not ok to take that out on someone else. He grumped again. I told him he could fix his grump or take it outside. He went outside and immediately did some jumping jacks and I called him in a couple of minutes later after I'd checked his room. There were the usual disturbing items but nothing out of the ordinary. Chef came inside in good space. I asked him to return to his room and to sing so I would know that he was in his room. He is presently singing in his room without issue while I'm doing up this morning's blog entry.

It would be great if Chef participates in school-lunch prep today. He hasn't at all for the past few weekends. When he doesn't participate at all, I don't either. That leaves Chef having to prepare his school lunch the night before or in the mornings. He's been leaving it til mornings, then just grabbing an apple or an apple and some crackers or occasionally some leftovers. He hasn't had consistently good school lunches for two weeks now because of his weekend choices. I wonder if he's tired enough of that to make a change and do some lunch prep today.

***UPDATE: After a late lunch today, Chef shovelled the neighbours' front porch (very small) and made a pathway to the parking lot, then came in and independently made his school lunches without issue. He offered to make supper ("to help make up for how I acted today") and was reminded that he gladly could but he would still need to do weekend chores (two household chores - he is also technically supposed to be doing extra chores to pay back for stolen/damaged items, etc., but is behind just on his regular day-to-day stuff at this point). Chef cooked liver, mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables for supper. It was great. When it was time for dishes, Chef moved very quickly and had the kitchen finished up in about 20 minutes. When I checked the dishes, they weren't clean (I don't mean in a "teenager not cleaning dishes" way or that there were a few missed spots, etc. There were lots of food bits, etc. ) It was great that the usual dragging out of the chore hadn't accompanied the "not cleaning" but it was very clear that Chef again hadn't made an effort to actually wash the dishes. There were no rags for Chef to clean the little washroom downstairs because he's gotten rid of the rags and we weren't over at the thrift shop so he could replace them because he was tantrumming on Saturday. It's all a chain. At this point, I really do believe that it is mostly all a ploy to do whatever it takes to get out of chores. I've suspected that over the years when it came to some things; as time goes on, I'm more convinced. I could be wrong. I realize chores involve a lot of steps and some planning, which is why Chef has written helps to use (which he doesn't use, but he no longer whines, etc., when reminded of using helps), but sneaking through the house to take stuff also requires steps and planning. Repeatedly throwing hard snow/ice at windows also requires steps and planning, evidenced by Chef taking the time to find the "right" pieces and tossing unworthy pieces onto the ground. Independently making his own school lunches requires far more steps and planning, yet Chef is very successful in that area when he makes his lunches on the weekends, and very successful when independently cooking meals otherwise as well.

And so, the chore saga continues...

Weekend Balance

Chef spent Friday evening with his sister and niece. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he'd worked on weekend chores. Saturday morning and early afternoon were great; Chef ate, washed up and dressed (still sandals though; he continues to say he can't find his socks because his sister put them somewhere, which she did - on top of the dryer after helping Chef with his laundry. This is the second weekend that Chef has again said that he doesn't have his socks anymore, even with reminders of exactly where they are), and seemed quite relaxed and happy as we ran errands together. We got home just before supper and I reminded Chef that his mattress was still in the front yard and needed to be cleaned up. Chef said ok, then went outside. Glancing outside a few minutes later, I noticed a seemingly angry Chef tearing apart the mattress even more; foam and other mattress bits were strewn across the yard. I opened the door and asked what was happening. Chef looked at me angrily and said that he knew I still didn't believe that he hadn't hidden anything in his mattress. "Well, that's right, but the issue right now is that you need to get your mattress cleaned up so it's not in the yard anymore." Chef started escalating. I reminded him that all he needed to do right now was clean up the mattress and that we weren't discussing anything else about his mattress today. Chef escalated. I reminded him of his anger management tools. Chef continued his yelling and whining and angry facial expressions; I shut the door. Two hours later, the mattress was cleaned up and Chef was calm and inside. He had a quick bite to eat, then we walked down to a small local cafe for an evening of music/jamming. It was interesting to note that when we were listening to the performing group for the first half-hour, Chef expressed some difficulty with the noise-level yet when I went up and started playing with the band, Chef independently and seemingly enthusiastically moved so he was sitting right up front by the band.

On Sunday, Chef attended an AGM with me as well as an afternoon performance, then we spent the evening having a leisurely, story-filled supper with a friend. On the way home, we talked about how Chef had used two hours to tantrum when that time would have been much better spent working together on his lunches for the week then having free time. Chef agreed.

That Good Ol' Swinging Pendulum

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

This morning, Chef independently got up when the alarm went off the first time, independently did 25(!) minutes of exercise, came downstairs and independently got out his breakfast(!) AND ate it(!), independently got his lunch items together and packed them into his lunchbox AND said he was going to make popcorn to bring along then made the popcorn(!), and only needed prompting during the last few minutes before it was time to leave because he wasn't yet washed or dressed for school.

Wow! This has been a rare and very appreciated morning.

As an aside, Chef asked the other day if people are reading my blogs and I told him that there are readers from a lot of different places. I told him someone from a place called Oman had read the blog, and that I had never heard of Oman and wasn't sure if I was remembering the name of the place correctly. "Oh yeah," Chef replied. "There's a place called Oman. It's on my map."

And Then What Happened?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

We have had two fairly blissful evenings in our home.

Chef has been respectful, pleasant, and enjoyable. He's been smiling and independently interacting with me, his sister, and his niece. He's been independently and sporadically talking about his day. He's been doing his chores quickly and with positive attitude, and has left himself free time in the evenings! He also made supper last night, and prepared potatoes for tonight's supper.

Tonight we watched "The Soloist." I didn't realize there would be such a strong focus on mental illness. Chef and I had quite a few brief conversations during the movie, and will need to revisit some of them.

Mornings remain about the same when it comes to the actual "getting ready to leave" parts, but I have to say that I remain completely amazed that Chef starts his mornings by independently doing exercises. He also ate part of his breakfast again this morning (two mornings in a row!), and again took a better-sized lunch than he had been taking last week (again, two mornings in a row!), including food that I've prepared for him (which has frequently been a pretty big issue!)

For this I am truly thankful.

Candy Bars, Books, and Tantrums

Monday, November 1, 2010

Yesterday was not fun at our house. It started out ok'ish though. Given the overload of sugar in his system, I gave Chef extra time to sleep in in the morning. When he got up he wanted to make brunch (one of my favourite parts of a weekend!) and did up fried eggs and fried potatoes. We watched part of a video while we ate brunch, then Chef independently started doing chores. About five minutes later, Chef announced that he couldn't clean the bathroom because he only had one rag and that was in the laundry. "Where are the other rags?" "I don't know. I got rid of them" "How do you plan on cleaning the bathroom then?" "I guess I'll have to wait til the laundry's done" "That's not going to work." "(angry whining and escalating body language) Well, what am I supposed to do if I don't have rags??" "First, you can take the whining outside and deal with it there and not bring it back inside." Chef stormed out, stood outside for a few minutes, did some jumping jacks, came back inside when I motioned him in, and did the lunch dishes. While he had been outside, I'd noticed that more of my books were missing from my bookcase. After finishing up the lunch dishes, Chef came into the living room and said he didn't know what to do because he had to wait for the rag that was in the washer. I said that we also needed to discuss the matter of other books missing from the bookcase. Chef immediately stormed, angrily stating that he hadn't taken any books. I told him he could take himself back outside until he was ready to communicate appropriately. Chef tantrummed outside for an hour and a half. When he appeared appropriate and calm for awhile, I invited him back inside. I asked him if he was ready to communicate appropriately. "Yes." "Good, because at some point we'll need to talk about the books." "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T TAKE ANY BOOKS!!" "Back outside til you're ready to communicate appropriately." Chef stormed outside and started throwing pine cones at the house, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly ringing the doorbell, repeatedly kicking the door, banging his head against the living room window and making faces at me then screaming when I would leave the living room, yelling that he was cold, etc., etc. Chef tantrummed for at least an hour and a half that time. Once he was able to be back inside, Chef stated that he'd been taking books on his way out the door to school in the morning and hiding them in his lunchbag. Most mornings, Chef runs out the door at the last minute, and I am at the door with him then watching him from the front window til the bus arrives. Lately, however, I have not been right at the door when he comes in after school. The bookcase is right by the door and Chef wouldn't be hard-pressed to be able to slip out a book and stash it in the closet to take somewhere later on. If I am downstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check before going upstairs (he usually goes upstairs for a rest after school); if I am upstairs when Chef comes home, he does a personal check when he gets upstairs. We've stopped doing checks for each time Chef goes upstairs otherwise, but it seems to be time to start doing that again. Chef says sometimes he'll say he's going to clean the front entrance (about 5'x5') then hide something in the closet or in his niece's stroller then take it upstairs or stash it outside later.

Chef didn't bring up his laundry from the dryer yesterday. This morning he said he doesn't know where any of his socks are that were just purchased last weekend; I know they were in the hamper, but Chef said they weren't in the laundry room when he took the hamper downstairs. His runners had needed washing on the weekend and he was reminded three times in less than half an hour to put his runners into the washer. That didn't happen; he washed them outside instead. I asked him if he'd forgotten that he's tried that before and it doesn't work. He did work on his lunches last night without issue and actually agreed to take more in his lunches, including a dessert I made for him! This is highly unusual. I'm very thankful he was at that point yesterday. This morning, I packed his lunch into a large, clear tupperware container so it's easy for his school support staff to see what's inside with hopes that it will minimize some of Chef's stealing/stashing attempts. When the bus pulled up, Chef had only been starting to get ready the last few minutes beforehand and was not at all ready to go - though he had actually eaten part of a breakfast! He walked out to the bus barefoot, wearing pyjamas, carrying sandals, his lunch, his jacket (the one that he's kept in the storage room since I bought it for him in summer; it finally got promoted to being brought upstairs and being used!) and a wrinkled outfit he'd pulled out of the dryer. He didn't give his lunch to the driver, and often hasn't been, which usually translates into him eating it on the bus.

I'm a little tuckered out today; actually, a little more than a little.

4am Mornings = Not Fun for Anyone

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Chef has been up the past few mornings around 4am to use the washroom. I'm not sure if he's been going right back to bed or not, since I seem to drift in and out of sleep and then feel the need to get up and check to make sure he's back in his room.

On Tuesday, Chef had stayed home from school because he hadn't been feeling well. I'm not sure if he's come down with a cold or if his bedroom is causing him some problems with his sinuses, but on Monday night he asked if he could have a homeschool day on Tuesday. I told him that we could gladly do a homeschool day but those days have to be planned at least a few days beforehand. "Oh," Chef said, "because I'm not feeling very good." We later agreed that we'd see how he was feeling in the morning and if he still wasn't feeling great then he'd stay home for a sick day, then talked a bit about the difference between a homeschool day and a sick day. The next morning, Chef was up just before 4 and was sneezing off and on til about 8:00. I'd turned off the usual 7:30 alarm, but Chef came out of his room at 8 and said he had to get ready for school then started doing exercises. I reminded him that he was just staying home because he was sick, and that he needed to go back to bed. Around 11'ish, Chef came out again but this time said he REALLY needed to get ready for school. He still sounded snuffly. I reminded him again that he was sick and needed to rest so he could get better. Chef said he needed to be at school by lunch. When I asked him why, he said he thought he might have a test. I explored this a bit more with Chef then told him to just go and rest. I had a sense that he was in a rush to get to school for lunch because he knew he'd be missing out on other students' treats at lunchtime. I could be wrong. It's happened before. At noon, Chef told me again that he was feeling fine. He spent the afternoon at home with his sister and niece, and that evening he "redid" the dishes from last week that he said were clean though they weren't (we'd had a respite weekend, so Thursdays dishes were checked after Chef went to bed on Thursday then Chef was away til Monday evening).

This morning I told Chef he could go downstairs on his own and I'd be down in a minute. It was probably closer to three minutes. Chef said, "Ok, I'm going to make some cornmeal." When I went into the kitchen, there was water on the floor by the fridge. Chef said he didn't know what it was from. I opened the fridge door and noticed the lid on a casserole dish wasn't sitting well on the casserole dish, and figured the puddle on the floor was likely condensation from the wet lid. I debated whether or not to ask Chef or just point out the obvious situation. He's been in fairly good space and he's been occasionally starting to own up to things without lying first, then acknowledging that he feels better when he deals with things honestly like that, so I decided there might be an opportunity for Chef to be open about what he'd done so he'd get that feel-good. I asked Chef what he'd been doing in the kitchen so far. He said he'd gotten out his lunch, so I asked him what else he'd been doing in the kitchen. His immediate response of "That's all I was doing" came with whining and the ol' teenager "you don't believe me??" body language. I told him he needed to go find his honesty and appropriate ways of talking then talk to me. Chef went outside and did some jumping jacks then came in and repeated the same scenario. Back outside again. When he came in this time, he made a "grumpy and/or angry" face and stated that he'd grabbed some of the casserole out of the dish and eaten it while getting his lunch out of the fridge. When I reminded him that it would have been better to have breakfast and that there are appropriate ways to access food, he appeared even more indignant, looked like he was about to yell and started to say something but I quickly put my fingers to his lips to close them so he wouldn't wake his niece. Chef immediately started twisting his head and almost lost his balance. After removing my fingers, I asked Chef what the appropriate ways are to get food other than sneaking/grabbing food and stuffing into his mouth. "To ask or to eat at the table" was the grumpy reply. "Ok, did it work to lie and get angry with me over it?" "No," came the grumped reply. "Did it work to use up morning time that you needed to use for getting ready for school?" "No." Chef then started pushing his lip around with his hand. When I asked what he was doing, he said his lip hurt. I told him that it would definitely hurt doing what he was doing, and that if his lip hurt it would be better to put something cold on it. I had a look at his lip, saw nothing, got out a bag of frozen vegetables and put it to Chef's lip. He made an angry face and said his lip didn't hurt, but I wasn't sure if he was just saying that because he didn't like the cold. I told him that if it hurt, the cold would help and that it would be good to have it on there for a few seconds, and if it didn't hurt, then we didn't need the drama. Chef pulled away from the bag and walked over to the counter to get his lunch. I put the frozen vegetables back into the freezer and reminded Chef that he needed to quickly put away dishes from last night (usually not a morning requirement at all but I'm having someone over today and we're using the kitchen, and there were issues with dishes last night) and that he needed to hurry because he was running late. Chef did put the dishes away very quickly then slowly started picking up his lunch items. I asked him where his clothes were and he pointed to the bathroom and said they were in there. I reminded him that he needed to quickly get dressed because his bus would be coming and he still needed to add more food to his lunchbag. Chef started spooning some sauerkraut into a lunch container. And then - the bus came. When I told Chef the bus was here, Chef walked to the bathroom while I hurried to the front door and opened it. I'm having someone over today and sure didn't want the bus leaving and Chef staying home for the day! Chef walked out the door barefoot, in his pyjamas, carrying his clothes and his lunchbag. I reminded him he couldn't be outside barefoot - another eyeroll from Chef, but he stopped, put on his shoes, and went to the bus.

Today's lesson? Even though Chef doesn't have a problem with it on occasional weekends, don't suddenly change up the school morning by telling Chef he can be downstairs on his own for a bit before school, especially when he's been waking early! And mornings aren't the time for "feel-good" opportunities around food-sneaking!

Last night while dishwashing was taking forever because the dishes were being declared as "done" but showed evidence of not having been washed and had to be "re"washed, I considered setting up my camera to record on the kitchen table. I'd done this once in the past and thought I was being fairly brilliant with the idea. However, while the camera was calmly recording the kitchen happenings, I was nervous about leaving my camera there on its own for fear it might be "accidentally bumped" or encounter some similar fate; the concern was outweighing the benefits of recording. I also had absolutely no desire to sit and watch an evening of dragged-out dishwashing after Chef had gone to bed that evening. So last night I decided instead to check in occasionally by watching the reflection of the kitchen in a glassed picture frame in our living room. I've also done this in the past. I turned up the tv volume a bit then walked to where I could see the reflection. Chef didn't seem to notice whatsoever, and what I saw confirmed some of my wonderings. Chef wasn't actually washing dishes, but was doing the "dip, dip, and drainer" move or occasionally giving a dish one swipe with the dishcloth. I then stepped into the kitchen to watch. Chef glanced from the corner of his eye, continued singing, and started using the dishcloth to scrub all parts of the bowl in his hand. Aha! This provided reassurance for me in two areas. First, Chef is indeed still able to wash the dishes and still knows how to do so even on evenings when it is questionable as to why dishwashing is taking so long. Secondly, Chef wants to do what is right and is capable of doing what is right as long as he knows someone is with him or watching him. The latter might be a bit of a stretch seeing that the reassurance was coming from observing dishwashing, but it does seem to follow in pretty well every area of Chef's life. If someone is with him or he knows someone is watching him, he will almost always make good choices.

Dishes and 4am's and this morning aside, Chef seems to be in good spirits. He is taking responsibility for correcting himself when necessary, is generally accepting boundaries at home, and has generally just been pleasant to live with this week. He's been bringing artwork home and seems to be waiting for his hug when he hands me a painting or drawing. On Tuesday afternoon he just about bowled me over when he hugged me unexpectedly as I walked in the door from grocery shopping. Yesterday, he asked if he could give me a hug and actually snuggled in and gave a great squeeze with his arms. Very cool. And last weekend while packing for respite, Chef independently without any prompting at all announced that he needed to pack books because he gets bored of just playing video games and watching tv. And then he packed books! And his respite provider said he did a lot of reading over the weekend. This makes me smile.

A Lovely Time Was Had By All

October 21, 2010

We've had a very nice evening.

Chef came home from school, gave me a picture he'd coloured at school, accepted a hug from me, and went to his room for a rest.

When he got up, he threw his laundry into the washer, asked if he could make supper while he was waiting for teatowels that were in the washer, and cooked a lovely supper of pasta with fried ground turkey and fried onions with tomato sauce. After supper, Chef did the dishes (I haven't checked them yet, but Chef had worked quickly and without issue), made popcorn, cleaned the downstairs bathroom and the upstairs bathroom, finished his laundry, made his bed (bottom sheet, top sheet, blanket!) had a bath (first bath in weeks, though did have a shower on his last respite weekend) and changed into pyjamas (first time in two weeks). Chef visited with his baby niece while we watched a video together, then he brushed his teeth, said goodnight, and went to bed.

There were only a couple of prompts throughout the entire evening; twice, Chef came into the living room and was getting ready to relax for the evening and I asked if he was finished everything he needed to finish. Chef normally would only have one chore in the evening plus a weekend chore, but he hasn't really been doing any of his chores for weeks and he knows he needs to do them before having free time. After each of the two times when I asked him if he was finished everything he needed to finish, he took some time to think about it then independently continued on with what he needed to do without any further prompting.

There had been talk at one point about the possibility of going out to see a movie but that hadn't been til after Chef was already on a roll with his chores.

We've had a very nice evening.

Hugs and Food and Foster Care

October 20, 2010

We've had a nice evening.

When Chef came home, he handed me a card he'd made for me at school. This is the third piece of art he's given me since school started. I told Chef that I felt like giving him a hug, and I know he doesn't like hugging but I wanted him to know that I felt like giving him one. Chef looked down at the floor and said, "Oh." I asked why he was looking down at the floor, and Chef said that he likes hugs. Well, this was news! There have been many "issues" with hugging over the years and Chef has stated that he isn't comfortable with hugs. When I said I was surprised to hear he likes hugs because he's said and shown that he doesn't like them, Chef said he doesn't remember saying he doesn't like hugs and stated again that he likes them. Well, well! Hugs it is then!

Chef had his usual rest when he got home from school, then immediately worked on dishes. He and I talked for a bit before supper. I told him I'd been hearing that he has the possibility of foster care on his mind, and that he seems to think that if he's in foster care he wouldn't have to do any chores - two people told me that today, so I decided I didn't need to discuss specific names with Chef and that it was enough to say that I'd been hearing it from folks. Chef's initial response was, "Yeah, I said that a long time ago when I was angry because I didn't want to do chores." When I said that I'd heard it recently, he said that he hadn't said it recently, then repeated that he'd said it a long time ago when he was angry because he hadn't wanted to do chores. I said I wondered if there were any other reasons he might have talked about foster care. Chef said, "Just chores cuz I didn't want to do them. And I wanted some new stuff." "New stuff?" "Yeah, sometimes kids get new stuff if they're in a foster home and maybe I'd get some new stuff." "Or you could go through the appropriate steps at home and use allowance to get new stuff, or take care of things so people want to buy you new stuff, or behave appropriately so you don't miss out on opportunities where you could get new stuff." Chef nodded, then repeated that he'd said that a long time ago when he was angry about chores. I asked Chef if he felt like I might place him in foster care. "No, I don't think so. You did that one time, I think, but that was a long time ago." We talked about some of his experiences in that foster home (I'd placed him for a short time when he was in grade 5 because I was exhausted from not sleeping at night after discovering Chef had been climbing out his bedroom window to get candy from the corner store), and I was shocked when Chef started talking about chores. In the past, he'd said he hadn't had to do chores there. Tonight he said everyone had to take turns cleaning up different parts of the kitchen after supper and no one had to clean up the whole kitchen and no one ever had to do any other chores. So I explored that with him. As I asked questions, Chef seemed surprised to realize that the other/older foster children (in jr high, according to Chef, when Chef was in grade 5) in that home were actually doing supper dishes for six people compared to him doing supper dishes for two. He'd apparently been focusing on the fact that the kitchen chores in the foster home had been divided among 4 children (dishes for family of 6 plus bigger kitchen), whereas his kitchen chore involves the dishes plus wiping the counters/stovetop plus sweeping (dishes for family of 2, tiny kitchen). Chef then pointed out that no one there had to do any other chores. I asked if they had to keep their rooms reasonable. "Well, yeah, but that's it other than helping in the kitchen." "Did they have to get up in the morning and wash up?" "Yeah." "Were they expected to wear clean clothes?" "I don't know." "Hmmm, so you're thinking they had it easier because the kitchen chores were divided up, even though they had to clean up after more people, and they didn't have another chore to do on the weekend?" We talked a bit more then had supper.

Chef worked on dishes again after supper and was done in half an hour. Unfortunately, about a sinkload needed to be "re"washed, and there weren't any clean teatowels available; some had been tucked away in different places in the kitchen closet and hadn't make it into the laundry, so the rewash will need to wait til tomorrow.

Food: At supper tonight, I asked Chef if he could get out a leftover meatball that was in the fridge. Chef initially said, "OK" and went to the fridge - then he stopped, looked at me, and said "I ate it last night." "Oh. I didn't see you eating it in the kitchen or living room or anywhere." "That's cuz I snucked it." Honesty! No games, no lying ad nauseam. Honesty! I told him to go think about the appropriate ways of having food and gave him kudos for being honest about sneaking. After finishing his supper tonight, Chef asked if he could have an orange! I'd just bought a box of Christmas oranges that was on sale, and I knew I'd be having one later in the evening and figured Chef would want one then as well, so we talked about some other options and I told him he could have baby carrots for now then have an orange with his popcorn during his free time once he was finished his dishes. He ate the carrots, then worked on dishes - see above. He started popping popcorn and peeling an orange, but was reminded that free time comes after dishes and dishes hadn't been checked. Chef accepted that. I went into the kitchen to check the dishes and discovered the popcorn popper was sitting in a puddle of water beside the sink; plugged in and turned on. After removing it and drying it off, I reminded Chef of the importance of not having appliances in water and not having water all over the counters. Chef cleaned up the water, said that he would get his laundry done tomorrow so he could finish dishes, brushed his teeth, said goodnight, and went up to his room in good space.

Post-Meltdown

Post-meltdown days seem to usually go more or less one of two ways - either the meltdown continues in different forms, or Chef is in very good space and talks about what happened, what worked, what didn't work, etc., is kind, and appears to regret acting out through the meltdown. Today is the latter. Phew.

Chef waited til we were almost out the door before he got up. He brought some leftovers to eat and we went off to a voluntary music performance I was doing down the lane. Chef seemed in very good spirits and I commented that he seemed to be having a very nice day. He nodded and said that he wanted to be very nice and try to make up for what he had done last night. He did some running on the way to where we were going, sat beside me while I played my music, and commented on the great food they had there for lunch. During the music, he started opening a set of chopsticks to eat what he'd brought. I glanced over at him and shook my head very slightly. He stopped. When I was finished, we walked over to a friend's art shop for a few minutes, then headed towards the thrift shop. Chef still hadn't eaten the leftovers, so I told him he could run home to our deck and have what he'd brought, then meet me at the thrift shop. He did. No issue. While at the thrift shop, we chatted more about what would work for him at school regarding his difficulty with lights and crowds and noise. He said he'd like to wear sunglasses and earbuds, and said that his school staff is now leaving the classroom with him before the bell rings so Chef is not in the hall during class changeover times. I reminded him that he has a school meeting coming up and asked if there were any other things he wanted to see on the agenda. He said he would like to cook his lunches at school, for 3 reasons: other students do that and he thinks that's very cool and wants to show what he can make, his former assistant is the person supporting the other students making their lunches and Chef wants to spend time with him,and making his lunches at school would mean he still gets to make his lunches but doesn't have to use his time at home to do it. We continued chatting while looking at different items in the shop, and I asked Chef again about being gluten-free and whether or not he wanted to remain gluten-free. He asked if there was a cost difference. I said with what we all are able to make the only real difference is when it comes to bread (rice bread is about $6/loaf). Chef's response was, "Oh, well then I just want to stay with the gluten-free. I don't want to switch back." This continues to really surprise me. I wonder if he realizes that.

When we got home, Chef immediately started washing some dishes without being reminded AND - are you sitting down?? He announced that he was going to have an apple!! And then he asked if that was ok! I reminded him that he could snack anytime as long as it was appropriate snack food and not being handled in a sneaky way. Chef then called out from the kitchen,"Mom! I'm sitting at the table and having an apple!"

I haven't talked with him today yet about snacks, and figured we'd chat about food during an afternoon walk.

Very cool turn of events.

Food

How to best support Chef's food challenges has been one of the most difficult aspects of raising Chef.

Here's what we know:

-According to pre-placement information, Chef experienced prenatal drug exposure and early life neglect, had more than one foster placement in addition to his few months with birthmom, and that he'd come into his last foster home having had only juice or water rather than formula the first few months of his life
-In his foster home prior to placement, Chef would not accept many foods other than meat and potatoes and alpha-getti, though his foster mom said he would eat an apple if they carved a face into it. She once showed me how Chef responded to her offering of food. She put him in his highchair, then opened the fridge, took out an item, asked Chef if he wanted that or liked it or made comments similar to, "Mmmm, doesn't this look good" etc. With every item, Chef would grin and shake his head. Foster mom would then place the item on the counter and remove another item from the fridge and present it to Chef with the same result. Chef shook off every item she offered in this manner until she took alpha-getti from the fridge, and that's what Chef accepted.
-Chef has stated that it's difficult to be around food because he wants it all.
-Chef has stated that he prefers to be by himself in general, and prefers to eat by himself
-Chef says when he eats by himself the food feels more like just his, and he doesn't have to see other people
-Food-sneaking has happened any time of the day or night, even right after a meal
-Schools selling chocolates for fundraisers? Entire case between the time he'd receive it from his teacher during the day and the time he got on the bus; though in grade 8 or 9 (schools were no longer giving Chef any chocolates to sell), he did purchase some boxes and shared them with other students. Unfortunately it wasn't with his own money.
-My grandmother and I once wanted to see if Chef really would keep eating if there was unlimited food available to him. He was 3 years old at the time. We took him to a restaurant after he'd eaten lunch one day and ordered a "finger platter" that was listed as being large enough for 2-4 people to share. My grandmother and I ate the chicken wings and battered shrimp, but left all the rest (numerous raw vegetables, battered zucchini sticks, etc.) My son ate them all except for a few celery sticks that were still on the otherwise-empty platter as my son slowly laid down on the bench seat and closed his eyes, raw veggies in each hand. That's when we knew that this was more than just appetite.
-Chef's food-sneaking has usually not involved a "regular" amount of food; it's usually a large amount of food and multiple food items (an entire box of cereal and an entire loaf of bread and a bag of apples; an entire loaf of bread and a bottle of salad dressing and a bottle of mustard; a bottle of salad dressing and a box of cereal and various other items, etc., etc.)
-It took many years and many reminders/prompts before Chef would get himself a drink other than apple juice, or water from the bathroom tap (though he says he doesn't drink water otherwise because he doesn't like water). He used to drink milk on occasion, before being dairy-free and after as well, but rarely does anymore. He is now 15 and still will rarely have a drink and will sometimes show frustration over being reminded to do so. When I've purchased one-liter boxes of apple juice,he often empties 4 or more in one day; I can't afford to provide unlimited apple juice nor the amount of apple juice he'd need in order to have 8-10 glasses of liquid per day. When the apple juice is gone, he doesn't do anything different with drinking unless I buy more apple juice (at which point he drinks as much as he can). He does like tea; he seems to prefer hot tea over cold tea (unless he'd be given cans of iced tea; I'm sure he'd drink those or cans of pop all day long if he had that option!) I've recently given him a cup of coffee. Not that caffeine-drinks are necessarily great for liquid intake, but after reading that caffeine helps some folks with adhd and fasd, I figured I'd give him a cup to see how he would do for a few hours afterwards, then talk with the school about the possibility of Chef having coffee at school. Maybe the strong flavour might also help satiate some of his food-seeking drives, who knows?
-In Grade 2, Chef wanted to eat his school lunches in the school hallway because "it's too hard to see everyone's food all the time because I want it all"
-There has been much sneaking of food into the bathroom and Chef's bedroom over the years
-When Chef was 2, he climbed out of his crib at night, got a bunch of overripening bananas (they were being saved for banana bread; Chef had wanted them during the day but I had given him something else instead), then took them to his crib to eat them, evidenced by the banana peels in his crib in the morning. He didn't seem to have touched the 3-4 bowls of candy that were sitting near the bananas.
-When Chef was 2, a heavy crystal fruit bowl was empty in his crib
-Chef was very very taken with fruit when he was younger, so at one point I kept a bowl of it in the kitchen for him as well as a bowl in his bedroom. He would eat the fruit in the bowl in his room then sneak the rest of the bag of apples or oranges or whatever fruit/vegetables, as well as other food, out of the fridge and into his room during the night. At that time, it was recommended that a bell be put on the outside of his door and that food not be allowed in his room in hopes that he would learn to access food appropriately. If I remember correctly, that is around the time that Chef's focus shifted to carbs; he would still sneak fruit or other items, but was very focussed on carbs and would sneak/eat an entire loaf of bread, boxes of granola bars, cereal, cookies, etc
-When I used to bake on a regular basis, Chef would sneak the entire cake or pie or all the cookies into his room or the bathroom and quickly eat them
-There have been many times over the years when Chef has not come for meals then hollered that he wanted his food in his room. Adoption workers told me early on that he would eventually come for a meal once he was "hungry enough" - not so. He still held out for food to be brought to his room. One time I brought a green pepper or apple to his room at the end of the second day of him not coming for meals. It was recommended to me by the adoption worker that I should not have done that. When I talked with his mental health worker and pointed out that that was the only way Chef was eating at that point, his mental health worker supported what the adoption worker had said, then added that it might get to the point where Chef would have to end up at the hospital to be fed that way if he continued to refuse to come for meals. He also stated he didn't know of anyone who would hold out for more than 2 or 3 days. I was not good with exploring that possibility.
-There have been times when it seemed as though Chef had almost set himself up so he couldn't come for a meal (ie. making sure he didn't have clothes to wear then attempting to come to the kitchen naked then stating that he wanted his food in his room, etc)
-Over the years, Chef has often often often taken food from other students or teachers. When he started taking the bus, we discovered that he was eating his lunch on the bus then saying he didn't have a lunch when he was found taking items from other students' lunches. We started having Chef hand his lunch to the bus driver and then his EA would meet Chef at the bus and Chef would then carry his lunch into the school. At that point, we were still working out details of how to transport Chef to school. He always wanted to just stay home, and before Chef started taking the bus I was always driving him to school but with much difficulty getting him out the door in the morning. Once he started taking the bus, he had to walk a few blocks, so I initially walked with him then moved on to driving while he walked then eventually just drove to the bus stop to wait and make sure he'd arrive - all in hopes of facilitating independence. Chef, however, started showing up at the bus stop with his lunch already eaten so I started taking his lunch with me to the bus stop to wait for him. He then started making stops at neighbourhood houses and asking for food, saying that he wasn't allowed to bring a lunch to school. Eventually a neighbour told me that there was a door-to-door bus service for funded students. The plan then became that I watch Chef until the bus arrives, and Chef then hands his lunch to the bus driver. The latter part of the plan doesn't always happen. Historically, school staff have been checking Chef's lunches on arrival at school to ensure it's arrived with him, and to take note of what's there so we can gauge how much of his lunch he is leaving for himself for lunchtime.
-At one point, Chef had an always-accessible snack shelf in his classroom as well additional snacks in a fridge elsewhere in the school that would be brought by staff to Chef at his request. This was in addition to the lunches that Chef was bringing - the lunches filled the paper lunch bag to the top. I don't recall whether Chef ever accessed the snack-shelf, or how frequently he accessed the fridge-snacks, though I do recall that staff were surprised at how much food he was still taking and how he didn't seem interested in his snacks, even though they were snacks that he'd chosen. I recall replacing food that had spoiled without Chef eating it. I also recall that the snack-shelf and fridge-snacks were available the better part of an entire school year, and that it didn't continue to the next year because they had so rarely been accessed and the food-sneaking in the school had continued throughout.
-When Chef was still in his younger years, his mental health worker at the time recommended that some food be kept elsewhere in the house so Chef wasn't sneaking anything and everything. I didn't agree and didn't really have another place for food, so didn't follow the recommendation.
-When Chef finished grade five, we moved to a place where Chef could not climb out his window and where he could attend a different school that had the reputation of having better and less punitive understanding of the needs of children living with various disabilities. On occasion, I put sugar, bags of cereal, etc., elsewhere other than the kitchen except at times when it was being used, and kept trying to find a place to keep bread where Chef wouldn't sneak it off and eat the entire loaf. I don't think we've ever ever had a loaf of bread in our home that was eaten "normally" prior to that. When we first moved, I also had an extra fridge in the basement to house jars of homemade soup, frozen casseroles, etc. In addition to the other food-sneaking, Chef would sneak down during the night and eat to his hearts content, evidenced by empty jars/dishes in his bedroom and in the storage room. One year on the week before hallowe'en, I put the bags of candy in my room but left some downstairs in a bowl in the kitchen. Chef had some of the candy from the bowl on occasion when I asked him if he didn't want any, but one night after he'd gone to bed and I was still downstairs, he'd made a hole (about 9"x9") in the drywall between our bedrooms in hopes of retrieving the bags of candy (I had already been locking my bedroom for some time prior to moving already; Chef would often go through my bedroom or his sisters' bedrooms, taking whatever seemed to tweak his interest.)
-Chef has always been told that snacks are available to him, and we've discussed snacks and he knows what is and isn't appropriate to eat. This has not kept him from eating entire jars of peanut butter or jelly, drinking entire bottles of pancake syrup or corn syrup, etc., etc. Knowing that he can have snacks whenever he wants has not kept him from sneaking food, and it has been rare to actually see Chef having a snack. He has stated that he prefers to be by himself all-around and that it's easier for him to sneak food because then he feels more like the food is his and he can eat by himself. He says being by himself is less stressful for him than being around other people.
-Interestingly enough, Chef has consistently come for many more meals once I stated that we wouldn't be eating at the table anymore. It just seemed too difficult for Chef to sit at the table with other people to eat. He was always watching the other plates, saying that he didn't like eating at the table, etc. We now eat in the living room for the most part, on furniture that does not face each other. Sometimes we watch the news or put in a video. And now, Chef sometimes chooses to sit at the table on his own.

I could go on and on, but if we fast-forward to today - I have removed flour, sugar, cornstarch, vanilla and other flavourings/extracts, etc., from the kitchen, but Chef has full access to the fridge and freezer etc, and knows he can have a snack when he wants. I've sometimes wondered why he seeks out such unusual snacks at times; I realize sometimes it's for sugar content, but flour mixed with vanilla? Sneaking and rushing through an entire jar of peanut butter instead of enjoying a plate of crackers with peanut butter is a sad commentary. It's not that Chef has never chosen to have a snack in an appropriate manner (in the living room, the kitchen, on the deck, or other places that don't involve sneaking/secretive snacking), but mostly when he does, it's at times that I have suggested it rather than those times being self-directed. Maybe I need to be more proactive in teaching Chef steps towards self-directed snacking.

So, with everything in mind, I am going to still keep the "highly unusuals" elsewhere in the house (so Chef isn't eating flour and vanilla, etc) but will stil keep the other food items still in the kitchen and accessible, with the ongoing reminder to Chef to snack when he wants but without sneaking. We are going to have a big bowl of always-accessible popcorn always on the table or on the counter, and Chef can gladly take some with him when he leaves the house if he wants; in fact, I might strongly promote that for the first while. I'm also going to be more proactive in his snacking otherwise. Since Chef does not do much self-directed snacking yet at this point (other than the food-sneaking), I am going to work on helping him gain more awareness of what/how/when he's eating. It's been recommended that we do up a food journal, so we'll work on figuring out how to fit that into a daily routine. And I am going to be reminding him regularly to eat (appropriate!) snacks with hopes that he will eventually embrace it on his own.

Tantrum

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It is the Thursday before Thanksgiving. Traditionally, Chef has often not done well with any kind of holiday/celebration. It's yet another change in routine, it's still the beginning of a new school year, he asks almost every day whether or not my daughter and granddaughter are going to be at our place or not and where they are. There always seems to be so much running under the surface for Chef.

On our way to the store today, Chef looked at me and said, "Oh, I have something for you. It's a hug. I haven't given you one in awhile." Then he hugged me.

Wow! THAT is a rarity.

While we were at the store, Chef talked about some things he'd like us to make on the weekend. Fantastic! Chef doesn't usually initiate conversations like that, plus there were some "planning ahead" pieces in that statement! Some of the items required flour. When I reminded Chef that some of those items might have to wait because he'd recently eaten the rice/potato flour, he said, "Ok." I asked him how he'd managed to eat flour just on its own and he said he hadn't - he'd mixed it with vanilla.

Chef had a good evening tonight. We ate supper around 6:30pm, he tossed in his laundry, did some dishes, talked about the painting he'd brought home for me yesterday, we talked about weekend possibilities - all in all, a really nice evening.

And then I saw it.

A link of sausage (about a foot long) from the freezer had found its way to the railing going upstairs. I commented that that looked odd and asked Chef what his plan had been.

"To eat it," he said.
"Is sneaking raw meat from the freezer and putting it in the railing the appropriate way to get food?"
"No."
"What would have been better?"
"To eat something else."
"And sneak it?"
"No. But the package says it's been cooked."
"Does that make it appropriate to take it from the freezer and try to sneak it upstairs?"
"No! But I was hungry!"
"We had supper not long ago. If you were still hungry wouldn't it be better to have more supper or to have an appropriate snack?"
"I want the sausage!!"

Chef's eyebrows went down. His arms crossed. His voice raised. And Chef was reminded that he could either take some time outside to calm down or show that he could be respectful inside. Chef slammed out the door. He had taken his dresser drawers outside awhile back because he had never used them as drawers (except for a few puzzle pieces in one and food hidden under some fabric in another) but was frequently opening then slamming them when something wasn't going his way. He and I had talked about using the drawers for plants on our deck next year. Tonight, 4 out of 6 of them were destroyed. Chef started by banging them up against the house and the door, then started taking them apart and using the wood to hack apart the other drawers. I found it interesting that when I came out to give him his med, he stopped what he was doing, opened his mouth for the med, swallowed, then opened his mouth again to show me he'd swallowed. When I turned and went back into the house, Chef went back to grumping, banging on the house, and destroying the drawers. I called the local crisis unit to have someone on the phone while this was happening. We stayed on the phone while Chef finished with the drawers and agreed to clean up the mess and use his tools (usually exercising, especially if he is outside; inside tools also include reading, art, etc.) to deal with his frustration/tantrumming. When I got off the phone, Chef came running in the house screaming that he couldn't stay outside because there was something scary, then pointed to a tiny kitten on the lawn. Chef has never shown any fear of kittens. I asked if the kitten had surprised him and he said, "Yes, and it shouldn't have done that! I can't be outside with a kitten!" I picked up the kitten. Chef continued his tantrumming and yelled that he wanted to come inside. I reminded Chef that I hadn't seen a turn-around yet and needed to see him put some effort into dealing with his tantrumming. Chef walked away, turned around, folded his arms across his chest, and made a face at me. I closed the door. Chef started kicking/banging against the house and the door, and ringing the doorbell repeatedly and swearing. I took the kitten to our back door and gave it some food on our deck, thinking it might stay there for a bit, then I went back into the house. Chef was still tantrumming out front though he would occasionally pause to stare at the house with arms folded across his chest and an angry expression on his face, but would then go back to the tantrum. He even spent time playing with the kitten, who'd returned to the front yard, and would then go back to tantrumming. I called the police so he would receive the message from someone else that it wasn't ok to do what he was doing. The neighbours also came out and talked with Chef, but he'd initially continued on with the banging/kicking/swearing until I came out and said that I'd call the police. Chef stopped immediately and leaned quietly against the wall with his hands folded in front of him. The police came, talked with him, laughed with him, did a few jumping jacks with him, had him apologize, offered him their business card, and told him to listen to his mom. After they left, Chef and I went into the house and Chef immediately started to say something to me using disrespectful tone but I interrupted him and told him he had a choice of starting all over again by taking it outside to deal with it or turning things around immediately. He then rolled his eyes and started to try to argue. I told him that the message he was giving me was that he wasn't yet finished tantrumming and asked if that was the message he wanted to give.
"No," was the reply. By now it was after 10pm (I'd found the sausage around 8'ish). I said goodnight to him and Chef stomped into his room. I called him and asked him again if he still had some frustration to deal with because that was the message he was giving by stomping away and not responding. He started to roll his eyes and I told him to look at my eyes and take the time to find his calm. I haven't done that in ages and wasn't sure if it would still be beneficial - but Chef's eyes met mine and there was a moment of quiet. I then repeated, "Goodnight, Sweetie. Hope you have a good sleep," and Chef calmly said goodnight and went to bed.

I was just telling someone this afternoon that Chef has come such a long way in his life, and that a lot of his attachment difficulties have been healing (not healed, but healing!) over the years. This evening's trigger was very obviously one that is not historically unfamiliar - when Chef has tried to sneak an item into his room or the bathroom and the item is discovered before he can eat it or use it, he becomes furious. I had discovered the length of sausage before it had made it into his room and before he had a chance to eat it.

Tomorrow I'm going to start a combination of support strategies regarding food and see if a combination might be more beneficial for Chef.